So...I set myself up for heartbreak and now that it's getting closer to heartbreak time I'm taking it a lot harder than I thought I would.
So I do figure skating and a girl came up to me a while back and we started hanging out at the rink, then we started hanging out more...I got a major crush and asked her out on a date, and she accepted and said "let's see where this goes"...
I was perfectly happy with that, and I like what we have....It's really comfortable and romantic, and we're basically doing all the things one would do in a relationship besides sex, because that's not something either of us are concerned with or need...
I got jealous earlier because we've been talking about going into ice dance, and she was ice dancing with the guy who helps her instructor...I saw it and it made my heart drop. She spent the rest of the day talking to him, and when our lessons were over for the day she was telling me all of the reasons why he's great...He's 4 years younger than her, but he's in school for something similar to what she'll be going back to school for, he approached her personally about coaching her privately and I spend most of the day wrapped in my head over-thinking.
I knew I was being silly and jealous...Like we haven't been dating that long, but I feel like we have this amazing connection and it's the most comfortable I've ever felt with someone. My dog even likes her, and my dog doesn't like pretty much anyone but me.
She didn't pressure me into talking about it, but communication is important so when she asked about it a second time I opened up. I don't know if we just don't get what the other is saying, but she brought up "opening the relationship" and "if she wanted to pursue something romantic with him she'd talk to me first"....Like there's nothing wrong with polyamory, but it's not for me.
It was supposed to be easy for us to just call whatever we are off and stay friends, but I'm way too invested. I don't want her out of my life, and I think we'd actually be really well together, but now I'm just psyched out.
I knew I was setting myself up for disappointment but it still hurts to think it's coming sooner rather than later.
I've already been really self conscious in the sense of relationships lately, because I wasn't attracted to my last girlfriend, I finally get attracted to someone, they return the attraction and now this....
I'm not a biological male and it makes my perspective partners a much smaller selection....Lesbians don't date men (an I fully intend to go through all surgeries at some point)....Gay men don't date women (which I currently biologically am)...Most trans women I've met are into men.
I've always been self conscious because I've never been enough for anyone. I've been through a lot of heart break and each one gets worse and kills my self confidence more and more...I'm a romantic. I love the idea of being love, but I want a real one....
I'm tired of people leaving me, or not liking me back, or attracting the wrong people...What's worse is I did this to myself. I should have just went with my gut that she didn't like me at all (which is not entirely true, obviously) but like...I knew she wouldn't want me, but I thought it was worth a shot because I like her so much and we have so much fun, and I haven't felt this kind of comfortable attraction...But noooo I had to man up and get bold and ask her out and set myself up for this. Fears confirmed, and if this doesn't work out, which I'm 99% sure it's not going to because I don't know if I can't put myself through this, and I'm probably going to lose a friend because I like her so much it's going to hurt me to see her with someone else when/if someone else comes along, and it'll just hurt too bad....
How the hell am I supposed to keep putting myself out there when I've been proven time and time again that I'm not meant to find love, and no one will ever love me or keep me??
I've spent so much time investing my love into people who hurt me, and I'm so tired of it, but I feel so empty without it. I get jealous when I see happy couples. I get jealous when other people my age are settling down and having kids and buying houses and it just seems like everyone has their ->-bleeped-<- together, and everyone's found their fairy tale bull crap love story, and I'm just living paycheck to paycheck in a one bedroom apartment alone with no hopes of finding anything else.
What's worse is I had convinced myself I was happy alone....I was so proud of myself. I didn't need anyone, I was content, I didn't need anyone and I was SO HAPPY, then someone came along that made me feel stupid feelings again and now I'm stuck feeling the heartbreak like I always am.
