Just sharing some thoughts

[BeckyCNJ]

I hope you don't mind my using the forum to share what's happening in my life. This is one of the few places where I can "speak" and not be too concerned with being judged or criticized.

It's been a few months since I last posted so a quick re-introduction. I'm in my early 60s. I've wanted to be female since my earliest memories.

I'm happily married and I have three married adult daughters. I told my wife about my gender issues before we were engaged and shared the news with my kids and their spouses last summer. It went very well. If not for the gender issue, my life is just about perfect.

I've always presented as male and my gender dysphoria ebbs and flows as far as intensity. It never goes away but most times I can deal with it. I've never felt suicidal. Over the years, I've seen three therapists; two who specialized in gender issues and one general therapist. My last therapist, while nice, seemed content to listen and didn't give me much feedback, even when I asked. I stopped seeing her in September.

I'm currently taking the lowest dose possible of estradiol via a patch. Not so much to affect physical change but to see if it helps me cope mentally. While I would love to transition, weighing all considerations I feel that staying male is the best of two crummy alternatives.

A few questions. Has anyone used estradiol to get some mental relief? What was your experience?

If I go to see another therapist, any suggestions on how to find the right one? I want someone who is sympathetic but also questions me and gives me feedback.

Finally, I'd really like to find a girlfriend I can talk to. I've been a local support group and even learned of a friend who came out as transgender but I still haven't found someone that clicks. I mean "girlfriend" in the sense of how a woman might describe a close friend, not in a romantic way. I think the fact that I'm not transitioning is a hurdle and perhaps they can't connect with me because I present as a guy. Beneath this facade is a female. I'd be happy to connect with a cis female but hesitate to out myself not knowing how she'll react.

Thanks for the chance to share.

[Jessica]

Hi Becky 🙋 The reason I started E patches was for mental relief, which I was successful with achieving.  I too have the "want" to be a woman but I also have a good life with my wife (who is aware).  Do I choose the easier route by accepting all the changes except the social ones and still be content or take the harder route and be fulfilled?  So far I'm in the middle between the two and at the moment it's working.  Thankfully my wife is supportive of which ever I choose.  I do think either way will work for me
As far as therapists, look for one that has experience with gender issues.

[Gertrude]

Re therapists, where are you located? I'm sure we can find someone good.


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[BeckyCNJ]

Thanks, Gertrude. In central NJ.

[Chloe]

Thanks, Gertrude. In central NJ.

         Yea "central NJ"! I spent early years in Toms River and finished high school in Connecticut after a brief stint in Florida. Turning 62 this month in Georgia am divorced going on 10 yrs but 'ex' and I are once again together with 2 kids still under 20 + grandbabies!

         My "wife" (lol her word not mine!) also knew of my TS issues prior to marriage 30+ years ago but decided to keep me anyway. Suppose am in permanent "male-fail" mode on a low dose of E as well but never put much stock in "therapists" per se . . . my "Yankee Minister" is a successful TS herself who conducts a weekly group but was never really big on "sharing" either . . .

lol comparing "bust size" in the parking lot after NOT my idea of a "good time"!

Isn't your spouse your BF? Kindred souls are hard to come by! Spent a year living with a now inactive member here @ Susan's (and her family while "wife" & I were fussing) but THAT, while life-saving for me, proved heartbreaking for Julia (member's spouse) they have since split up and have lost contact completely.

Family is "huge" (lol to quote Trump!) for me too Becky and positively cannot relate to the "LGB" side of "T"!! I've enjoyed the attentions of numerous close gay friends in the past but think God insists we remain solitary in the shadows  . . .

But, of course, there's always Susan's!

Cheers!

[BeckyCNJ]

Hi Kiera and greetings from up north. Let's hear it for 1956!

My wife is definitely my best friend but I can only talk to her about this so much and, try as she might, I don't think a non-transgender person can really understand what it's like.

[Deborah]

A few questions. Has anyone used estradiol to get some mental relief? What was your experience?

Yes.  I'm 58 now and started E with a prescription and after seeing a psychologist in 2015.  I also have known I was trans since I was around 11 and, especially in the last 20 years was suffering a great deal of dysphoria to the point where I was constantly angry and depressed, came close to suicide once, and spent the rest of the time wallowing in suicidal ideation.  So, life generally sucked.

E cured all that.  It did not cure me of being trans but it did drastically reduce the dysphoria and eliminated all the issues with anger, depression, and suicidal ideation.  It had that effect very quickly, almost overnight, and the effects have been lasting.

There was a time in the past when I did HRT DIY without a prescription or medical supervision.  The mental effects then were much the same.  However, I began to suspect I was destroying my health when I started having chest pains and I stopped the HRT.  The dysphoria quickly returned, seemingly worse than ever, and made life a living hell. 

So what my lengthy experiment of one showed me is that independent of all other factors, the HRT fixes my mind and makes life enjoyable.


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[Gertrude]

Thanks, Gertrude. In central NJ.

We have several members from Jersey. Hopefully they'll pipe in.


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[BeckyCNJ]

Deborah,

Thanks for sharing your experience with E. I'm having my HRT under medical supervision so I'm not overly concerned about negative side effects, although I am keeping an eye on that. My dosage is very low so I think that minimizes some possible side effects.

Yesterday I had my annual physical. My doctor is wonderful and has been very understanding and supportive. I asked her to perform a breast exam (my first) to see if she could detect any breast growth or possible problems. Outside of a little nub, there was nothing. I never thought I'd be asking a doctor for a breast examination. :-)

Becky

[Britney79]

Becky,

Thank you for sharing! My life is kinda parallel to yours. I have known since I was young that I wanted a different, as young as 8 I felt I was the wrong gender. As I got older through high school those feeling were always there, but I push them down keeping them hidden.

It has never really bothered me to present as male, or live the masculine lifestyle. I am for the most part able control my gender issues. I will admitt they pop up from time to time, but suicide has never been an option for me. I have a really good life. My wife is fully aware of my gender identity and we have dicussed numerous times.

But, in turn I have a weighted my options for transitioning. But, for me at this point I have came to the conclusion that transitioning is not the correct path. I have came out to all of my family, and they are supportive in what ever path I chose.

I think therapy helps me as well. The fact that being able to talk openly with support eases the depression a lot. Don't get me wrong I do day dream of living as a woman full time, and I consider myself female.

Thank you for sharing your story!!!!!😁

I too wish I had more female bonding, I feel that is one thing that is missing.

Hugs,
Britney

[Northern Star Girl]

@ BeckyCNJ:  I had to chuckle when I read what you stated: 
"" I never thought I'd be asking a doctor for a breast examination. :-)""

Same here for me...  it was difficult for me to ask my doctor for a breast exam...  he was very kind and understanding and explained everything that he observed.  Even though he told me that all appears OK, now that I am almost a full C cup he wants me to have a mammogram to establish a benchmark of sorts.   
That will certainly be another exciting "first" in my journey.  ....  in the waiting room with all the cis women waiting for my exam!!!!

[SaraDanielle]

Hi BeckyCNJ,

I read a lot of parallels to my life in your post.  Happily married, in a job I love (for the first time).  I manage a team of 12 engineers, and I don't want their relationship with me to change.  Transitioning would also break my parent's hearts.  So I won't do that (at least for the next couple decades). 

I'm 41. I've had a lot of transsexual leanings over the years - starting in 3rd grade. But just last year, did I notice the   anger/depression started becoming real when the trans thoughts came my way.  About the same time I finally admitted to myself that I was a real trans  - not someone just teetering on the edge.

I want to do something to experience the feminine.  Something small that might help stabilize. 
I'm looking at low-dose E.  Just got permission from my wife to start - but we are worried about the possible downer to the sex life. 

Hope you experience on E goes well,

Sara

[JoanneB]

Low dose E for a good part of my life was my "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" salvation from my GD when it became too overwhelming. On low dose for a few weeks to months, feel better in weeks, and finally going off when things started to take a hit below the belt in violation of "The Prime Directive" of being a normal(ish) guy.

Like you, I have two crummy and a third even worse option. Sucking it up and living male is the lesser of all evils. With my new doc worried about slightly (as a couple of points over) elevated prolactin my E was cut to barely nothing. After a couple of months of that, stopping altogether was easy between easing off slowly vs cold-turkey and a reborn "Life sucks and then you die" outlook. Oh, and likely no option to up the dose to my usual with the slightly elevated prolactin level. So my third really even worse option often seems way too viable    Unfortunately I am too depressed to make the followup appointment for new blood workup and the findings from my research on what's troubling her. Oh, and there is that big flu thing so stay away from doctors offices if you can

So Yes, E does help emotionally. Even low dose. Impossibly low like the same as 1 pill a week? Shoot me now and end the pain.

NNJ just 3 miles from the GWB here and work next door to Asbury Park. The therapist I see is in Eatontown. In the New Brunswick area is IPG's main office. They cater to LGBT. I can't say mine is the greatest (formerly w/IPG) but far better, especially for TG stuff then then the generalist I saw before her. TBH 90% of why I see her has been non-trans related.

I feel your pain about therapists being more enablers then challengers. I have a TG Support group for that. For "Challenging", there is only so much a spouse can be called upon for. I have gotten the reality check questioning or challenges but not to the depth or intensity beyond mine, either pro or con.

But then, if you are stuck between a rock and a hard place with a pile driver pounding your head.....

[deanna7506]

My life is similar in that I'm 52 , married and has 1 daughter. I had desires of being a woman at a very young age. As a teenager, I had gynecomastia which made me self conscious. Sadly I didn't tell my wife prior to getting married. Both my wife and daughter know that I'd rather be a woman. For the last year I've been on low dose E. I'd say I'm addicted. I feel good when I'm on it. If I am late. I'll get a headache, a side affect, for a few hours. It has also made my breasts grow. My wife and daughter have noticed. I now wear a sports bra to exercise. My GP, who is aware, might have to do an examine as well.

[Julie -2010]

Becky,

  Thanks for speaking you mind. it is nice to know someone else is out there a lot like me.  I'm also married and have 3 adult sons (one is married).  I'm in my mid 50s and have been on HRT for a little over a year.  The HRT saved my life.  I was depressed, sad and thinking about life and did I want to continue as it is.  I said I would try HRT.  My mental state improved 100%.  I first thought it is just because I excited to be on it.  But all these months later, I'm happy.  I haven't been this happy in 10+ years at least. I still get sad like anyone else but not like I was.  My mind is so much clearer.

My wife has known since we first got engaged 30+ years ago.  My family doesn't know and I want to take that next step but I'm working with the wife on how. 
I would like to transition full time in a few years since I couldn't do it at the place I work now, but I'm struggling with what I really should and need to do. 
Shop around for therapist.  Ask about some at local LGBTQ centers.  I have Kaiser medical and they have a great trans program with good therapist, but I have gone to others that weren't part of Kaiser.  One was good the other not.

I too would like to find a girl friend that can relate to where I'm at and kind of the same path.  I think that is going to be hard. 

Hope this helped some.  Julie

[Donna]

I just decided to jump right in the first of the year and started presenting as female even with some facial hair and no long hair. That is all fixed now and I'm much happier. I lucked out on a counselor as she is in an office that deals with transgender folks and has herself transition in 1997. She can talk and understand first hand the issues I face and this helped move my progress along.

[Julie -2010]

Deborah,  I'm a lot like you.  I was a mess before HRT.  I didn't know if I really wanted to live.  Right away on HRT my whole outlook changed.  I thought, oh it just a temp thing since I wanted to go on HRT.  But I've been on HRT now for 13 months and I feel just as good as that first week.  I'm not saying I don't get down, but it is not the same as before.

Julie