How and when should I talk to my spouse

[Lilith.lupe.tamayo]

So here is the deal, at my 28 almost 29 years old I have decided that I want to live as a woman, I want HRT and just thinking about it makes me so happy.

But currently I am married to a woman whom I love. She knows I am trans because like 2 years ago I brought it up. She is pro lgbtq but her reaction was sad, she loves that identify as a woman but told me she still fell in love with the current body and face I have, also she cant take on the struggle that transition would mean. I get her it can't be easy to have  ur male presenting loved one be transgeder. Anyhow I panicked at the thought of losing my life long love and the life I have built so I told her if we could compromise and I wouldn't do HRT because I didn't wanna lose her and I said that at least I wanna be able to be out in lgbtq friendly spaces and in more neutral territories I present as androgenous, except with family were I go completely stealth.

However, now I have reached a point were even if I lose her I dont want to stay in a male body. I want to let my wife know and let her decide what she wants to do about it from her end, but the problem is this. She is an academic so a lot of times she has conferences to travel to and deadlines for publications. Currently she is in s local conference and super busy, and next month she is traveling, I don't want to ruin her career causing her a breakdown in the middle of an important date, so should I wait? I also worry that maybe there is never going to be a perfect timing so maybe the sooner the better.

Also would it be ethical if I start HRT right now even if I haven't had the talk with her? I know the changes are slow so I don't wanna waste time and the effects wouldn't be noticible in just a couple of months right?

So if anyone has any good advise I would really appreciate it

[Donna]

Talking is so important and sooner than later is better. You both need to talk and get your feelings out. Maybe get her to read the book " She's not the man I married" it might help with feelings and ways of handling it. My wife is Reading it and though it's from a younger persons point of view it has given her some comfort.
I started meds with out talking to her and she feels she would have felt better if she had been involved earlier as at 7 months in and her finding out she felt disrespected. She couldn't miss the breast growth and and the huge change in my attitude and temperament. They were all give always that I was up to something

[KathyLauren]

I agree with Donna that sooner is better than later.  Starting HRT before telling her is likely to bite you in the butt later.  If you've got to do it to maintain your sanity, then you've got to do what you've got to do.  But telling her first will make it go more smoothly.

[Lilith.lupe.tamayo]

I definitely agree that the sooner the better, but the thing since she is going away to a conference next month and is in one right now idk if that would just hurt her career I can not imagine her presenting as she deals with this

[Tria]

I have been cross-dressing for most of my life (Since 7) and i am now mid 40's.  I came to understand i was transgender last year and have been going to a Councillor.  I described my situation to the Councillor with what my wife has going on and what i have going on in our lives and my thoughts about when i should talk to her.  (my wife owns her own small company and is thinking of shutting it down as it is not where she thought it would be at this time) and i work in a construction company that is very male dominated so when i come out chances are i will need to find another job as it would be very awkward and not received well, also i have bonuses that come due if i am still with the company later this year. with all these things I felt that i should wait until her company is either sold or shut down and that the bonuses have been paid out to ensure some financial security for both of us.  My therapist agrees, however we have also put in goalposts that if things change/advance that i will tell her earlier, some of those being her company resolves sooner, or that i can no longer hide who i truly am and need to let her out.  I have talked to my GP and he is sending a referral to an endo and my thoughts would be that i start HRT in January after everything has been resolved, i think even if the goalposts move that might still be the best time for me to start that process and to start the RLE.
There will never be an ideal time, and i realize that however i do not want to overwhelm her when she is going through so much as it is.  I have told a couple close friends and they are very supportive and they do not interact with my wife and will hold my confidence until i can tell her myself.
I am not looking forward to it or the talk to my father (My mother has already passed on) but i do know it will need to be done.
So after all that rambling i guess i am saying i understand where you are coming from and give you big hugz and let you know i am here if you want to talk.

[Anne Blake]

I have to suggest that you discuss it with your wife before you begin hrt. If there is hope of keeping your relationship it will be better if she feels that she has voice in it and surprising her later will almost certainly create problems. As for when to have that discussion, you are 28 going on 29. Waiting the month or so for her to get through her presentations and conferences and have the ease of stress from getting them done will allow her to have time and bandwidth to absorb and process what you want to talk about. One more month is not a big burden on beginning a long slow paced journey. It will not set you back on your development. Though it will seem forever, it may be time well waited for the potential of keeping your mate. Which ever path you choose, good luck with it.

Tia Anne

[Lilith.lupe.tamayo]

Yea I have decided to wait and definitely won't start HRT without telling her. But to be honest Im very scared and at the same time I don't wanna waste more time.

[Donna]

You have to do what is best for you and that is a big decision or your behalf. I was lucky and dodged the big D bullet. My wife has decided that our love and caring for each other outweighs the challenges I created. It has been a tense 4 months since I came out to her and so much has changed. She sees how happy I am and how much nicer all around I have become and she likes it. I really hope for and wish everyone else on this journey the same kind of happiness and acceptance I have from my wife.

[Lady Love]

Yea I have decided to wait and definitely won't start HRT without telling her. But to be honest Im very scared and at the same time I don't wanna waste more time.

I met the love of my life in college while I was dating a girl I barely liked. I knew the relationship wasnt going anywhere but I didn't want to end it cause I was cared I would hurt her (perhaps scared to risk it on real love?) So i dated her for three months and then went away for summer break and came back and I have been dating ceci for 3.5 years.

I know your situation is a lot more tricky, but all I mean is I am 23 and those six months where I was sitting in waiting for my love were agonizing. Especially seeing her everyday and knowing its what I wanted all along. So its a good idea to weigh your options. But if I had to carry such a heavy secret, especially the relationship worries you have, it would be a long month. I wouldn't make the decision to wait to talk to my SO again.

I hope it goes well for you, love. Don't forget, you are the one who said you can't keep living like this so you know best whether or not you can wait or not. Just don't let your own care fall by the wayside for others. Its a loving but sometimes unproductive habit.

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