Ever had a sudden crisis of confidence?

[Christine_Hart]

The sort of thing when you suddenly think 'Who am I kidding?' or 'What the hell am I doing?'

Mine cropped up three or four weeks ago when I took part in a project about diversity being done by a member of an LGBT photography group.

Sometimes when you do your own selfies you take it for granted what you look like, especially when you get used to a certain pose or smile. However, when I saw the ones the photographer had done I was horrified. It wasn't that they were bad photos, it's just that when you suddenly see yourself from a different angle you think 'Oh my god, is that what I really look like?'

I know the whole thing sounds really vain but I've been in a bit of rut since then. It's like you suddenly realise that maybe you don't look as good as you thought you did. Confidence has been hit for six.

Christine

[SailorMars1994]

It happens and for me it can be horrific. So much so that if I don't get back to my zen zone or peace of mind I will become insomnic, fearful,etc.  Thankfully I am more able to see a girl then ever before!

[Jessica]

I will get WTH moments occasionally.  Not sure what triggers them.  I think sometimes when I am in male mode for too long, it sets of questions again for my own self to ponder.  Lasts only shortly until after I realize all the gains I've gotten and how much I'd lose.

[KathyLauren]

I think we all get those from time to time.  Fortunately, mine have been getting less frequent.  If I think about what it would be like going back, I come to my senses pretty quickly.  (*shudder*)  But, yes the thought arises once in a while.

[TonyaW]

More of "I'm never going to be right" feeling rather than a "who am I kidding" or "what the he'll am I doing".

Haven't figured out any specific trigger yet. 


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[Megan.]

They pop up for me time-to-time, but increasingly less so, and with less impact. If we choose to transition it is often a life altering change, so even a 'what if...' pondering is valid, as with any big decisions in life. X

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[Allison S]

Body hair really bothers me and I'm fearful it'll leave scars on my chest. Other things too I always go on about (nose, brow bossing), it just makes me feel down. They're reminds of before and after, if I let myself go...it's just scary

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[Laurel D]

It's happened even with pictures I have taken myself..... Even worse they are taken by others. 


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[RobynTx]

All the time.  I just have to remember that it doesn't really matter what I look like just as long as I'm happy with who I am now.

[Daniellekai]

Not trying to be Debbie downer here, but that's real, the most faithful thing is going to be the mirror, but obviously you can only see so many angles on that. Selfies are taken at a set distance, and again, only certain angles are possible... IMO it's harder to make myself look good in a selfie... I've taken to taking pictures of the mirror... But that's obviously going to be an individual thing.

[FinallyMichelle]

Yes.

I have the hips and breasts and all of the girl stuff. Everybody treats me normal and nice, I get complacent, like I am just like everyone else.

Then I see a photo of me or catch a quick glance in a store mirror or see myself on a monitor in a store or something. It makes me sick and I just want to hide, it takes days sometimes to get past it. I don't think I see myself the way other people see me and I don't think that I ever will. It doesn't matter what anyone says, I know what I see.

For forty plus years I did not care even a little. Now I care very much. It is beginning to be better for me. Probably helps that more and more I feel like a guy eye magnet. It freaked me out for the longest time, like everyone was clocking me but no is treating me bad in any way, quite the opposite. It feels like the world is going mad when I see myself and want to cry. Like what is wrong with them? Can't they see how hideous I am?

I think we have to let that go, feeling that way. It hurts soooooo bad and we are the only ones seeing anything out of the ordinary anyway. The rest of the world doesn't even notice, so what's the point. I hate how I look but I am tired of crying and aching and I think that guys only see hair and boobs anyway. I have no clue but if you figure out how to deal with that please let me know.

[Pam]

I whole heartedly agree with Robyn, "it doesn't really matter what I look like just as long as I'm happy with who I am now."  I say that as one who still struggles with my pictures sometimes after a lot of years post-transition.  But Robyn is right... it's how we feel about who we are.  (Think about how you feel as your other "self."  This is right.  We're correcting a mistake and doing the best we can, including with appearance.  And it's also about who we are inside as people.  That's what really counts.

Take care of yourself, Christine. 

Pam

PS - Your picture is very pretty.

[Allison S]

Yes.

I have the hips and breasts and all of the girl stuff. Everybody treats me normal and nice, I get complacent, like I am just like everyone else.

Then I see a photo of me or catch a quick glance in a store mirror or see myself on a monitor in a store or something. It makes me sick and I just want to hide, it takes days sometimes to get past it. I don't think I see myself the way other people see me and I don't think that I ever will. It doesn't matter what anyone says, I know what I see.

For forty plus years I did not care even a little. Now I care very much. It is beginning to be better for me. Probably helps that more and more I feel like a guy eye magnet. It freaked me out for the longest time, like everyone was clocking me but no is treating me bad in any way, quite the opposite. It feels like the world is going mad when I see myself and want to cry. Like what is wrong with them? Can't they see how hideous I am?

I think we have to let that go, feeling that way. It hurts soooooo bad and we are the only ones seeing anything out of the ordinary anyway. The rest of the world doesn't even notice, so what's the point. I hate how I look but I am tired of crying and aching and I think that guys only see hair and boobs anyway. I have no clue but if you figure out how to deal with that please let me know.

This is how I feel and I'm truly just concerned [emoji20] I know it's not normal and (some) signs do point otherwise even in person... But it's something inside me that's keeping me down. Makes me feel less than even.. It's just awful

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[Doreen]

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'll see... not me.  I'm not sure who I see, its not male.  Maybe androgynous bordering on female. Then other times I'm like "Damn I'm hot.. I'd do me.. " lol.

I just do my best to ignore the former and embrace the latter.  It gets better. FFS helped smooth that along nicely too.

[Grunt]

You will always be your worst critic, and probably always deal with some form of dysphoria. It's only natural, the thing is to find what helps you get out of that rut. The longer you're in it, the worse it gets, and the more others notice something is going on.

I like to think of it like being held captive against your will, then finally finding freedom after however many years. The psychological and emotional damage has been done, but it can only get better from here on out. Of course you're going to have flashbacks and strikes of grief on occasion, but your captor is gone, and can't hurt you anymore.

I hope that helps, because it has helped me.

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[Christine_Hart]

Thanks for the replies.

I think part of the problem is that I can't stand seeing myself as Bob (I find even looking in the mirror depressing) so in some ways I find myself hyper self-critical when it comes to something that I actually want to be. Not sure if that sounds strange or not.

Maybe in some ways the whole thing is a useful kick up the backside. Suddenly realising that you're not as good as you thought you were gives you the incentive to do something about it. I know one of the problems I had with the pictures was seeing my weight and that's something that's within my power to change.

Christine

[PurpleWolf]

OMG have I!!!!

Exactly the same scenario! Took a passport photo and felt HORRIBLE afterwards...!!! (So horrible that still haven't gotten that passport with it...  Okay I wanted to practice my signature more but still.) Just go read this:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,235579.40.html
(That page 3, just scroll down.....!)

Oh, YES! I've felt that. I can relate 100%. I thought I look good in selfies until I saw that passport pic taken by a professional....  It's hideous. It really shattered my reality/sense of self. Do I really look like that to people?! It pretty much destroyed my confidence. Actually I already got over that till you just reminded me xD. I have a dilemma: I need to get that passport done but I don't bear to look at that pic ever, I think xD. Everytime I've taken a look at those pics he took it destroys my self-esteem over and over again  !

Advice: Take a look at good selfies and try to remind yourself that THAT is your reality. You can/do look like that!!!

Plus I've multiple times felt those 'WTF am I doing?!!' 'Who am I trying to fool?!' etc. Things like comparing myself to a cis guy tends to make me feel that. I've seriously tried to stop comparing though. And just value every human being as an individual, including myself. But everyone has those bad days, definitely. Just today was talking to a nb guy friend of mine who said they had been feeling awful for a week for the way they look. I said that's inside their head coz to me they look great and def a guy. But feeling is a feeling!

You are not weird for feeling this! That's perfectly normal. And doesn't mean you aren't trans or anything. Or any less in any way. I think it's the same with cis people in general too. When you see a (to you) very bad photo of yourself, it tends to crush anyone's confidence. Everyone needs to feel they look good/great/awesome and having cool-looking and well-fitting clothes. With trans people it gets even harder. But no one feels confident if they're having a bad 'I look awful' day. Those days when you feel you look ugly or fat or can't pass etc. Usually it's mostly in your own mind though and doens't necessarily reflect the reality and how others see you.

That passport pic is awful though  ! Omg gotta take a look again...
---
Okay it's not that bad. I've gotten over it already, what a relief! I mean it's still a bad photo... it's one of the most hideous pics ever taken of me  . But it didn't destroy my self-esteem anymore. What a relief, indeed. Means maybe I can cope with seeing that on my ID/IDs.......! But seeing that pic always creates a nasty mental image that sticks for awhile... Maybe I shouldn't look at it myself, then, ever  . And just show the other person! Being a passport you need to at least open it to see it. But that pic's gonna be on other IDs as well...  Great.