Hi Everyone! Ok here is my thing: I have been racking my brain for like a year wondering what to do with my body. I was assigned female at birth, and I'm in my late 30s. I've been used to being a butch dyke for a long time and I still do but I also now identify as nonbinary and a trans male. For many years I've loved being a tomboy--being very butch but also pretty with long hair. I love being handsome and beautiful at the same time. But my body has changed a little bit with age, and my boobs are bigger and hang a bit lower, which is causing dysphoria. I also have the vague sense that age has caused me to look more "female"in general although only slightly so, but enough to bother me. If I add more weight over time, I anticipate this problem being even worse. So I'm concerned.
I enjoy passing as cisfemale and I would be probably "grossed out" by passing as male despite the high level of masculinity I identify with.....so the issue I'm having is how to signify masculinity without physical maleness. I am not sure about T because I would only want some of the changes (more angular face, better muscle definition and strength, a bit of fat redistribution) while others are totally not what I would want (enlarged clit, voice drop bc my voice is already quite deep, body hair, baldness, passing as male etc). Then there's the "top surgery" question: Unlike some people who are build bigger and with broader shoulders, I am petite and in shape but lopping off my chest won't necessarily leave anything like a "male chest" because my frame is so small. And then there's my hips, which aren't huge....but they're there and not exactly square! So top surgery wouldn't necessarily give me a cute male chest, it would look like a muscle-less concave. And having tested things out with a binder, if I got full top surgery my tummy would stick out because my boobs were not there to make my shirt hang over it. So I'm leaning toward a breast reduction. I've watched about a million videos of nonbinaries taking T and it's intimidating to think of trying something that could change so many things....and especially the issue that you have to stay on it or things "go back" but then balancing that with not wanting to go so far as to pass as male.
What's a boi to do? I feel like a teen boy trapped in a middle aged woman's body. Overall I'm just struggling because I feel dysphoric and I don't know what or if anything would fix it. I've sort of given up. I love myself and think my gender is amazing and unique. So why do I feel so troubled and defeated? Any help, advice, love, or encouragement appreciated. Thanks! <3
