The raw beauty of emotions

[Megan.]

Be they good or bad, whether they weigh me down like lead or lift me up like a feather, they are the most prized gift I have received from my transition.

I grew up in a very unemotional family. Practicality, fitting in, playing it safe, logic, were the way of life. As I batteled what I much later recognised as GD during my late teens, twenties and early thirties, I idealised cold logic as the inverse of what I so desperately wanted, but was utterly unable to allow myself.

Characters like Data and the Vulcans from Star Trek suggested that control and denial were a path to conquering the desires I had.

Later I began seeing myself reflected in floored closed-off characters like Dr Gregory House and Johnny Lee Miller's Sherlock Holmes. Separated, outside, maverick, isolated.

Be it simply and finally just giving myself permission to have and display emotions,  by the power of HRT, or some combination, the most important thing I wanted to gain from my transition, emotion, has been everything I wanted and more.

Learning to live with and process these has been and still is hard. They are often overwhelming for me, the bad ones and the good ones; but they hold an inifite depth, clarity and resolution that nothing else can offer.

Money can't buy happiness, because it's priceless [emoji4]. X

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[itsApril]

Same with me.  As months went by on HRT and in the process of social transition, I was surprised by the depth and power of emotions I was experiencing.  Have to admit I was a little bit spooked at first.

It's only in retrospect that I realize how much of my own emotional life I had clamped down on and suppressed while living as a man.  HRT and transition were like opening a door to a different dimension of my character and personality when I hadn't even been aware that the door existed before.

It takes some getting used to.  There are some painful and disquieting aspects.  But it's beautiful and exciting, and I wouldn't go back for anything.

[Donna]

I live my previous life devoid of emotions and feelings. Now I'm being flooded with them, fits of crying and laughing. I cry at happy and I cry at sad and it's truly amazing. I understand thoughts and words so much clearer now and I can feel and understand all the thing my wife has been telling me for years about the way the female brain works. I get it now

[Lynne]

...
Characters like Data and the Vulcans from Star Trek suggested that control and denial were a path to conquering the desires I had.

Later I began seeing myself reflected in floored closed-off characters like Dr Gregory House and Johnny Lee Miller's Sherlock Holmes. Separated, outside, maverick, isolated.
...

I have quite strong feelings under the surface but by applying the strong control I've mastered over the years I appear emotionless to others. In fact I even got recognized officially for my professional behavior in handling a problematic manager. Last year I didn't even cry at my mother's funeral because I was there as a 'man' and I'm not out to the neighbors and relatives living there.

I'm hoping that HRT will loosen that control because I'm making my own life miserable. I fear that if I lose control I will lose everything else as well so I'm hesitant to start HRT, it seems that there is never a good time for it.

[Donna]

Interesting about the funeral, my dad passed in may of 15 and I couldn't cry. What did happen is I heard at the funeral that my childhood molester had died and I actually started laughing. That as far as I can tell was the point my emotions started coming back and my mind started the switch to the female side from the dark side I had been stuck in.
So amazingly powerful emotions are.

[Karen]

Be they good or bad, whether they weigh me down like lead or lift me up like a feather, they are the most prized gift I have received from my transition.

I grew up in a very unemotional family. Practicality, fitting in, playing it safe, logic, were the way of life. As I batteled what I much later recognised as GD during my late teens, twenties and early thirties, I idealised cold logic as the inverse of what I so desperately wanted, but was utterly unable to allow myself.

Characters like Data and the Vulcans from Star Trek suggested that control and denial were a path to conquering the desires I had.

Later I began seeing myself reflected in floored closed-off characters like Dr Gregory House and Johnny Lee Miller's Sherlock Holmes. Separated, outside, maverick, isolated.

Be it simply and finally just giving myself permission to have and display emotions,  by the power of HRT, or some combination, the most important thing I wanted to gain from my transition, emotion, has been everything I wanted and more.

Learning to live with and process these has been and still is hard. They are often overwhelming for me, the bad ones and the good ones; but they hold an inifite depth, clarity and resolution that nothing else can offer.

Money can't buy happiness, because it's priceless [emoji4]. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

This is beautful!  Thank you for sharing and for seeing to good in the highs and lows.  You can't have day without night. 

Karen

[Allison S]

I was always emotional but estrogen connected the dots and lifted the underlying angst of not relating logically as a male with what I feel... if that makes sense. It could be my own sexist views but I'm not sure because emotions now are much more vivid.

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[grrl1nside]

I found it incredibly frustrating to know I felt like crying but faced a barrier that prevented me. The gap between knowing my feeling and the ability to physically access them made me feel awful. I understand it now as something that triggered my dysphoria.

I had been on hrt for a few months and sat down with my partner to watch a movie (My Life Without Me). I was getting to the obvious sad bit and I was shocked that I started sobbing. I was sobbing so loud my partner told me that I would wake the kids. I then started laughing and crying my eyes out for another half hour. My brain felt like it flipped a switch and I found it hard to catch my breath. One of the best nights of my life. Not only could I cry, but I could express multiple emotions at once. It was truly cathartic to erase that barrier and I still have no clue how I didn't wake everyone up.

[Laurie]

I'm hoping that HRT will loosen that control because I'm making my own life miserable. I fear that if I lose control I will lose everything else as well so I'm hesitant to start HRT, it seems that there is never a good time for it.

   Lynne,

  Much like you I have had fairly strong emotions and for the most part was able to control them. However there were time when I had my feelings hurt or though things were so unfair that it did bring out those dreaded tears when I didn't want them. I too developed a control to prevent those feelings from affecting me. It hurts when I remember That I didn't cry over my mom's passing several years ago or even when my son passed away. I felt so bereft of emotion that I felt it was wrong. I loved them both but the tears would not come. It was beyond being a man I was broken.
  My emotions did return somewhat since starting HRT and I did cry over some things like a tear jerker TV series but I still feared being seen as weak. Feared losing that control of myself. So I have reasserted some of that control and believe me it is not really what I want but It is there. I don't seem to be able to turn if off. Sometime the control slips and I can cry and feel alive again but I'm still not free to be me. It is a struggle.

  Emotions, though fear inducing for our male lives is wonderful for our female lives if we can but let them free.

Hugs,
  Laurie
 

[Lynne]

   Lynne,

  Much like you I have had fairly strong emotions and for the most part was able to control them. However there were time when I had my feelings hurt or though things were so unfair that it did bring out those dreaded tears when I didn't want them. I too developed a control to prevent those feelings from affecting me. It hurts when I remember That I didn't cry over my mom's passing several years ago or even when my son passed away. I felt so bereft of emotion that I felt it was wrong. I loved them both but the tears would not come. It was beyond being a man I was broken.
  My emotions did return somewhat since starting HRT and I did cry over some things like a tear jerker TV series but I still feared being seen as weak. Feared losing that control of myself. So I have reasserted some of that control and believe me it is not really what I want but It is there. I don't seem to be able to turn if off. Sometime the control slips and I can cry and feel alive again but I'm still not free to be me. It is a struggle.

  Emotions, though fear inducing for our male lives is wonderful for our female lives if we can but let them free.

Hugs,
  Laurie

When I'm alone I can usually cry after some time but as soon as somebody is around me the control kicks in and visible emotions stop. Recently, after a long and exhausting day at work I went down to the big office kitchen to get something. As soon as I entered the dark, big, empty kitchen I started crying, that room was a trigger somehow. I felt so alone, so lost and so weak, my problems seemed so huge, I just couldn't stop crying.. When I heard the security guard I stopped crying almost instantly.
I guess living so long trying to repress all emotions has long lasting effects on us. I hope everyone in the same shoes will feel safe enough at some point in their lives to let go of that control.

[AutumnGurl81]

Really enjoyed reading the OP, and replies which followed. I can definitely say that the emotional side of HRT has been amazing, on both ends of the spectrum. I feel so re-connected to ME. I am more emotional, but not in a crazy or bad way, just able to express my true self and enjoy feelings without a thinking there's something wrong with that. I'm definitely able to cry easier, which at times has been such an amazing release.

Thanks for sharing this!