Internalized transphobia and social transitioning

[justarandomname2]

Sorry if this is triggering or not the place to post this.

I was wondering if anyone is choosing not to socially transition even after being on hrt for a long period of time.  I've been on hrt for about 3 years and I still struggle with internalized transphobia which I feel is keeping me from going further into my transition. 

I want to socially transition but I can't seem to get over that fear of being outed or called out.  In fact, when I get called miss or ma'am when I go out as a guy, I have a habit of correcting people and it's almost reflexive.

I keep my hair short, don't really do my brows too much, wear guy clothes to hide my figure (still built like a 2x4 for the most part  ) and still talk in my guy voice and use my male mannerisms that I've perfected after all these years, lol. 

I want to just go out and be me but omg.....I can't, not sure what's stopping me.

[Dani]

Transphobia is a bitter pill to swallow. 

I know, because that was me for over 50 years. Self acceptance is the single most important item that allowed me to make a decision to transition or not. When you are secure in your own self, you are not overly concerned about the opinions of others. This is not to say that I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I know that some people are accepting and others, not so much. The important thing is that I accept myself.

The first few years of transition were the most difficult as there were many humiliating experiences of being miss gendered. Now it hardly ever happens. Since you are being miss gendered now before you socially transitioned, I feel confident in saying that you should have little problem after transition. The question for you is, will you accept yourself, given all the limitations involved in transition?

[KathyLauren]

Have you tried presenting as female and going out in public?  A safe place is a support group, if you have one.

When I first started attending group sessions, I dressed male.  After a couple of meetings, I started dressing androgynously: women's clothes, but ambiguous enough that they could be taken for men's.  After a couple of months, I started dressing in unambiguously female clothes.  The walk from the parking lot to the meeting room was a little nerve-wracking at first, but I quickly realized that I was not attracting a lot of attention, and nobody really gave a poop.  That was great for building the self-confidence.

Shortly before I planned to go full-time, I spent a day in the city dressed as Kathy.  I interacted with store clerks and waiters, including joking about my identity when my dead name came up on one store's computer.  It was all good, and the last of my fears were gone.

I have been full-time for a year (exactly, today), and, in that time, absolutely nothing bad has happened.  I have gotten a few stares across crowded rooms, but I just assume they are admiring my fabulousness.  No one has hassled me about my bathroom choices.  Few people deadname me or misgender me, and they usually correct themselves quickly.  I feel totally accepted as a woman.

The only way through a wall of fire is to step into it and then keep going.

[LeahJoFoxtrot]

Sorry if this is triggering or not the place to post this.

I was wondering if anyone is choosing not to socially transition even after being on hrt for a long period of time.  I've been on hrt for about 3 years and I still struggle with internalized transphobia which I feel is keeping me from going further into my transition. 

I want to socially transition but I can't seem to get over that fear of being outed or called out.  In fact, when I get called miss or ma'am when I go out as a guy, I have a habit of correcting people and it's almost reflexive.

I keep my hair short, don't really do my brows too much, wear guy clothes to hide my figure (still built like a 2x4 for the most part  ) and still talk in my guy voice and use my male mannerisms that I've perfected after all these years, lol. 

I want to just go out and be me but omg.....I can't, not sure what's stopping me.

I'm on my iPad which makes it a little hard to type but I just wanted to let you know that even after 4 years on HRT and 3 years being full time, I still, on rare occasion have a weird almost incongruent feeling when someone addresses me as female. I am almost 95% convinced it is internalized transphobia or even internalized misogyny that makes me feel that way. I know it is right for people to call me "Miss" or "Ma'am" but even now it still seems like it sometimes doesn't quite fit. I am working with my therapist on this.

That said, taking steps to transition on anyone's schedule but your own is not a good thing. You'll know when you are ready. If you have been raised to be masculine, in my opinion it becomes the most comfortable for a person to be masculine by default (unless the person has strong enough dysphoria to overcome their male social conditioning, to "allow" themselves to look / act feminine.

The city I was living it was very LGBT friendly so I took a chance and went to a gay bar wearing a bra stuffed with whatever I could find. I wore a little makeup, I think i did mascara, eyeliner, and lipstick. I wore the most feminine looking guy sweater I could find. I was terrified and I only went there and no where else. Gradually I found myself and I still finding myself. After all this time I am still learning to "allow" feminine gestures and mannerisms to surface that were suppressed over the last almost 40 years.

Take care of yourself hun and work with your therapist. You will know when the time is right.

[justarandomname2]

@ Dani

I agree, accepting yourself is the most important part of the process.  I guess I just have no idea how to do that.  I've always wondered about how people that grew up one way eventually learned to let go of that past and allow themselves to be....themselves.  I find I'm still acting, everyday, an actor living a fake life and it's quite draining.  I really am amazed at you and others that are able to do something I'm still struggling with.

@ KathyLauren

I've gone out in public in girl mode twice in the last few months and to be honest, it didn't feel great....I think I was pretty unnoticeable, or hope I was.  Although nothing happened, there wasn't a whole lot of excitement or anything, just fear and total discomfort of being found out. I'm told I can pass quite easily but I don't see it. I just see all my guy features screaming out at me.

I really admire women like yourself, who can brave all that and live the way you want to.

@ LeahJoFoxTrot

That said, taking steps to transition on anyone's schedule but your own is not a good thing. You'll know when you are ready. If you have been raised to be masculine, in my opinion it becomes the most comfortable for a person to be masculine by default (unless the person has strong enough dysphoria to overcome their male social conditioning, to "allow" themselves to look / act feminine.

This is so me, I was raised ultra masculine, any sign of femininity was beaten out of me at a young age and being gay or fem was a huge no no. lol, quite a conundrum to be in, where social conditioning is vying for dominance within oneself. The safe choice or the scary choice.

I'll be honest, living is such a nuisance, I can't wait until this is all done, lol.

[Lady Love]

My internalized transphobia (or perhaps the cisgender version of white guilt?) Kept me from realizing I was trans. A trans person with extreme dysphoria said the porn i read where men turned into women fetishized trans people. I never stopped my consumption but became very ashamed. I knew my feelings but in comparison did not think I could be a "real" transperson. After i came out to my girlfriend i showed her some comics and was embrassed but i said i wanted to be those people and longed to be a woman. She told me i had no reason to feel shame.

I feel like that moment where i stopped being ashamed was important because i truly accepted my gender and more importantly my sexuality in relationship to my gender. Now i feel like a woman a lot of the time, even when nobody else sees me as one.

Not everyone has such a clear flashpoint of tension between their new and old identities and sometimes as one poster said it can just be undoing a lifetime of learning. Maybe talk with a therapist or some friends about why these feelings come up and it should lead to some sort of progress. Just get to the nitty gritty and look at the nuts and bolts of what causes them.

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[Janes Groove]

I want to just go out and be me but omg.....I can't, not sure what's stopping me.

I think you do know what's stopping you and you admitted it in your post.  Transphobia. AKA "The Stigma."

Let me tell you this:  There is NOTHING wrong with you.  It's 100% natural and you are a valued part of the transgender community. You belong.  You deserve to be happy.  Don't let haters stop you.  So what if you don't pass 100%. That means just about zero.  Be you. Be happy.

As stated previously, find a support group.  Baby steps. Start presenting as female in a warm, supportive, environment.  Take your place as a proud transgender women in a society that is changing and becoming more accepting every day because we transgender people are becoming MORE visible.

Good luck and get out there girl!

[Danielle M]

I am the same way.  I have been on hormones for 3 years and have had ffs, butt implants. and rib removal to make me rib cage smaller.  I am still afraid to socially transition because I am afraid that I don't pass good enough.  My therapist said that I have a huge case of internalized trans phobia.

[Antonia J]

Not sure if this is what you mean, but I sometimes change my presentation based on where I am and what I am doing. I have been on HRT nearly a year, and can easily get male fail if I try hard...I could probably pass in dark light, and when I am sitting, but my bone structure / skeletal frame is very typical male when I stand. Accordingly, I can butch up, skip makeup, throw on a ball cap, and have no problem in male mode if I am wearing baggy clothes.

When I first began my transition about 5 years ago, I had a very binary view of what my transition should be. In my mind it was "Destination Passing!" For various reasons mostly associated with my life falling apart, I detransitioned, My life changed a lot over the following years, and I married an amazing cis-woman who embraces my trans* identity as a part of me, and after years of therapy later I decided to just go with it and make it up as I go along. I love being on hormones. I also took the pressure off me by trying to decide "What do I have to look like?" and just said I will do what feels right when it feels right. That's the great thing - you get to decide what is right for you. There are no rules.

That said, hormones are powerful drugs, and your body will change. You will get boobs that you may not be able to hide unless you wear a binder. Your face will change, and people who know you will wonder what's going on. You can still present male, and people will take their social cues from you, but you may want to use it as an opportunity to have a discussion with them on gender.

Good luck!

Toni

[Lady Love]

Not sure if this is what you mean, but I sometimes change my presentation based on where I am and what I am doing. I have been on HRT nearly a year, and can easily get male fail if I try hard...I could probably pass in dark light, and when I am sitting, but my bone structure / skeletal frame is very typical male when I stand. Accordingly, I can butch up, skip makeup, throw on a ball cap, and have no problem in male mode if I am wearing baggy clothes.

When I first began my transition about 5 years ago, I had a very binary view of what my transition should be. In my mind it was "Destination Passing!" For various reasons mostly associated with my life falling apart, I detransitioned, My life changed a lot over the following years, and I married an amazing cis-woman who embraces my trans* identity as a part of me, and after years of therapy later I decided to just go with it and make it up as I go along. I love being on hormones. I also took the pressure off me by trying to decide "What do I have to look like?" and just said I will do what feels right when it feels right. That's the great thing - you get to decide what is right for you. There are no rules.

That said, hormones are powerful drugs, and your body will change. You will get boobs that you may not be able to hide unless you wear a binder. Your face will change, and people who know you will wonder what's going on. You can still present male, and people will take their social cues from you, but you may want to use it as an opportunity to have a discussion with them on gender.

Good luck!

Toni

Wow Toni, that's an inspiring story. I think you have the right idea also! I think when my body is right, I will know. But it's never been that way before, so it's hard to concretely imagine what I want until it happens.

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