Introducing...well...me!

[IsabelleStPierre]

Greetings Everyone,

I just joined the boards today and thought I would take a moment to introduce myself . I'm sure that my story is much like a lot of people who come here, and yet it's unique to me...so here goes!

My name is Isabelle St-Pierre and I am a MTF transsexual. I knew something wasn't right when my parents brought home my baby sister when I was 4 years old and I believe that is the first time I realized there were actually differences between boys and girls . To say I was crushed would be an understatement! But alas, it's not exactly a topic of conversation that one brings up at the dinner table is it? "Mom, dad, why am I boy??" I can see how that one would go!

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old and my mother remarried when I was 8...and I suddenly found myself with two older sisters just a bit older then me. It was also the time frame that I started to sneak clothes from the laundry to wear. We had a dog that had a habit of getting clothes out of the laundry hamper...so that actually worked to my advantage...the poor dog got blamed for all sorts of things going missing from the hamper...to my knowledge no one ever caught on...at least to my knowledge. Luckily I was never caught...my step father was a rather abusive person and I can only image the beating I would have gotten had he caught me dressed in my sister's clothes.

My mother and step-father divorced when I was 11 and we moved to Los Angeles. It would be a couple years later that my mother, a single parent working her ass off to raise us let me start to buy my own clothes...what she didn't know was that they all started coming from the girls department...well...not at first! Starting at the age of 13 I crossed-dressed about 90% of the time and would frequently go to school as a girl. To say this caused me some problems...but it didn't stop me from dressing the way I felt comfortable...even if it did cause me to get beat-up, verbally abused, etc. on a frequent basis...I was just being me.

At the age of 15 as puberty started to take hold I was horrified by the changes I saw taking place. Living in Los Angeles it's not too difficult to get drugs of any type...except, as I found, for estrogen...guess there wasn't a huge demand for that! Not to be deterred I arranged to get some estrogen from a drug store in Tijuana...and I entered into the world of DIY hormones for the first time (and not the last). For the most part I never developed into that typical teenage boy...I graduated high school at 5'8", 110 pounds and a size 0...not exactly the masculine image people associate with teen boys! I also never developed an Adam's Apple, large feet or hands...so I guess I could say that things turned out well in that area...

I then did something rather stupid ...I went into denial ! Cross-dressing always remained a large part of my life and caused many a fight in my marriage (which is now ended)...and I found I could not give up taking hormones so I almost always maintained a low dosage of hormones even while in denial...

Fast forward to today. I am now living full-time as Isabelle and have been back on HRT for the past year. It's been a costly transition in that I have lost my marriage of 7 years and currently haven't seen 3 of my 4 kids for months now . My family took the news well...my sister was like "It's about damn time!" and my father took it well to. My mother is having a more difficult time with it and while she says she's trying to understand...I am not welcome at her home...

I am for perhaps the first time in my life actually happy and don't hate to look at myself in the mirror. It had gotten to the point of transition or die as I have attempted suicide 5 times in my life over my gender problems...three times just this past year...Since I never really developed into a male (I never actually made it out of the boys department) it's a blessing. I'm 5'8", 130 pounds, 34B-26-35, a size 3/4/5 depending on the manufacture and a woman's size 7 1/2 shoe...I make a much better woman then I ever did a male.....

Well, there you have it...perhaps not in a nutshell...but a condensed version still.

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[Christo]

welcome to susans place Isabelle

[cjennyb]

Wow Isabelle, I just loved your story.

I often dreamed my story would go somewhat like yours, but no such luck.

I feel sorry about your marriage and kids, but it sounds like you are finally on the right track.

Suicide is no longer the only solution to our problem.  There are so many great alternatives.

We all envy your weight and measurements, (and your age).

Any help you need is just a fingertip away. Just ask.


Jenny

[Wing Walker]

Hello, Isabelle, and welcome to Susan's!

This is a great place to learn and to share what you have learned, so don't be shy about posting.

Always remember to be proud of who you truly are and be the best "her" that you can be.

Wing Walker

[cindybc]

Hi Isabelle, welcome to Susan's Place feel free to share whatever you feel you need to. You are also welcomed to ask questions I am certain someone will grace you with a response.

Merry Christmas

Cindy

[IsabelleStPierre]

Hello All,

Thanks everyone for the welcome...it's always nice to know others are out there.

Not to worry about myself making myself at home...I tend to be a prolific poster...

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[Shana A]

Welcome Isabelle, nice to see you here.

zythyra

[Jaiden]

Welcome Isabelle!! 

[IsabelleStPierre]

Welcome Isabelle!! 

Welcome Isabelle, nice to see you here.

zythyra

Thank you both for welcoming me! It's been great and I am glad to have found this place...only wish I had found it a long time ago!

I am making myself at home and hope not too much of a pest...I tend to be a rather prolific poster Always seem to have something to say! Guess that's why I run over 12 blogs now...now if I could just figure out to make money blogging.....

Anyway, thanks for the welcome!

Peace and love,
Izzy

[Pica Pica]

hello you, you aren't kidding are you about the prolificness?

[IsabelleStPierre]

hello you, you aren't kidding are you about the prolificness?

Oh...my...I'm hurt...cut too the bone...just what are you trying to say?? (That's rhetorical by the way ) And I'm sick right now...not even functioning close to tip-top form...oh well all kidding aside...thanks for the comments.

Peace and love,
Izzy

[Pica Pica]

45 posts in a few days, i'm just glad we're not in the same room - would wear your jaw out. 

[Sarah]

WOW.
I've been meaning to ask you:
A couple of things.
One: how do you do your eyebrows?
Two: I hope my skin looks as nice as yours by the time I am done transitioning.
Three: did you have facial hair? If not, you're so lucky.
And wow.
seiously.
You look like a model.
I am sooo jealous.
Oh well. Soon enough.
I am very impressed though.
Both by how well you have transitioned, and by starting in highschool.
I couldn't, my parrents were freaking out about the clothes as it was.
Didn't your parrents find out?
I mean, as soon as my mom found the stash, On came the therapy.
God. I hated it. All I wanted to do was be me.
That's so amazing that you did it at school.
I probably would've been expelled if I tried that at my school.
I would have been willing to get beat up for it though.
What held me back was my school and my parrents.
So I don't get it, didn't your school call your parrents?
And if they did, your mom must be really cool or somthing.
I heard about what happened to you on your birthday. I am really sorry. *hugs*
That's so amazing though. I was yelled at so much for being me.
I had a really abusive parrent in this regard. Psychologically so.
Lots of guilt tripping and manipulation and abuse of Psychology and Drugs.

Yeah, they tried to medicate the trans out of me.

OMG. you are so amazing to have been able to do that.
I wanted to so bad. I hated living with my mom and her boyfriend/husband.
They once pinned me down, handcuffed me, tied me up and took me to the ER after they found my stash of cloths.
The ER wasn't having any of it, I was so upset (at them for them doing that), but not suicidal/crazy/gonna hurt myself or anyone. My parrents were SO annoyed. They wanted me in a psych ward for being trans.
OMG you are soo lucky.
I would have traded for a life like yours if I could.

-Thank you so much for sharing.
Love Sara

[Jay]

Welcome to susans!

[IsabelleStPierre]

WOW.
I've been meaning to ask you:
A couple of things.
One: how do you do your eyebrows?
Two: I hope my skin looks as nice as yours by the time I am done transitioning.
Three: did you have facial hair? If not, you're so lucky.
And wow.
seiously.
You look like a model.
I am sooo jealous.
Oh well. Soon enough.
I am very impressed though.
Both by how well you have transitioned, and by starting in highschool.
I couldn't, my parrents were freaking out about the clothes as it was.
Didn't your parrents find out?
I mean, as soon as my mom found the stash, On came the therapy.
God. I hated it. All I wanted to do was be me.
That's so amazing that you did it at school.
I probably would've been expelled if I tried that at my school.
I would have been willing to get beat up for it though.
What held me back was my school and my parrents.
So I don't get it, didn't your school call your parrents?
And if they did, your mom must be really cool or somthing.
I heard about what happened to you on your birthday. I am really sorry. *hugs*
That's so amazing though. I was yelled at so much for being me.
I had a really abusive parrent in this regard. Psychologically so.
Lots of guilt tripping and manipulation and abuse of Psychology and Drugs.

Yeah, they tried to medicate the trans out of me.

OMG. you are so amazing to have been able to do that.
I wanted to so bad. I hated living with my mom and her boyfriend/husband.
They once pinned me down, handcuffed me, tied me up and took me to the ER after they found my stash of cloths.
The ER wasn't having any of it, I was so upset (at them for them doing that), but not suicidal/crazy/gonna hurt myself or anyone. My parrents were SO annoyed. They wanted me in a psych ward for being trans.
OMG you are soo lucky.
I would have traded for a life like yours if I could.

-Thank you so much for sharing.
Love Sara

Hey Sara,

I usually have my eyebrows done at the salon, waxed to keep them nice and neat. I usually only need to have it done once a month at most and pluck between visits to my stylist. I started shaping my brows at 14 with the help of my oldest sister...so I've never really given it too much thought until you asked!

I've never had much facial hair or body hair so I guess I'm lucky in that aspect of things. Genetics does help there too, my father isn't very hairy either and I'm sure starting HRT at 15 played a factor in it too. What little I did have I had removed by electrolysis years ago. HRT and removing my facial hair helped with my skin...small pores are one of the affects of HRT and I do use a daily regime to help keep my complexion clear and even.

Thank for the comments on my appearance, just good genes and starting early. I had some professional pictures done recently, but usually end up going back to that grainy picture phone image and I have been considering removing that since people seem to get hung up by appearances sometime and completely miss what I have written...

Actually I started expressing my self regularly at the age of 13, when my mother gave control of buying my own clothes over to me. At first I kept things rather neutral as not to draw too much attention to my clothes from others...my mother included. My sister's on the other hand seemed to pick up on it right away, but to my knowledge never mentioned it to my mother. Now, what you must understand is that my mother is an alcoholic and was normally drunk not too long after returning home from work, this worked both for and against me growing up; the good was that I could basically do what ever I wanted without her noticing...the bad was that I would have really liked to have a mother...

It was 8th grade that I made the switch of presenting female full time, and yes that did cause problems with my school. I was lucky though in that I grew up in Los Angeles and while my particular school hadn't dealt with a transgender student, other schools in the system had. I can't remember if they attempted to contact my mother or not about it, but she wasn't very good at noticing much of anything going on around her; if she knew (and I'm sure she had to) she never once said anything to me about it. Now the biggest problem the school gave me was the usually stink about bathrooms and locker rooms and the fact that I didn't have a regular therapist who had made a GID diagnosis. Luckily...they let the GID diagnosis from a doctor go because there were other cases within the school system where that had been waived...now, mind you that 8th and 9th grade in the LA school system fall into the realm of junior high with high school going 10 - 12...which meant that when I moved on to high school I had all of the same battles to fight once again...but more on that in a moment.

The summer break between 8th and 9th grade was when I started to take hormones. Now, mind you that I was doing it myself at that time (and yes...Susan's Place cannot condone the practice of DIY hormones...so no dosage info will be given or too many specifics)...OK...now that the disclaimer is out of the way...because of my previous school year and the school having to make some accommodations for me, a local support group became aware of me and came to my aid...another nice thing about living in LA...there are lots of trans people there already. Now I discovered that illegal hormones were not all that prevalent in the drug community...but the trans community was another story. A trans friend that I had made told me of a number of places in Mexico just across the boarder where you could purchase hormones and you could trust that they were the real thing. One day during summer break she took me down to San Diego, we took the red car to the boarder and walked across the boarder (yes I was a minor and yes my friend could have gotten into a ton of trouble...but hey...she was a minor too...only 17)...anyway I purchased 6-months worth of hormones for a song (Spanish is my third language and I can bargain like a Guatemalan...long story for another post).

So, before I returned to school that fall for 9th grade I had already been on hormones for 2-months. The affects were rather significant in just that short time...most likely because of my age more than anything...I wasn't taking a high dose at that time. At the beginning of 9th grade I already was passable for the most part, but by the end of 9th grade I had no problems passing at all...frequently used the girls bathroom without problems or anything...my biggest problems at school was dealing with those who knew me before I transitioned...some people can be real jerks and while for the most part it was only a handful of people who gave me problems they gave me problems on an almost daily basis...

My sisters actually helped me throughout my teens and seemed to be cool with it. I learned tons from my sisters, and all through out hight school I actually hung with girls all the time...guess they felt safe around me...go figure...and when the guys weren't busy abusing me in some form...they usually were pumping me for information on the girls I hung with...it was sort of funny at times!

As for the rapes...well...those things happen and we just have to deal as best we can and move forward...which as you may have guessed from some of my posts isn't always easy.

Don't base your wanting to be on my apperances...please...I would never wish my life on someone else; passing while great isn't the end all be all......there are things in my past that would send most sane people running, screaming and searching for a therapist...

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[Sarah]

Wow.
Thank you for sharing that.
That's amazing.