Stevi's Saga

[Stevi]

Susan,

Thanks for the birthday wishes.  Around here, with liability issues and zealous enforcement, everyone is carded.   Give a girl a break, will ya, for cryin' out loud.

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   I am an atheist. I have the idea that Jesus was a man who preached tolerance and hung out with the misfits of his time. I know it is probably not that simple but it works for me. I am a big fan of the underdog. I respect any person in any religion who respects others. My partner went to the UU church and they were very open minded. I like them because they are people centric not rule centric. When I came out, I had in mind that the religious folks would have a hard time with me. I was very wrong. I work with many people at my job. There were some who I could tell were uneasy with my change of gender presentation. The thing is, they tended to stay that way if I was not around them much. As soon as I interacted with them, they realized I was no longer a label but a person trying to take care of our kids and just make it through life as myself. They loosened up. I think if you went to that church you would probably find many supportive and others who could use their eyes opened. If you chose to be that unicorn in the middle of  bunch of regular people, you can have a positive effect. I guess I am rambling a bit here. Happy Birthday!
Moni

[HappyMoni]

As for the fridge, I have been having the irresistible urge to get little branches and twigs and carry them up there. It is starting to form a nice circular shape. I think I might be pregnant. Also have a craving for worms lately. 

[echo7]

Stevi, this has been a long read, but I've really enjoyed reading about your experiences here. Thank you for continuing to share.  And Happy Birthday tomorrow. 

[Stevi]

Moni,

When is the clutch due?

Thanks for the birthday wishes,

I have attended the UU Fellowship twice, now.   My wife accompanied me last Sunday.  We have found them to be a very accepting collection of people.  Their focus is, I think, to be mutually supportive of one another based on more than a naturalistic foundation.  Our experience shows that the UU is safe for us.  It would be a no-brainer if they were not a 40 min drive each way.  Extra activities are not very so there is not a lot more than the Sunday meeting.

I am still trying to sort out the possibilities of the local Methodist congregation.  I will need to interact with them to some extent whether my wife and I attend services or not.  It is our local community, after all.  Should we circle around the edges or wade into the thick of things by sitting among them on Sunday mornings.  I think I need the engagement of frequent interpersonal interactions and working together for common goals.  My wife needs it too but I am not sure she is able to take the risk of rejection, face to face.  I still do not have a good handle on how great the risk is.

I told the pastor in my last email to him that I need to think about the situation more and that I would get back to him.  Still thinking.

Stevi

[Stevi]

echo7,

Thank you, as well, for your birthday wishes and the expression of appreciation for my ramblings.

Stevi

[Stevi]

It's my birthday, today.  I now have 68 years of wear.  Got well wishes from a number of family and friends, mostly through Facebook.  After an unusually pleasant conversation with my wife's niece, we decided to visit her for this Easter weekend.  We had been contemplating visiting her but we were having trouble making a decision.  We have been trying to help her out with her cars, housing and finances in general for a while.  It has been emotionally draining for us since all our efforts have seemed to make little difference in her outlook.  Anyway, she called to wish me a happy birthday and her voice was actually cheerful and after a a little conversation it was evident that her outlook was much improved since our last conversation.  So, we hurriedly put together a couple of bags and left for Atlanta with a stopover at Pedro's South of the Border Tourist Trap for the night.

After checking in for our stay, we climbed back into the van to move around to our room.  Well, the engine cranked well but absolutely refused to fire.  I lifted the hood to look for the obvious but the obvious wasn't to be seen.  I could not dig in too deep as I was dressed in a light green sweater and the brightest, whitest jeans you are ever likely to see.  So I had the hotel security guy call a mechanic that was not far away.  In only a couple of minutes a couple of guys with flatbed arrived to help two damsels in distress, (They addressed me as Ma'am, repeatedly.) and soon had the van loaded up.  An hour or so later I called to find out what the prognosis was.  It appears to be the fuel pump quit.  Should have the van back before checkout time in the am.  That seems to be promising.  Not cheap but could have been a timing belt.

After getting settled into the room, my wife and I roamed around the tourist trap for a bit on our way to one of the restaurants on the property.  While waiting for our meal to come out, my wife and I talked some about how to handle the communication situation with our daughter.  We were at a loss to figure out what is the best approach.  All that we could decide is that we didn't know how to best handle it.  Having that conversation was an improvement.  My wife has been sullen fir the last week. Then the best thing happened. Our daughter called!   Instead of some ring tone my phone announces who it calling.  So, I knew before I got the phone out who it was.  Speak of the devil.  The first words out of her mouth were a very cheerful, "Happy Birthday, Daddy."  As we walked back to our room, I chatted with our daughter about my day and the present travel adventure, her day and a boy relationship dilemma she has currently (That last might just be a first.), some planning for a scheduled December cruise for the three of us, some health issues she and her mother have in common, she complained about me passing early gray hair on to her and her mother passing the health problems on to her, I joked that what I passed on to her is easily fixed with a couple of bottles, etc..  I repeated my thanks for her birthday wishes and we said our "I love you."s  and I passed my phone over to my wife and they had a long pleasant conversation about some of the same and some other things.  A most welcome turn of events.  I am concerned that she may now be avoiding the elephant in the room, but I am going to take it.  I'm happy right now.



Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   I have a thought. When all else fails, honesty is the best policy. Consider sending her a note saying that you know she is having a hard time with what you told her. Tell her that you want to be there for her, you want to work through the things that bother her, but that you are not sure of the best way to do that. Ask for her help in how to resolve things. I tend to think that that approach respects her opinion, involves her in the decision making process and helps it not become 'the topic that shall not be mentioned.'  Then again, what do I know? I spend most of my time trying to hatch these damn eggs on my fridge. 
Moni

[Stevi]

Moni,

I like your thinking.   I'll see what I can do to implement some version of it.

Now as to those eggs.  Pregnancy is surely a taxing experience but when those little chickies emerge, it is shear joy.  Just to put that statement in some perspective, I delivered my first born 49 years, 2 months and 1 day ago.  Cut the cord and was the first to hold the precious little girl.

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   Hope it helps.
   I have cut the cord on my two sons, the first being 31 years ago. It is, as you say, pretty amazing. As for the eggs, you don't think it matters that I got them from inside the refrigerator, do you. They warmed up real nice. Sure talking a long time to hatch though. 
Moni

[Stevi]

Moni,

When it comes to the little chickie's, never give up. 😀

Stevi

[Northstar]

Hi Stevi, and a belated Happy Birthday to you! 

Regarding your Methodist church --  you might contact your local PFLAG central office and ask if they have any Transgender folks who are trained and willing to do a "shared pulpit" presentation, where they give half the sermon and the preacher gives the rest.  We've had good experiences hereabouts with our local PFLAG speakers.  {{{HUGS}}}

[Stevi]

Northstar,

Thanks for that thought.  I am still trying collect my thoughts on all of that situation. Some kind of a cooperative presentation  to the congregation is one possibility.  I do not know if the pflag is the source but there may be some other pastor in the area with more first hand experience with the plight of transgender individuals that would be willing.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Happy birthday to me. I got a new fuel pump for the van and second night's stay at Pedro's South of the Border Tourist Trap because it took until nearly 5 pm to get done "before checkout".  . They didn't say which day's checkout.

On a brighter note, I repaid our daughter for giving me a big smile last night by having some flowers delivered to her. It was made up of sun-shiny flowers in a happy face emoji style mug.

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Pedro says, "Pay de car beal!" Been past that place a million times and never stopped. Wonder what Hispanic folks think of those bill boards.

[Stevi]

I "Payed de car beal!" sand got under way the next morning.

Been out of touch for a couple days.  No Internet at my wife's niece's place.  I am sponging off Wendy's free WiFi to check on things a little.

Been in male (as male as I get these days) mode for the last couple days.  Since the niece works through the night and will not be home yet, I will be leaving in the am, very early, in a dress and put together a little upscale for the trip back home.  I have been a little out of sorts for a few days, according to my wife.  I will be glad to get back to my normal.

Won't be at home long,  Have to do a two day trip to Wilmington, NC for a Pflag meeting Thursday night and the wife and I both have therapy sessions on Friday and I go to a group session in the evening for me.  Then it is back here to the niece's place for a week.

Just checking in.  Need to go see if I can track down Laurie's Lorry, now.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Uggh!  I am feeling overwhelmed.  Talked with our daughter last night for a little while.  The conversation went well.  I did not intend to delve into the thick of my transition and its effect on her life.  My reason for the call was to plan for a block of time to do some renovations on her condo.  I am hoping to pull up the carpet in the living room and dining room and put down some kind of flooring.  She has a cruise scheduled from the 28th to the 6th of May.  I thought I could get to her place a few days ahead so she can select materials and I could make the mess while she is away.

I feel the need to discuss some things with our daughter but I do not get the sense she is ready yet.  I know she has resumed her therapy and has an appointment scheduled for the 25th.  I have had some pleasant conversations with her but I feel like I am on pins and needles.

So, today we go to Wilmington for a Pflag tonight, therapy sessions tomorrow with group in the evening and on Saturday morning we are headed out for another round at my wife's niece's place.  Have to be back by Monday the 16th for an optometrist appointment for me, (will probably need to schedule cataract surgery) and my wife has jury duty anytime during that week.  Won't know until the evening before if she needs to show up the next day or not.  Then I have to squeeze in a trip to New Jersey to do some long over due programming work.  I have been trying to do it remotely and it has been one hiccup after another.  Need to go there and just deal with it.  Then my daughter's renovations.  Then eye surgery, probably.  For various reasons it will mostly be in male mode.  Taxes need to be finished up in the middle of all that mess.

Then to top it off, I was taking some compost out to the pile and after I used the faucet to rinse out the container, it refused to stop dripping.  Can't leave for a long stint with that so I have to deal with that some way.  Not hard, just need to make a plan.  Feeling a little inundated, I walked into my wife's den and she says "What's the matter?!?!" It wasn't the question that angered me.  It was the tone.  I am sacrificing myself for her and her's and I don't get one bit of sympathy.  I pushed it all back in my mind and let it be.  She really did not want to hear the answer to that question right now.

Anyway, I can just turn the water off when we leave and deal with the valve when I get back in about ten days but I think I am going to run down to the local hardware and pick up a washer.  I feel like I need to actually accomplish something, no matter how small it may be.

Time's a wastin',
Stevi

PS Could not get just a washer .  Had to buy a kit for 8.59 which they did not have.  New valve cost 5.79.  What a world.

[HappyMoni]

Stevi, going back and forth between gender presentations is a real bummer. Hang in there, at least your girl is talking now. It is hard to know how hard and when you talk about the elephant in the room.
Moni

[Stevi]

Things are a bit hard for me to figure out, right now.  I do not know what our daughter is expecting.  In her diatribe right after I came out to her, she expressed resentment that I/we did not share with her sooner than this.  That timing was a calculated decision on our part.  If, perchance, I found a way to "beat" this or live with it in private, I would have carried it to my grave.  She would never had needed to know.  When my wife and I finally decided I needed to go 24/7 and she could/would try to live that life with me, the first person we let know was our daughter and we did it as soon as we could do so in person.  I don't know if I could have done it any other way.

Now, I have important information to pass on to our daughter and I don't know what  she wishes me to do.  I have begun the process of changing my legal name.  She really needs to know that soon my name will be changing and what I am changing it to.  She does not give me the sense that any of this is something she wants to talk about right now.  But I can't wait too long or I'll get more blow-back when I finally do.

This has really been hard for me to navigate.  All these uncharted waters.

Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Sorry Stevi, for the distress  you are dealing with. Your daughter is gonna go through stages, anger at it being kept a secret is a common early stage. It is probably very disorienting for the world as she knew it. Hopefully she will move to a thought process of trying to figure out how it will work in her world. If you have had a strong bond with her up til now it can be a big advantage in that your bond will carry you through. On the other hand, a strong bond can make it hard for her to adjust the image she has of you. With my oldest, I saw him surface accept me, get angry at himself for not being totally accepting, and finally come to terms with things. He felt very guilty for withholding that acceptance at first. I knew something was wrong and kept asking if he was okay until he told me to stop asking. I waited til he worked it out. Later he came to see me when I had GCS. He was very afraid he might lose his Dad with that serious operation. The night before we had a most memorable night. He asked to leave our little get together to be alone with me. My other son soon joined us outside looking up at the stars, talking. He told me that he would always remember that night with his Dad. We cried and hugged and just sat together. It was so sweet. I guess my point is, this is so emotional for kids, even if grown. It is a process they must go through. They are both very accepting now. I do worry that it will be another big adjustment for them when I get boobs this summer. It is not an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of thing like the other surgery. With time, it will be accepted, I think.
   Stay strong, Girl!
Moni