Was anyone else here somewhat of a Nice Guy before they transitioned?

[LeahJoFoxtrot]

Hi Everyone!

I have been following Susan's forum for over four years and have posted here before under another account. This question is probably something for my therapist but I already saw her this week and I am anxious. I want to hear from female identified lesbian (or otherwise attracted to females) people about this mainly but I appreciate insight from anyone.

First, a little background, I am over four years into my transition (I have been on hormones for that long too) and I have been mostly happy but I do suffer from alot of what I would call, "But that was a male thing" anxiety.

Here is an example:

I am listening to an audiobook where there is a "fat loser know it all" type guy. He is in love with one of the female main characters. She wants nothing to do with him and she is falling for the rugged strong male character. He exhibits many of the standard "Nice Guy" behaviors with her and he exhibits alot of jealousy. I found that except for the more malignant traits of the "loser" that I experienced many of the same feelings about girls before I realized I was trans. I feel like I could relate on an emotional level what he was going through. That scared me. I felt like *I* was still a "Nice Guy" and that somehow invalidated my gender identity. I have never consciously been the kind of person that believes being nice should get you laid but I had (have?) certain personality traits like the ones people would describe as "nice guy syndrome."

Has anyone else felt this way? Lately I have been rereading the forums and have been delighted by just how much I can relate to much of what other trans women are saying.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, LeahJoFoxtrot!

Welcome to Susan's.

There is nothing wrong with having been a "nice guy".  Remember, the alternatives available to you at the time were to be either a nice guy or a bad boy.  Which of the two would a trans woman in hiding pick?  Your only options prior to transitioning were male options.  I am guessing that most of us MTFs were "nice guys" prior to transitioning.

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[pamelatransuk]

Yes. I know what you mean. I saw myself as an Nice Guy Loser with pessimism but not jealousy.

I think it logical to think that if you are a suppressed transwoman as we both were and then it takes time to get over it.

Pamela

[MollyPants]

That sounds familiar though I must admit I was generally more hurt that the rough and tough guys I found attractive saw me as an easy target to prove their manliness. I really struggled to make any romantic connection with girls, they always saw me as their male gay bff type to a lot of frustration on my side. I always wanted to be a gentle caring and nurturing type of person and those are definitely traits that don't go down well if you're assigned as male.

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[Roll]

Well, I never dated but in theory I was definitely a "Nice Guy", and most my friends were too. I sort of cherish the experience because of the peer group that put me in, even if I personally turned out not to be a "nice guy" but rather a "nice girl", for the reason that now I know for a fact those nice guys exist and that is my type. I know the pitfalls of pretenders, the red flags to look for, the signs someone is a nice guy but too shy to say anything, etc. It's a common complaint by guys when they start to get bitter about it (understandably I feel) that many women say they want a nice guy but then always go for the jerk. But I believe that isn't because of any sort of hypocrisy, but rather simply not often having had the chance to learn the dynamics of the nice guy vs the jerk who just pretends to be nice from behind enemy lines so to speak, and that most women who wind up in jerks while saying they want the nice guy are just being genuinely misled.

Also, important point to make. There are 100% nice girls who a lot of guys don't give the time of day. It's not a purely guy thing just because that is the cliche.

[Laurel D]

I would classify myself as a former nice guy with one major caveat. I had no confidence at all. And I wasn't One of those people that try to compensate for that in another way.  ( other than trying to be really helpful to people) I literally had no confidence. It was hell. I had very few friends, dated very few times, And almost every relationship I had was serious as a result of me dating  very few times.


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[BrandiYYC]

I was definitely the nice guy, always was able to talk to girls but mostly as a friend in the early days. I always treated women, and still do, with respect.

[HappyMoni]

Aside from my anger and emotional withdrawal caused  by my gender situation, most people  would have thought of me as nice and very sensitive. I had too much of a female quality to be any kind of guy with women. I was very respectful and shy about dating with them. Now that I have transitioned, my behavior and thought process very much fits with being a women. I hope one day to feel like I am sexually attractive. Having the wrong body parts really made that impossible. I may have thought I was a nice guy at one point, but I was really a woman.
Moni
Hope this was along the lines of what you were looking for.

[Jailyn]

Yes I felt this way before and my ex even told me straight up oh you're just the nice guy. I never had much luck with the ladies being the nice guy and hated that the bad boys got all the attention. What happened to playing it safe was good? Now I got an attitude, lol. Don't cross me or she hulk does come out. I think that came with the boost in confidence I have gotten.

[pamelatransuk]

Aside from my anger and emotional withdrawal caused  by my gender situation, most people  would have thought of me as nice and very sensitive. I had too much of a female quality to be any kind of guy with women. I was very respectful and shy about dating with them.
Having the wrong body parts really made that impossible. I may have thought I was a nice guy at one point, but I was really a woman.
Moni
Hope this was along the lines of what you were looking for.

This described me more accurately.

As I said above, I was the nice guy loser with pessimism but also emotionally withdrawn caused by my gender situation.

I was and still am very sensitive about either comments or events and gender situation made dating impossible as I wished to be perceived as a woman and treated as a woman especially by women but that could not be accommodated of course.

Pamela

[BlueJaye]

Oh, this is definitely me presenting as male!

My wife is the ONLY woman who ever gave me a chance. I never dated anyone or had any form of romantic relationships until I met my wife at age 26. And it wasn't for lack of trying. Women just didn't find me attractive in that way. A few even used the exact words, "You're just too nice". I was even passed up for a promotion once because of it. I was applying internally for an open position for Supplier Quality Engineer. I interviewed with our director of quality, and he flat out told me "you're just not assertive enough".

I hate gender stereotypes. There are plenty of cisgender men out there who are caring and sensitive and get labeled as sissies. It's a messed up world we live in.

[ReplacementSarah]

I definitely suffered from "Nice Guy Syndrome" (among other things) when I was younger and inexperienced. Honestly, a lot of my early dating life is cringe-worthy to think back on. I'm not sure how much that really had to do with my gender identity, and how much it had to do with the fact that while school taught Sex Ed, they didn't teach Relationship Ed, so I was really clueless. My only source for how relationships were supposed to work was popular media, and let's face it... many of the tropes of the typical Rom Com are problematic when mis-applied to real life.

[Kylo]

Interesting.

One thing I noticed is that a lot of women want different kinds of men at different stages in life. It's not like there's a single strategy there that all women use or that men have to use all of the time. While they're young (or even older) and unattached the bad boys tend to appeal, but around 30s and early 40s women prefer to go for the nice guys, or to look for "father and husband material". Makes perfect sense from a biological perspective - bad boys have certain survival qualities and are usually looking to climb various types of social ladders for status (status = resources), nice guys are better nurturers for the family unit. Both are necessary to some degree to survival. A man who is too nice and a total pushover is a liability, a man who is too selfish isn't going to help his family (or genes) survive. Why women often have a dual desire for both bad boys and nice guys, I expect.

I wouldn't imagine most transwomen enjoy being stuck in either of those male roles.