Steps with the wife

[Degenderate]

If you don't mind me saying, my only concern from what you've said is that I feel that you are very conscious of what a hardship this is for your wife, but it comes across a bit as though she is not quite as cognisant of your feelings? It might just be me reading the situation wrong, but even though guilt is difficult to avoid, please don't feel as though you've done anything wrong! You are you, and you always have been - striving to find your happiness and peace within yourself is nothing to be ashamed of.

If there's one thing, in my opinion, that is entirely required to make a relationship survive, it's mutual respect. Each person needs to respect the other(s) truly and genuinely.

[Julie -2010]

My wife and I had another of our talks tonight and it started out with her concerns and a little testy. This is good because nothing gets unsaid and we grow stronger from it. I actually admitted tonight that I really have know for way longer than I'd ever admit to that I am a female in the wrong body. This is something she admits to suspecting from day one with me. We are happy and cuddly tonight and still processing. It is unfortunate that it comes out as being selfish but it's better than just giving up on life. She is understanding that I need this for my happiness and that translates to a more caring and loving partner for her.

One of the things that I find really hard for me is to start talking and telling her my feeling.  I know it makes her sad and I don't want to hurt her more.  I'm also scared for me to admit what I really want and maybe if I don't say it out loud I won't think about the future.  I think my wife is very understanding and really hasn't objected to a lot of what I have done (HRT, laser, electrolysis)  so I am very lucky she has stayed with me.

I told my wife about my cross-dressing when we first got engaged 30+ years ago.  I told her that I didn't think it would be any more than that.  But I knew it was more than just cross-dressing but how much more I really didn't know.  About 15 years ago I told her that I just wasn't happy, something was wrong.  (it wasn't her or our marriage, it wasn't our kids but I just felt so unhappy).   About 8 years ago I finally admitted to myself that I need to explore the path to become a women and then I told my wife a few years ago that I was a women and wanted to keep going down the path. My wife does want me to be happy but we both know someone will be happy and someone may not be.

Sorry more than you wanted to know.

Julie

[Julie -2010]

Adrian,

  Thanks for those couple of posts back.  Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all need a little luck and understanding to get through life and it looks like your partner is on board.  I like what you said about breaking it down into smaller pieces.  Maybe that would help to at least start on some things.   I think one thing that may be hard for you is not starting on T.  My happiness level went sky high when I started on HRT.  Some was that yes I'm starting but even now after 14 months I'm just happy.  I think I smile more than I ever have.  At least more than in the past 10-15 years.  Maybe T doesn't work the same way to help you mentally. One of the big things that is hard on my wife is the secret.  I want to start telling but I think she doesn't want people to find out because she knows friend and family will be judging both of us.  Especially her, "your husband does what", "why did you stay with him", etc...  I'm starting to push her more into letting out the secret slowly and I'm hoping once that happen she'll feel better about "Trans". Me, I'm at that who cares what people think, I'm happy!!

About your second post. So when I wrote this post, that is how I was feeling.  She doesn't take into account my feeling, what I want.  She isn't working on getting comfortable with me outside the home.  I have those moments of "hey, what about me".  I try and do things in male mode that I know she likes and try and take into account her feeling, but I have in the last year said more and more.  I need to be happy.  If she doesn't want to come along for the ride I can't make her.  Than the guilt starts in on me and I'm in that circle again.  I'm working on trying to love me for me and not beat myself up so much.

Julie

[Donna]

Julie, starting the talks are the hardest part. I was given a talking guide by my therapist that gives some starting points. First and foremost is to be absolutely honest. You need to rebuild trust.
Second don't cut the other off while they talk and make sure your listening and not formulating an answer while the other is talking, you miss to much then.
Don't hide your feelings and make sure you both understand that comments are not a personal attack they are just your true feelings. Always leave a conversation fully concluded. If you need to stop talking or she does then you each have to respect that and don't push. Never leave a conversation angry with each other.
Let the conversation flow and follow its natural course. Don't try to steer it or each other will feel directed.
My wife and I have had some hugely emotional and deep reaching conversations and we can hug each other afterward in true loving and caring embraces. Make some compromises if you need to, they don't have to be major. Just understand that she has a huge pile dumped on her and you can only remove a tiny bit at a time.
You are getting a new life and she will feel she is loosing hers. Make sure she knows you are committed to your bond and life with her.
Believe me she will know if your not being honest about that. Talk about future steps as she was left out of the original ones. As best as you can let her know your direction and intentions, this is hard because each step opens a new one and you won't know where your going until it pops up. Put your thoughts on paper, they are easier to get out and then share them with her. It is a promise to her that these are your true thoughts and she will have them to reference later if she feels you have deceived her. DONT DO THAT.
We are not perfect and we are not at any sort of finish yet and may never be, but we are trying our best to make this all work.
We have family pressure which adds to our burden and we discuss that separately and calmly as it is hurtful to both of us and I really get wound up about the attitude of two people that I have treated descently for as long as I have known them. Be ready for that to pop into conversations as well.
Sorry this is so long. Lol
These are my methods and experience and others may be different.

[Charlie Nicki]

Julie, starting the talks are the hardest part. I was given a talking guide by my therapist that gives some starting points. First and foremost is to be absolutely honest. You need to rebuild trust.
Second don't cut the other off while they talk and make sure your listening and not formulating an answer while the other is talking, you miss to much then.
Don't hide your feelings and make sure you both understand that comments are not a personal attack they are just your true feelings. Always leave a conversation fully concluded. If you need to stop talking or she does then you each have to respect that and don't push. Never leave a conversation angry with each other.
Let the conversation flow and follow its natural course. Don't try to steer it or each other will feel directed.
My wife and I have had some hugely emotional and deep reaching conversations and we can hug each other afterward in true loving and caring embraces. Make some compromises if you need to, they don't have to be major. Just understand that she has a huge pile dumped on her and you can only remove a tiny bit at a time.
You are getting a new life and she will feel she is loosing hers. Make sure she knows you are committed to your bond and life with her.
Believe me she will know if your not being honest about that. Talk about future steps as she was left out of the original ones. As best as you can let her know your direction and intentions, this is hard because each step opens a new one and you won't know where your going until it pops up. Put your thoughts on paper, they are easier to get out and then share them with her. It is a promise to her that these are your true thoughts and she will have them to reference later if she feels you have deceived her. DONT DO THAT.
We are not perfect and we are not at any sort of finish yet and may never be, but we are trying our best to make this all work.
We have family pressure which adds to our burden and we discuss that separately and calmly as it is hurtful to both of us and I really get wound up about the attitude of two people that I have treated descently for as long as I have known them. Be ready for that to pop into conversations as well.
Sorry this is so long. Lol
These are my methods and experience and others may be different.

These are great tips. Thank you.

[Donna]

Even if only one item helps that great, or if it gives you a direction that great too.
I'm putting the pieces together one at a time and my mistakes and accomplishments
make me stronger and in a short time my wife has gone from a -10 on the acceptance level
to +3. We are a long way from ten as we are into the really tough items now.
Surgery desicions and how far is far enough. She is talking to a counselor now and that was a big move on her part.

[Julie -2010]

Donna,

  Thank you so much for sharing all that information.  I'm going to start and hopefully it will slowly gets us on the right track together.

Julie