Question regarding final places to "come out" to

[LaRell]

Okay......so I am mostly living "full time" now.  I felt ready to quite a while ago, but it wasn't til just the past month that I finally really felt comfortable with it.  I think a combination of reasons being that for one I have really been noticing a lot of feminization in my face which makes me feel far better about being seen in public.  Two, it took my wife that long to get comfortable with being seen with me out in public.  She now encourages me to dress up and put my wig on when we go out because she knows how much it means to me, and she is more used to me that way now than without my wig on.  Ha ha.  And also just a general increase in my own personal confidence.

  So anyway.  Like I said, I am out to every one and very publically out on Facebook and things, and go to all of our regular coffee shops and things now as my female self, and it has been great.  However.......there are two places that I have never presented as female, and that is our daughters school, and my dentist.  I personally don't have a problem with being myself even there.  I mean this whole time, I've been dropping our daughter off at school and picking her up with my fingernails painted, and womens jeans on, and girly shirts and girly hats and things.  But for whatever reason, my wife is against me going with my wig and makeup on.  She is supportive of me presenting as female absolutely everywhere else we go together now, but our daughters school remains the only no go zone.  And I'm trying to understand her reasoning.  She says that she is afraid that our daughters kindergarten teacher (who does seem like a conservative stick in the mud) would not treat our daughter as good if she were to see me that way.   And while I can kind of understand that to an extent........I feel like she just needs to get over it, and that Emma's teacher will be fine.  And even if she's not......I definitely don't want our daughter to receive any backlash from it.  But is that really a justifiable reason to expect me to experience the sadness and dysphoria I have to experience every single morning when I go to drop her off at school or have to go pick her up? 

  I even talked to my gender therapist about it the other day, and my therapist seemed to kind of be of the opinion that I should just start showing up as myself, and no need to even "explain" to them why.  So I don't know what to do.  My wife tells me that she just wants me to wait til after this summer to go "full time".   I don't know what she feels is going to happen over the summer that is going to magically make it okay to start going to her school as myself.

  So what are your guys thoughts on that subject?  It's really hard for me because I absolutely do not want to get into any arguments with my wife over it.  And she obviously feels like she has her good and valid reasons for me not to, but they don't seem like good enough reasons for me to have to not be myself.   It has been the most amazing, freeing, emotionally happy times of my life lately finally getting to just be myself every day.......other than going to our daughters school.  I don't know what to do!  Like I said, my therapists advice seemed to be to just do it.  But I don't want to be disrespectful to my wife's wishes either and whatever reason she has.

  As for my dentist.......For one, I don't want tooth bits flying into my nice wig, but also......they are one place that has known me this whole time as a man, and I've been struggling with knowing how much it might weird them out if I just suddenly showed up that way.  And since they are drilling on my teeth, I don't necesarilly want to give them any distractions.  Ha ha.  However something kind of funny happened when I was there the other day.  The one dental assistant is a really nice lady with a good sense of humor.  Her and I are always cracking jokes with each other.  So we were joking around like normal, and then after a while she leaves and comes back with my chart.  And she says "I just wanted to make sure nothing has changed with your chart.  Are you taking any medications now that aren't listed on here?"  So I looked and said "Actually........I am now taking female hormones, so maybe that should be listed on there."  She did not even react at all to that.  She just simply handed me the chart and a pen and said, "Oh okay, you want to write down on there what they are and what dosages you take if you know?"  So I did.  But I found it interesting the way she did not even flinch or react to that news in the slightest bit, which makes me wonder if she actually picked up on that before I even told her, and that's why she wanted to see if that was on my chart or not.  So yeah......I guess as far as my dentist goes, they now have on my chart that I take Estradiol and Sprionalactone, but who know if they would know to make the connection that I am trans.  I still don't want tooth bits in my hair, but that is well worth not having to go out in dysphoric boy mode.

  AHHHHHHH!!!!

 

[Natsuki Kuga]

To my eye, you're absolutely beautiful. It'd be a pity if you weren't out more.

I feel you about the school thing. Me, I have a very anxiety-prone kid in her final year of high school, so I'm trying not to rock the boat until graduation. You, you have another twelve years to go get everyone in the schools adjusted. No time like the present. Unless you feel like holding off a couple months. Would that be awful? Sounds like it would be.

Per your dentist... I'd suggest that they're professional health care providers and that you may not be the first.

[sarah1972]

Funny enough my final frontier is Facebook. Most of my friends there know which leads to awkward situations when I am called Sarah or someone posts a really girly picture of me.

This is a concession to my wife who fears her transphobic coworkers. And that is fine with me. This is all hard enough on her. Even tough she initially did not want to, she ended up telling her parents and it did go OK.

Everywhere else I am out.

Funny you mentioned Dentist... I was there last week and when checking out and got a new appointment she asked for my name and of course I said Sarah (all my ID's and insurance are still old name and male) and she was really confused. But then I just asked if they have a field for preferred name and she entered Sarah there. We smiled at each other and that was it. My GB has an online system where I just entered Sarah and was surprised it worked.

We never officially told our kids Daycare, but me showing up in a skirts or dress and heels or with full makeup made it so obvious that the Christmas gift we got was handed to our kid with the comment " This is for your Moms". Made me so unbelievably happy that day.

Maybe DMV and Birth registry could also count ...

[KathyLauren]

For your dentist, you don't have to wait for an appointment.  Show up and talk to the receptionists.  They can update your records.  If the dentist and/or hygenist has a moment to spare, the receptionist can call them out to meet the new you.  You don't have to try and explain your transition with a mouth full of hardware.

My dentist moved to a new building and held an open house at a very opportune time.  I showed up for the open house, waited for a moment when the dentist wasn't talking to anyone else, and told her.  I was in boy mode at the time, but I got a great big hug.  So, no surprises when I showed up for an appoimtment en femme.  And she freezes my lips for electrolysis for free!

I haven't had any tooth chips in my wig yet.

Dealing with your wife's restriction regarding your daughter's school is something you'll have to negotiate.  If her concern is the specific teacher, then her plan to wait until after the summer makes sense: your daughter would likely have a different teacher then.

[Tommi]

My dentist was super chill about the whole thing. Proper pronouns immediately. No problems at all. I was pretty relieved!

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[Northern Star Girl]

LaRell:  it was wonderful reading your good report about getting close to going full-time.  Oh yeah... very good about your dentist too!!!  I would not expect dentists and doctors and their staff to even flinch an eye over your revealing that you are on hormones... or any other medications or life changes that thier patients tell them about. 

I hope that the situation with your wife and the school issues resolve in a congenial way.  I think it is understandable that the woman you (as a man) married may have the biggest adjustment to make regarding your transition so it is good to see that she has already accepted the female "you" in a many ways already.  If you read some other's trans-person's postings this is not always the case... count yourself fortunate so far and continue to share about this with your therapist.

Thanks for posting this terrific update.
Danielle

  ****NOTE:  I really like your photo on this thread... definitely presenting as a convincing female!!!

[Cassi]

My dentist was super chill about the whole thing. Proper pronouns immediately. No problems at all. I was pretty relieved!

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From your avatar I can't see why he would be bothered at all.

[Cassi]

Okay......so I am mostly living "full time" now.  I felt ready to quite a while ago, but it wasn't til just the past month that I finally really felt comfortable with it.  I think a combination of reasons being that for one I have really been noticing a lot of feminization in my face which makes me feel far better about being seen in public.  Two, it took my wife that long to get comfortable with being seen with me out in public.  She now encourages me to dress up and put my wig on when we go out because she knows how much it means to me, and she is more used to me that way now than without my wig on.  Ha ha.  And also just a general increase in my own personal confidence.

  So anyway.  Like I said, I am out to every one and very publically out on Facebook and things, and go to all of our regular coffee shops and things now as my female self, and it has been great.  However.......there are two places that I have never presented as female, and that is our daughters school, and my dentist.  I personally don't have a problem with being myself even there.  I mean this whole time, I've been dropping our daughter off at school and picking her up with my fingernails painted, and womens jeans on, and girly shirts and girly hats and things.  But for whatever reason, my wife is against me going with my wig and makeup on.  She is supportive of me presenting as female absolutely everywhere else we go together now, but our daughters school remains the only no go zone.  And I'm trying to understand her reasoning.  She says that she is afraid that our daughters kindergarten teacher (who does seem like a conservative stick in the mud) would not treat our daughter as good if she were to see me that way.   And while I can kind of understand that to an extent........I feel like she just needs to get over it, and that Emma's teacher will be fine.  And even if she's not......I definitely don't want our daughter to receive any backlash from it.  But is that really a justifiable reason to expect me to experience the sadness and dysphoria I have to experience every single morning when I go to drop her off at school or have to go pick her up? 

  I even talked to my gender therapist about it the other day, and my therapist seemed to kind of be of the opinion that I should just start showing up as myself, and no need to even "explain" to them why.  So I don't know what to do.  My wife tells me that she just wants me to wait til after this summer to go "full time".   I don't know what she feels is going to happen over the summer that is going to magically make it okay to start going to her school as myself.

  So what are your guys thoughts on that subject?  It's really hard for me because I absolutely do not want to get into any arguments with my wife over it.  And she obviously feels like she has her good and valid reasons for me not to, but they don't seem like good enough reasons for me to have to not be myself.   It has been the most amazing, freeing, emotionally happy times of my life lately finally getting to just be myself every day.......other than going to our daughters school.  I don't know what to do!  Like I said, my therapists advice seemed to be to just do it.  But I don't want to be disrespectful to my wife's wishes either and whatever reason she has.

  As for my dentist.......For one, I don't want tooth bits flying into my nice wig, but also......they are one place that has known me this whole time as a man, and I've been struggling with knowing how much it might weird them out if I just suddenly showed up that way.  And since they are drilling on my teeth, I don't necesarilly want to give them any distractions.  Ha ha.  However something kind of funny happened when I was there the other day.  The one dental assistant is a really nice lady with a good sense of humor.  Her and I are always cracking jokes with each other.  So we were joking around like normal, and then after a while she leaves and comes back with my chart.  And she says "I just wanted to make sure nothing has changed with your chart.  Are you taking any medications now that aren't listed on here?"  So I looked and said "Actually........I am now taking female hormones, so maybe that should be listed on there."  She did not even react at all to that.  She just simply handed me the chart and a pen and said, "Oh okay, you want to write down on there what they are and what dosages you take if you know?"  So I did.  But I found it interesting the way she did not even flinch or react to that news in the slightest bit, which makes me wonder if she actually picked up on that before I even told her, and that's why she wanted to see if that was on my chart or not.  So yeah......I guess as far as my dentist goes, they now have on my chart that I take Estradiol and Sprionalactone, but who know if they would know to make the connection that I am trans.  I still don't want tooth bits in my hair, but that is well worth not having to go out in dysphoric boy mode.

  AHHHHHHH!!!!

 

There's such a sparkle in your eye.

[Kendra]

Dentist's office is relatively easy.  They are medical professionals in a competitive field - I bet they will be more than civilized, they will probably amaze you with the amount of support.  Their primary job is helping keep your teeth in good condition - once they are aware of any new medications, technically that's about all that matters but they will probably be super nice about it all. 

School teacher.  One potential idea is bring your wife to a meeting with your therapist and go over the good and bad on that together.  Your wife (and you) understandably have fear of the unknown, but after a point the fear becomes worse than any potential downside.   And you might be surprised - just because someone is conservative doesn't mean they will automatically freak out.  My father is very conservative, he absolutely hated my hair getting longer and was disgusted to notice I had pierced ears... and when I came out as transgender he suddenly understood and is very accepting.  Some people can't handle anything nonbinary but are fine interacting with someone who completely switches over. 

Kudos for many, many great accomplishments you have already tackled.  And your wife is awesome. 

[Kokoro]

It's great that you're almost out full time LaRell, you certainly look ready for it!

If if may throw my 2 cents on the school teacher issue (and this may be touchy, so...)

TRIGGER WARNING


- it sounds like your wife may be actually concerned about your daughter, and not necessarily your daughters teacher. The teacher may just be an excuse. This is an important distinction to make. I'm sure you have thought for a long time about it, but what impact would picking-up/dropping your daughter off have on her? You didn't mention her age, is she in Kindergarten? If she is older, then there is a chance her friends may 'out' you... and that may lead to teasing her even by her friends. Perhaps it's an indirect way of saying 'don't embarrass her'. It is an unfortunate situation where there is no easy answer.


- or it could actually be about the teacher. Some teachers can be downright evil, even in this day and age. Though there is nothing she could likely do to your daughter directly there are plenty of psychological ways to provoke her. Splitting her up from friends, harsh punishments for minor misdemeanors, not ignoring her answer in class, always talking in harsh tones etc. And when this comes from someone who she should trust, it can leave a large impact.

But is that really a justifiable reason to expect me to experience the sadness and dysphoria I have to experience every single morning when I go to drop her off at school or have to go pick her up?

Only you can truly answer that.

But if I may add my own experiences, when I was a kid my parents divorced and for almost 10 years were constantly at one another's throats until my father completely cut ties with me and my mother. Their hatred for one another would overpower every other need or desire, including me. If they could use me to get at the other, they would. They didn't put their child first, but their own wants and desires. And to most people I know, that is parenting of the worst order. And I suffered for it.

Now I'm not saying someone should cast off everything for the sake of their child, but something more along the lines of putting the child first, and yourself second. Making sure your kid has enough to eat doesn't mean you go without any food yourself.


I'll end this rather sombre post with a bit of silver lining - You mentioned about waiting until after summer. Is there truly nothing happening over the summer, or more importantly, upon the start of the new school year? Is your daughter changing schools (from elementary to Jnr. High)? Moving up a year? Is the teacher leaving? Is there something she knows that you don't like the staff getting LGBT sensitivity training (this is happening more and more in public teaching environments)? It may just be as simple as giving everyone time to cool off, relax, de-stress and start the year with a meeting with said teacher.

It's not a crusade against YOU, hun, just another problem on your transition journey to work around. Apply yourself to it like all those that have come before and you'll come out the other side smiling.

*Hugs*

Kokoro

[ToriJo]

For me, Dentist was literally the last person - and that was last week.

I showed up for my cleaning, smiled at the receptionist, and said, while she was looking at me very confused (they all know me as a man), "Well, if you're wondering, I now have a new name and a new gender!"

The Dentist came out from the back and hugged me, congratulating me.  The assistant was really awesome.  I was terrified because I couldn't wear as much makeup as I normally would and know under those bright lights my facial hair was going to be obvious. But they were awesome.

[Tommi]

From your avatar I can't see why he would be bothered at all.

Thank you for being kind

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[SammyHatesGreenEggs]

Sorry to hear about the situation with school.  I don't have much to contribute there, but thought Kokoro's post was very well written.

In regards to the dentist, I just sent mine an email telling them they should send notices to my new email address (which is a feminine name) and told them I was transgender.  For them, it wasn't a big deal negatively or positively, just another note on the chart.  As many others have pointed out, 1) they're medical professionals and 2) they are in a competitive field where your money is the same as everyone else's.

[Cassi]

Well, I've been coming out to family slowly and each one or time it's a 50/50 chance of acceptance or rejection.

So, earlier today one of my nieces who I hadn't see in a long time since I was in Texas made the comment about coming to Vegas and visiting.  I replied that I've been going thru a lot of changes to which she asked if I was okay.  And I responded probably better than I have ever been.

As we chatted I weighed in on whether or not to say anything and finally she asked what was up and I said GID/GIS.  She asked what that was and I said Gender Identification Disorder/Syndrome to which she replies "ARE YOU TRANS?" and I responded, Yes.

So I'm sitting there and there's not response and I'm figuring oh, guess this isn't going so well.  Then a few seconds later she's replies that she's soooooooooooo jealous of me!

That blew me away because I wasn't sure where she was going with this.  If it was some sort of joke or what.  Then she tells me she's trans too and has been dealing with it all her life.  And that she has been giving it serious consideration about FTM after the kids are grown. 

Wow, this blew me away and we chatted and I switched over to my Cassi FB page and we friended each other.  When she first got to the Cassi page she was blow away by my profile pic which was the one I had on her a week or so ago.  I told her it was me but I had used the FaceApp program.  Then I texted her my Red Wig pic and my current avatar and she was blown away.  She was amazed and I had to reinforce the fact that I don't look like that all the time.

So, we are good and we have company!

[Cassi]

Thank you for being kind

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You're welcome and just saying what I see.

[TonyaW]

Funny you all mention dentist.  After family and work, my dentist was the first person I came out to.  He's a very good friend and my best golfing buddy so kinda had to. 

Facebook is last place I can think of that I'm not officially out.  The friends there that need to know already do. Name change being legal now, I'm thinking it's time to at least change from the initials that I've been using there for about 9 months to full name. Some of my wife's extended family are facebook friends and most of them don't know so I want to get an ok from my wife before I do anything though.

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[Mary1]

Funny you all mention dentist.  After family and work, my dentist was the first person I came out to.  He's a very good friend and my best golfing buddy so kinda had to. 

Facebook is last place I can think of that I'm not officially out.  The friends there that need to know already do. Name change being legal now, I'm thinking it's time to at least change from the initials that I've been using there for about 9 months to full name. Some of my wife's extended family are facebook friends and most of them don't know so I want to get an ok from my wife before I do anything though.

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I would say all of them don't know

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[LaRell]

Oh so many wonderful replies!!!!  I was sitting here today realizing that I completely forgot to check if anyone had replied to this post, and I get on here and see all kinds of wonderful replies!  Thank you all so much!  Very helpful and interesting views and ideas!   I really appreciate it!

  And living full time has been my absolute dream as I'm sure it is for many trans people.  Ha ha.  I was beginning to believe that it would never happen for me.  But now here I am for the most part.  ha ha.  And I can tell that very shortly, it will for sure be 100 percent of the time.  It is so fun to get to just be me and live my life, with my wife and myself getting to go to all of our favorite places as my true self! 

  Call me sick or whatever, but I am actually greatly looking forward to the experience of flying and going through airport security and what all that brings since so far I still have my male ID.  I have become a bit of a "take no crap from no one" kind of trans bitch (I'm actually very soft hearted and nice to absolutely everyone I meet, but get on my bad side, and I will tell you where to shove it. ha ha), and my wife is the same way.  She told me the other day that "No one better ever say anything about you using the women's restroom when I am there, or I will come unglued on that person!"  Ha ha.  Glad to know I have that kind of awesome support!  You friends are right!  She is amazing and I am so incredibly lucky to have her in my life going through this!  But yeah, I actually welcome experiences where there might be a potential "issue" like going through airport security, just because I have reached a point in my life where I have fully come to accept this existence and what it is and what it means, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and if people don't like that, or don't understand, then whatever.  It's my life, not theirs.

   As for our daughter....Yes, sorry if I failed to mention she is currently in kindergarten.  So yes, will definitely have a different teacher next year, and we are thinking possibly an entirely new school that teaches more according to our wishes and is not so test driven like her current school is.  So if we do move schools with her, it will be far easier to just start showing up right from the start as myself, and then it will never even have to be an issue.  Some of our daughters classmates could potentially harass her in the future about it.  And I hate to think about that, but her mom is raising her to be a very independent, strong young lady who I think is being set up for a life of success.

  As for my dentist......Yes, I don't know why I have no problem at all presenting as female everywhere else, but have a little bit of a hard time there.  One of my problems might be that I know the dentist is Mormon, and I used to be for most of my life, but he doesn't know me from church and doesn't know that I was Mormon too.  But just knowing what he believes, because it was also my belief for so long, I know he is not likely to "accept" it.  But you are right, that if he wants to keep getting my money, he won't scare me off, and this is who I am, so he can either get over it, or I find another dentist.  Ha ha

[Northern Star Girl]

OK now LaRell:  Well, what are you trying to do posting your new and beautiful Avatar/Profile picture... are you trying to make everyone jealous here???  You may have done that for sure.   Wow-whee, you look absolutely stunning in that dress, your painted nails, your choker necklace, your nicely done hair and that great big smile!!!

Yes, finally going full time will be a monumental and most memorable experience for you... and you are so fortunate that your wife is with on this journey. 

Airport Security, Women's Restrooms, and other potential problem places will go much easier for you with your wife on your side and the fact that you are so convincingly female and should pass without any problems... but getting your ID's changed over are an essential thing to do once presenting as a female full-time.

Yes, your daughter at a new school, new teachers, new location, etc.... makes it much easier for you.... presenting as a female at the very start bypasses the issues that come up when you gradually transition in front of them.

I can not imagine that your dentist, no matter what his religious beliefs, would be an issue,,,,, but like you stated, if it is there are other dentists that you can go to.

Thank you for your update, I always like to read what is happening with you and of course to see your new pictures whenever you post them.   Oh, and again, your new Avatar photo is terrific.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

[LaRell]

OK now LaRell:  Well, what are you trying to do posting your new and beautiful Avatar/Profile picture... are you trying to make everyone jealous here???  You may have done that for sure.   Wow-whee, you look absolutely stunning in that dress, your painted nails, your choker necklace, your nicely done hair and that great big smile!!!

Yes, finally going full time will be a monumental and most memorable experience for you... and you are so fortunate that your wife is with on this journey. 

Airport Security, Women's Restrooms, and other potential problem places will go much easier for you with your wife on your side and the fact that you are so convincingly female and should pass without any problems... but getting your ID's changed over are an essential thing to do once presenting as a female full-time.

Yes, your daughter at a new school, new teachers, new location, etc.... makes it much easier for you.... presenting as a female at the very start bypasses the issues that come up when you gradually transition in front of them.

I can not imagine that your dentist, no matter what his religious beliefs, would be an issue,,,,, but like you stated, if it is there are other dentists that you can go to.

Thank you for your update, I always like to read what is happening with you and of course to see your new pictures whenever you post them.   Oh, and again, your new Avatar photo is terrific.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

  I always love to read your replies Danielle!  You are always so good for my self esteem!  Yes, my new profile pic is from the photo night I was asked to attend the other night.  I had a bunch of pictures taken that night, but just got back the first few of them today.  And that is one of my favorites!  Thank you!