Transgender or bigender

[Initama]

Hi,

i'm writing here today because i'm really confused about how i feel right now. i've been seeing a psychologist/sexologist for the past few month but hasn't been really helpfull. i'm myself someone really profound and always loved psychology but this is just over me.

I know i used to be transgender with i was a kid. Until my 17th birthday i always wanted to be a girl. Despite the fact that i didn't really want to look like a girl, i wanted to have the genitals of a girl and wished i ever was born a girl. i hated seeing myself in front of the mirror for a long long time.

After my 17th i started becoming a man, going to the gym, starting to flirt with girls and even looking at myself in the mirror. i liked what i saw.
i've grown up and i'm now almost 24. I was really happy of what i've become for the past few years, muscular, confident and most people i encounter love me.
But the dysphoria kicked in a few month back when i used that app Faceapp. my heart almost broke down and i started to cry and couldn't hold myself for a few days. i wanted to be a girl. Ever since this episode i'm craving for that body girl have, large hips, tiny upper body, beautifull female face. I can even see the girl in the mirror when i look at myself. I never had much of Male characteristic (my girlfriend is 5"10 and i'm 5"11 but we got approximately the same bone structure (i even think i have less density than her and i do have narrower shoulder even though i'm build like a male).
For info i used to bench 250 lbs a few month ago.

but now i'm craving to have a feminine body but my genitals aren't a problem anymore, i used to hate them but now i kinda love em.

i'm know i'm transgender because if i could ever push a button and change into a girl, i'd definitely do it.

but what if i'm bigender ? what if i ever transition to find out a few years later that i'd prefer being a man, then later a girl. Should i be happier being a bigender man or a bigender woman?

did you too have those episodes of bigenderism before transitionning ? The brain is a complex system, what if i'm just transgender but my conscious used to be good because i'm a male but my unconscious just made a break down and got over the conscious and that's all i ever wanted?
Sorry for my english though it may be a little hard to understand everything.

[lc100]

Your English is fine! I hope mine is easy to understand. Let me know if not.

I identify as a transgender man, FTM, though I do still have times where I wonder, what if I am bigender or otherwise don't fit into the labels of man and woman? It's gotten easier throughout the years, after some experimenting. However, I was very back and forth about it, more so than you have been.

I've noticed that many trans people go through this, though some may not want to admit it. Confusion is okay. I've seen many trans people say that they had these back and forth feelings before transitioning, and once they did, it became easier to figure out specific labels. Their minds became clearer, whether they discovered they were indeed just transgender or actually bigender/otherwise did not fit into the binary of man or woman.

My confusion was at its worst when I was not talking about it, and felt like I HAD to choose one or the other, and fast.

If you're able to, try to talk to other people online about this. I'm not sure if you have any transgender friends in real life. I would really advise that you try to find another therapist who specializes in gender who can help. Is there a LGBT center nearby, with trans care? Try to get as much talk therapy as you can, that way you are prepared mentally for anything you discover about yourself.

If you go online, talking with other transgender people might be nice, because they can give you their experiences, as well as refer to you as female for a period of time if you want to experiment.

Good luck on figuring yourself out!

[Initama]

Hi, Thanks for your answer.

i'll try to make myself a bit more clearer, i know i'm or atleast i was transgender when i was young. I also tried to convice people over the internet i was a girl (i played alot of online games) and i loved it.

my psychologist is a gender psychologist but wasn't of any help. i've talking openly about it to a few friends, to one of my aunt and my girlfriend. all of them accepted it. My girlfriend is still unsure of what will happen between us too in the future but says her life without me wouldn't be complete, even if i was a girl.
We could even say we are each other's world.

we even make a few jokes sometimes. She told one of her friends that they will go to a trip this summer with their boyfriends, she told me afterward "well, her boyfriend and my girlfiend". it actually made me happy.

But my feeling are like a yoyo style, 50% of the time dysphoria is present, 50% not (during a normal day i'd say to myself i'd like to be a girl, 5 minute later i just reject the idea and then 5 min again later...)

i also talked to a friend about it who is learning psychology/sexology and his best friend is a trans male. My hairdresser's partner is a trans woman aswell. They used to date when she was a he.

i'm kind of open on the subject with the people i trust the most and know they'll not judge me. it has worked so far.


what i'm struggling the most is that most of my life i couldn't imagine myself in the future. Of course i knew i was born in the wrong body but i had no idea of what transgender was until a few month ago.
at the age of 17 i started grabbing life and finally could se myself in the future. When i met my GF at the age of 19 i knew i wanted to make her kids and live with her as her husband and father of her child.

Since the dysphoria kicked in a few month back, my future vanished. I can't see it. i don't even know if i want any kids anymore!

my dysphoria used to be genitals (even before puberty) and was sexual (still before puberty ? i remember at the age 4-5 feeling something like i had female genitals and wished i had some)
now dysphoria is my body ? i never had body/bone dysphoria for 23years. i know that. why now ?

i'd really love to live as a happy man, but i'm not sure i can anymore

[Dena]

Most but not all programs require a period of RLE (Real Life Experience) before granting surgery. This original was a way to determine if you would be happy with a full transition as the non binary wasn't understood that far back. Now RLE can serve a different purpose in that if you discover living without surgery but as a woman brings you happiness, you can stop the transition at that point. If instead you should still want more, you can continue until you receive surgery. There comes a time when head games just can't tell you what you need and you have to put it to a real world test.