Ugh. I am almost getting physically ill for saying this and the waterworks are already starting so please please bear with me if this is a convoluted emotional mess but I am curious if anyone can understand what I am feeling cause it sure has hell makes no sense to me.
Okay, so I am physically male, however since I have been very very small ... my earliest remembrance being actually in preschool I have always .. er I dunno how to put it... wanted to be a girl? Felt like I was one? Was interested in all the usual girl things. Not sure the right wording for it. I played with other girls and I was happy, and I always felt nervous around other boys. Not physically intimidated or anything. I just wanted really nothing to do with them. I hated sports, I loathed basically any kind of rough activity, I liked to read, I liked to do art, I was interested in fashion, used to play dress up when my mother and brother weren't around. Probably the most "manly" activity I did as a kid was riding my bike but I mean that certainly isn't gender specific and I mostly did it to get away from everyone else.
As I got older I mostly kind of withdrew into books and stuff. I didn't have alot of friends because in the kind of area I live in (Rural Texas) teen girls and teen boys don't really hang out outside of dating so I spent alot of time to myself and thinking. I am a spiritual person, religiously speaking I am shamanic thanks to my native american grandfather's influence and so I meditate and spend alot of time talking to spirits and also examining my own and I also rely heavily on my feelings. When I picture myself in my mind, I see a girl. When I hear my internal voice, its female, even though outside I couldn't be any farther from it. Puberty hit me like a truck and I am 6'4" very broad-shouldered, with narrow hips and no butt (if you can't tell, a fact I am not very happy about). High School was hard for me because I was a loner. I was also sexually confused but we will get to that in a bit. Need to get some other stuff discussed first.
Now cut ahead to college where I went to art school. The Art Insititute of Houston to be exact. I studied graphic design and computer animation with the intent of becoming a character artist. It was during this period that I first started noticing conflicts within myself. Whenever I was required to or just wanted to make a character I always defaulted to female. Same thing when i used to play RPGs with my friends (D&D and such) .. my mind naturally wanted me to play female characters (surprisingly awkward.. you would think more gamers would have an open mind).. also, when we would have life drawing classes and we would have male models... I would actually feel a little repulsed. I used to get dragged out with some of my college friends to after-hours places on weekends and being the quiet awkward one while they chatted I would people watch in the club. Not sure how the thought even entered my head but I started thinking about sexuality, and attraction and who was I interested in so I would watch people coming and going and noting (yes i know odd) how my body responded and I realized that I felt literally nothing for men. I could from an almost artistic standpoint look at a guy and go "wow he's really handsome" .. but felt nothing desire wise. However, when i saw a beautiful woman it was like my body went into overload and my brain shut down. It wasn't just simple attraction either... because it was this weirdly mixed feeling of wanting to be with her, and also be her. I would at times feel jealous.
Now we come to the weirdness (yeah cause that was all normal before).. first I have to relay two fast stories that aren't extremely pleasant but then I have never actually felt scarred by them so its not as bad as it maybe seems. See I have been twice in my life molested. The first was when i was 11. My brother was supposed to be babysitting me, but had a party with a bunch of his friends. I would like to blame him for me being in the hall closet but honestly, as I have also had social anxiety my entire life in truth it was a place for me to hide. My brother is 8 years older than me, and so his friends were all late teens. Anyways a girl he knew I guess.. hell I still don't know who she was. I remember vaguely her name was short but its been so long I forgot it .. anyways she found me in there .. supposedly cause she was "checking on me" and she was trying to "comfort me" because I was scared but the way she went about that was to stick her hand down my pants and kiss me on the lips. Now technically she was molesting me. Hell if she was my brother's age she was committing statutory rape, but I mean I was scared and confused but didn't hate it. I never even told my mother about it till like 10 years later. In my mind, this was a strange, fairly pretty (least as I remembered) girl who was "caring for me" even when my own brother didn't check on me.
The second time I was molested if you can even call it that was in college. I used to have a long walk between my apartment and school. Well I had met this dude who lived in my apartment complex who offered to give me a ride because he worked basically at the end of the street my school was on and had seen me walking everyday. Now, yes, this was stupid of me to accept, but I did. First couple times it was nothing. Just a ride, we talked, he seemed kinda cool, however on the third trip, like 2 miles from drop off, he without any warning sticks his hand in my lap and starts massaging my crotch. I feel like any dude dude would of like fought back or punched him or yelled at least, but for some reason all I did was turn my head to look out the window and let him. However, like I said, guys don't do anything for me and even he noticed my ugly bits were not responding and he even said "Doesn't that feel good" which I think I said like "Yeah its fine" or something equally awkward. Rest of the way we rode in silence, he dropped me off and from that day forward I avoided him like the plague.
So okay that all alot and cluttered thoughts... anyways, so yeah basically ugh. Um how to lay it all out. I believe with zero doubt that my spirit is female. I don't doubt it for a second. My mind screams out that i wish I was a girl. My body however is ugly. And I am terrified of the concept of transitioning because I would never feel like a woman. On top of that... I am 100% only attracted to women. I am in fact as I have eluded to kind of repulsed by the male form, which for me i think is party as I have never had a strong male influence in my life, and I hate my own body so I don't want to look at others. I also don't like being around other men. At all in fact. i word it was my hackles rise when i am around males and I feel kinda flight or flighty, whereas I am completely comfortable around women. Ugh this is turning out so disorganized and stupid. Add to the weirdness that despite being repulsed by pretty much everything normally associated as masculine I am also fascinated with pre-op t-girls. Oh also because I am so repulsed by my body I can't date or even think about it so I am functionally asexual even though i am actually attracted to and turned on by girls.
Someone please tell me what am I? I am so confused.
