Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 25, 2018, 10:27:28 PM
Well I told you I would update you on the situation so here it is: He just told me he doesn't want to do this. He wants a man. Period.
I cried my eyes out. It's over. I wish I could say it's also over in my heart but sadly my feelings for him are still there. And I want them dead.
I wish God or whoever made me this way would give me a light or a guidance right now... I'm back to square one.
Love sucks. Transitioning sucks. Days like this I wish it was all over. I wish I had the strength to end it but I can't do that to my mom.
Anyways that's all. End of this story.
Charlie, I'm so sorry for your pain and I can say I can relate.
TL:DR; I don't love my presentation and yet seemingly because I'm finally in tune with my body, I've attracted more lovers and potentials and connected better than I did before. I was also surprised to find that in finally having the correct bits, I'm happier with my body than before and suddenly far more attracted to women with different body types (I used to only go for skinny, preferably small busted women)
I'm glad if you won't end it. I get that but you're right to remember how that would affect people who care for you.
So again, from my situation, my partner of nearly 20 years isn't working out sexually and sadly I can't say it's a huge surprise. After a year post op, 3 weeks ago she finally gave me head ... sort of ... and this last weekend she sort of did again and even said she was getting into it and yet she also made it clear she doesn't want it to be a regular thing. The thing is it's not a huge change, she's always been a somewhat squeamish lover.
So if she's *finally* gotten a little better about gendering me male in her actions in bed; I think it's going to be too little too late for our physical relationship. I'm still going to work on that because you don't stop trying but I also don't care to find myself crying after sex again.
So you're right, transition and love both suck, however I think they also beat the alternatives.
Here's my bright side (in about 8 hours I'll be exactly a year post-op):
First since HRT my emotional side is in such better balance. I'm amazingly better at connecting with women both as friends and now as lovers. My art work has grown in both depth and execution and I'm 100% happy about all of that. Even though my presentation is far from what I'd like, queer women respond to me well and also far better than they did when I was pre-op.
I'm sure I could have made it work without surgery and yet if I had tried that route ... well tried it for longer, rle for me was all about seeing if I'd be ok on just hrt ... I'm pretty sure my GF would still be interested in my <shenis> and I'd still be really unhappy with that.
Here's what I think for you. Honestly men just come equipped from the factory with less emotional depth. And honestly I feel pretty sad for most of the men I know, sure there are the very few who seem to be well adjusted humans (and I'm not saying that well adjusted women are the norm, we have our problems also). Then there are the men I've had to deal with who actually consider themselves to have emotional depth and yet as soon as you scratch that frail masculine ego they switch to either angry / vindictive or simply shutoff communication.
Ob clarification: this isn't an attack on men as a group, rather this has been my experience with men over a lifetime.
I think hetero women and gay men have to accept this (or even be attracted to the relative simplicity of being with males in relationship). Same probably goes for friendships, men and women do relate differently.
For me that simplicity is only skin deep and my difficulties with men came up quickly whenever I scratched past that surface, whether I was relating with them before I realized I was transfeminine. By comparison (and as ever ymmv), I've always found with women getting past the surface needs a bit more work, however once that hurdle has been surmounted, the deeper relationship is far simpler.
So here's where my relationship sits .. well my veiw: My GF and I have been in a socially lesbian relationship for two decades. She's valued having a partner with more emotional depth (and to that point she and I absolutely agree) .. who could still play the role of being heterosexual in a physical relationship. Once that wore too thin I've transitioned and I'm not looking back.
I hope any of that is helpful and again, I'm sad for what you're going through. Hell, I'm sad for what I'm going through, there are still more hard than easy days, I have a huge crush on a woman who seems a stretch to make a lover, a long distance relationship that's filled with missing her presence and my partner where I feel we're understanding each other better with a likely parting coming, probably not soon, and as I said I continue to work on it.
Hugs, S
