Hello, I just wanted to share my experience. I have, over the past week, decided to detransition. It's been very bittersweet, and I'm terrified but I think it's for the best...but I 'd like to your thoughts etc.
I am a 27 year old MTF, I have been on hormones for over 3 years now and pass very well, I have a large natural c cup, hips, a large butt, a great voice and all in all I'm happy with how my transition has gone physically. I pass very well, especially when I have long hair, which I lost when I had a mental breakdown and cut my hair about 6 months ago, so it makes it slightly harder to pass but ya.
My family are very religious and just don't agree with my transition at all, and they sort of rejected me when I started transition. I also lost a lot of friends too.
I know it's a lot and doesn't even seem real, but I've had a very difficult last few years of my transition. Other than losing family and friends, I was raped to lose my virginity, and I was date raped a year later by two men who dragged my limp body out of a club, and I was abducted 6 months after that and had to beg for my life. I was also used and had my heart broken by men who just wanted to have sex with me, I've been homeless twice, I've faced so much hatred, been passed over for jobs and for housing etc etc. I had a man force me to give him a >-bleeped-< too, it was a "friend" and ya.
I had to step down from my supervisor position because of PTSD etc and now I'm making less money and have been forced to live in the hood. Because my hair is so short now I am not passing as well, and have actually had my downstairs neighbor who has been in and out of prison barge into my apartment pissed off and asking me if I had "a dick or a twat". I live the hood, like it's rough, I have been asked just in the past two weeks on the street by men who think I'm a prostitute.
So ya. I know it's a lot but even beyond that, I've figured out that I think a lot of who I am now is fake, like how I talk isn't my normal voice, I have to shave every day and can't afford electrolysis, I can't pass without makeup with my hair so short so that leaves me scared to even go out my front door in fears that men who catcall me will figure out im trans and hurt me. I only have a few friends and honestly...I've just decided that I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. I do love the bits of womanhood I've been able to scrounge up, I do wish I could have just been born this way, but I almost feel a sense of relief, knowing that I"m going back home. That I won't have to be scared or poor anymore, it's not going to be easy but ya...
I just think that ultimately I would rather have a normal life, I don't even know if I'm even attracted to men at either or maybe it's just that I don't trust them etc. Honestly, I just want to be a man and have a wife eventually, and I feel horrible because I feel like I"m letting my trans friends down, but I just like feel like I"ll be dead by 30 at this rate. I am suicidal a lot too...it kills me though because I did enjoy being a woman tho, even tho I do feel like i was dumbing myself down and purposefully not doing hobbies I used to enjoy just so I could fit in better...
Anways I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but it feels good to get it out. I just idk, I'm looking forward to the future, if you have read this far feel free to give me advice and opinions, those would be appreciated, thanks!