Frankly, Ethan/Jake, people are effing stupid and insecure. You know who you are, you know the body and the mental reality that you have to live with, nobody else does. And even if you're not sure, you STILL know more than they do. You are the expert on your identity and your life. Don't let the naysayers get to you.
That said - how old are you? How long do you have to go before you're not living at home anymore? Because trust me, life gets better after you move out, and you're given the opportunity to be a proper adult in control of your life. Just take a deep breath, count backwards from 10, and remember that this is temporary. This will pass. Your family does not control your life, they do not own you, and freedom is just around the corner.
Being "a nobody" isn't all that bad - have you seen what it's like to be a celebrity? To have people watching your every move, paying attention to everything you do and say? There's liberation in going unnoticed. You can do whatever you want, be whoever you want to be, and few people will have any reason to get mad about it. Think of it, for the time being, as breathing room. Being "nobody" means you have all the time in the world to figure yourself out at your leisure, to make mistakes, to experiment and explore. Being visible comes at a price. Maybe you don't want or need that right now. Maybe this is a good thing, especially if you're young. Young people aren't supposed to make waves. They're supposed to figure out their life and fall down and get back up again. In that sense, you're exactly where you should be, and where many people would kill to be.
Moreover, people will miss you, trust me. My best friend attempted suicide many, many years ago, thinking that she was nothing more than a mouth to feed. But guess what? She had more friends than she realized, she had more caring people in her life than she could imagine when she was in those moments of deep depression. You don't need to try anything to test that theory. At the very least, you have a best friend already: future you. Future you really wants you to stick around, because their life depends on it. They want to get to know you better, and they want your help getting to know themselves in the years to come too. Stick around for future you, because you're gonna make one helluva team.
Lastly, being trans is a series of choices. You don't HAVE to do anything. There's no trans police that's going to come banging on your door at 1 in the morning to make sure you're sleeping with your binder on and dreaming in male pronouns. Being trans is what YOU make of it. And for the record, cis people really don't ever think about the stuff we do - if you're questioning your gender, you're probably trans. And if you're trans, then you're trans enough. End of. Haters to the left.
If you can, please see a therapist, especially one that knows about gender issues. If you can't, and if you need help sooner, try calling a crisis hotline or texting one. The forum has links to several of them - they're usually stickied at the tops of most of the subforums. I'm not a professional, and I struggle with anxiety and depression myself, being pre-everything and not having come out to any of my family yet, but if you feel like you need something I can give you, feel free to PM me.
It's gonna be OK. You got this.
