Is it okay/normal to feel this way?

[AgentVermont052]

I deeply apologize for a click baity title. I wasn't sure how to make it a short title.

Okay. Basically I'm just in a rough spot. Of all my trans friends I'm the last to start. I haven't come out. Haven't gotten HRT. I don't even have a doctor to refer me to an endocrinologist (the office won't answer their stupid phone).

I'm happy for my friends. I'm happy they're coming out and starting hormones and recovering from surgery. But here I am. Pre everything. 100% of the time being misgendered to those who don't know (which is basically everyone). Basically my enthusiasm for my friends starts and ends with "I'm so happy for you." That's it.

I can't muster up genuine enthusiasm and genuine happiness because I'm too depressed and dysphoric about my progress or lack there of. I feel so behind and like I'm getting left in the dust (which has happened on more than one occasion with other situations and former friend groups).

But because I feel like this, I just feel so horrible because I can't be there for them in this time and it sucks. The one guy I was close with just had top surgery. And like I keep seeing everyone achieve their happiness and finally earn the body they want and I'm just stuck here.

I just wish I could be genuinely happy for them instead of being so depressed about it.

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and going to ask her to write my hrt letters so I can hopefully start transitioning in secret (I have my reasons for this secrecy). And hopefully going to pummel the doctor office with phone calls.

[MissNatalieL]

The first thing I would like to let you know is that there are doctors out there that do not require a referral letter from a doctor or a therapist, I forgot what they call these doctors, but what it is is they will prescribe the hormones to you without you worrying about the risks (they do not worry if you have a therapist to talk to for example). I did not go through a doctor like this, I have just heard of it, and I could be all wrong, the only thing I am sure of is there are doctors that will prescribe hormones with no referral letter, and that they are far and few between, but are around... I still recommend going to an endo though.

I have been wanting to start hormones since 12 years old, I am now 24 years old and am finally (hopefully...) starting hormones this week! I have seen my endo and he has done blood work and will hopefully be getting that back soon! But I was on a 4 month waiting list with him... I have seen many people (no friends) go through transition, and have been so depressed that I couldn't! So I know how you feel! I do not know why you have to be secret about all this, but just to let you know that after I became full time (before even starting hormones), I have not been so depressed when I see someone transition ahead of me, so being who you really want to be really does help take off a lot of stress and depression!

And the last thing I would like to add is, if you are scared to come out to friends/family/strangers, do not be! If you feel it would endanger your life, then I encourage you to not come out! Never endanger yourself! But if you are just scared or worried about how people will react, the majority of people nowadays see it as "somewhat" normal, and they are usually supportive of transgenders. I will say there are some of those crazy oddballs that just think it is wrong, and you should not even interact with those types of people! Strangers generally ignore you, some even compliment you (I know! Crazy huh! Someone you have never met before will come up and compliment your bravery! Awesome huh!), and the people that have to give there lousy 2 cents worth, well you just ignore them.

I hope that helps a little! Just know that the beginning is the hardest and most stressful! After you come out to the first major person, the second one is a breeze, and the third and forth are even easier, after that it just becomes regular and you do not even realize you are coming out to someone anymore because it is so easy. After that you just have to start seeing a therapist, which helps release like, a ton more stress and worry! And then once you start hormones you should be pretty much stress and worry free... as my therapist says, you will finally have the right hormones in your body, so you ARE NOW the gender you want to be! Even if you notice 0 change yet, once you have those hormones in you, you are no longer the gender you were born.

I ramble on... I know, I'm sorry... I hope I helped!



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

[MeTony]

I understand you. I'm in several trans groups on FB. Many are waaay ahead of me. I wish I'd done this 20 years ago. But I didn't. The differance between me now and 20 years ago is self confidence. I know who I am. I know what I feel. I can spend time regretting stuff that cannot be changed or embrace my right path I found. I chose to embrace my future.

Don't look back on what has been. Look ahead. What is coming to you. I hope you get in touch with your doctor.

In my country you need a referal letter from a doctor to see a gender therapist.


Tony

[Kylo]

It's a long process for everyone. The sooner you start the sooner you finish. I wouldn't say "enthusiasm" was the word to describe my feelings on having to get on with it either. I don't even want to do it, go through with any of it, speak to therapists or doctors or surgeons or pharmacists. None of "process" makes me happy. What makes me relatively happier is the light at the end of the tunnel, which at least you can see from the outset in a way. Maybe you should just think about that.

[Elis]

I was the same when I saw ftms at the local trans group. Took me 3 years to actually transition after realising I was trans. At least during those years I became more self assured, confident and it gave me time to think if this was really what I wanted. So wasn't time wasted I'd like to think.

[meatwagon]

that's definitely normal; i feel that way about a lot of things, not just transition.  it's hard to feel like you're stuck and suffering for it while those around you are moving forward and being happy.  it's great to be supportive of your friends and glad for their progress, but that doesn't change your situation, and sometimes it's impossible not to compare.  the best thing you can do is to focus on your own progress, even when it doesn't seem like you're making much.  chances are, something has changed for you over time, however small.  chart out the necessary steps toward your goals and start taking them, and count every step--no matter how small--as an achievement.  if you're having trouble getting the things you need, ask your friends if they have any information or resources that can help you.  i'd count myself lucky to have friends who were further along in transition, as they'd be able to give me some insight based on experience.  it sounds like you're already on the right path, figuring out what you need to do to get from point A to point B, and that's all you really can do: stay on it, and don't be afraid to ask for help from anyone you think might have something to offer.  and in the meantime, don't feel bad about feeling bad, but maybe talk to your friends about it?  hopefully they'd understand.

[AgentVermont052]

The first thing I would like to let you know is that there are doctors out there that do not require a referral letter from a doctor or a therapist, I forgot what they call these doctors, but what it is is they will prescribe the hormones to you without you worrying about the risks (they do not worry if you have a therapist to talk to for example).

Yeah, from what I understand that's called informed consent. Most doctors in my area don't do that, but they do letters and referrals and help trans people, the main reason we require letters here is because insurance won't cover transition services unless you have letters.

My biggest issue I think now is getting into the trans health clinic and seeing a doctor. I'm just really frustrated that the patient representative/who you call to schedule an appointment, never answers when I call no matter what time of day I call. I'm really annoyed right now with playing phone tag with this person. But according to my therapist who sees other trans people who go there, they're just really busy all the time (which is understandable...). My therapist also said the wait list is months long, I just hope that's for surgery and not for a general appointment...

And the last thing I would like to add is, if you are scared to come out to friends/family/strangers, do not be! If you feel it would endanger your life, then I encourage you to not come out! Never endanger yourself!

Thank you, right now almost all my friends know and accept me. They address me as appropriate and know not everyone knows I am trans. They respect my decision to not be out to everyone all the time. I've been interviewing for new jobs and have come out to the interviewer each time with no problems either (we just discuss I haven't changed my name yet so they have to do payroll etc with my dead name for legal reasons obviously).

I'm more concerned with my family though. My plan is to just come out to them when I'm financially stable and just never talk to them again. Even if they didn't kick me out, they wouldn't respect me or my identity and I'm not about to continue living in a toxic environment after that. It's like I'm almost full time... I just need to tell my parents and my brother.

What makes me relatively happier is the light at the end of the tunnel, which at least you can see from the outset in a way. Maybe you should just think about that.

That is normally what helps me, I think at times I get caught up too much in the process. The potential for being denied health coverage and the potential for being discriminated against when seeking care or finding a good doctor in the future.  But trying to envision what I'd be like after all this headache, it helps.

it's hard to feel like you're stuck and suffering for it while those around you are moving forward and being happy.  it's great to be supportive of your friends and glad for their progress, but that doesn't change your situation, and sometimes it's impossible not to compare. - but maybe talk to your friends about it?  hopefully they'd understand.

True, I'm extremely guilty of comparing myself to others. My therapist says that ties into the emotional abuse/manipulation my brother and mom put on me as a kid. And it's hard to break that habit and try to not do that, and remember everyone has a different situation and everyone has their own struggles and how they deal with them. I do plan on talking to my friend about how I'm feeling, and try to express why I kinda disappeared and stopped talking to him. Hopefully he understands.

[Alexthecat]

If the doctor isn't too far away I suggest going there in person and tell them they never answer their phone and that you want an appointment. Be nice to start with but be firm in that you aren't leaving until you get what you want.

[Ryuichi13]

If the doctor isn't too far away I suggest going there in person and tell them they never answer their phone and that you want an appointment. Be nice to start with but be firm in that you aren't leaving until you get what you want.

Yeah...I had that happen with my old endo.  He was AMAZING, explained everything to you in simple language, wrote out my 'script on the first appointment, and kept up with my bloodwork and everything.  I REALLY liked him.

Unfortunately for him, his office staff sucked donkey balls.  Their voice mail "promised" to get back to you within 48hrs.  I called back like three times in December to schedule an appointment, and I'm STILL waiting for my callback.    Whatever.  I'm going to miss my old endo, but I shouldn't have to drive to his office and speak to his office staff person to get an appointment.  How had is it to call back?  5 minutes at the most out of her day, maybe?

Because I needed to have my T levels checked, since the last time was back in September, I found a different endo office, one that also explains things to me a in simple language, calls you to remind you of appointments and most importantly, RETURNS MY PHONE CALLS!!!

So if you find that you have to drive to the closest endo to get that first appointment, maybe you should look for a new one.  OR, make the drive and confront the office staff head-on and get that first appointment!

You'll find that sometimes YOU have to be your OWN advocate.  Sucks but that's how it is sometimes.

Ryuichi