Wanting FFS while having a partner that doesn't want to prioritize it

[lessproductive]

So I'm extremely frustrated, I'm twenty eight looking to save for FFS and my partner hasn't been the most empathetic towards my need to get this surgery. Yes, he understand it's important to me, but he wants me to be financial practical first. Saving for things we need before diving into saving for my surgery. I just feel so far behind, I know it doesn't matter where you start, but I really want to close this chapter of my life. I want more than anything to be able to navigate under the radar. To be known and respect as a cisgender female without the stigma. It's a literal obsession for me to pass. It's hard for me to just wait. I'm just overwhelmed at the moment. I'm without my insurance at the moment, I need to sign up for coverage through the market. I'm set to start a warehouse job that pays at $14 an hour, which should be really nice, I'm hoping to be able to reach my goal a bit faster. I just hate that this is so far out of reach for me! I have house to pay off on and I need to save for a new car for both my husband and me. I just have a lot on my plate and my mind is going in a bunch of directions.

[Allison S]

I know how you feel. I'll be 28 in June and not even a year on hrt yet. I also don't have a job right now. I really want ffs too and have a consultation in July. I feel stuck like you because of finances and also other reasons too (too early on hrt and no where near passing yet). It's really all consuming at times. Sorry I'm not giving much advice it's just I really relate. I do think even if I had transitioned pre "male puberty" I would still not be happy with my nose because I fell and broke it when I was very young. It's just a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions for me

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

Hello lessproductive,  I read your informative first posting and I personally don't have the experience to answer your questions but there will be lots of others here that can share similar stories and outcomes with you.
Thank you for joining Susan's Place...  I see that you are new here and have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting. 

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others about your transition and to read about others transitions and their trials, tribulations, and successes in their transition journey. 
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have a successful moment in your journey you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Northern Star Girl]

Oh, and another thing lessproductive,  ... please be certain to look over the important and informative LINKS that I posted at the end of my welcome message to you...   there you will find how to best utilize the Susan's Place site and the Forums.

****IMPORTANT:  So that many of the members will know that you are a new member here, and therefore you will receive more give and take ... and sharing experiences,
please stop by the Introductions Forum to tell the members here about yourself!

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place!  Thanks for joining.
Danielle

[Devlyn]

Smart partner.

Welcome to Susan's Place, lessproductive. Most of us give up the new car in favour of our surgeries, not food and a place to live. Good luck on this journey.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Doreen]

Welcome.  Alot of this is about priorities.  Keep in mind we live in a VERY appearance based society.  If you don't look good, you won't get the promotions, you most often won't even get the 2nd interview for the job.  It can be very very hard to obtain gainful employment if you don't look nice.  FFS can alter your chances significantly in the positive direction. 

It has nothing to do with work ethics, personal referals, previous experiences.. in the female world a lot of your hiring is based solely on looks alone.  To deny it is to deny tons of evidence pointing this simple value out (for better or worse).

It often becomes a catch 22 for many.  Can't get the job because you can't pass. Can't get ffs because you can't get a job or hold one).  Can't pass because you can't get ffs.  Vicious cycle.   So get ANY job... and save every penny.   Get rid of your cell phone.  Go online at the library.  Don't buy that new dress you really really would love to have. Thrift stores are your friend!  Scrimp, save, and put away.  Avoid 'rainy day' problems because eventually the money gets used up quickly as there are many 'rainy day' scenarios.. except the obvious ones like cars and a roof.

I too live with someone that was less than enthusiastic about me getting FFS.  They ended up spending 10k on a shop that went bust anyways.. so I said F* it (fudge of course) I'm getting FFS.   It was the one demand I put .. the only one.. on our relationship.  My partner did not like it at all, and it did cause a strain financially.  However once it was done, they readily admitted it helped me look better.  I'm now the 'trophy wife'. 

If in the end they aren't supportive at all?  There are choices to be made, difficult ones.  And I'm not sure I'd be right in telling you what to do.. that is only something you can conclude.  I hope I have helped a little

[Curious]

I'm in the exact same boat. I turn 28 this month and FFS seems a world away, and this chapter needs to close, and the people I've dated haven't seemed very sympathetic either. They call it superficial and shallow.

I need to note that I've always noticed a different tune is sang when said trans girl is young, vs our age. Like a 18-22 year old trans girl wants FFS, and it's almost positive their partner will approve and help. But a 28 year old? Suddenly superficial and shallow. It's how people see us tied to our age and what role we should be embracing for the maturity of our age. Younger ages are more allowed to be about looks, while older are expected to be about stuff like "the bigger picture". Which almost 9/10 times doesn't involve our needs.

[krobinson103]

I'm in the exact same boat. I turn 28 this month and FFS seems a world away, and this chapter needs to close, and the people I've dated haven't seemed very sympathetic either. They call it superficial and shallow.

I need to note that I've always noticed a different tune is sang when said trans girl is young, vs our age. Like a 18-22 year old trans girl wants FFS, and it's almost positive their partner will approve and help. But a 28 year old? Suddenly superficial and shallow. It's how people see us tied to our age and what role we should be embracing for the maturity of our age. Younger ages are more allowed to be about looks, while older are expected to be about stuff like "the bigger picture". Which almost 9/10 times doesn't involve our needs.

Not to disagree with your perspective, but I'd like to offer another. As a parent to two kids 6 and 11 (43 myself) I spend as little on transition as possible because, at least at my stage in life, the priority is on the kids. That means I probably won't get srs, or any other surgery beyond orchie and thats free where I am. I'm ok with this as kids are definitely a higher priority than looking nicer or having a vagina when I don't really need one.

[Curious]

Yes but OP and another here are all 28 like me, and have different priorities. Thank you for your perspective. Personally I don't have kids and I never can. I think at 27-28 or so, we do have a bit of a difference compared to 40+ with kids, but I totally do understand and I would do the same if I was in your shoes. Kids would be priority obviously.

Not to disagree with your perspective, but I'd like to offer another. As a parent to two kids 6 and 11 (43 myself) I spend as little on transition as possible because, at least at my stage in life, the priority is on the kids. That means I probably won't get srs, or any other surgery beyond orchie and thats free where I am. I'm ok with this as kids are definitely a higher priority than looking nicer or having a vagina when I don't really need one.

[Allison S]

Honestly I didn't start transitioning on hrt until after I turned 27. I always was busy and I did fine in other parts of my life, I guess. As for being transgender, that was a big part I ignored. I'm single and I just do everything for myself. I don't really get questioned on things. Especially not ffs. But I can see how being in a serious relationship that decision can be different. Also, and I'm assuming, you already pass and live your life the way you want so ffs has a different meaning.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[PurplePelican]

There's seems to be this concept that "No FFS + No Passing" in this thread and others.. It's bull->-bleeped-<-. Many of us do quite well without it - maybe that's something some of you need to think about, particularly the OP.

OP, you said yourself, you have a mortgage to pay and a new car loan on your plate, do you really think now is the time to be diverting funds from that to surgery? And this will make me unpopular - surgery that is wholly cosmetic. And I say that as someone who in the last 8 years since I came out, has seen maybe 2 people who actually needed FFS, beyond their own vanity.

[krobinson103]

There's seems to be this concept that "No FFS + No Passing" in this thread and others.. It's bull->-bleeped-<-. Many of us do quite well without it - maybe that's something some of you need to think about, particularly the OP.

OP, you said yourself, you have a mortgage to pay and a new car loan on your plate, do you really think now is the time to be diverting funds from that to surgery? And this will make me unpopular - surgery that is wholly cosmetic. And I say that as someone who in the last 8 years since I came out, has seen maybe 2 people who actually needed FFS, beyond their own vanity.

I agree with this to a degree. There is no hard and fast rule that a women looks like... THIS. Its about the whole package. Unless you have neanderthal brows or something silly its really not needed to pass.

[MissyMay2.0]

There's seems to be this concept that "No FFS + No Passing" in this thread and others.. It's bull->-bleeped-<-. Many of us do quite well without it - maybe that's something some of you need to think about, particularly the OP.

OP, you said yourself, you have a mortgage to pay and a new car loan on your plate, do you really think now is the time to be diverting funds from that to surgery? And this will make me unpopular - surgery that is wholly cosmetic. And I say that as someone who in the last 8 years since I came out, has seen maybe 2 people who actually needed FFS, beyond their own vanity.

Sorry, but I disagree; FFS has helped a lot of trans women pass who wouldn't have been able to without it; in fact there are a lot of trans women who would not have transitioned without it. The fact is is that testosterone causes facial bone growth that cannot be reversed with any amount of estrogen, and it also causes soft tissue growth (e.g., nose, distance between upper lip and base of nose) that cannot be changed by estrogen replacement therapy. If a trans women begins HRT early enough the bone growth can be stopped earlier, and may negate the need for FFS, but some trans women have a lot of testosterone production during puberty, so even if they start HRT at a young age they may still need FFS in order to pass. 

And to say that FFS is cosmetic is your opinion and you are entitled to it, but I strongly disagree, and I think a lot of other trans women would also. 

I do agree that FFS alone will not guarantee that someone will pass; we need to present the full package (eg., voice, mannerisms, the way we walk and move in general, etc.); however, if done correctly, FFS does allow a lot of trans women to look in the mirror and see the woman we always knew we were looking back every time all of the time; and I submit that that isn't vanity, it's contentment, peace, and harmony 😊

[Curious]

OP I think you should ultimately take a hard look at the numbers and what is realistic, and offer a reasonable plan based on the funds you can generate. Like something half way, and then finish up later, or maybe plan for it down the road and put money aside. Why isn't your husband paying mortgage or anything? Is he? Why is everything so weighed heavily on your shoulders and why are they against it? Where does their money go?