Pulling out the stops tomorrow

[HappyMoni]

Oh Gheeeeze, I try to be nice one time and what does she do? She gets my name wrong!! How can she do that to me? I mean I tried extra hard to be nice... Didn't I? I even looked up her name so I could get it right.. Whateva!

Sorry Laurie, I am a bad girl! You really were very sweet. Guess I have to do better.

Davina, I admire you handling your situation. I worked on cars for a long time as well but got out of it pre transition.

I had one thing to add here about validation by others. I went out to dinner with two friends, one of who (whom?) speaks to new teachers about diversity especially related to LGBTIQ issues. She said something that I thought was pretty cool. She had recognized someone in the group who seemed a little on the nonsupportive side of things. She was chatting with him and then said something like, "Show of hands, who here is Christian?" This person raised his hand along with others. She then said, "You know all that Christian stuff is made up don't you?" He then started to start getting his hackles up, but before it went too far, she said, "Now how does it feel to be told your identity is made up, invalid! That is how trans folk feel when they are told that all their stuff is made up, not real!" She is actually Christian herself, so she didn't mean her comment, but I thought it was a fantastic illustration for someone who doesn't get what we are about.
Moni

[Marcieelizabeth]

Sorry Laurie, I am a bad girl! You really were very sweet. Guess I have to do better.

Davina, I admire you handling your situation. I worked on cars for a long time as well but got out of it pre transition.

I had one thing to add here about validation by others. I went out to dinner with two friends, one of who (whom?) speaks to new teachers about diversity especially related to LGBTIQ issues. She said something that I thought was pretty cool. She had recognized someone in the group who seemed a little on the nonsupportive side of things. She was chatting with him and then said something like, "Show of hands, who here is Christian?" This person raised his hand along with others. She then said, "You know all that Christian stuff is made up don't you?" He then started to start getting his hackles up, but before it went too far, she said, "Now how does it feel to be told your identity is made up, invalid! That is how trans folk feel when they are told that all their stuff is made up, not real!" She is actually Christian herself, so she didn't mean her comment, but I thought it was a fantastic illustration for someone who doesn't get what we are about.
Moni

Moni - this is so perfect!  Love ya.  Marcie

[Jessica]

Sorry Laurie, I am a bad girl! You really were very sweet. Guess I have to do better.

Davina, I admire you handling your situation. I worked on cars for a long time as well but got out of it pre transition.

I had one thing to add here about validation by others. I went out to dinner with two friends, one of who (whom?) speaks to new teachers about diversity especially related to LGBTIQ issues. She said something that I thought was pretty cool. She had recognized someone in the group who seemed a little on the nonsupportive side of things. She was chatting with him and then said something like, "Show of hands, who here is Christian?" This person raised his hand along with others. She then said, "You know all that Christian stuff is made up don't you?" He then started to start getting his hackles up, but before it went too far, she said, "Now how does it feel to be told your identity is made up, invalid! That is how trans folk feel when they are told that all their stuff is made up, not real!" She is actually Christian herself, so she didn't mean her comment, but I thought it was a fantastic illustration for someone who doesn't get what we are about.
Moni

Great analogy!  I might use this with my mother.

[Tatiana 79]

Way to go Moni

You are certainly one tough cookie  with an indomitable spirit.
Have faith in your inner identity and it'll shine through like the sun.
All that matters is what you think in your own head and the rest is just like the weather you just have to deal with it as best you can.
I know that you inspired me very much with your help and support know we're all in your corner trying to support you.
If this just helped you out even a tiny bit I think it was worth it.
Please keep us posted on what happens I hope I can just get a sliver of your indomitable spirit.

All the very best to you love Tatiana

[HappyMoni]

Thank you so much for the support ladies! I got a nice strong "Miss Monica" from one of my misnamers today. It was  nice. The guy who thinks it was a joke to misgender me has been quiet lately. I have not been very outgoing toward  him lately either. I decided that that is not how I want to handle it though. What does that accomplish years from now? He will remember maybe the only trans woman he might know as a thin skinned, less than friendly person. I think I will instead break my rule of not talking about my past with  newbies. I want to let him know that that behavior hurts trans folks. It would be better for him to understand. Understanding, one person at a time! Yeah, I like it.   
Love you back!!!!
Moni

[Jessica]

Thank you so much for the support ladies! I got a nice strong "Miss Monica" from one of my misnamers today. It was  nice. The guy who thinks it was a joke to misgender me has been quiet lately. I have not been very outgoing toward  him lately either. I decided that that is not how I want to handle it though. What does that accomplish years from now? He will remember maybe the only trans woman he might know as a thin skinned, less than friendly person. I think I will instead break my rule of not talking about my past with  newbies. I want to let him know that that behavior hurts trans folks. It would be better for him to understand. Understanding, one person at a time! Yeah, I like it.   
Love you back!!!!
Moni

It looks like your plan is working, and yes, no need to be shy about giving information that can make them a better person.

[Northern Star Girl]

Thank you so much for the support ladies! I got a nice strong "Miss Monica" from one of my misnamers today. It was  nice. The guy who thinks it was a joke to misgender me has been quiet lately. I have not been very outgoing toward  him lately either. I decided that that is not how I want to handle it though. What does that accomplish years from now? He will remember maybe the only trans woman he might know as a thin skinned, less than friendly person. I think I will instead break my rule of not talking about my past with  newbies. I want to let him know that that behavior hurts trans folks. It would be better for him to understand. Understanding, one person at a time! Yeah, I like it.   
Love you back!!!!
Moni

@HappyMoni ... You composed a great message for all of us.  It is important that as transgenders that we present ourselves well and help gain respect for all transgenders.    There is nothing worse that us giving an bad impression because of our actions and remarks.
 
Where I live, I am probably the only trans-woman any of the townspeople have known about and have met. 
I go out of my way to be friendly, kind, considerate, polite....   and give a positive image of a good contributing citizen to my community. 
So far, since my "outing" I have experienced very little negativity except for a man and woman couple that were just visiting the town... I was told that they actually made some rude comments about me to my friends when they saw me at a table having breakfast.   After the couple got up and left, my friends later told me that they were talking about me being a trans-woman and didn't know that at the nearby table to them that the visiting couple were hearing every word.  That explains why the visitors kept staring at me while I was eating.   My friends then kept apologizing to me over and over for not being aware that others were listening to them.... and that made me feel good.

All we can control is how we feel and how we act and talk.  We can not control what others do and say.  When others do unsavory things that put us in a bad light, we must be careful how we react to that.   While showing anger and getting back at those that besmirch and defame us may feel good for a very brief time, it is usually not the correct move to make.

I think that you are handling this in a good way Moni .. please keep us posted.
Hugs,
Danielle

[HappyMoni]

  Thank you ladies!
  Yesterday was a pretty horrible day. I had some very difficult family news that I got while at work. So I was not in a good place when I had to walk past my misgendering friend. He says to me, "Hello, buddy!" To me this is a typical greeting for a man not a woman, especially considering his history. It hit me wrong so I stretched my arms out, bent my knees and said, "You know you are killing me right?" He's like, "What, what?" He tried to make the case that he says that to other women. I just looked at him and said, "You know I am transgender, right? It took a lot for me to get to where I am now." He was like, "Oh okay, we're good!" or something to that effect. I left.
   So today I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I didn't mean to be rude, if I was, when I talked to you yesterday. We just need to understand each other." He really is a nice guy I think. He pitches in in ways he doesn't have to, treats the kids very respectfully, so I want all that to continue only with the respect due to each of us. One of my other common misgenderers has been very respectful. One day a while back he had asked for my help, "Sir, I mean Ma'am!" I just got a disgusted look on my face at that point. Well, I kept hearing him call me "Man." Today, he went by me in the halls and I distinctly heard "Ma'am."  I don't know if I had misheard him before or if he changed it up. Either way, the lesson I have learned is this. If it is done repeatedly and it bothers me, I am gonna address it sooner than later. No sense in sitting there stewing about it. Part of me thinks that some folks are really clueless and need to have it spelled out for them. In fact the joker misgenderer at one point stated, "I didn't know what the rules are." Ugh hello, everyone else calls me she, her, Monica! Duh!
Moni  (AKA  'she,' 'her')

[Rachel]

Hi Monica,

I am late to the thread, sorry.

You are a pretty resourceful woman. I am glad you are addressing the person (s) for misgendering you. When done innocently it is one thing, when done deliberately it is hurtful.

I am glad you went in all fem. For me I am gradually increasing my presentation as to how I feel inside. I do wear makeup to work. I even wore a dress recently . I need to buy a few more dresses now that the weather is getting warmer. They are super comfy.

I do the direct correction method and it works pretty well.

Sorry to hear about the family news. I hope it works out for the best. I will be sending good thoughts his way.

[Donna]

It is such a conundrum. I tell my self not to be bothered and disturbed but I do get there.
How to deal with this is anyone's guess and each circumstance will dictate a responce. Sorry you have to put up with that Moni as it just comes across as disrespectfull for someone to not even try. Best of luck with dealing with him and just consider all the positive support your getting from others to offset the odd jerk.

[KathyLauren]

Good for you, Moni, for speaking up!  Some people just like to push the boundaries for jollies and some people are genuinely clueless.  In either case, they won't get it unless they are told.

[Laurie]

Hi Toni? Connie? Bonnie? oh yeah!, Hi Moonie,

  I will commiserate with you if you think it will help with your misgendering at work. That Ma'am you heard clearly  could easily have been those Mans you think you heard. As for mister "I can't get it right", It is too hard for me. Make up cue cards for him and hold them up for him when you see him coming. You might try assigning him some homework where he sees your name and picks out the correct pronouns. Or how about flash cards for him with pictures of men and women so he can recognize the difference when he sees them.
  I am sorry for you family news being not good once again. I fervently hope you are finished with bad news. You have had enough Moni. Give Ann a good squeeze for me will you?

Love ya Moany,
  Laurie

[HappyMoni]

   Thank you for responding Rachel, Donna, Kathy, Laurie. I had my yearly evaluation yesterday and was sitting in the office waiting to talk to the Assistant Principal. In walks a teacher (one who is supportive) and she says, I guess 'he's' in trouble, seeing me waiting to be seen. Then, when she has the whole office's attention, 'he's' me again in an attempt to be funny. I think it happens when folks are so anxious to be funny they forget. Another conversation to be had Monday.
   It is helping me to take control of these kinds of situations right now. Presently I have three family members who have life threatening illnesses. My brother appears to be the worst. I feel very helpless right now, as I can not make them well.
I went to what might be my last facial electrolysis appointment this morning. I was afraid I would start crying so I uncharacteristically asked that we not talk. I don't know why I am telling this except to say that I guess trying to control what I can (the misgenderings) gives me some sense of control in my life and it feels good. Aim for the positive, right?
Moni

[Maybebaby56]

My goodness, girlfriend, you have certainly been through the wringer lately.

I hate to say it, but your co-workers sound like real sphincters. That misgendering stuff is not only hurtful, it is cowardly. They can't even own their a-holery.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother and other family members. I can't imagine what you are going through emotionally.

They only solace I can offer you is that you have done everything in your power to control your own destiny, and deliver your own happiness. All we can do is be true to ourselves. You are a wonderful human being, Moni. I am so happy, and so very lucky, to call you my friend.

With love and best wishes,

Terri

PS  - Congrats on finishing electrolysis! Now you have to let me take you out to lunch to celebrate.

[Donna]

Damn girl. Bad enough the blatant misgendering but to have to deal with the family issue has got to be overwhelming. I hope they all start doing better and you have lots of support there. You have it here as much as we can help. I've just started responding with a forceful WHO. When they have to think of an answer it may make them look and feel as stupid as they are.

[KathyLauren]

In walks a teacher (one who is supportive) and she says, I guess 'he's' in trouble, seeing me waiting to be seen.

Lordy, if that is "supportive", I'd hate to see the ones who aren't supportive.

So sorry you are feeling the burden of ill family members.

Congratulations on finishing facial electrolysis!  That is a big deal.  I hope you are able to celebrate.

[davina61]

Hugs from me , need to get the 2 (Bulgarian) lads to stop calling me by my dead name but at least my assistant manager tries and apologises when he makes a mistake, on the up side got a she and her from a customer yesterday. Hope your family recover , one is bad enough but three -- its a lot to take on girl so be strong. XX  Devaaina

[HappyMoni]

Thank you for your kindness with regards to my family. I am trying to stay upbeat with some limited success. I'm doing shopping therapy today with two super supportive school friends. On the whole my coworkers are supportive. In the beginning there were some who talked behind my back, but most of them come around when I see them more often. This subject is really about me or maybe you in how we deal with these things, not them. They can say what they want away from me. I will no longer passively accept the misgendering. Whether it is laziness, cluelessness, habit or whatever that makes  people misgender, I am gonna take steps to 'help' them get it right. Even if its a 'crowbar across the head' kind of assistance. I think of it this way, if I said something to offend someone I would want them to tell me so I can change. I will reserve the crowbar for extreme cases though.
Again thank you!
Moni

[HappyMoni]

Oh I forgot to add, on a fun note, I colored my hair last night. This shopping  trip was inspired by my 'pull out all the stops day.' My friends said that I rocked the dress, so they needed to 'up their game.' We have made it kind of a challenge to wear dresses on Friday's. It is hard to do this job in a dress but I will see what I can  come up with. Anyone own 'coolots?'

[Northern Star Girl]

Oh I forgot to add, on a fun note, I colored my hair last night. This shopping  trip was inspired by my 'pull out all the stops day.' My friends said that I rocked the dress, so they needed to 'up their game.' We have made it kind of a challenge to wear dresses on Friday's. It is hard to do this job in a dress but I will see what I can  come up with. Anyone own 'coolots?'

@HappyMoni     Moni, I have not heard the word "coolots" since I was a young kid, I remember my mom and my aunt wearing them in the warmer weather...   I think the "new" name for them is "skorts"....  otherwise known as a split-skirt or split-dress. 
I do own a couple "skorts" which I bought to wear on my recent New Zealand and Australian vacation/cruise this last January.   It was so hot "down under" when I was there, Australia was having their January summer heatwave... near 100 deg F or more most days.   
The skorts were nice because while it most times appeared to look like I was wearing a skirt and was somewhat dressy, in reality they were very comfortable shorts that worked great and were quite versatile and comfortable to wear for me being a tourist and doing all of the tourist activities, climbing on buses and trains on the tours, etc.... but still looking somewhat dressy.

Hmmm, colored your hair, rocked the dress....
... you know the rule here Moni, "pictures or it didn't happen."

Hugs,
Danielle