why wasn't i born correct

[noitsbecky]

been loving stealth almost 6 years
found out my daughter outed me to her friends 10 years ago
1 of those friends just cam out as ftm and wants me to help him
i got read at work and asked if i was trans which i denied
my wife said latly it feels like two diffrent people because my equalibriam has been shaken so im not sure who to be.

why cant i just convice myself im cis and just relax and be me i feel like im always on even after ten years i dont feel like i am handling life well im scared to go to work i fear my wife may leave me im struggling to afford therapy.  i just want to quit and ive in my bed. 

this isn't meant to offend its just my personal feelings

[Doreen]

been loving stealth almost 6 years
found out my daughter outed me to her friends 10 years ago
1 of those friends just cam out as ftm and wants me to help him
i got read at work and asked if i was trans which i denied
my wife said latly it feels like two diffrent people because my equalibriam has been shaken so im not sure who to be.

why cant i just convice myself im cis and just relax and be me i feel like im always on even after ten years i dont feel like i am handling life well im scared to go to work i fear my wife may leave me im struggling to afford therapy.  i just want to quit and ive in my bed. 

this isn't meant to offend its just my personal feelings

Even if some fairy godmother waved a wand, and transformed you into all you wished to be, you'd still be haunted by your memories of the former life.  Memories are meant to be used as learning tools in your brain... adaptation if you will to traumatic events.  I dislike being born this way as well...but since its nothing I have any control over. I'll accept it and move on to make my future more enjoyable.   

You can't change your past.. all you can influence is your present and future.  Take a deep breath, cry when you need to, take another deep breath, then go out head held high to live in the world.  I feel for you.

[noitsbecky]

Thank you for your reply Doreen,

Im just not in a good place at the moment being read threw me very hard.  im just worried that gender transition as amazing as its been is hurting me at the moment maybe it cause im semi in the closet ( i would be all the way in if it was up to me) i just wish and i know that wishing is meaningless but im at a point were my body is driving me crazy between hrt and my weight and a strain on my spouse i just wonder if its worth it sometime.  i know that it is and when i can afford my surgery i think that will change a lot. 

Thank you
Lil