I cannot come out

[jake3029]

Hi I'm really struggling with coming out as a mtf trans i know for sure that I'm trans but i just cannot come out it frightens me so much of what people will think and say about me so i cant do it but i know i have to come out soon because i know that the sooner you start the better right? So i am just stuck in a position where i cant get out of.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jake.  I know this feeling so well!  So well that it kept me in denial (couldn't even come out to myself) for 60 years.  Trust me, you don't want to do it the way I did it.  It was the prospect of going into old age with a deepening depression, hating myself for my cowardice, that finally motivated me.  Don't follow in my footsteps.  Fortunately, I came out to myself and, with difficulty, to my wife, and my life has been beautiful ever since.  You have the chance to do it earlier than I did.

Why is what others think of you so much more important than what you think of yourself?  If you suppress your true self, it won't make others happy, but it will make you miserable.

There is a beautiful life waiting for you, but you have to walk through the fire to get there.  You can do it.  On the side you are on right now, there is only more fire.

[Megan.]

Hey hun! It does take courage, but don't pressure yourself, when you're ready you'll find the strength. In the meantime you can always experiment with small changes to build confidence. Good luck,  we're here for you. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Denise]

Hi, Jake.  I know this feeling so well!  So well that it kept me in denial (couldn't even come out to myself) for 60 years.  Trust me, you don't want to do it the way I did it.  It was the prospect of going into old age with a deepening depression, hating myself for my cowardice, that finally motivated me.  Don't follow in my footsteps.  Fortunately, I came out to myself and, with difficulty, to my wife, and my life has been beautiful ever since.  You have the chance to do it earlier than I did.

Why is what others think of you so much more important than what you think of yourself?  If you suppress your true self, it won't make others happy, but it will make you miserable.

There is a beautiful life waiting for you, but you have to walk through the fire to get there.  You can do it.  On the side you are on right now, there is only more fire.

Once again, KathyLauren is absolutely right. (She's amazing that way )

I waited 50 years and the reason I came out was I was one step from the ledge.  For 50 years the "trans" voice in the back of my head was manageable.  Then in a few short months (2 to be exact) it went from background noise to that's all I heard/felt/thought/... and everything in my life was about to come crumbling down.

Please seek competent Gender Therapy.  Talk to them.  Maybe transition isn't right for you.  Maybe an occasional cross-dressing road trip (I know people who once or twice a year go away for a week) is all that's necessary.  A Gender Therapist will help you sort everything out.

As for others - outside your immediate family NOBODY CARES!  Sure there are those that are curious and those that, lets say, will disappear, but they weren't your friends to begin with.

[Shellie Hart]

I absolutely cannot come out. No way. No chance. My world would go away the very instant I dared to. Everything -- family (divorced, no kids luckily), friends, work...

So I have transitioned completely privately starting at 41. At least I felt I could do it this way. Perhaps you could try it this way?

After two years on HRT I have had many changes. Some quite profound (With HRT be careful what you wish for, I always say). Strangely I have had apparently no changes to the face that I can see (though a couple friends keep insisting I "have changed somehow." They insist I have "lost weight" but it is really because my breasts make my waist look small, I think.). But breast growth is now quite noticeable and I may still be forced out if I don't keep a lot of attention to my clothes every time I go out (I now get "the look" from strangers, though). I can no longer wear the style of shirts that I used to. This is something others that know me will certainly notice as the weather warms up as I always wore pullover shirts in warm weather. I looked good in them, but no more. Now I am developing a nice shape. Almost hourglass, I guess. That's a little easier to hide than breasts.

Somehow I have found my own peace this way. I just live as a female at home. Without FFS I could never pull it off outside home. Hopeless. This is what works for me. For now.

Something to think about...

[Natsuki Kuga]

I'm scared, too, but ultimately, as I look over my life, my greatest regrets arise from the adventures I've turned away from

[Donna]

I had to come out. Two reasons 1- my chest started showing too much. 2 it was making me feel worse hiding it. It was difficult telling my wife but she started the conversation and with my new mindset I refuse to lie or hide my true feelings any more. Did that for 60 years. She was the hardest, family and work where actually very easy and so accepting. As for appearance there are going to be changes that you may not notice as you see yourself daily but others will notice. Before I went full time this month some people that I hadn't seen in a while didn't recognize me. So many don't recognize me now that I am fully dress and made up.
Everyone's situation is so different but deep down you need to feel the time is right and don't stuff it away. That will cause more harm IMHO.

[Quinn]

When I and think people most start looking into being transgender and what that means they start researching it and see all these things you need to do, all the habits you need to change, all the surgeries you have to do, all the medication you have to take, all the discriminations you have to endure, all this and all that etc etc etc

It becomes so overwhelming that you scare yourself into thinking that you will never be able to do this or that.

Not everyone has the need to transition medically, socially, or surgically . some may do all or some may only one or two . The world is filled with people that are diverse and that is a great thing.

Transition for most takes a long time , it is completed by small baby steps that you can handle at the time

Once you compete one thing and it will become your new normal after awile you wont notice it anymore as anything but your daily routine.

and you will think to yourself wow im not doing anything toward my transition so you take another small step and when this step is complete and it feels routine you will take another and another in the same manner

At some point you will look back and see how far you have come not even realizing what you have accomplished and thought you would never be able to do

Transition is not about what other people think about you, its about how you feel about yourself becasue that is what is important

As many will tell you talk to a gender therepist they will help you figure this out. You can tell them how you really feel without judgement.

You might want to try some really small step and see how you feel, it does not need to be medical or perminant, wear womens underwear under your clothes, dress femeine at home, shave your legs it will gromw back fairly quickly if you dont like it. Makeup possibly 

just a few thoughts for you

[DawnOday]

I absolutely cannot come out. No way. No chance. My world would go away the very instant I dared to. Everything -- family (divorced, no kids luckily), friends, work...

So I have transitioned completely privately starting at 41. At least I felt I could do it this way. Perhaps you could try it this way?

After two years on HRT I have had many changes. Some quite profound (With HRT be careful what you wish for, I always say). Strangely I have had apparently no changes to the face that I can see (though a couple friends keep insisting I "have changed somehow." They insist I have "lost weight" but it is really because my breasts make my waist look small, I think.). But breast growth is now quite noticeable and I may still be forced out if I don't keep a lot of attention to my clothes every time I go out (I now get "the look" from strangers, though). I can no longer wear the style of shirts that I used to. This is something others that know me will certainly notice as the weather warms up as I always wore pullover shirts in warm weather. I looked good in them, but no more. Now I am developing a nice shape. Almost hourglass, I guess. That's a little easier to hide than breasts.

Somehow I have found my own peace this way. I just live as a female at home. Without FFS I could never pull it off outside home. Hopeless. This is what works for me. For now.

Something to think about...

If you must go stealth as many of us do from time to time. It's getting tough to wear sweatshirts and hoodies to cover up. I have purchased a binder to keep it close to the vest, so to speak. I don't like it. I don't want it. But, since I can go no further in transition, it is kind of necessary. If I could have surgery, I probably would go full time and then breasts would not matter. As to the other changes in facial features, long hair, round butt. Hey, I'm too old to be flirting anyway.

[Geeker]

Hi I'm really struggling with coming out as a mtf trans. i know for sure that I'm trans but i just cannot come out, it frightens me so much of what people will think and say about me so i cant do it, but i know i have to come out soon, because i know that the sooner you start the better right? So i am just stuck in a position where i cant get out of.

Depending on how old you are and where you live, you may not need to come out except to a few select medical providers. You could do little things to help manage the way you feel, such as exercises to accentuate certain areas of the body or slightly shift your wardrobe. Little things and little steps can make a huge impact.

Of course, I can't really say much since I'm not out either, but I can say that just acknowledging the fact has changed things. Much like you I am in a situation where I can not come out, though I can pursue HRT and am heavily leaning towards doing so.

[AnonyMs]

I'd think that at 15 you don't need to come out to many people yet. If you want to transition there's a number of steps before everyone's going to know. Take them one at a time. Medically, getting on puberty blockers is the most important thing you can do this at this stage.

[jake3029]

So I've had a few chances to tell my mum that I'm trans but I can't say it, absolutely no way it will happen, I'm just too frightened to say it. This is the most hardest thing to do for me.

[KathyLauren]

So I've had a few chances to tell my mum that I'm trans but I can't say it, absolutely no way it will happen, I'm just too frightened to say it. This is the most hardest thing to do for me.

Oh gosh, I know that feeling too well!  It took me six months to tell my wife.  There's only one way: keep trying.  You'll get the words out eventually.

[Jamina]

It helped me to look at it this way; who's going to help you deal with this? It might seem impossible now, but once you can share what's going on for you with someone, you open the door to that person becoming an ally. Yes, there can be fallout and people can find the gender thing hard to deal with. But if you don't ever open up, they'll find all the coping behaviours you end up with equally hard to deal with. Or, worse, they'll base their relationship with you on those coping behaviours (many MTFs overcompensate and act hyper-manly before they come out) and then when you do finally crack it's going to be a lot harder.

So many of us MTFs become lone wolves in life, because we feel a disconnect with cis-males and because (as I am sure you are finding) life tends to separate people along gender lines, especially once your peer group starts to have kids etc. So we get lonely, and we do a lot of thinking alone. Go round and round the same circular thought pattern in your head enough times and it starts to seem like an actual fact of existence. But often these thoughts (often they start with 'if only...' or 'I can't...' or 'why oh why...' or similar) are really just bubbles that are easily popped once we are able to share them with others. If you've been walled off in your head for a long time, it's just bliss to be able to connect with another human being.

A good surrogate if you really can't talk to a fellow human (and you don't have to start with your parent!) is to journal; it can help to write it out. And it can be practise for those difficult conversations. It can also be helpful to figure out what you're afraid of in the conversation and open with that; 'I have something I need to share, but I'm afraid you won't believe me / are going to be angry / <insert fear here>'.

Above all be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. This is not an easy path, but you're not to blame for being on it, and you are not alone.

[BlueJaye]

Jake, I know the fear. It's where I'm at right now. 36, married for nine years, 5 young children, a career in male dominated field, friends and family who are not trans-friendly. I'm terrified of the what would happen if I decided to come out and transition.

My wife knows of my feelings of gender dysphoria, and is supportive as best as she knows how. But I think it would be different if I decided to transition. I worry about long term effects on my kids having to watch their father become the woman they never knew. I don't think being a woman, especially a trans woman, would be good for my current career.

It's horrible to feel stuck in a catch-22. I don't feel like I can keep living permanently as a man, but I am terrified of the ramifications of becoming outwardly the woman that I am.

[krobinson103]

Jake, I know the fear. It's where I'm at right now. 36, married for nine years, 5 young children, a career in male dominated field, friends and family who are not trans-friendly. I'm terrified of the what would happen if I decided to come out and transition.

My wife knows of my feelings of gender dysphoria, and is supportive as best as she knows how. But I think it would be different if I decided to transition. I worry about long term effects on my kids having to watch their father become the woman they never knew. I don't think being a woman, especially a trans woman, would be good for my current career.

It's horrible to feel stuck in a catch-22. I don't feel like I can keep living permanently as a man, but I am terrified of the ramifications of becoming outwardly the woman that I am.

As a teacher and a father of two kids 6 and 11 it was the hardest decision I ever made. BUT, it was the RIGHT decision because I simply could not go on living another second being angry, anxious, jealous, and hating my body all the time. It has had some large impacts on my life in terms of family. the marriage is over, but we may yet find a compromise in living under the same roof and co-parenting. I have faith it can be done.