How to live a happy life and not fully transition

[Karen]

Hi everyone.   

I would love to hear and understand how MTF transgender individuals find ways to live a happy / comfortable life without full or social transition.   Is there anyone out there that lives this way?

My therapist and spouse are asking me to explore ways to integrate my feminine side into my life without transition, but I can't seem to find examples or stories.   I am early 50s, married with kids and a career.   Daily I wear stockings, underwear and a bit of undetectable make up.  I wear women's jeans on the week end.   I am about a year into laser hair treatments, including my face.  Even with this, I find I need to find time to be alone as a woman.  The feelings and need to do so seem like they are growing. 

My therapist says lots of older adults live happy lives and find ways to integrate or satisfy their femanine side, without full or social transition.   Can anyone share their stories and how they do it?

Feeling desperate.  Thanks.

[Breeze 57]

Have you thought about going on HRT?  I haven't transitioned socially, but have been on HRT for about 2 months now.  I found I feel much more at peace now and don't really feel the intense urge to transition socially.  Not saying I won't ever transition socially, but for today I feel satisfied.  And for me, that's not a bad way to feel.

[Shellie Hart]

Well, this is exactly what I have been doing quite successfully for two years now. Lucky for me, I guess, I was born quite feminine in shape to begin with. Yes, I should have been born a girl. My childhood was hell because of my appearance, but starting two years ago I started HRT and have had some profound changes. I started nearly flat-chested. Now I am having a tough time hiding these full C-cups and my hips are suddenly growing nicely now in the last two months. I live as a soft, sensual, sexy female at home. But I am strictly male outside home (which again, is getting very tough with noticeable fully erect breasts all the time). I have had to toss out my tight pullover shirts that I loved. Only wear more bulky button-ups now. Yes, people notice a guy with boobs. I am getting better at ignoring the looks. Some days better than others. HRT has not affected my face much. Hopefully this year there will be changes. Otherwise, HRT has kicked my a**......all in good ways.

Is this a happy life? Well, considering where I came from it is. But I always say, with HRT be careful what you wish for!

I wanted some nice breast and hip growth. A nice change to my face, skin and overall feminine shape. But estrogen wanted me to have large breasts first before anything else pops up. But I will add, I no longer smell like a man. I now have that sweet feminine scent from HRT. Love it....

Of course, I live alone, so I can "live my dream" in the privacy of my home.

[Devlyn]

Hi everyone.   

I would love to hear and understand how MTF transgender individuals find ways to live a happy / comfortable life without full or social transition.   Is there anyone out there that lives this way?

My therapist and spouse are asking me to explore ways to integrate my feminine side into my life without transition, but I can't seem to find examples or stories.   I am early 50s, married with kids and a career.   Daily I wear stockings, underwear and a bit of undetectable make up.  I wear women's jeans on the week end.   I am about a year into laser hair treatments, including my face.  Even with this, I find I need to find time to be alone as a woman.  The feelings and need to do so seem like they are growing. 

My therapist says lots of older adults live happy lives and find ways to integrate or satisfy their femanine side, without full or social transition.   Can anyone share their stories and how they do it?

Feeling desperate.  Thanks.

Big hug! It's about finding your happy spot. For me that's the external characteristics of a woman with a mixed male/female identity. It took awhile to figure that out. Just give yourself time and take the steps that make you comfortable and happy.

Hugs, Devlyn

[amydane]

I consider myself a pretty happy person most of the time. I haven't transitioned fully in the sense that I'm not living full time as a woman. I have been on HRT for 10 years and lasered off my beard, but that is the extent of transition at this point. I get some stares from people due to the softening effects of HRT and no beard. I'm 40, but look like I'm in my 20's because of the softening effect. This may be a bit of a hindrance in my career, but I'm okay with that. My aspirations to run a company fizzled after my first run at owning my own business failed. 

My only transitioning plan at this point in time is to have an Orchiectomy, so that I can stop taking Spironolactone. I don't have a huge desire to live full time as a woman at this point, not that it won't change in the future. I don't feel as incongruent with my true self as I once did, mostly because of the HRT and beard removal,

It also helps that my wife and son are supportive. I'm happy at the moment, but still have my fair share of sad and hard times, but I don't feel that gender issues play as big of a role in my happiness or sadness as in the past.



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[laurenb]

I'm on that plan. For lot's of reasons I'm choosing not to socially transition. I present feminine male; have long hair and wear 80-90% women's clothing. I rarely get correctly gendered, lol. I've been on mid/low dose HRT for over a year. Would I like to socially transition? Yes, truthfully. But I'm late 50's and I have a family, it's complicated - you've heard the stories, I'm sure. The political climate doesn't help. The HRT + therapy has helped my head tremendously. It's all about what you can tolerate. Good luck and know that whatever works for you is the correct thing to do.

[VickyMI]

I think I have a pretty good mix living on both sides.

I present male mode outside of the house for golf tennis and most social activities I myself alone or with my wife as a couple.

At home I present female all the time. In addition I get out of the house as Vicky probably on average twice a week.  I go to dinner, movies, shop, play golf and tennis, etc. you name it I do it.

I enjoy living on both sides. I'm lucky to be only 5 8 150 pounds with soft features.  I have had electrolysis and laser and have no beard or body hair.  I had a track shave and lip lift.  So I pass as female quite easily.  I get hit on at straight bars all the time.  But I can pass either male or female depending on how I dress and use makeup.

Just two weeks ago I started low dose HRT without any testosterone blockers.  I'm not sure I'll continue as I do not want to lose my physical strength as I play competitive club level golf.  And if you play golf distance makes a big difference.  I just have this desire to try it and see how things go.  I really don't want to leave my male life. But I have this strange desire to try HRT out and see where it goes.  Very excited about it.

[Tess100]

Vicky, that sounds like a great life!  I am hoping to find that sort of balance for myself.

[Karen]

I agree.   Vicky, it does sound like you are in a good place.   Please tell us more about your journey, life and how you have done it.  Thanks for sharing.

Karen

[Another Nikki]

I consider myself a pretty happy person most of the time. I haven't transitioned fully in the sense that I'm not living full time as a woman. I have been on HRT for 10 years and lasered off my beard, but that is the extent of transition at this point. I get some stares from people due to the softening effects of HRT and no beard. I'm 40, but look like I'm in my 20's because of the softening effect. This may be a bit of a hindrance in my career, but I'm okay with that. My aspirations to run a company fizzled after my first run at owning my own business failed. 

My only transitioning plan at this point in time is to have an Orchiectomy, so that I can stop taking Spironolactone. I don't have a huge desire to live full time as a woman at this point, not that it won't change in the future. I don't feel as incongruent with my true self as I once did, mostly because of the HRT and beard removal,

It also helps that my wife and son are supportive. I'm happy at the moment, but still have my fair share of sad and hard times, but I don't feel that gender issues play as big of a role in my happiness or sadness as in the past.



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I'm 4 visits in to laser facial hair removal and have an intake appt. next week to discuss my gender issues with a therapist- as best as I can tell that's step one if you want any level of trans related medical care with Kaiser.  I had a few therapy appts last year "off the books" that confirmed I'm going to need to do some transition related things....

So question if you don't mind- after 10 years on hrt, starting at 30, isn't boobage an issue when presenting male?  I think I could hide a little development, which is likely all I'll get at 45, but it makes me angsty thinking about it- I want to go on hrt but I also need to present male for a few more years for work and family reasons.

[Gertrude]

Wondering why. I would think some transition to the point where they're comfortable. Not sure I'd leave anything off the table at the start, but might not do the full Monty either. Just see what happens.


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[Karen]

I consider myself a pretty happy person most of the time. I haven't transitioned fully in the sense that I'm not living full time as a woman. I have been on HRT for 10 years and lasered off my beard, but that is the extent of transition at this point. I get some stares from people due to the softening effects of HRT and no beard. I'm 40, but look like I'm in my 20's because of the softening effect. This may be a bit of a hindrance in my career, but I'm okay with that. My aspirations to run a company fizzled after my first run at owning my own business failed. 

My only transitioning plan at this point in time is to have an Orchiectomy, so that I can stop taking Spironolactone. I don't have a huge desire to live full time as a woman at this point, not that iit won't change in the future. I don't feel as incongruent with my true self as I once did, mostly because of the HRT and beard removal,

It also helps that my wife and son are supportive. I'm happy at the moment, but still have my fair share of sad and hard times, but I don't feel that gender issues play as big of a role in my happiness or sadness as in the past.



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. 

Thanks for sharing.    How have you kept your body changes hidden?   I am really interested in HRT given what I've heard about mood and sense of self....I am worried about body changes being visible.  Would love them personally, but can disclose them or come out. 

Thanks

Karen

[amydane]

. 

Thanks for sharing.    How have you kept your body changes hidden?   I am really interested in HRT given what I've heard about mood and sense of self....I am worried about body changes being visible.  Would love them personally, but can disclose them or come out. 

Thanks

Karen

The only body changes that anyone else would notice other than softening of the face is the chest. When I started HRT I weighed around 155 lbs, and at 6 foot that is pretty thin. I have been able to hide my B cups with a good high impact racerback sports bra. I get mine from Forever 21.

When I gain weight, my boobs get bigger. I don't think I could hide anything bigger than the B cup, so I've got to watch my weight. Also, I can't really wear golf shirts, only button up or t-shirts. If I wear a t-shirt, I need a white undershirt. It seems to help hide any lines, and isn't as snug looking.

One thing I have to look out for is the random hug I will get from family, friends, or women co-workers. I am really insecure with hugs when I have a bra on, because I don't want the hugger to feel it when their hand is on my back.

If I know I am going to be somewhere with the huggers, I wear a compression shirt under and undershirt under a button up.

I hate swimming, because I have to wear a t-shirt over a good compression shirt. Getting out of the pool can be tricky, especially when the shirt is clinging.

Walking into the wind makes me a little self conscious as well, because it pushes my shirt against my chest.

I don't have even a moment of regret, except that I wish I had begun HRT sooner. For me the dysphoria is greatly reduced, and I am a much happier person.

I hope this helps Karen. Have a great weekend!

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[Shellie Hart]

One thing I have to look out for is the random hug I will get from family, friends, or women co-workers. I am really insecure with hugs when I have a bra on, because I don't want the hugger to feel it when their hand is on my back.

If I know I am going to be somewhere with the huggers, I wear a compression shirt under and undershirt under a button up.


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I know in recent months that I can feel my breasts getting "smushed" when I get hugged (I don't wear a bra outside home). I know the hugger can feel my big lumps when they squeeze me too hard (always women, though). I sometimes wonder if they do it on purpose so that they can determine that my breasts are "real." My C-cups are quite visible so I think they are curious and just don't have the wherewithal (or guts) to just ask aloud. I hope they never ask, but I know the day is coming.

Last Christmas I was hugged by a young female family member who is very well-endowed and I could feel her endowments against my chest very well. I know she could tell that I had something extra too, as my breasts have become firm and erect, and they project outward quite obviously sometimes in certain shirts. I try to ignore the curiosity of others and hope they are not gossiping about me when I am not around, but I am sure they are...unfortunately....

[Karen]

The only body changes that anyone else would notice other than softening of the face is the chest. When I started HRT I weighed around 155 lbs, and at 6 foot that is pretty thin. I have been able to hide my B cups with a good high impact racerback sports bra. I get mine from Forever 21.

When I gain weight, my boobs get bigger. I don't think I could hide anything bigger than the B cup, so I've got to watch my weight. Also, I can't really wear golf shirts, only button up or t-shirts. If I wear a t-shirt, I need a white undershirt. It seems to help hide any lines, and isn't as snug looking.

One thing I have to look out for is the random hug I will get from family, friends, or women co-workers. I am really insecure with hugs when I have a bra on, because I don't want the hugger to feel it when their hand is on my back.

If I know I am going to be somewhere with the huggers, I wear a compression shirt under and undershirt under a button up.

I hate swimming, because I have to wear a t-shirt over a good compression shirt. Getting out of the pool can be tricky, especially when the shirt is clinging.

Walking into the wind makes me a little self conscious as well, because it pushes my shirt against my chest.

I don't have even a moment of regret, except that I wish I had begun HRT sooner. For me the dysphoria is greatly reduced, and I am a much happier person.

I hope this helps Karen. Have a great weekend!

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Thanks.   It sounds like you have a good routine in place!   

I have to wear a suit to work and would need to hide my chest.  What kind of compression st shirts do you use?

Would also love any advice concerning hiding your chest at home.  Worried about kids and don't want my wife to be uncomfortable or see until she wants to. 

Thanks.    Karen.

[Lucy Ross]

site:susans.org not fully transition - Google Search  It's an avenue a lot of people pursue.

[amydane]

I know in recent months that I can feel my breasts getting "smushed" when I get hugged (I don't wear a bra outside home). I know the hugger can feel my big lumps when they squeeze me too hard (always women, though). I sometimes wonder if they do it on purpose so that they can determine that my breasts are "real." My C-cups are quite visible so I think they are curious and just don't have the wherewithal (or guts) to just ask aloud. I hope they never ask, but I know the day is coming.

Last Christmas I was hugged by a young female family member who is very well-endowed and I could feel her endowments against my chest very well. I know she could tell that I had something extra too, as my breasts have become firm and erect, and they project outward quite obviously sometimes in certain shirts. I try to ignore the curiosity of others and hope they are not gossiping about me when I am not around, but I am sure they are...unfortunately....

I'm jealous, I would love to have C cups. I can imagine it's really hard to hide them. I wish I didn't have to hide them, but for me at this point full time transition isn't something I feel like I need to be happy. 

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[amydane]

Thanks.   It sounds like you have a good routine in place!   

I have to wear a suit to work and would need to hide my chest.  What kind of compression st shirts do you use?

Would also love any advice concerning hiding your chest at home.  Worried about kids and don't want my wife to be uncomfortable or see until she wants to. 

Thanks.    Karen.

I had to try a lot of compression shirts before I figured our the right ones. I have three from Under Armor (a size smaller than my normal size) and one from a vendor I found online from China. They all work pretty well, but I prefer the sports bra.

I also wear dress shirts to work. With my lighter color shirts I have to wear the compression shirts. I how with the white compression with a white undershirt over it, with my light dress shirts. Summer can get pretty hot. Where I live it gets up to 115 several times per summer. Good thing I'm in the climatized office almost the whole time. During the winter I like to wear sweaters over my dress shirts, which help a ton to minimize the signs of a female chest.

It was hard on my wife at first, but somewhere along the way a switch flipped, and now when I have my shirt off, she wants to touch them (sorry, probably too much information). Don't get me wrong, she wouldn't go for my full time transition, but we will go on our girls trips together from time to time. I keep reminding her of the positives of having a transgender spouse. We can share clothes, we can go shopping together, and we can talk about more of a broad range of topics...

My son knows that I'm transgender and sees me fully dressed as a woman once a month, so it hasn't been an issue at all. He is turning 11 soon, and my wife and I made it a point to explain that I am transgender when he was six or seven. He hasn't had an issue with it yet, and I try to keep an open dialogue in case he ever has questions or issues.

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[Karen]

I had to try a lot of compression shirts before I figured our the right ones. I have three from Under Armor (a size smaller than my normal size) and one from a vendor I found online from China. They all work pretty well, but I prefer the sports bra.

I also wear dress shirts to work. With my lighter color shirts I have to wear the compression shirts. I how with the white compression with a white undershirt over it, with my light dress shirts. Summer can get pretty hot. Where I live it gets up to 115 several times per summer. Good thing I'm in the climatized office almost the whole time. During the winter I like to wear sweaters over my dress shirts, which help a ton to minimize the signs of a female chest.

It was hard on my wife at first, but somewhere along the way a switch flipped, and now when I have my shirt off, she wants to touch them (sorry, probably too much information). Don't get me wrong, she wouldn't go for my full time transition, but we will go on our girls trips together from time to time. I keep reminding her of the positives of having a transgender spouse. We can share clothes, we can go shopping together, and we can talk about more of a broad range of topics...

My son knows that I'm transgender and sees me fully dressed as a woman once a month, so it hasn't been an issue at all. He is turning 11 soon, and my wife and I made it a point to explain that I am transgender when he was six or seven. He hasn't had an issue with it yet, and I try to keep an open dialogue in case he ever has questions or issues.

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Thank you !   Very helpful.   Please keep sharing.    I hope to get to your place of openness and acceptance at home. 

[Barri]

I cannot ever transition, and will never understand this "happy" delusion thing.
I am content and accepting that at 6'8" 250ish lbs I will never look like a female in any way shape or form.
I started taking Hormones over 14 years ago, 54 now, there has never been much change other than lessened hair growth and small breast growth.
I live my life as a giant intimidating man, however if I were less than 6 feet tall with smaller than size 16 feet I would transition in a heartbeat, world, family, friends be damned.
That is not an option though, so I just do the daily stuff I do, wear what I want beneath my male garb and at home and accept my incontrovertible lot in life with a grin and what I estimate to be a reasonably content outlook.
My wife, and some friends know and it's not been an issue...former wife blabbed to anyone who would listen and most thought she was full of crap, others who asked me got no denials, I have never been one to care much for the opinions of others.
My advice is you do what it takes to achieve a consistent level of contentment for you, most of the people at my local support group cannot imagine settling into a life like mine, I suspect neither would most here.
Regardless, be the you, you want to be, and don't let others dissuade you based on their petty wants and sensibilities.
absolute best hopes for you sustained mental stability in this quest.