Outed before I wanted at work, now scared

[Bari Jo]

It looks like my changes are causing people to ask questions at work.  And the answers have been confirmed by someone whom I've confided in my support group at work.  I did not expect this, however I shouldn't be surprised.  So, now that I've been out of the office for ten days and I'm returning Monday, I'm feeling like I'm having to brace myself for something new and scary.  I have to expect that everybody knows, and I'm not presenting fully.  I was trying to hold off till Sept/Oct thinking my electrolysis would have my mustache removed by then and more, plus my hair would have grown back and styled more feminine.  Now it's ultra awkward.  I'm at such an inbetween phase yet people know.  I'm afraid to go to work, afraid of the interactions I will now have.  Will I be a pariah?  Yes, but how much!  First day back is Monday, finding it difficult to sleep.  I feel like I can either continue to dress as I have been, with the hoodies, and the 14 yr old attire with slight makeup.  Or I can present a bit further with makeup and push my attire each week/month as I was planning   I am in no way passable, but as my current avatar shows I do get questions.  Argh, I hate the position I'm in.  Advice?  Tell me to calm down?  This ride sucks.  It was fairly enjoyable, then then the height requirement just got raised while I'm already on it past how tall I am.  It became an e ticket rollercoaster and I don't meet the safety requirements, yet I'm already on it and we are going up the initial lift hill. Scaredy scared scared.

Bari Jo

[Cindy]

Bari Jo,

Calm down and stop being stupid or I shall send Laurie back to slap you.

Nothing has changed. You are transitioning. It is up to you. Do what you want.

If someone tells you that they hear that you are turning into a off mauve Venusian then agree. So what?

Transitioning is not about the physical changes. It is about how you relate to the world and the only person that matters to is you.

So pull yourself together, smile and just be you.

[Sno]

Hon,

You'll only be a pariah, if you act like one - if you go in as normal, and just be you they will see that while there may be the odd physical change, that you are indeed, still yourself.

Alternatively send yourself a nice bouquet of flowers, with a message of congratulations on being brave enough to be yourself..

Failing all of the above, Laurie must be on a road trip near you....

You've got this hon, because we've got you. You can do this
(Hugs)



Rowan

[Megan.]

Head high, you got this!

Regardless what people may suspect or have been told by others, it's still up to you when you decide to confirm anything.

The very large majority of people will never bring it up without your prompting. A few may, so you might want to consider how you'll react if such a sittutation arises. I'm very open about stuff and have encouraged people to ask me anything, but I know that's not how others like to do it. [emoji5]

The awkward stages are just something many of us have to get through, you'll be fine, eyes on the prize. X

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[KathyLauren]

Unless you feel like coming out tomorrow and presenting fully, don't.  You can go to work exactly the same way that you left ten days ago.  Don't do anything different. 

If people ask questions, you should have decided ahead of time if you will confirm, deny, or evade.  Denying or evading will cause problems later, so my own preference if I were in that situation would be to confirm, but keep it as low-key as possible: "Yes, it is true, I am going to be transitioning in the future.  Now, about that project we were working on..."

I might be tempted to take the person who blabbed aside and say, "Dude, WTF??"  Keeping confidences is an important quality, and inability to do so detracts from a person's character.

Like Sno said, you'll only be a pariah if you make yourself one.  Most people are better than we fear them to be.  You will be fine!

[Gertrude]

If someone asks, say yeah, and? You live in CA and I think, work for a progressive company. Should be fine. The yeah and cuts people off in that it takes away any power they have in causing problems for you and might end up causing problems for themselves. Truth can be a good thing.


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[Allison S]

Of course you're scared this is a VERY scary experience! I know because I'm going through it too. We're changing from "male" to "female" or at least what society deems them as. It's totally overwhelming the small details that we tend to think about, have to pay attention to and then change! Each step of the way is not easy...

When I went to lunch with my sister (my 3rd sister, I mentioned 2 that already know and I have 4 in total lol) and she commented that my cheeks look fuller, and asked why that is. I told her, "maybe you're just taking a closer look?". I know my response is a bit sassy and not truthful. But honestly it was a good response for me in the moment.

My point is, even if you feel you have to explain, you really don't. A part of me does want to be open and honest but I just don't want conversations around it right now. I need to focus on my own goals and my family can wait.

Edit: also I'm pretty sure they all already know and just want me to open up.

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[Donna]

It will be different at work for sure but don't read anything into it yet. You can't tell how people will react but they will sense if you are tense and standoffish. Be your self and go with the flow. We all go thru that stage where we know where we are going but we are not ready yet. At some point you have to step thru that door. Maybe the door has been opened for you now.
It's always nicer to come out when you are ready unless the signs are getting too obvious. My wife was majorly concerned for my job if I came out and it ended up being a smooth flow from Doug to Donna after talking to the board president where I work. If you are outed  then talk with HR or a boss right up front so they have the true facts and not inaccurate rumours or opinions.
EG- at work people had started to assume I was ill(cancer history). The massive weight lose and the breast showing as well as other tells had them thinking the worse. One conversation later and all was well and a week after that Doug stopped going to work and Donna arrived. People will
Surprise you and offend as well. Take it one step at a time and best wishes for moving forward.

[Daisy Jane]

I'm sorry you were outed. I first came out at work after one of our occasional 20 minute yoga sessions. Then I sent out an email at work Monday morning to reach anyone who wasn't there. I didn't start dressing in feminine clothing for another couple of months, partly because I wasn't ready, and partly because I hadn't found anything to wear that made me feel good yet. Then I gradually added one or two pieces of feminine clothing or jewelry. It was probably another 9 months before I went full time. This summer will be about two years and I just purchased my first dress though part of the wait was finding one that felt flattering.

That's what felt right for me. Others made the switch all at once. There isn't one right way to do it. You handle it in the way that's most comfortable for you.

[Bari Jo]

Thanks everyone for the well meaning responses.  I feel a bit better.  I won't deny or evade anything about my transition.  My boss and HR already know and they are in my court, I just didn't expect the rest would know so soon.  I think maybe I will have to draft that email to send to everyone too, just to keep it in my arsenal should I need to send it.

Bari Jo

[sarah1972]

Hey Bari -

Think about it from a different angle: now everyone knows, a large weight is off you shoulders about them go do g out and you can stop hiding. I doubt anyone will expect you showing up like a super model day one. I thought I remember you working in a creative and accepting environment. Most people these days know not to ask all the questions they really want to ask.

I know it is scary but I also know you got this!

Good luck and many hugs

[HappyMoni]

Bari Jo,
   I announced my intention in front of about 90 people at work. It would be another 9 months before I changed presentation. Was it hard after  they knew? No, I had so many congratulate me and express relief that it wasn't something bad. It was okay. I think you will find that being open and honest about yourself will clear up any confusion as to what has been changing with you.  People like certainty, not wondering about something. They will know where things stand with you. I think it will be better. Hold your head up high.
Moni
Anyone who has an issue with you would have one whenever you tell them. Don't stress on them.

[DawnOday]

Bari - I've spent the last two days in a Catholic Hospital. I've told everyone I meet I am in transition. Nobody seems to care. It's been very positive thus far. Most are just curious, so I explain the best I can. Once I do that they have all reacted with compassion. Good luck to you Bari.

[Allison S]

Thanks everyone for the well meaning responses.  I feel a bit better.  I won't deny or evade anything about my transition.  My boss and HR already know and they are in my court, I just didn't expect the rest would know so soon.  I think maybe I will have to draft that email to send to everyone too, just to keep it in my arsenal should I need to send it.

Bari Jo

Smart!! I think you already know the way [emoji4] I think I just don't want people to feel sorry for me. But I'm just being insecure and standoffish [emoji17]

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[Bari Jo]

I've been back to work a day now.  I have had some smiles that seemed awkward, so I'm fairly certain that many do know, just haven't heard it from me.  Work is fine though.   I relayed to my boss about others being told by a coworker.  She asked if I wanted her to talk to anybody.  I'm choosing no.  Instead if anyone asks about me, just ask them to ask me.  If they are from other teams or upper mgmt my boss will talk with them for me.  My date of Sept/oct stands and is the goal.  After discussing with another here at Susan's, I am actually presenting more than I realized, so no wonder the questions.  Still though, I'm not slowing that.  I'm going to continue on my way and just get used to people knowing.

Bari Jo