Stevi's Saga

[Stevi]

Moni,

You can call me Stephanie, you can call me Stevi. Just don't call me Stephen!

My memory is very bad.  My childhood memories are sparse and probably very unreliable, but I recall at about the age eight that I wrote my name as Stephanie on a piece of paper that survived for about ten more seconds.  Dreams do, sometimes come true.

Moni, you are a wordsmith.  I love the way put together those thoughts for an answer to  your naysayers. I am sure you won't mind if I use them as a basis for retort of my own when the need might arise.  O.k.?

Stevi

[Stevi]

I am lying here on the bed catching up on my thread while my wife,while sitting at the desk over in the corner, is reading through it from the beginning.  So far, no ranting or streams of tears.

Oops, she just turned to me and commented on reply 32.  I will have to review what I said back there.

Stevi

[Stevi]

We are in a hotel room in Wilmington for tonight and tomorrow night. My wife got excused form jury duty.  It was early enough in the day that we decided to come down this way today rather than leave early in the morning to get to our dear friend's funeral service.  The trip from home to here is about three hours.  Being here tonight makes it much less stressful.  We have had a good dinner out and a swim in the pool and a soak in the hot tub.

Now I have enough time to drop by the clinic in the morning, early, and get my blood samples taken.  The order was placed by my former physician at the time of my last visit.  I am hoping to set up an appointment with a new physician while I am at the clinic.

Now, with my name change hearing completion, I need to establish a connection with my replacement physician.  Besides the care and the new prescriptions, I need to see about a letter for my gender marker change on my Pa birth certificate.

Thursday morning we are heading to Alexandria and our daughter's for our first in person interaction since the events that precipitated this thread.

What a time of mixed emotions.  Sorrow for the loss of our friend, happiness for another milestone on my journey and apprehension about the approaching meeting with our daughter.   

Rachael said it will be alright.

Stevi

[Stevi]

We attended the funeral of our dear friend this morning.  She was properly respected  and celebrated for all that she was.

Maybe you would like to get a glimpse of this extraordinary person.



Stevi

[HappyMoni]

Stevi,
   Thanks for sharing this. She sounds like she was pretty wonderful. I am inspired by her words. I have a couple of doctors who routinely have students who come in with them. I think maybe I will speak to them for now on and maybe, in a small way, advocate for quality care for trans folk or maybe ask if they have questions of me. Open a dialog with the doctors of the future so to speak!
   If you relate to something I said, feel free to use it, Stevi. I think the further along I am in my new life, the less I am feeling guilt and any need to apologize for being me. It took a while to realize that I have every right to be me. I hope you will stay strong in being who you are, enjoying who you are. It is pure immaturity for people to reject us on the basis of being trans.
Moni

[Donna]

That is a great idea Happy. The more positive info we can get out into the health care profession the better future trans people will have it. We really need way more doctors and allies in health care just to reduce wait times.

[HappyMoni]

That is a great idea Happy. The more positive info we can get out into the health care profession the better future trans people will have it. We really need way more doctors and allies in health care just to reduce wait times.

Thanks Donna. My friends call me Moni. I have been extremely lucky with health care professionals. The only unusual things to have happened to me were positive. Two different nurses confided to me that they were  lesbian, but unfortunately closeted. I was honored with their trust in me. Sad that they were closeted though!
Moni

[Donna]

I love talking with health care people. They are so willing to listen and learn. I have had major issues since I broke my back in 1984 and all my experiences except one have been a positive learning lesson for me.
I've been studied and part of studies and never minded helping out with info. There are lots of medical related things I can tell doctors about for after the fact. They know the immediate and the cause and effect. They don't know the copping struggles afterwards.
I had one doctor derail and screw me because he was too stupid to figure out what was going on. His solution to being stumped was to accuse me of having Munchhausen syndrome. Since then I have taken every opportunity to make sure they learn from the patient rather than a book. It took me two years to get that comment removed from my records and an actual diagnosis to replace it.

[Stevi]

My wife and I arrived at our daughter's house before she got home.  Per my wife's request (insistence) and my desire to not be overwhelming or confrontational, I was dressed in slacks and a shirt with jeweled snaps instead of buttons.  The shirt has a looser fit than a lot of my wardrobe and has conveniently placed pockets that camouflage the, otherwise, notable girls.  I had removed the more overtly feminine jewelry in favor of a simple gold chain necklace and bracelet set.  The three of us had a pleasant evening talking about all kinds of things.  Her work, her revised treatment for her facial inflammation (which seems to be working well), our recent travels, her upcoming cruise, our plans to get to New Jersey for some on-site work and some family visiting, the renovation I am planning to do for her, etc.  No mention of the issues that I know need to be addressed.  Her issues with my transition and her issues with our "failed" parenting.

I am having a difficult time with determining what to do or say and when to begin to address what I am sure needs to be addressed.  My transition needs to keep moving forward.  I can see the end and I am getting impatient.  Still, I am trying my best to be mindful of my wife's and daughter's needs.  Also, I have great apprehensions about screwing it all up by doing it all wrong.

Up thread, a little ways, I related that my wife was reading through the thread.  When she finished, she came over to me and was actually smiling.  I had written some things that she found reassuring.  Her greatest anxieties, I think, revolve around her fear's that I will desert her, not love her any more.  Some of the things I said, I think, were reassuring in that regard.

However, after we talked a little bit, she, again, stated that she did not see where I was any happier.  I disagree.  I know that inside I am happier.  I was sure that it was obvious on the outside, as well.   But, maybe, not as much I think.  Maybe, it is being masked by the worries that accompany each small step that I celebrate.  Each step forward is quickly accompanied by a new concern.  Coming out to my daughter was followed by this "walking on eggshells" in trying to get past her  issues with it.  The other day, I completed all I needed to do for my name change but wait for ten days.  I was ecstatic.  My wife quickly moved on to the next problem.  Worry, unnecessary worry, about what that means for our marriage certificate.  I remarked that, soon, I would need to notify the bureaucrats and businesses that I had changed my name.  A process I was looking forward to tackling while being fully aware that it is no small task to touch all the necessary bases.  There will be some cost involved but my wife's take on it was "That will cost us a fortune."  I did not get any time to revel in my accomplishment.  She did not even take a moment to congratulate me before I was to be overshadowed by her next concern.  My worry is not for the various steps of my transition so much as it is for the others around me that are impacted by each step.

I don't know that this entry went the way I thought it would when I started it.  Sorry 'bout that.  Rant over.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Girls,

My wife and I have a stay at Crossville, TN planned from the 16th through the 26th of May.  We will be traveling from eastern North Carolina to Crossville along Route 40 but we are willing to go out of our way, if necessary.  We are wondering if any of you ladies would like to get in touch and arrange some quality time getting to know this older couple.  We are willing to stop along the way either to or back from Crossville.  Or, we would love to make a day trip from our Crossville base to meet up with someone.

If anyone is interested, PM me.

Stevi

[Stevi]

The three of us had a pleasant evening after our daughter got home.  Everything went well.  No explicit discussion of my transition.  At one point in the evening, we got into a discussion of her nails.  She has an appointment to get them done today, along with some hair coloring in preparation for her cruise next week.  I joined in the nail discussion and she answered some questions from me, more inquisitive than a guy would normally get, without any obvious discomfort.  This morning, before she left for her appointments, we talked about her hair, she thanked me for the good hair genes from my side of her family, except for the early gray.  She made some comments about my hair where she seemed to be comfortable with the below shoulder length.  All in all, just normal conversation.  Still, it was not our usual conversation, if you know what I mean.

Maybe, I am over-thinking this.  Maybe, all that is needed is a gradual warming up of the pot until this frog is cooked.

Stevi

[Stevi]

I spent a little time today getting my forms collected for some of the documentation changes that will begin when I arrive home.

I am trying to figure out the order.  I now have an appointment on the 10th of May with a new physician.  I have a form letter that I want to ask her to copy onto letterhead and fill out.  We are just beginning our doctor/patient relationship so I don't know if she will consider certifying "has had appropriate clinical treatment" for at my first visit or not.  I don't know, even, what she considers what is needed to meet the the requirements.  I have been seeing a therapist for just about a year, now.  Based on a short bio I sent to her before our first session, she accepted me as transgender the moment I first walked in the door.  I have been on estrogen and Spiro for six months.   progesterone was added back in January.  I have been undergoing treatment and it "has had" its effect.  So, I should make the bar as long as it is not too soon or her bar is too high.  I would like to get the letter so I can deal with the passport, driver's license, Social Security and PA birth certificate with only one trip to the well for each one.  I would like to get going when I get my Name Change Order in hand but I'll see what my new doctor will do for me before going forward with any one of them.

Patience,
Stevi,
Patience!

[HappyMoni]

I hate being in limbo where you don't know how you stand with people. You are smart to let a bit of normalcy happen for her to adjust. Of course, it is hard on you, but at least you are still talking and it looks positive. When I first came out, I strongly had the urge to talk about trans stuff. I wanted feedback on how people felt. After about a year, that desire has come and gone. I am more a 'person' than a 'project' at this point. I am happy about that.

[Rachel]

PA drivers license, you download a form from the DMV and fill it out with therapist signature. I had done my name change prior. I did social security, birth certificate and 10 year passport post op. I needed a special form for the passport that Dr. McGinn provided. I used the certificate she provided post op for my birth certificate and social security. The passport form is different than the post op form I received from Dr. McGinn.

[Stevi]

Moni,

This limbo sucks.  I am trying to please three people at the same time.  My wife is fine with however I dress as long as it is modest in public.  She has seen me in some very feminine attire, often.  But, right now, she is holding the reins pretty tight on me.  She doesn't want me to spook our daughter and I am totally on board with that.  Thing is, I feel that I need to show some of the real me.  If I don't show a little, how will our daughter ever adjust to this new reality?  I will try my best to walk this tightrope.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Rachel,

I have a hybrid situation.  My birth certificate is a PA document.  I need to satisfy their requirements.  If my new doctor goes along, I will have no problem with that.

On the other hand, my driver's license is from NC.  The situation here is a bit fuzzy.  As I understand it, the law actually states that surgery, so stated by my physician in writing, is required to get the gender marker changed.  In practice, most DMV offices will accept a letter that states Stevi "has had appropriate clinical treatment."  (I hear tell of one jerk office supervisor that insisted that it needed to be "medical" instead of "clinical.") I have been advised that I should not challenge the DMV office's decision and instead collect my papers and try a different DMV office.  Nobody wants to rock the boat since it is possible, with patience, to get what a transgender person needs with things as they are.  If we press the issue, some anti-trans high mucky-muck bureaucrat might get the bright idea that "the law must be followed to the letter."and all of us here in NC will be royally screwed.

The passport and social security changes are the same for all of the USofA.

Stevi

[Donna]

They sure don't make it easy. I've complicated I more as my birth certificate is from one side of the country and they have crazy requirements to get it changed. Twice as
Much paper work as here. Everything has to be approved federally then provincial can do their thing. Where it really gets complicated is I have to supply a marriage licence and it can't be a civil licence or from a justice of the peace. Ours is civil and it's also from Las Vegas and now I have to deal with them to convert our licence.
Oh well
I'll get it done sooner or later

[Stevi]

Donna,

Aggravation everywhere you turn, it seems.  They will convert a license but they can't just accept it.  Stupidity.

Good luck,
Stevi

[Stevi]

Well, today, I dropped by the HR office at my employer.  I felt I should check out policies since at some point, probably sooner than later, they will need to have my new legal  name.  I do most of my work remotely so it will not be often that I will interact in person with any of them.  However, the engineer I work with is also responsible for my payroll entries.  That means he will see a name change on the account for me.  I needed to know if I was ok with the company in general and if my working relationship was in immediate jeprody.  I am safe for the present.  It is possible that my work with the engineer will not be renewed if he has a problem with me.  All he has to do is call someone else next time he needs someone to do the things I do for him.  I don't really think there will be a problem, but you never know.  I think I will need to have talk with him by Thursday afternoon.  The HR  person offered to sit in when I choose to tell him.

My disclosure to HR was amazingly relaxed and well received.  Her greatest concern was if I was happy.

Stevi

[Stevi]

Yesterday, I,  my wife and our daughter went out and picked up the flooring for the living room and dining room remodel.  I was ask by the SA  to sign the delivery ticket.  I took the opportunity to causally tell our daughter that I was in the process of changing my name and what it would become.  No drama from her.  Not much of anything, really.  Not that there was much she could do about it at this point.

Things went very well the rest of the day and all seemed well when I saw her off to work this morning, before we, too, left for NJ.  I hope things don't go sideways like last time.  Don't think they will but I am a bit gun shy, now.

Stevi