When to tell your man that you're trans?

[ForeverLacey]

I let everyone know at the time interest was developed. I believe it is fair for guys to know and honestly, I don't want to be a name on Transgender Day of Remembrance.

[Alanna1990]

Please, I'm only interested in hearing responses from transsexual women who are currently in, or have had, a successful long-term romantic relationship with a man.

My question is, When did you tell your date/boyfriend/husband that you're trans?  Did you tell him before the first date?  After the first date?  After several dates?  Before sex? Just before it became a serious relationship? After engagement?  Or even after marriage? And do you think your timing was okay, or do you wish you had told him later, or earlier?

I'm currently struggling with this question myself...

I'm married so I think I can be of help here, always be clear about it, some men can be real charming until they know about it, telling everybody gets rid of the people that are not worth it, before you date him is the best time,

something like this: "yeah, I'd love to go out with you, but I have to tell you something important, I'm transgender",

most will tell you, "uhhh, sorry I didn't know, I'm not interested, sorry", discard them obviously.

others will tell you, "really?? you look amazing!, we should date anyways", I'd date them but never expect something important happening there, they may just be curious about dating somebody like us.

and finally, "ok, so... saturday night?", like my dear husband
he's never shown any concern or anything regarding the topic, he treats me like a princess and lets me be myself, no uncomfortable questions about anything, he's just a man dating a woman.

my point is, choose to date somebody who doesn't give two dimes about your private parts, they're hard to come by, exactly like us, so it's worth the effort.

[Devlyn]

I'm married so I think I can be of help here, always be clear about it, some men can be real charming until they know about it, telling everybody gets rid of the people that are not worth it, before you date him is the best time,

something like this: "yeah, I'd love to go out with you, but I have to tell you something important, I'm transgender",

most will tell you, "uhhh, sorry I didn't know, I'm not interested, sorry", discard them obviously.

others will tell you, "really?? you look amazing!, we should date anyways", I'd date them but never expect something important happening there, they may just be curious about dating somebody like us.

and finally, "ok, so... saturday night?", like my dear husband
he's never shown any concern or anything regarding the topic, he treats me like a princess and lets me be myself, no uncomfortable questions about anything, he's just a man dating a woman.

my point is, choose to date somebody who doesn't give two dimes about your private parts, they're hard to come by, exactly like us, so it's worth the effort.

Amen! We're too special to waste our time on a partner who wouldn't appreciate the treasure that is us. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Allison S]

I wouldn't waste my time telling a stranger. That actuslly could be dangerous... I would first see if we even click on a personal level. If we did, and I feel like I'm comfortable, I would tell the guy. I may never see him again, but if that's the case than we weren't meant to be.

Trans or not, everyone's a treasure. If some guy, or any person, can't overlook something like that than they're not worth the time or effort in the long run anyway.

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[Rumples]

I keep myself to myself.  During the first year of my first real relationship, my family decided it was their business to casually inform my then partner. It was then held over my head as our relationship span of of control and exploded in slow motion. After we split, because I didn't come back when they clicked my fingers they just tossed it out there. Luckily, I had left town by this point.

My current partner of over 10 years found out by mistake when she was doing some cleaning a few months into our relationship.  No problems, she said she would never have guessed and just asked a few general questions.

Personal choice, I wouldn't go out of my way to, as to me, it's non of their concern. 

[Ellement_of_Freedom]

On the other hand, if I tell him too early, maybe he won't want to get to know me in the first place.  While trans women are becoming more accepted in society, I feel like there's still a huge stigma against straight cis men who date/marry trans women.  So maybe if I tell him after we've gotten to know each other and maybe even after we've fallen in love, he'd be ok with my being trans.  But if I told him too early, he wouldn't even want to get to know me better.

I asked Tristan to give me an honest answer and I asked him if he would still have wanted to go out with me if I had told him I was trans when he first asked me out and he said honestly, no he wouldn't. He had never met a trans girl before, knew nothing about us and had misconceptions about trans women just like lots of guys do. Again I believe it was the month he had to get to know me that helped him be more accepting. I am not saying to "fool" some guy sexually,  I'm just saying I believe it's helpful to let him get to know you a little as a person before telling him.

My sentiments exactly. Until the stigma doesn't exist anymore, I think it's necessary for them to get to know us without the trans label hanging over our heads. Once we have shown them that we're just like any other girl, then I think it's an appropriate time to tell.

I actually lose a lot of sleep over this topic on a regular basis...

[Spunky Brewster]

I'm in a nearly five-year long relationship with a man come June 5. I'm 35 now. I started transitioning three months before I met him in one of the worst areas of Philadelphia you can imagine. Here is a link to where we met!: https://philly.curbed.com/2017/12/19/16792862/kensington-philadelphia-bridge-mural-photos

At that point in my transition, I barely passed; it had only been three months, and I had a very short pixie cut. I also dressed very andro. But, he said he saw me from afar and couldn't figure out if I was a boy or a girl, but that I looked really pleasant. In any event, we really hit off. And I'm really shy, especially around men. But he was funny and nice. So, we went back to his house and sat on his steps in West Philly til the wee hours of the morning. I ended up sleeping on his couch. At some point that night, I told him I was trans. (I'm actually intersex, but the difference means nothing to me, so I just say trans until I really know someone, as it is really confusing). He said he though so but didn't want to be rude.

I never thought I'd hear from him again but he texted several days later. Then, out of nowhere, I got a settlement check from TD Bank for overdrafts. You need money in a new friendship. I was poor. Dirt poor. Then, we started hanging out all the time. We moved in together by September and slept in the same bed. We weren't dating and he said he would never date me. Which, I accepted.

I don't know what happened but about nine months after we met, we had sex. Then, we didn't do it for awhile. Finally, we really started hooking up and I would say our relationship officially started around September 2014--15 months after we met.

My advice: tell the person upfront, especially if you don't "pass" well. If you do, only put it off for so long. Secrets kill relationships. And this secret may kill you. Maybe you could put it off longer, but I would always disclose before any "hooking up" beyond hand holding/hugging. If you kiss, tell him. Do you want to live with a secret forever. That seems exhausting.

BTW, my BF is from the Applachian Mountains in NE PA. He is fairly religious and conservative, though more apolitical. But, it works for us and he is totally in love with me. My life has been a nightmare. Did you look at the link? That's where I'm from. It's the heroin capital of America. Yet, five years after transitioning, every dream I ever had has come true: surgery, I'm super pretty, I have a loving amazing BF, and everything is going my way. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

However, if you really want a husband, you need to tell the truth. Unless, that is, you are willing to lie to someone about who you are day in, day out, hoping he never finds out. It's not 1980. What happens if he runs a search? remember, many guys, especially ones over 30, are much more open-minded these days. But guys are extremely insecure. All of them. Even if you don't pass to well, practice your voice until you get it right. This is prolly the most important thing of all. No straight man wants to hear his woman sounding like Barry Baritone. If you can get voice surgery and need it, do it. If not, go to a voice therapist.

I'm lucky, but I can sound like a man sometimes when I get mad. It's the only tell I have. Yet, if I don't get upset, I'm fine. Just practice. Always use your feminine voice. Not a falsetto. even if it is a bit deep, that isn't the end. If you can get it up to 160 hrz., you're gold. Mine registers at 180-220, but like I said I'm lucky. It also can go as low as 90, so yeah. I can't stress this enough.

[SaphRose]

Hello, I'm a stealth girl, who's been in a relationship with a man for the past year.

My boyfriend and I met on a dating app, where I clearly stated I was trans on my profile to avoid wasting time.  He knew before he even messaged me what the situation was.  It came up only once, he acknowledged that he understood who I was, and that was that.  However, he did tell me when he first saw me on there he had no idea I was trans but that when he found it, it really didn't sway his opinion one way or the other.

We were best friends for 7 months before dating, and during our whole friendship we were flirty and made it obvious we liked each other in that way, we started dating when we were both ready about a year ago, and now we're still together and we live together with two fur babies. :3

I told him off the bat, while it was passive and not directly stated to him, I think the way it worked out was perfect.  I never really had to have "that" conversation with him, which I'm not sure how I would've handled that. I think waiting to tell him would've made things more complicated, but honestly my boyfriend is the very openminded and compassionate type so that sort of thing would've never bothered him in the first place.

There is no really right time to tell someone, but I'm going to just let you know this:  The longer you wait and the more you get to know someone, the harder it'll be to tell them.  It's always best in my opinion, to be straightforward with that kind of thing as to not hurt anyone — but most importantly to not put you in a harmful situation emotionally or physically.  Every man is different, and it really depends on the dynamic of your relationship and who he is as a person which can dictate your timing.

[Spunky Brewster]

We were best friends for 7 months before dating, and during our whole friendship we were flirty and made it obvious we liked each other in that way, we started dating when we were both ready about a year ago, and now we're still together and we live together with two fur babies. :3

I told him off the bat, while it was passive and not directly stated to him, I think the way it worked out was perfect.  I never really had to have "that" conversation with him, which I'm not sure how I would've handled that. I think waiting to tell him would've made things more complicated, but honestly my boyfriend is the very openminded and compassionate type so that sort of thing would've never bothered him in the first place.

We have very similar situations with men. Though I met mine on the street, well, actually a small bridge, he knew very fast as I had only been on HRT for a few months and we were best friends before we started "dating." I just put our anniversary as the day we met, but it's hard to pin down an actual date.

Moreover, I don't know what I would do if i had to have the conversation. I feel incredibly lucky. I think your route is the best way to go for most people: dating sites. You put it up there and see what happens. I do think it is a lot easier for trans women who pass extremely well and don't just "pass." I hate to be all I'm so pretty, cause I think I'm pretty ugly, but the world tells me otherwise.

However, if my BF dumped me, God forbid, and I had one night stands. I would not disclose. I have no reason to do so. My surgeon is amazed at how my vagina looks, as is my BF. My BF was there when they removed the catheter and bandage and he saw my seven-day-old franken-pussy. OMG. I was aghast for a month. My boobs were gigantic. My vag looked like someone sliced me open. I felt like I was butchered. But, six months later, it is amazing. There would be no way you would ever be able to know without an actual gynecological exam with a speculum. They don't bother me that much, though they look medieval.

No guy would be able to tell the difference. No way. No how. But, I do have to use lube, so there is that.