Karen...my journey

[Karen]

Hi everyone.   Here is my introduction and story, finally. 

I have been on an intense 7 month journey with my spouse, 2 best friends and a few therapists..2 are heavy DSM 5 users, which has hurt my confidence and crested stress.   Now in a good place of acceptance and moving forward slowly.  Hear is my story.   

As a kid, very early, I never felt like I fit in or belonged.  I did not like guy sports or aggressive behaviour.   I liked hanging around the girls.   I remember wanting to be a girl and like the girls.   I remember dressing up at as early as 4 or 5, and constantly going through my mom and sisters things and wearing their clothes....putting a bra on and going out to play in my sand box.   

I developed a few guy friends that were gentler, deeper and different.   I often wondered if I was gay.

I grew up with a high level of emotional sensitivity and emphaty, not like guys I have known.   I also grew up struggling in school feeling different, and likely with a learning disability, like dyslexia.  I eventually suppressed my feminine side.

My family was relatively poor and worked 7 days a week.  Feeling laughed at and picked on, I begrudged teachers, kids and my parents...I became determined to prove them all I was good enough and could be successful with an amazing life.   All the while, cross dressing in private for short periods, feeling shame and guilt.  And then pushing her to the back of the closet and refocusing on my goals to be good enough and prove myself.

  Well 50 years later, I have amazing kids, a very good career and a great spouse, who I loved and envied from the time we first met (I know realize in hindsight). The problem is the suppressed feminine me has been there constantly, beneath the surface and peaking out more and more...when I idolized and wanted to be like women I would meet, when I would dream and think constantly about ways to get away with wearing women's clothes, let my sensitive side out periodically, cross dress for brief periods.   

Now that I have hit mid life, my parents have passed and my children don't need me as much, I have found myself on a 2 year journey and nagging feeling about my gender.   I have always wondered who I am and why I was different.    I started reading about gender when the national geographic came out...GenderRevolution...I hated my body hair and started to do laser last Spring, lost my mom and last parent....and 7 months ago, had a gay friend explain transgender to me...and the difference between gender and sexual orientation.   It was like lightning struck me. 

My life has been upside down for the last 7 months as I relive and make sense of my life.  I now believe and accept I am transgender, and am making small steps forward while figuring out how far to transition and mange my life.  On one hand it feels great and like I finally have an answer, and on the other scary and uncharted.   My spouse knows and on one hand, is very supportive so far, and on the other, does not want to see me or be with me as a woman.  It hurts, but I respect her wishes.

My challenge is cork is off the bottle, and I can't and don't want to put it back on. 

Lots to figure out.  I hope this helps, and anyone please challenge me if you think my diagnosis is flawed.   

Thanks for being here. 

Karen

[Donna]

Welcome and hold on tight to enjoy the journey you are embarking on. It's going to be great.

[Northern Star Girl]

Hello Karen... I see that you were already welcomed to Susan's Place by KathyLauren and myself on another thread you initiated back on March 20th: 
   "Toronto"  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235629.msg2111581.html#msg2111581

   I am very pleased that you came to the Introductions Forum to let other members here know of your new membership at Susan's Place.

Now that you are visible as a new member you will find other members here that will be able to read your most interesting and detailed introduction post will likely start to exchange more post replies with you as you post in the Forums in topics of your choosing. 

When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. You might even find that you will make some new friends here.  Please come in and get involved at your own pace
.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

[Karen]

Thanks

I mentioned in my intro I have had a few therapists.  I have actually had 3, my wife has one, and we are looking for a couples therapist with strong transgender experience.   I personally have been running 2 therapists - one supportive and helping me work through my childhood and emotions.  She is not a transgender expert, and has been amazing and the most accepting person in my life...apart from all of you. 

The second...the first transgender expert...was initially supportive and then pulled out DSM 5, siting transvestic disorder and autogyaphellia.  This triggered a lot of stress and feelings of rejection and judgment.   I challenged her and told her I did not agree with her assessment.  She repeated her assessment and told me to stop reading and thinking about being transgender.  As if...   We parted ways, and I was referred to a couple other TG experts, and have picked one to work with for a while. 

This new TG expert has very well known and has had some controversy surrounding them...  I think I picked them because of there depth and history, and a reputation for deep and analytical.  I have now spent almost 5 hours with him, and have done about 6 tests / surveys.  He is now talking to my wife's therapist, and plan to meet to discuss his findings and recommendations next week end.   He has been incredibly objective and thorough, and I know he knows TG. 

Regardless of his assesssment, this last 3 months have been stressful and my dysphoria has grown.  It has served to cause me to dig deep into myself and identify with who I am.  I know I am Transgender and know I am transition, and I know what feels good and what my desires are.  Exactly how far this goes, time will tell...and I am more able to see it and take it for the journey it is. 

Stay tuned and thanks for being here.  Always love and appreciate shared experience and advice. 

Karen.

[Donna]

I wouldn't be going to anyone that pulls out a diagnosis play book. Therapist should listen and feel what you are going thru. My therapist is also a trans woman and with all her experiences she classified me as unique. Some one opening a book would have had me committed but I am the happiest I've ever been.
I started on a med for something completely unrelated and ended up here in a relatively short time. I love the fact that my therapist live what she work

[Karen]

I wouldn't be going to anyone that pulls out a diagnosis play book. Therapist should listen and feel what you are going thru. My therapist is also a trans woman and with all her experiences she classified me as unique. Some one opening a book would have had me committed but I am the happiest I've ever been.
I started on a med for something completely unrelated and ended up here in a relatively short time. I love the fact that my therapist live what she work

Thanks for sharing.   Your therapist sounds great.   Congrats on your journey and on the place you are now in!   

The next couple of weeks will tell if this therapist is right for me. 

Karen

[Karen]

Hi everyone. 

The last couple of days have been eventful. 

Last night I sent my sister, a big and important emotional support for me, 2 pictures of me...one this avatar and two a real me.  She replied "beautiful" and with love and support.  Omg how important is love and support ?

Today I had an annual get together with 2 dear friends and mentors.   After consulting my wife, who encouraged me to tell them,  I told them my story...3 hours later and many tears....and they were incredibly supportive and loving.  They offered regular support calls, and unconditional love and support.  We committed to living life to its fullest and support through the journey.   Who can ask for more? 

A really good day.  Feeling great and connected to me, my real self in ways I never dreamt. 

Thank you all for your encouragement and inspiration.

Karen.

[Donna]

Very nice and a great day. I am truly amazed at the support. I've never been hugged by more friends and acquaintances in my life. All women BTW.
It really makes me believe in the good in people.

[bobbisue]

     Karen congratulations on discovering your real self and finding such support it seems you have formed a solid foundation for your transition this can really help as it tends to be a wild ride at times as for your wife give her time as much as she needs mine has been dealing with this for three years and is just starting to come to terms with it

     Bobbisue

[Karen]

Very nice and a great day. I am truly amazed at the support. I've never been hugged by more friends and acquaintances in my life. All women BTW.
It really makes me believe in the good in people.

Thanks Donna

It is amazing and feels good.  I do worry a bit about what happens after the initial emotion wears off, and they try to understand TG, or empathize with dysphoria and depression.   It is hard to understand or relate to something this uncommon.  I think I am going to provide some reading to them?

Karen

[Karen]

     Karen congratulations on discovering your real self and finding such support it seems you have formed a solid foundation for your transition this can really help as it tends to be a wild ride at times as for your wife give her time as much as she needs mine has been dealing with this for three years and is just starting to come to terms with it

     Bobbisue

Thanks Bobbisue

I appreciate your thoughts and support.  As I have posted before, my wife has been in shock and dealing with this hard.  And it's triggered a lot of distress and depression in me.   She surprised me yesterday...I think she knew I needed to tell these two friends and I think she is beginning to acknowledge this is very real and growing within me.   We have talked a bit more lately and held each other lots too.   Time will tell...and it's good to have some good days.  It's good to feel love and care. 

Hugs. 

Karen

[Jayne01]

Thanks Bobbisue

I appreciate your thoughts and support.  As I have posted before, my wife has been in shock and dealing with this hard.  And it's triggered a lot of distress and depression in me.   She surprised me yesterday...I think she knew I needed to tell these two friends and I think she is beginning to acknowledge this is very real and growing within me.   We have talked a bit more lately and held each other lots too.   Time will tell...and it's good to have some good days.  It's good to feel love and care. 

Hugs. 

Karen

Hi Karen,

I am just catching up on your thread. It's a huge shock to our wives when we come out to them, especially if there were never any prior signs. It is understandable that she would be hit quite hard with all of this. Be very patient with her and support her as much as you can. She will need it. I have leaned very heavily on my wife when I first came out to her. I put her under tremendous stress. I was a complete wreck, barely able to function at all. My wife put all her own issues aside to be there for me and support me through my darkest moments. I now see how unfair I was being to her. I did not give her adequate opportunity to process the news I had dumped on her.

Keep communicating with each other. I can't stress how important that is. It's good to hear that you are both working through this. Many couples manage to work through the stress and stay happily together even after one partner transitions.

I wish you well in your journey and look forward to hearing about your progress.

Jayne

[Karen]

Hi Karen,

I am just catching up on your thread. It's a huge shock to our wives when we come out to them, especially if there were never any prior signs. It is understandable that she would be hit quite hard with all of this. Be very patient with her and support her as much as you can. She will need it. I have leaned very heavily on my wife when I first came out to her. I put her under tremendous stress. I was a complete wreck, barely able to function at all. My wife put all her own issues aside to be there for me and support me through my darkest moments. I now see how unfair I was being to her. I did not give her adequate opportunity to process the news I had dumped on her.

Keep communicating with each other. I can't stress how important that is. It's good to hear that you are both working through this. Many couples manage to work through the stress and stay happily together even after one partner transitions.

I wish you well in your journey and look forward to hearing about your progress.

Jayne

Thank you again Jayne

I really appreciate your sharing and encouragement. 

I have put my wife under tremendous stress over the last 9 months.   While it has been hard for both of us, the fact is she has remained supportive in ways I don't think I could have if I was in her shoes.   We are now working very hard to be loving, close and warm, and open with each other.   She is needing the love and care as much as I do....and at times more than me.  My life is becoming clearer, while hers is becoming less so. 

Thank you again

Karen

[Jayne01]

It's a tough journey. Nobody ever chooses to be trans. We do the best we can. Hopefully with time, your wife's path will also become clearer to her and be a path you both travel together. The hardest thing I found is that no matter how excruciatingly slow my transition progress sometimes feels, it is still moving at lightning speed for my wife. I often need to remind myself of that when I feel like I am making no progress. I would rather progress at a snail pace with my wife by my side than go at a faster pace and end up leaving her behind and possibly losing her.

You are both getting therapy which is a good thing. It may also be helpful to see a therapist together from time to time to help keep you both on the same page.

Jayne

[Karen]

Hi everyone. 

What a day.  I had my therapist meeting today.  I was recommended a therapist, who is a tough leader in this  space.    Here's my update, after 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 assessments. 

- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level

Recommended

- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant
- And see how it goes. 

Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 

Any and all advice and love welcome.

Thank you all.  I feel more welcome and understood hear than almost anywhere right now.

Lots of hugs to you

Karen

[Northern Star Girl]

Hi everyone. 
What a day.  I had my therapist meeting today.  I was recommended a therapist, who is a tough leader in this  space.    Here's my update, after 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 assessments. 
- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level
Recommended
- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant
- And see how it goes. 
Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 
Any and all advice and love welcome.
Thank you all.  I feel more welcome and understood hear than almost anywhere right now.
Lots of hugs to you
Karen

Dear Karen: I am thinking that congratulations are definitely in order but as I review this post and review your entire thread, I know, as you certainly do, that you have quite a journey ahead of you.

Obviously your therapist's assessment of you as a result of your meetings: 
..... severe Dysphoria and a high Anxiety level can be your undoing unless you can get more help and counseling and are able to address those issues plus the other 5 assessments that your therapist told you about.   Certainly I would think that the joint meeting with you wife would perhaps be at the top of the list but of course all of those assessments are important to your mental and physical well-being.

YES indeed, you should feel validated and being scared is certainly an understandable thing for you given the information telling us about in your entire thread.

Advice???  I would be foolish to give you any advice other than continuing your talks with your therapist and eventually with your doctor.... and following their advice.

YES indeed, Susan's Place is a very welcome, good, friendly and helpful place for you to be in.  Many members here are in, or have been in your shoes and can share with you as you share with them on the various Forums.

.... and, PLEASE, not to worry, we all love you here and offer our understanding and support to you.
Best wishes as always... please keep your updates coming.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

[Jayne01]

Hi everyone. 

What a day.  I had my therapist meeting today.  I was recommended a therapist, who is a tough leader in this  space.    Here's my update, after 5 hours of interviewing and about 7 assessments. 

- severe case of gender Dysphoria
- at the 97 th percentile of anxiety level

Recommended

- joint meeting with my wife, which I agree
- more talk therapy and or
- testosterone blocker and
- anti depressant
- And see how it goes. 

Don't know what to feel...validated, wanting to be me more than ever, are really scared. 

Any and all advice and love welcome.

Thank you all.  I feel more welcome and understood hear than almost anywhere right now.

Lots of hugs to you

Karen

Hi Karen,
I have to say, a good outcome with your therapist in the sense that you have answers to some of your questions. From my own personal experience, my anxiety was brought down to a more manageable level as I started to understand more about who I am. The worst part for me was not knowing what was "wrong" with me. Once I figured myself out, I was able to start taking steps to deal with the dysphoria.

A joint meeting with your wife would be very good. My wife comes along to some of my therapy sessions and we find it very helpful to both be there together. Our wives have just as much to deal with as we do. If there is good communication then there is a good chance for the marriage to survive and thrive.

Also, keep up the therapy for yourself. It will help you through many of the challenges yet to surface. It is a tough road we travel. So many things seem new and foreign but also feel so very right. One of the things I learnt in therapy was to understand and trust my emotions. Prior to that, I thought "emotion" was a swear word.

It sounds like you are much further along in understanding yourself than I was when I started this journey. I hope that means you will have an easier time than I did.

Validated, scared! Yep, those two things seem to come as a package deal. On one hand you want to be your true self more than anything and on the other hand you are scared to death to become your true self. The fear is natural and expected. I am still learning to get past some of my fears but I have also come a long way from where I used to be. It is a long, hard road which can bring incredible rewards. Try and enjoy the journey as much as possible. Break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. This will help reduce the fear and anxiety and it will also give you small rewards along the way as you reach each milestone.

You are among friends here at Susan's. People here have a unique understanding of the challenges we face, as only another trans person can.

Hug,

Jayne

[Karen]

Dear Karen: I am thinking that congratulations are definitely in order but as I review this post and review your entire thread, I know, as you certainly do, that you have quite a journey ahead of you.

Obviously your therapist's assessment of you as a result of your meetings: 
..... severe Dysphoria and a high Anxiety level can be your undoing unless you can get more help and counseling and are able to address those issues plus the other 5 assessments that your therapist told you about.   Certainly I would think that the joint meeting with you wife would perhaps be at the top of the list but of course all of those assessments are important to your mental and physical well-being.

YES indeed, you should feel validated and being scared is certainly an understandable thing for you given the information telling us about in your entire thread.

Advice???  I would be foolish to give you any advice other than continuing your talks with your therapist and eventually with your doctor.... and following their advice.

YES indeed, Susan's Place is a very welcome, good, friendly and helpful place for you to be in.  Many members here are in, or have been in your shoes and can share with you as you share with them on the various Forums.

.... and, PLEASE, not to worry, we all love you here and offer our understanding and support to you.
Best wishes as always... please keep your updates coming.
Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Thanks Danielle.  Your care and encouragement, and everyone's, is so appreciate.   I am better today...feeling more in control and positive in who I am.   One day at a time.

Thank you

Karen

[Karen]

Hi Karen,
I have to say, a good outcome with your therapist in the sense that you have answers to some of your questions. From my own personal experience, my anxiety was brought down to a more manageable level as I started to understand more about who I am. The worst part for me was not knowing what was "wrong" with me. Once I figured myself out, I was able to start taking steps to deal with the dysphoria.

A joint meeting with your wife would be very good. My wife comes along to some of my therapy sessions and we find it very helpful to both be there together. Our wives have just as much to deal with as we do. If there is good communication then there is a good chance for the marriage to survive and thrive.

Also, keep up the therapy for yourself. It will help you through many of the challenges yet to surface. It is a tough road we travel. So many things seem new and foreign but also feel so very right. One of the things I learnt in therapy was to understand and trust my emotions. Prior to that, I thought "emotion" was a swear word.

It sounds like you are much further along in understanding yourself than I was when I started this journey. I hope that means you will have an easier time than I did.

Validated, scared! Yep, those two things seem to come as a package deal. On one hand you want to be your true self more than anything and on the other hand you are scared to death to become your true self. The fear is natural and expected. I am still learning to get past some of my fears but I have also come a long way from where I used to be. It is a long, hard road which can bring incredible rewards. Try and enjoy the journey as much as possible. Break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. This will help reduce the fear and anxiety and it will also give you small rewards along the way as you reach each milestone.

You are among friends here at Susan's. People here have a unique understanding of the challenges we face, as only another trans person can.

Hug,

Jayne

Thanks Jayne.  I appreciate your thoughts and openness.   You are all so supportive and it is making a big difference for me. 

I am much better today.   Feeling more in control of how this unfolds, more loving and supportive of my wife and her journey, and feeling closer to "me".   

My wife is away and comes home tonight.   Looking forward to going on a long walk with her. 

Thank you.  Karen

[bobbisue]

     Hi Karen it sounds like you have made some big steps accepting yourself is one of the biggest that acceptance has helped me through some really hard times there lies a long road ahead while difficult at times it truly is the most wonderful journey you can take

     Bobbisue