What goes on in your head?

[Andi H]

Just wondering how many of you actually knew what was going on in your head from an early age.  While I personally had these thoughts and feelings since I was old enough to remember, it still took me a few decades to figure out.   Now it seems obvious, but in my case I seriously just thought there was something wrong with me much of my life and sort of tried to ignore it.

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[Jennifer W]

Just wondering how many of you actually knew what was going on in your head from an early age.  While I personally had these thoughts and feelings since I was old enough to remember, it still took me a few decades to figure out.   Now it seems obvious, but in my case I seriously just thought there was something wrong with me much of my life and sort of tried to ignore it.

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I always knew as far back as 5 or 6. I always felt out touch with everyone. I've been lost for a very long time and just recently became aware of all the feelings I've had in the past were GD. I remember sitting outside on the curb outside my house reading Christine Jorgensen's book and identified with her immediately. I wonder if all my learning disabilities had something to do with my GD. I am accepting myself more and more for who I am at 64.

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[KathyLauren]

I had no idea what was going on in there!  I knew at age 7 that I wanted to be a girl, but I had no idea why.  And since that was "obviously" not possible, I filed that thought away and carried on like I was supposed to.  I started cross-dressing around puberty.  But I thought that made me a pervert, so I hid it and tried not to do it.  I never fit in as a guy, but I though there was just something wrong with me.  I cross-dressed again in my thirties, and I knew that it was more than a fetish, but by then I thought transgender people were weird and I couldn't possibly be one of them.  You get the pattern, I'm sure.

I didn't figure it out until age 61.  So I totally get where you are coming from.

[Andi H]

At 38 I'm much more comfortable with myself and enjoy every moment of not pretending to be male.  I seem to have gone thru a very similar chain of events.  What really woke me up, and led to me coming out and living as me, was hearing of others that were like me.. I too didn't identify as transgender interestingly enough untill more recently, as I suppose I just wasn't educated enough on what it meant or how it related to my situation. 

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[Julia1996]

I knew at a very early age. 4-5 years old. I didn't know what trans was at that age but I knew something was wrong and that I wasn't a boy and even at that age I was very resistant to anything male, male clothes, toys, etc. Thankfully my dad didn't try to force male behavior on me.

[FinallyMichelle]

We can know what we want and what we feel like at a young age, but can we know what that means? It took me a while against direct and persistent opposition but by puberty there was no doubt. Even then I didn't have a name for it, just shame at being so twisted.

Like most people on the planet, we do what we can with what we know.

[Shawnna]

I've been trans female my entire life.  I don't have any concept what it means to be cis male.

The only things I know about being male are what I've observed or been taught.  The other boys I encountered could have been from a different planet or species from what I knew.

The girls on the other hand made sense and felt the same as me, just in a different package.

The thing I could never figure out was why everyone was forcing me to be one of the aliens instead of the girls that were just like me.  They were trying to fix the wrong problem. I just needed my physical self to be the same as the other girls.  I didn't have a word for until later in life.

Now I have the term transgender female but it's always been the same feeling. It hasn't changed in 57 years. I don't think it's going to change any time in the future.  All I can do is change my body to match who I've always been, the best I can, and find a way to accommodate anything I cannot change.

It's actually so much easier for me to transition then to deny who I really am, if that makes any sense.




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[Andi H]

I appreciate you ladies sharing!  I think many aspects are similar for a lot of us.  I just find it interesting how some people know in a different way perhaps from early on. 
As early 4 or 5 years I was sort of identifying as female and trying to wear bras and such, but for the next 30 years I looked at it as some sort of a problem that I had to hide, and kept it to myself.  Tried my best to be what I thought I guy was supposed to be, but always felt like I came from a diferent planet or something.   I understand a lot of me not pursuing transitioning earlier was I didn't really understand it was ok or possible, so I guess I did know from the strart in ways.  But I really had no idea exactly what it was I was feeling till I was in my 30's and decided to let myself explore it.. and instantly realized what I was missing, and apparently what had caused so much anxiety my whole life.
While transitioning at first created a different type of social anxiety, it too for me was/is much easier than the alternative.

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[Allison S]

Nothing is wrong with you, or any of us (as far as being transgender goes). But a lot is wrong with the world. Hopefully it's coming around

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[Andi H]

Nothing is wrong with you, or any of us (as far as being transgender goes). But a lot is wrong with the world. Hopefully it's coming around

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Thanks, Allison.

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[Julia1996]

I appreciate you ladies sharing!  I think many aspects are similar for a lot of us.  I just find it interesting how some people know in a different way perhaps from early on. 
As early 4 or 5 years I was sort of identifying as female and trying to wear bras and such, but for the next 30 years I looked at it as some sort of a problem that I had to hide, and kept it to myself.  Tried my best to be what I thought I guy was supposed to be, but always felt like I came from a diferent planet or something.   I understand a lot of me not pursuing transitioning earlier was I didn't really understand it was ok or possible, so I guess I did know from the strart in ways.  But I really had no idea exactly what it was I was feeling till I was in my 30's and decided to let myself explore it.. and instantly realized what I was missing, and apparently what had caused so much anxiety my whole life.
While transitioning at first created a different type of social anxiety, it too for me was/is much easier than the alternative.

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When I was very young I thought some awful mistake had happened. I knew I was physically a boy but I thought it was a mistake and that it would somehow correct itself. Then when I got older and found out about SRS I just knew I would have it when I grew up. I didn't try to be a boy because I was just not capable of doing it. I've never known how to be male. If I had tried I would only have failed miserably so I didn't try to be anything else but what I was. But life would have been much easier for me if I could have played the male part.

[Kylo]

Who knew the whole deal at age six or something without being explained to? Not me, anyway. I knew I wasn't happy. It manifested as self-hate in the early days but later as disconnection from society and other people. I guess for a long time I felt like everything I was and every decision or feeling I've ever had I was somehow powerfully responsible for. With that mindset, you tend to think gender issues are excessive vanity or arrogance.

I suppose the positive side of that is learning that you're aren't personally responsible for these things, but the negative side is to acknowledge you've been powerless, at the whim of a malaise, and didn't know it. That your life wasn't ruined by you, but even worse, by some quirk of genetic fate or something. For me that's hard to accept since my modus operandi has always been to assume control of as much of my own life as possible.

Before the penny dropped completely, I was under the impression I was basically cis, basically normal, and could work at being normal, y'know... fix every little thing one way or another through career or experience or philosophy and get a normal life. Unfortunately the fact of it was that I was not "normal" and there was no easy fix. But for a few years there I was deluded into thinking I was just like everyone else, except with a boatload of inexplicable, alienating complexes.

Until I knew the real nature of the problem there's no way I would have figured out the real solution. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be "happier" never having figured it out. Being nebulously miserable but not knowing why versus the total acceptance of your crap fate and that nature has screwed you over big time. I don't know.

[Julia1996]

I think for a lot of trans kids their parents are intolerant when they show behavior of the gender opposite of the gender they were assigned at birth. They are told they are doing something wrong and what they are doing is "bad". And sadly some kids are beaten for it. When stuff like that happens I can understand why some people try so hard to suppress their trans feelings. Thankfully my dad was very tolerant with my feminine behavior and didn't try to force male behavior on me. Because of that I never had a strong motivation to try and act like a boy or to try to repress my female feelings.

[Andi H]

Reading these responses, I should stress again as I have before, (and, since I'm pretty new around here) that it is amazing to have all of you to talk with!
Andi

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[Julia1996]

Reading these responses, I should stress again as I have before, (and, since I'm pretty new around here) that it is amazing to have all of you to talk with!
Andi

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Glad to have you here. Ive been here almost a year and it's been extremely helpful. Ive recieved some excellent advice here.

[Andi H]

Glad to have you here. Ive been here almost a year and it's been extremely helpful. Ive recieved some excellent advice here.

Thank you.  I've found myself reading some of the topics here n there for a year or so, but just made my first post recently.

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[Karen]

I can relate to your question.   

I never felt like I fit in or belonged.   I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour.   I liked hanging around the girls.   I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls.   I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.   

I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different.   I often wondered if I was gay.

I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known.   I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia.  I eventually suppressed my feminine side.

My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week.   And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life.  Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.   

Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender.   I have always wondered who I am and why I was different.    I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation.   It was like lightning struck me. 

My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am.  I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life.  On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted.   My spouse knows and is supportive so far. 

Lots to figure out.  I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.   

[Andi H]

I can relate to your question.   

I never felt like I fit in or belonged.   I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour.   I liked hanging around the girls.   I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls.   I remember constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.   

I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different.   I often wondered if I was gay.

I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known.   I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia.  I eventually suppressed my feminine side.

My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week.   And I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life.  Well 50 years later, I have achieved a great family, career and have a great spouse, who I envied (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.   

Now that my life goals are achieved and my children don't need me as much, and I at mid life, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender.   I have always wondered who I am and why I was different.    I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out, hated my body hair and started to do laser, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation.   It was like lightning struck me. 

My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of who I am.  I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how to handle and mange my life.  On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted.   My spouse knows and is supportive so far. 

Lots to figure out.  I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.

I can understand a bit of what you're going thru.  Interesting trying to figure out such a thing.   My experience is doing what feels right has been good for me.

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[alex82]

Since 4 or so it's been buzzing in my head.

What goes on now, post everything, is peace. It does not take away from work stress or personal stress, but just peace. There's no feeling of being trapped anymore. No associated panic attacks.

I love my family, I love my flat, I enjoy the feedback from those who see it. I love my wardrobe it's a walk in room off my bedroom), and my work. My friends are fantastic. I love my son who is perfect in every way (and I'm sorry, but I don't want him to be trans or even gay, I want him to have a happy straight uncomplicated life. I don't want his path through life to resemble mine, I want him to have every security and sense of self. I don't wish for him to be any part of a striving minority, or to waste time questioning himself, although if he is then clearly I'll support him).

I love my lovely partner and I think he's sexy as hell, with an amazing laugh and sense of the absurd. And boy does he scrub up well. His kindness blows my mind. For once I've chosen kind over exciting, and the upside is he's also hot. Yes exciting in his own way, but probably in a healthier way than I've been with in the past.

Politically, socially, emotionally - no changes. I am who I've always been.

[Thadrea]

I never really felt I belonged as a boy, but it wasn't until around 10-11 or so that I started actively wishing/thinking I was a girl. The possibility that I could be a girl was not something that really occurred to me before that.