Hi

[IrishChloe]

Hi all,
I'm Chloe, I've spent a long time on these boards and found a lot of very helpful advice and finally decided to make an account.

Now a little about me, I've only accepted being trans within the last two years but I see now it's who I've always been. As a child I enjoyed wearing my sisters clothes and using my mothers makeup. I thought nothing of this, it wasn't weird or wrong, it was normal and I was happy.
Then I went to an all boys school and realised I wasn't like the other boys, I didn't really understand why but I knew I didn't fit in. I learned quickly to hide those parts of myself that made me different. The following 8 years were an unending nightmare of bully's and beatings.

Eventually my family moved to another town and another school. By this time I was accomplished at blending into the background, I wasn't popular but as long as I didn't draw attention to my differences I was pretty much left alone.

At this time I was dressing regularly and fantasising about being female, I told myself I was a cross-dresser and that it was a sexual thing. I was afraid of it being something more. After a while I would convince myself that what I was doing was wrong and disgusting and that there must be something wrong with me. I was terrified that if anyone found out what I was doing I'd be rejected, even hated and that fear would make me stop dressing and I'd dump all my clothes and work at being "normal" like everyone else. But it never lasted, I couldn't force myself to change such deep needs.

This went on for years through depression and drug addiction until I reached a point where I was on the verge of killing myself. A change had to be made.
I quit taking drugs, moved house again, got a job and eventually a therapist that helped me work through everything, and she suggested I stop lurking on these boards and join in.

I'm now on a waiting list for hormones, with good support from family and friends and life is progressing well and I'm looking forward to getting to know you all.

Bit of a rambling post but it felt good to write all that

Chloe

[emma-f]

Hi Chloe and welcome. If ever I can be of help drop me a message

Em x

[Eryn T]

Thank you for sharing, and welcome to the board, Chloe!

I agree with your therapist, I think having a support network is maybe not required, but IMMENSELY helpful to a successful transition/journey!

It's so much better not only getting to read others' experiences, but to share your own, and have them actually interacting with you, too! I find it very therapeutic and fun!

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through as school.  I actually used to be a bully in elementary school, but that doesn't mean I can justify the actions of the bullies you've encountered in your life.  I also just wanted to say that, while I never cross-dressed until recently(and I STILL can't do my own makeup *cry*) I can relate to feeling like it was just a sexual thing and being drawn to the perverse nature of being something that I'm not 'supposed' to be. 

I am so glad you've decided to finally join Susans!  And I look forward to interacting with you in the future! So many helpful ladies (and gentlemen) on here, and now you can actually get feedback, too! *hugs*

Much love,
Eryn

[Shambles]

Welcome )

[steph2.0]

Hello Chloe, and thanks for creating an account and joining in after all those years. Your story is very familiar to a lot of people here, myself included. As I'm sure you've seen, everyone here is really helpful and understanding, and will be glad to help you as you find your way forward.

As an official greeter, I've included links that describe how Susan's Place works and will probably answer any questions you have. Considering how long you've been lurking, you may have seen them before, but you may find them helpful anyway.

Thanks again for officially becoming part of the best place on the internet for us!

Stephanie

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[IrishChloe]

Thanks for all the welcomes

[V M]

Hi Chloe 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[PollyQMcLovely]

Welcome Chloe! I too had a drug problem and fantasized about suicide but as soon as I decided to transition those problems became easy to tackle because I didn't have to destroy myself to sleep at night and I suddenly had so much to look forward to

[IrishChloe]

Yeah knowing that one day I'll transition fully makes everything easier to deal with and gives me something to work towards. Every step forward makes life better

[Sabrina99]

Yeah knowing that one day I'll transition fully makes everything easier to deal with and gives me something to work towards. Every step forward makes life better

Welcome, Chloe.  It can be hard realizing you are not what either society or your body seems to imply.