Interesting to hear from people with different perspectives. I don't know why but I wanted to join the military after my college because I didn't feel like I want to live with all these mental baggage in my head. Even now, I would rather die saving someone than living everyday wondering what's wrong with me. I seriously wish I can find peace that way. Should an opportunity like that arise again, I would grab it with my both hands. Obviously, I've been in similar situations before where I risked my life thinking that I would eventually get killed but nope, something saves me from all those circumstances. WHY save me when I am dying everyday? My parents knew I was showing signs of being trans since my childhood, in fact, I remember my parents telling me that there are transgender people when I didn't know they existed. Still, I was embarrassed of coming out as a transgender person because the transgender people that I saw back home was terrifying and had worse lives. I've even had few MTF individuals telling me to live as male because they lost everything because of transitioning and I could totally understand it. Apparently, circumstances back home were hostile and when you come out as transgender, you could get kicked out of your house and become homeless in a day. I was/am good in Athletics and Academics with the goal of making it big. I'm just worried that revelation of this part of mine would affect my career as a student and sports person. Worst part is I am running out of time as well, I'm one of the late bloomers as I'm still growing up as if 6 ft 2 inches is not tall enough and becoming masculine than ever with a jaw growing up pretty huge. I stopped hitting the gym last year because the more I hit the gym, the more masculine I end up looking causing dysphoria. Now, I've the options of accepting the fact that I could be a trans person after all or continue my journey as it is and wish I could die for something worthy . Last but not least, my parents are supportive of trans people even though they are of conservative background and clueless about the biology behind it. They think being trans has more to do with social environment rather than biological reasons. It would break their hearts if they know that I'm trans as they would just blame their upbringing. I was really good at hiding this side of me since I got to know about the existence of trans people in my birth country. They were humiliated by the public everyday and they were forced to beg and work as hookers to exist in this world. As a child, I didn't want to end up like them because of obvious reasons. I still do wish I could do anything to fix this but I literally can't. It's a part of me which won't go away. I tried going full masculine, refrained from cross-dressing for years but every single time I did that, the feelings came back strong. Every single time I denied my true identity and hated it, it didn't help. For whatever reasons, I tell myself I'm just a confused guy whenever I came close to transitioning. The brain acts in a strange way. Whenever I have wet dreams, I freaking hate it and makes me hate myself because I don't visions of beautiful women or sexy men in my dreams but me trying on some makeup or dress. Sexually, I'm not attracted to neither sex and as weird as it may sound, I never watched porn. My anatomy disgusts me and I always keep myself busy to stop thinking about all these and when I get called 'sir' or referred to 'he/him' , it makes me wanna throw up. I loved it when I was called 'Ma'am' in phone before my voice eventually changed due to puberty yet I pretended to hate my once feminine voice because of peer pressure and society. I don't know if I sound to you like trans or a guy who went full crazy on the internet. Let me know if you feel either way.
