Transgender Dating

christinej78 · March 25, 2018, 05:08:41 AM

Being a novice transgender woman and having many things to learn and experience, I am curious about dating.

Who do we date?

All my best; thanks,

Christine

Dani · March 25, 2018, 05:25:54 AM

Be careful when dating someone you do not know. Some men get violent if they can't handle knowing about our physical status, especially after having been intimate. If you are in a relationship, then tell them as soon as the steady relationship starts. Do not delay or put off this important detail. Many men may casually be OK with transwomen, but get upset with physical contact.

Above all else, do not get picked up at any public place that serves alcohol.

Be safe, use caution and common sense.

KathyLauren · March 25, 2018, 07:25:08 AM

I was married and out of the dating pool before I transitioned, so dating is not on my radar. But here are some thoughts:

As you transition, you may find that your attractions change. Someone who might have been bisexual but repressed one side of it prior to transition might find themselves opening up to the other sex. So someone who was attracted to women might find themselves attracted to men after transition.

Or not. Many people know that they are attracted to men only or women only and that that doesn't change through transition. I am only attracted to women, so I went from being (apparently) a straight male to a lesbian female.

There is no right or wrong in whom you are attracted to.

Be really careful! People should be careful when dating anyway, but while transitioning, and as a trans woman, you will need to be extra careful. Some people will want to pick you up for all the wrong reasons. If your presentation is good and you are pre-op, some men might pick you up expecting one thing and get a shock when they find something else. Trans-panic is accepted as a murder defence in every state in the US. Please don't become a statistic.

HRT will make you have the emotions of a 14-year-old girl. Your judgement might not be the best. You will need to access your adult brain to double check what your emotions are telling you.

If I had been single when I started my transition, I think I would have put dating on hold until I was stable in my new identity for a while. Transitioning is a huge project, and parts of it, especially the social parts, can be dangerous. I would not have wanted any distractions from transitioning.

Megan. · March 25, 2018, 07:31:43 AM

I certainly went through distinct phases in understanding my attraction to both men and women. OKCupid has some of the most inclusive gender and sexuality labels which can help you be clear from the start what you are and who you like. Otherwise, all the same old avenues exist, social groups can be a source of romance, the supermarket aisle, and even a bar; but keep safe. X

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Julia1996 · March 25, 2018, 09:08:02 AM

Who we date depends entirely on the individual and her attractions and desires. I have no experience with dating women so I can't offer anything about that but as for dating guys it will depend on your own preferences. I have a boyfriend so I don't date but my preferences are a guy who identifies as straight and who is masculine. It's also important that he have no interest in my boy parts and that he has no desire to touch or mess with them. There are guys who are interested in trans women specifically because of their male parts. Those guys are called ->-bleeped-<-s by the trans community. The are interested in interacting with a trans woman's male parts and even like for her to use them on him. Then also there are guys who are bisexual and consider a trans woman " the best of both worlds". And there are bi curious or " heteroflexible " guys who want to " try out" having sex with a trans woman. And finally there are guys like my boyfriend who were not seeking a transwoman and who aren't attracted to us because we are trans but who can accept the fact we are.

Those are the types of guys I know about. There is no right or wrong when it comes to dating. It's all about what you want and what you're comfortable with. I will advise you to be careful with any guy when you first meet him. Guys can be extremely unpredictable when they find out a woman is trans. Always put your safety first. Second, protect yourself emotionally. Some guys are dicks and want a walk on the wild side and will use you as an experiment and then you will never hear from him again afterwards. Other guys will want you for booty calls but never want to be seen with you in public and won't want anyone to know he's having sex with you and will even flat out deny it if he's confronted about it by anyone. There are a lot of ->-bleeped-<-s out there but there are also guys who are really sweet. You just have to be careful and use good judgment.

Northern Star Girl · March 25, 2018, 09:25:05 AM

snipped:

Quote from: KathyLauren on March 25, 2018, 07:25:08 AM
- - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - -
Be really careful! People should be careful when dating anyway, but while transitioning, and as a trans woman, you will need to be extra careful. Some people will want to pick you up for all the wrong reasons. If your presentation is good and you are pre-op, some men might pick you up expecting one thing and get a shock when they find something else. Trans-panic is accepted as a murder defence in every state in the US. Please don't become a statistic.

HRT will make you have the emotions of a 14-year-old girl. Your judgement might not be the best. You will need to access your adult brain to double check what your emotions are telling you.

If I had been single when I started my transition, I think I would have put dating on hold until I was stable in my new identity for a while. Transitioning is a huge project, and parts of it, especially the social parts, can be dangerous. I would not have wanted any distractions from transitioning.

@ KathyLauren: What you stated is right on. Thank you for posting that.
Personal SAFETY for a trans has different sets of rules in some cases.

The thing that all of us transitioners have to face when dating is how and when do we tell the man or woman that we are dating that we are a trans. In my opinion, since I have been unquestionably passing and no one that I come across has any idea that I am not a female, I need to reveal my "secret" to my date as soon as it starts becoming more than a casual relationship. That is a scary thing for me to do but it is only FAIR to the person I am dating. As far as friendships and acquaintances this is somewhat less urgent in my opinion... but at some point the truth will come out... and I would rather be the one telling someone personally instead of them finding it our via the grapevine or water cooler gossip.
Danielle

natalie.ashlyne · March 25, 2018, 09:29:11 AM

I have a few dating apps and I have learned no matter how many times you put the words Transfemale in the profile guys do not always read your profile. That I learned, Just as everyone said be careful I wish I could help more but I am still figuring this out myself.

Corrina · March 25, 2018, 10:04:23 AM

I myself don't want to date until my transition is complete. So I have a long way to go. I have thought about this and would prefer a straight male. I have even thought about marriage. But again that's on down the road. My heart and mind might change after I am finished with MTF surgery and all. I get my doubts but I'm in this for my sanity and happiness.

MirandaLove · March 25, 2018, 11:21:12 AM

I never really "dated" pre-transition. My partners were found in circles of friends or coworkers and sort of moved into intimacy rather naturally. Now in my forties, I'm competely at a loss and apparently the expectation is to be upfront about having a relationship with the intention of intimacy (i.e. Dating) vs. hitting on your friends! (Bad mojo). I've heard it said about HRT reducing us to the emotional ups and downs of an adolescent and I think I had (and maybe still) an immature approach to dating and sex in general. I only say this because it was NOT something I anticipated. I was running around like teenager, concerned about gossip, reputation and stupid things that most adults my age have long abandoned.

Another unexpected thing is that I crave physical intimacy but find that I'm not as motivated to seek it out. Hormones I guess.

My best advice is to develop a solid community of support and friends before getting too caught up in dating, especially online. Once you have that support, it is much easier to process feelings and get perspective.

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Lady Sarah · March 25, 2018, 06:51:55 PM

I dated several men, and found my husband, on dating sites. I always made sure I put my status. Furthermore, I left an instruction with a key word to include in a first message. If that key word was not mentioned, I would not reply, as I knew they didn't bother to read my profile. Those that do not read profiles tend to just want to bang you, so they don't care about you, your interests, or anything else. Nothing good can come of dating guys like that.

christinej78 · March 25, 2018, 09:39:54 PM

Quote from: Lady Sarah on March 25, 2018, 06:51:55 PM
I dated several men, and found my husband, on dating sites. I always made sure I put my status. Furthermore, I left an instruction with a key word to include in a first message. If that key word was not mentioned, I would not reply, as I knew they didn't bother to read my profile. Those that do not read profiles tend to just want to bang you, so they don't care about you, your interests, or anything else. Nothing good can come of dating guys like that.

It sounds like you have it together and are one very intelligent young woman. Best wishes to you and your husband, he's a lucky guy and you are a lucky lady.

Best always,

Christine

Ely-chan · March 25, 2018, 09:51:00 PM

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 25, 2018, 09:08:02 AM
Who we date depends entirely on the individual and her attractions and desires. I have no experience with dating women so I can't offer anything about that but as for dating guys it will depend on your own preferences. I have a boyfriend so I don't date but my preferences are a guy who identifies as straight and who is masculine. It's also important that he have no interest in my boy parts and that he has no desire to touch or mess with them. There are guys who are interested in trans women specifically because of their male parts. Those guys are called ->-bleeped-<-s by the trans community. The are interested in interacting with a trans woman's male parts and even like for her to use them on him. Then also there are guys who are bisexual and consider a trans woman " the best of both worlds". And there are bi curious or " heteroflexible " guys who want to " try out" having sex with a trans woman. And finally there are guys like my boyfriend who were not seeking a transwoman and who aren't attracted to us because we are trans but who can accept the fact we are.

Those are the types of guys I know about. There is no right or wrong when it comes to dating. It's all about what you want and what you're comfortable with. I will advise you to be careful with any guy when you first meet him. Guys can be extremely unpredictable when they find out a woman is trans. Always put your safety first. Second, protect yourself emotionally. Some guys are dicks and want a walk on the wild side and will use you as an experiment and then you will never hear from him again afterwards. Other guys will want you for booty calls but never want to be seen with you in public and won't want anyone to know he's having sex with you and will even flat out deny it if he's confronted about it by anyone. There are a lot of ->-bleeped-<-s out there but there are also guys who are really sweet. You just have to be careful and use good judgment.

I love your comment

I want date with boy in a future so this is really helpful, thanks

Lady Sarah · March 25, 2018, 09:53:27 PM

Quote from: christinej78 on March 25, 2018, 09:39:54 PM
It sounds like you have it together and are one very intelligent young woman. Best wishes to you and your husband, he's a lucky guy and you are a lucky lady.

Best always,

Christine

You made my day. You called me "young". I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

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Cassi · March 25, 2018, 10:08:38 PM

Quote from: Julia1996 on March 25, 2018, 09:08:02 AM
Who we date depends entirely on the individual and her attractions and desires. I have no experience with dating women so I can't offer anything about that but as for dating guys it will depend on your own preferences. I have a boyfriend so I don't date but my preferences are a guy who identifies as straight and who is masculine. It's also important that he have no interest in my boy parts and that he has no desire to touch or mess with them. There are guys who are interested in trans women specifically because of their male parts. Those guys are called ->-bleeped-<-s by the trans community. The are interested in interacting with a trans woman's male parts and even like for her to use them on him. Then also there are guys who are bisexual and consider a trans woman " the best of both worlds". And there are bi curious or " heteroflexible " guys who want to " try out" having sex with a trans woman. And finally there are guys like my boyfriend who were not seeking a transwoman and who aren't attracted to us because we are trans but who can accept the fact we are.

Those are the types of guys I know about. There is no right or wrong when it comes to dating. It's all about what you want and what you're comfortable with. I will advise you to be careful with any guy when you first meet him. Guys can be extremely unpredictable when they find out a woman is trans. Always put your safety first. Second, protect yourself emotionally. Some guys are dicks and want a walk on the wild side and will use you as an experiment and then you will never hear from him again afterwards. Other guys will want you for booty calls but never want to be seen with you in public and won't want anyone to know he's having sex with you and will even flat out deny it if he's confronted about it by anyone. There are a lot of ->-bleeped-<-s out there but there are also guys who are really sweet. You just have to be careful and use good judgment.

Sometimes you surprise me with your intelligence Munchkin!

christinej78 · March 25, 2018, 10:11:09 PM

Quote from: Lady Sarah on March 25, 2018, 09:53:27 PM
You made my day. You called me "young". I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.

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Thank you; you also made my day. When I saw this: "I love my hubby" I knew you were the "Real Deal"

Take care young lady,

Christine

pamelatransuk · March 26, 2018, 07:34:18 AM

Hello Christine

My simple advice on dating would be to do what seems right to you.

I started therapy last year and HRT recently and I have been mainly asexual all my life with a small romantic attachment to women. I am told romantic interest may or may not change on HRT. I expect to remain asexual but to gain more female friends and acquaintances but I do not completely rule out a lesbian relationship forever.

I agree with Kathy and definitely do not wish to consider dating while in transition as transitioning is a full time project and hence no time or need for distractions.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey and on dating if you choose the latter path.

Pamela

RobynD · March 26, 2018, 12:08:36 PM

I'm not someone that does very well on their own. Once it became clear that my spouse and I were separating i put immediate effort into dating, I'm poly too so that is one factor. I have two people that two people considered as partners now and they even like each other

Agree that it is entirely on your own preferences.

christinej78 · March 28, 2018, 10:36:20 AM

Thanks for all the great advice; I know I won't think about dating until I have finished transitioning, That said my thinking has been along the lines of Kathy and Pamela. Another big factor is my age.

A comment I made in another post went something like this:

If I were to come back as a female and know what I know now, I would be a lesbian. I know the things I have done, which I cannot justify or rectify. One day I will post the story but first I want to finish my transition.

Yesterday, Tuesday 27 March 2018 @ 1600 hrs CDT I started HRT sans AA's. I located a fantastic endocrinologist just last Friday; she is willing to help us. I struck gold. I'll explain more in another thread where I chronicle my journey to being who I have always wanted to be.

One last item: I'm in Texas and live in the Fort Worth / Dallas Metroplex.

Thank you all so much, love to you all.

Christine

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Transgender Dating