Trans coworker

[Magnolia88]

I have this new coworker who started in the last month or so who is trans. I didn't realize until I introduced myself and and saw her makeup as well as signs of hrt. I was caught off guard at first since she is the only other trans woman I've ever met. She was very friendly and kind. She's obviously early in her transition, but still had the bravery to be a server in closed minded texas. I paid attention to how other coworkers and customers reacted to her. No one really gave her a hard time that I saw which was a relief. It's hard to dislike her, since she is so nice. Still, it made me feel a lot better about coming out. She also helped me realize that whatever fear I had about coming out didn't really matter since people already see me as effeminate anyway. I saw how they act around her is pretty much the same as how they act with me. We haven't had much time to grow a bond just yet. We did talk recently about dresses since we're getting so many prom parties. She talked about how much she wanted to wear a dress like that and I jokingly agreed, but was actually serious. A part of me wants to come out to her since I feel like she came into my life for a reason. The other part of me doesn't want to be that vulnerable with someone I barely know. I've only ever told one other person which was a therapist I no longer see and that was years ago. For all I know, she's reading this and has figured it out. I could definitely use a friend like her right now, but I also don't open up that easy. I'm gonna try and get to know her better and hopefully I'll start letting my guard down.

[Mendi]

I really wouldn´t talk to her about trans issues. You might be also mistaken, and she is not a transwoman.

I would leave it there, treat her like any other woman and if you need to talk her about your own coming out, you can do that, but please don´t treat her as a fellow transwoman, as there is the possibility, that you are mistaken.

[Magnolia88]

Well she wore makeup, had breast growth and referred to herself as a woman. I know the spectrum is pretty wide, but that seems pretty clear to me. Not to mention, I've heard her talk about her transition with others. She's not cis if that what you're wondering.

[Devlyn]

I really wouldn´t talk to her about trans issues. You might be also mistaken, and she is not a transwoman.

I would leave it there, treat her like any other woman and if you need to talk her about your own coming out, you can do that, but please don´t treat her as a fellow transwoman, as there is the possibility, that you are mistaken.

Mendi completely nailed it. Social grace requires that we never out an LGBTIQ+ person...for all the reasons you're giving for not being out yet. 

I got my subs from a transgender woman for a couple years. I revealed my transgender status (I'm out and proud) to all the counter staff including her, and updated them regularly. Finally one day she asked how things were going, and I said "Great, my doctor upped my hormones to a full transition dose."  She smiled and said "You're going to love it, I've been on full dose for a year and a half."

Bottom line:

"I'm trans" = good.

"I'm trans, like you" = incredibly, incredibly rude.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Mendi]

I know I would be upset, if someone at work came to me and said, that hey fellow transitioner!

I will tell you, if I want to. Otherwise, please leave me alone in regards of this issue.

Treat that woman at your work the same way.

[TonyaW]

Perfectly ok to come out to her, but try not give the impression that it's because she is trans. If she is, she'll probably have figured that part out on her own.  If she is trans and somewhat stealth, you may not get the reaction or welcome you are hoping for.

Unless she has told you herself that she is trans, do not bring up her transness(?) to her. 

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[RobynTx]

Wear something with a transgender flag or known symbol on it.  Let her come to you first.  But yeah like the others have said don't call her out on it.

[Doreen]

Wear something with a transgender flag or known symbol on it.  Let her come to you first.  But yeah like the others have said don't call her out on it.

I tend to avoid transgendered folk in walmart for that exact reason.  Though I don't identify myself as trans.. still there is the stigma.  And I prefer to be stealth (whatever that means).  Its a mixed blessing but honestly most the trans I see there are wearing super tight and short skirts, heels, too much makeup, something in tiger print... and that's just not my style or what I'd prefer to associate with.  If that's your style, knock yourself out & have fun with it   But don't expect me to go out of my way to say hi lol.

[Magnolia88]

Maybe I'm being selfish. I just thought transwomen need to stick together since we need all the support we can get. I liked the idea of having a friend who knows exactly what I'm going through. You all seem to think I should leave her be and keep going it alone which is fine if that's what's best. I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable. I'll be fine on my own, but it would've helped having that support.

[RobynTx]

I'm in Texas as well and I know how hard it can be to find someone else that is transgender but there are considerations to think about.  Do you know anything about the trials and tribulations that she has had to endure?  Most of us are just saying do it the right way and make a great first impression.

[justarandomname2]

hmm....I have a suggestion which I hope may help.

If you really want to connect with her, maybe one day, complement her on her hair, outfit, nails, etc. and start the conversation that way. Or come in with something girly like nail polish or earrings or something and start a conversation with her. Once you're friends, you could confide in her that you're going through some things and needed a friend to talk to.

Like many others have said, you really don't want to approach this from a "Hi, I'm trans too" type of thing since not everyone will be receptive to it.  I personally wouldn't be.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Mendi]

Maybe I'm being selfish. I just thought transwomen need to stick together since we need all the support we can get. I liked the idea of having a friend who knows exactly what I'm going through. You all seem to think I should leave her be and keep going it alone which is fine if that's what's best. I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable. I'll be fine on my own, but it would've helped having that support.

The thing everyone is saying, that don´t approach her saying, that hey fellow transwoman.

I´m quite sure, that she will tell you on her own, when she feels the time is right.

Don´t force her to come out, let her do it. Wait.

[Charlie Nicki]

Maybe I'm being selfish. I just thought transwomen need to stick together since we need all the support we can get. I liked the idea of having a friend who knows exactly what I'm going through. You all seem to think I should leave her be and keep going it alone which is fine if that's what's best. I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable. I'll be fine on my own, but it would've helped having that support.

If you're comfortable coming out to her, then just do it what they were saying is that you shouldn't let her know you know her secret, she'll tell you herself if she also feels comfortable with you.

[Magnolia88]

I get what you all are saying, but like I said, I've only ever told one other person. So it wouldn't make much sense to tell someone I barely know such a personal secret about me without  her feeling like I'm doing so because she is trans. I've decided to leave it alone. I'll still continue our friendship but I'll keep that part of me to myself.

[Bari Jo]

Thisakes me very happy that more trans people are coming out in TX.  There's no way I could have when I lived there.  As for approaching her, I'd say just be her friend.  Don't bring up being trans.  Most trans people I know do not like to be outed, even to fellow trans people.

Bari Jo

[Donna]

It's really a simple rule for LGBQT people. You don't ask, if they want to talk they need to start it.
It may seem harmless to just ask but it swings along the line of asking a woman if she is pregnant when she could just have bloat at that time of month or she has just gained weight.  Or asking someone if they have a disability or some other issue. Feel free to out yourself to her and she may open up to you. Other wise work with her as a coworker and friend and let things happen as they happen.

[TonyaW]

It's really a simple rule for LGBQT people. You don't ask, if they want to talk they need to start it.
It may seem harmless to just ask but it swings along the line of asking a woman if she is pregnant when she could just have bloat at that time of month or she has just gained weight.

Yes this is why. You could be wrong.

I shop at Target  probably too much and there is a trans woman that works there.  She's at least as tall as me (6'2") and appears to be at about the same place in transition as I am, 14 months HRT.
She's also the only employee that I've ever run into while shopping at a Target that has not asked me if I need help or even just said hi like they are supposed to.

Maybe one day one of us will figure out how to say something with out it sounding like "hey I know you're trans too". 

If you do come out to this co worker, don't be expect her to become an instant mentor.   She's got her own transition to worry about and may not be able to handle something like that. 

I dont think anyone is trying to discourage you from coming out to her. It's  just that your only connection to her shouldn't be her being trans.


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[yayo]

I tend to avoid transgendered folk in walmart for that exact reason.  Though I don't identify myself as trans.. still there is the stigma.  And I prefer to be stealth (whatever that means).  Its a mixed blessing but honestly most the trans I see there are wearing super tight and short skirts, heels, too much makeup, something in tiger print... and that's just not my style or what I'd prefer to associate with.  If that's your style, knock yourself out & have fun with it   But don't expect me to go out of my way to say hi lol.

A little tact looks sexy on anyone.

[Devlyn]

A little tact looks sexy on anyone.

As little as possible. 

[yayo]

As little as possible. 

Haha—shaddup!