Oh my goodness! I really should have wrote this sooner, but I can't help it, always so much to do...
Where we left off, my wife was commenting/chastising me for my makeup and my voice. We had come to an agreement that I should be using my voice at night when I first get home. For awhile, I just got home too late to be able to, but then for awhile, I would get home early enough but feel like my voice wasn't working or coming out. It was awful.
And from my wife's perspective it's like, "I agreed to the thing you wanted to do, so why aren't you doing it?" Her line of questioning even crossed, "Are you really sure you even want to do this?" And I honestly don't know what to make of that from her. Of course I do! I am a woman and I've never been happier or more-content with myself than I am now! I believe she is an ally, but questions like that really don't seem that way...
I think she's more upset with my makeup, though. I mean, from her perspective, I've spent over $100 in makeup products, and drove about 10 hours to go to the Sephora classes and yet...I'm not wearing makeup. For me, it is hard, really hard. Because I often shoot myself down before giving myself a chance, that is starting to change with my transition. Like, I eventually just want to dance, shaking my hips and having a good time, but I just don't feel like I'm enough of a woman physically yet. I put on makeup occasionally, but I think I was a bit scared by the time I wore makeup through the burger king drive-thru. Similar to how I lost all confidence in my voice when my new friend pointed-out how it still sounded male...
But, it can also be hard to do something for yourself, sometimes, even if it's what you truly want. And, when I was writing these notes down, I thought maybe I could put on makeup for my wife's sake, and in-turn help myself out. She really, really hates the mask I wear to work. But the mask is so important right now, I don't know if I even would have been willing to go to work until I'm on HRT... everything has kinda been at a bit of a stalemate lately. Aside from things like dating as a woman, or actual sex, or more into fashion or like other things that are feminine but aren't required, I feel- what I have remaining is essentially makeup, HRT, and surgery. Makeup feels like it's such a wall, and I do not plan to get surgery ever. (or at least, I hope I wont need surgery)
My wife basically explained she's concerned that I won't be satisfied even after HRT. And I feel that is a legitimate concern, I'm sure many of us have felt like HRT alone wasn't enough. Truthfully, I do hope HRT will be enough for me. If it isn't, and I need FFS, then that's all the more terrifying if THAT will not be enough either...
I did notice something with my transition, though. The truth is, I am still holding back, and I have to hold back. I don't see a woman's face when I look in the mirror yet, so in my brain it's like if I tried to act 100% like how I feel, then it wouldn't be right. A few days ago, I was talking for awhile in the shower and caught myself when I got out, still talking. No wonder it's so hard to accept my voice for my wife, and for me. I hear my voice, then I look at my face, the only option is to cry at that point. I never felt so absolutely hideous than in that moment. So, for now, I still just need to really avoid mirrors except whenever I actually do apply makeup.
My wife found this transgender support group, so I went and it was really cool and nice! It was kind of an informal affair, there was about 12 people and like 4 were FtM which I thought was really cool! I have always worried about the 10:1 ratio that people say. We introduced ourselves, then discussed the topic of internalized transphobia. I don't really remember too many of the details now(I waited a bit too long to write this, sorry!) but a couple things do come to mind. Basically, gender segregation is a form of internalized transphobia. Separating toys/hobbies/clothes/vocabulary/ect. Between male and female. But what is interesting about that, is by doing so, for more binary transgender folk, we have a pretty clear roadmap to what we want. Feminine beauty standards seem to be so heavily represented or even forced in our culture that by adhering to them, it usually means one can 'pass' fairly easily. But this is not always the case, and I feel like that in real life, aside from my face- I do pass pretty convincingly, at least from a bystander and stranger point-of-view. There's going to be an entirely new level of scrutiny going on when it comes to dating.
Like, I won't know how well I pass until I actually step out of my comfort zone and take off my mask and actually approach people sometimes. I know I tried that more early into my transition, I think set-backs like what happened at Burger King and talking with my friend about my voice really hit my confidence hard. Now, I act more like a frightened little child, afraid of approaching or being approached by anyone.
I worry so much that if I just go with makeup, that people will notice I was AMAB and then something bad might happen. I think the reality of situations are often greatly exaggerated in our heads, but in this case, I am not so sure. I have not faced discrimination head-on like many have. I want to stand-up for myself, but I honestly don't know how. And this fear of not actually passing almost makes me feel like I shouldn't even transition, while fully knowing it is what I want and need to do for myself.
Something I've asked a few times, and I still think might be a possibility, but I don't know since no one really has really presented enough evidence for this, is the topic of HRT changing your mental structure. I always saw every ugly detail when looking at the world, and that's how I developed my art style. I love exaggerated, cute artwork to death, but I can not seem to draw like that to save my life. And I hate how I draw. A part of me hoped that HRT might have a positive effect upon my artwork, but this seems like it won't be the case.
Anyways, I am trying to improve and joined the Inktober challenge this month, though I am stopping at 10 for many reasons. I did a bit of a retrospective and feel like my art is enforcing that idea in my brain. I really feel like I am holding back and I can't fully embrace who I am, and so I don't fully embrace my emotions or my vision as an artist. What do you think? These are my drawings.
Day 1 - Candle
My first drawing. I really didn't understand how much detail I was trying to add. I took some shortcuts by mirroring the arms, but I ran out of time and didn't get to shade it.
Day 2 - Storm
I really like how the creature turned-out here, but a big problem seems to be finishing the work as well as overall execution. I like the pose of the woman, but I realize the way the puddle is shaped and where her leg is, it would only make sense if she was already standing on 1 foot. I still don't fully know how to shade, but I experimented here and it looks alright. Ran out of time again.
Day 3 - Pumpkin
With this one, I felt I had a really neat idea, but I executed it poorly. I imagined a jack-o-lantern sitting on the porch, and it would suck children into it's gaping maw to fuel the fire within. Not the really weak version I have drawn here. I also ran out of time, once again.
Day 4 - Dog
This was the first one where I didn't look at any reference images, and it certainly shows with the anatomy/perspective. But I was quite proud of this weird dog-dragon thingie. I worked too hard and too long on the fur effect, really hurt my hand.
Day 5 - Blood
This was a particularly dysphoric day. I felt like I was being torn apart. When I was younger, I would claw my shoulders until they started bleeding. No reference image here, either, and it looks kind of okay I guess? I think I was interpreting it as the monster was either within, or I am just the monster.
Day 6 - Flames
At first I had an idea that was kind of similar to the Smelter Demon from Dark Souls 2. Some person who had a furnace in their stomach and parts of their body were becoming stone/metals, but I was concerned about my limited knowledge on anatomy, so I decided to make a lizard-thing that was going to be made of flames. But I ran into a similar and even worse problem than with the dog; all I could manage to finish was the main body, and I don't think it really looks like flames anyway.
Day 7 - Water
I went back to references with this one. I felt like what I did with storm would have worked with water, too. So I got this idea of drinking a hostile water, that transformed into spikes, splitting open the drinker's face, neck, and chest. I nearly finished this drawing, then hated it so much I abandoned it. Came back, redrew without much references and still really not a fan of how it turned out.
Day 8 - Cyclops
This was the first of when I felt like I began to execute my ideas better. I can't draw anatomy well, but an eyeball and tentacles should work. So I couldn't just draw a humanoid creature with one eye. I also thought about doing something similar to Day 5 - Blood, and having a girl with a patch over one eye, blood running down her face, but again, anatomy is a problem. I imagined a sentient eyeball parasite thing, looking for children host to use as hosts. So the eye is simultaneously crushing the head, and stabbing through the vertebrae to gain control.
Day 9 - Slimy
This one was more of a satirical or political piece, but misdirected. I saw this sub->-bleeped-<- called r/transgendercirclejerk and the content was simply abhorrent. It was meant to be in irony, but I didn't know that right away. I felt like the jokes went a bit too far into territory, there's laughing at how others negatively perceive us, and then there's 'joining' the joke by playfully agreeing or making outlandish statements, and I felt like some jokes were going way too far and would make many people really upset. Anyway, so I pictured a person made of slime, typing away while browsing the sub->-bleeped-<-. Changed to simply a universal 'no' symbol over the transgender flag. I like how it turned out, but it still wasn't quite what I had originally envisioned.
Day 10 - Bones
It wasn't going to be my final one, but I was already 1 day behind at this point, and knew I couldn't finish the challenge because of Disney; and things just got more and more hectic here, so I decided not to keep going. My first idea was like a skeleton closing around a victim, like an exoskeleton, somewhat. But it seemed really complicated and relied on anatomy. Then I thought of this idea where maybe a skull had like vertebrae coming out the eyes and hands or something- would that look okay? I went through several tries before basically needing to rely on reference heavily. The end result is this skull-spider thingie, and I think it turned out quite well!
In happier news, I have recorded my first session of the next game I'm playing! I really enjoy it so far. It has lots of characters and I was kind of worried to be doing many voices, but it seems to be working out. The different voices I use may seem super cringy, but it is fun to do them. I do fluctuate with my voice, but I think I am really growing accustomed to it and recognize when its good. It still takes awhile to warm up, but I can get it prepped and be semi-fine very quickly now. I really think a big part of this(at least for me) is confidence. After my capture setting, I felt good about my voice and recorded it using the Voice Pitch app and I could not have hoped for a better result!
In rather downer news, things aren't looking so good for the indie game studio I volunteer for. I have become a bottleneck(as I knew I would) but it has slowed-down development tremendously, not to mention the loss of one of our best artists. Basically, thinking about how much has been done for this past milestone and how much needs to be done for the final game, I could see it taking 5 or 6 more years, when the original aimed release date was next October. I've kinda been delegating some, and that's helped, but I can't really manage to put in more than a few hours a week and when I'm in charge of doing so much directly, it just slow production down exponentially.
And, truth-be-told, I really love the game idea and my work put into it. I'd even be willing to keep working on it for another 5 or 6 years, but I feel like it's best not to. We have a small team, the longer the development cycle, the higher possibility of people leaving. We have 3 artists, 2 of them are not actually 'artists' I am not technically a writer or animator, but I work on those, too, occasionally. It hurts giving-it up like this, after I worked on it for over 2 years already. But right now, I can't put in enough time for it, and it's only causing me stress. I am also concerned about what will happen to my team members but... the only ones currently being paid is 1 artist and a composer. The composer has money back-owed to them, while the artist only gets around $100 a month(they're contract is based on work completed, and not hours done.
So it really seems like the next few weeks are gonna be pretty busy. Next week I have another meeting with my therapist, my first appointment with a medical clinic that offers HRT, I now go this support group every saturday, and starting the 26th I will be in Disney world with my wife and her family. I will have to present as male, unable to wear my bra and stuff; but wife already bought some female sweat pants and they are really nice, hug my butt well, too!
It makes me happy but also sad at the same time, my wife really opened-up to me when we got into a rather big fight the other day. She is actually envious of my body, and I'm not on HRT yet. I had expressed my concerns about this previously, but it really seems like she'll be okay. The only way she wouldn't be okay, I feel, is if her boyfriend showed interest in me.
But, anyway, hoping the next entry will be much more exciting and with me probably leaving my indie game studio this month, I will be able to do these closer to every week. Because when I finally do start HRT, I wanna keep track of how I feel and look and document that alongside my usual 'blog stuff'
Anyway, here are the remaining episodes of my Axiom Verge letsplay! The finale got pretty long, I did some extra fun editing stuff for it, and also there is a heart-to-heart chat at the end between Eryn and John.
Anyway, take care y'all! Love ya!
