We had sex but I never told him

[stephaniec]

We had sex but I never told him

http://www.newnownext.com/we-had-sex-but-i-never-told-him-im-trans/08/2017/

NewNowNext/by Jen Richards     08/2017

[SadieBlake]

Would a cis female who'd had vaginoplasty for the reason of vaginal agenesis be expected to disclose?

[Lady Love]

I always take the idea of non-harm. Is there any safety reason people need to know? If it won't hurt or endanger them, they don't need to know. I just feel like that idea is like needing to warn everybody I had my appendix out. It mostly affects people's fragile egos more than any real trust issue.

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[Mendi]

I would be too scared of not telling. I rather don´t have sex and stay alive, than other way around.

[Doreen]

This is an old discussion but still relevant.   Do you feel the need to disclose you had missing teeth and had an implant to fix it? Take it a step further.. you were missing an eyeball and its actually fake. No? Maybe? Yes?

Its entirely up to you... and noone else to tell you what you should share how much others should know.  There is no law stating you must (that I'm aware of). 

We all have our 'secrets'.  None of us.. ever.. completely share everything.  After all, can you really remember all your secrets yourself? I surely can't. 

Share what you want, what you are comfortable with.  Noone can tell you what you must do or should do otherwise.

[Lady Love]

This is an old discussion but still relevant.   Do you feel the need to disclose you had missing teeth and had an implant to fix it? Take it a step further.. you were missing an eyeball and its actually fake. No? Maybe? Yes?

Its entirely up to you... and noone else to tell you what you should share how much others should know.  There is no law stating you must (that I'm aware of). 

We all have our 'secrets'.  None of us.. ever.. completely share everything.  After all, can you really remember all your secrets yourself? I surely can't. 

Share what you want, what you are comfortable with.  Noone can tell you what you must do or should do otherwise.

Hear, hear. That's basically what the article came down to. It is dangerous not to disclose but also the burden shouldn't fall on the most vulnerable to kowtow to people's fragile masculine egos... a utopian idea perhaps, but hopefully someday we will be there.

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[Allison S]

Personally, if I was having sex with someone or planning to... then yes I would let that person know before penetration happens.

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[krobinson103]

If it got past anything but casual friendship I'd let that person know exactly what they are signing up for. Relationships are about trust and shouldn't be built of a false premise. I'm not and never will be CIS even if I had SRS and don't want to spend the rest of my life with secret. If the potential partner walked away sure it might sting a bit, but at least you know where you stand.

[Tatiana 79]

Hello Stephanie

I don't think that there is an absolute correct answer for this one.
You will know when the right time presents itself for you to disclose this don't feel too guilty it happens all the time.
I myself was married for years before I disclosed anything because I falsely assumed that when I get married these feelings would leave me but of course they did not. I did it very gradually and slowly and was very concerned about losing her.
I do believe though that a close couple Should Have No Secrets just wait till the time feels right and hopefully you will be accepted for the real you

I hope everything works out for the best for you love Tatiana

[Doreen]

If it got past anything but casual friendship I'd let that person know exactly what they are signing up for. Relationships are about trust and shouldn't be built of a false premise. I'm not and never will be CIS even if I had SRS and don't want to spend the rest of my life with secret. If the potential partner walked away sure it might sting a bit, but at least you know where you stand.

I understand the thought processes behind this.. but I think that's a dangerous self mental mindset too.  Basically you are admitting to yourself you're 'fake', an illusion.. not real.  Sure you aren't cis.  Who really is 'cis'gender?  We all have male and female tendencies.. some more, some less.. some barely at all. 

Trust?  Yes, relationships should be built on trust.  How much are you going to trust your partner with?  Are you telling every single deep dark secret you ever knew?  Most guys would run away and not look back (or even girls).  I may not be 'cis'.. but neither am I 'trans'.  I am me.  Take it or leave it, and that's how I approach any relationship.   What you see is what you're getting.

I'm not saying your approach is wrong, but I think its a slippery slope to use that particular thought process too.

[KarynMcD]

Take it a step further.. you were missing an eyeball and its actually fake. No? Maybe? Yes?

If I was missing an eye, yeah, I'd bring it up because they'd be wondering why it doesn't move (and why I have a lightning bolt there).

But if I've had GRS, no I wouldn't be mentioning it.

[ReplacementSarah]

Fingers crossed that I never have to worry about dating and sex with anybody other than my wife. However, if it did I happen I would absolutely want to disclose at the earliest safe opportunity. After all, fragile masculine egos are gross and I wouldn't want to accidentally sleep with one of those.   

However, I would never judge somebody who is stealth not wanting to disclose. Even if your partner is cool with it, you never know who they are going tell... and they likely will tell somebody, because that's what people do.

[Eryn T]

I'm really digging all the thought-provoking posts by Doreen!  I've sorta wrestled with the idea of being 'fake' too, but much of what is seen as female IS fake, even for cis-gendered women.  So many women out there are not fond of dresses, makeup, and even 'girly' things- but they do not identify as transgender in any way, either.

Personally, I'm more in-line with Sarah's situation(at least I think so) I love my wife, she doesn't know i'm trans, but the extra hole isn't at all necessary for our relationship. And I would only get SRS if I started to develop extreme dysphoria over it; but right now, the opposite is true, the very idea of SRS makes me nauseous on me.

I had basically allowed myself to become a cuck(and this was before seeing myself as trans) because I lacked meaningful intimacy in that department, work constantly, and was not in touch with my feeling at all.  Honestly, I'm hopeful that me being trans will reignite the sexual side of our relationship and make my wife truly happy again.

But, I like to get off topic ALOT - So back on topic...

I agree with the general consensus that it's totally not an obligation to disclose that info. And I'm on the side that believes, if there is absolutely nothing tracing me back to being MAAB, then just consider yourself never male to begin with.

[Allison S]

I don't think I could be intimate with someone if they didn't know this part about me. That's just where I stand on the matter because I feel like this is a part of me and intimacy is about being vulnerable. Actually that was the theme of my last therapy session today was feeling vulnerable.
I know some day I will heal and move past this stressful time in my life.
It's not about a neo vagina being incomparable to a cis vagina. Authenticity and acceptance gets someone closer to getting between my legs.
I hope I don't come off being crude, but I need to stand for what I believe.
Trust me, hiding srs from a partner, doesn't mean your or the next trans person's history will be erased.. sorry that's just my view point

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[Lady Love]

I don't think I could be intimate with someone if they didn't know this part about me. That's just where I stand on the matter because I feel like this is a part of me and intimacy is about being vulnerable. Actually that was the theme of my last therapy session today was feeling vulnerable.
I know some day I will heal and move past this stressful time in my life.
It's not about a neo vagina being incomparable to a cis vagina. Authenticity and acceptance gets someone closer to getting between my legs.
I hope I don't come off being crude, but I need to stand for what I believe.
Trust me, hiding srs from a partner, doesn't mean your or the next trans person's history will be erased.. sorry that's just my view point

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I think there's room for everyone's opinion and you aren't being crude. I do kind of fall more towards people not needing to disclose it, just because there is plenty I like hidden about myself. If I ever happened to date again I would probably disclose it just because I agree that intimacy is built on vulnerability.

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[Roll]

I personally wouldn't hide it, because I don't plan to hide it at all regardless. But that's just me, and I think people need to do what works best for them.

I recently saw a 15 minute or so clip from the web series Horace and Pete about this topic that I thought was quite interesting and well done considering. (Horace and Pete is a Louis CK "web play", which setting aside the issues with Louis CK, the fact it is made by him should not distract from the fact that it is a really solid take on the issue I feel. If you search "horace and pete transgender" on youtube it should come right up, I won't link it here directly because of language/objectionable material.) It does a great job at offering a look at double standards and people who have only a superficial (the right words but fall short on actions) approach to their view of trans rights.

[Chloe]

If I ever happened to date again . . . 

If this is 'a poll' then would agree to disclose too. Point is, correct if wrong, most posting here are NOT currently 'dating' and linked article is describing 'hookup' situation(s) we simply would not be engaging in the first place.

KUDO's to all here . . .

Aside from female ex-spouse of 30yrs, who knew of my 'issues' prior, every other "extra-dating affair" I've ever had has been with male co-workers and long-time friends who knew me as 'a trans/male' so, as far as dating 'cis anything' goes, couldn't even imagine post-transition being any different.

Always loved this Jamie Clayton story: Looking for love but finding lust in the city of men

lol And don't think Tennyson was referring to "one-night-stands":
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

[SadieBlake]

Kiera, can't speak for others, I'm actively dating, granted as non passable the question is moot.

[Devlyn]

Becky decided not to reveal her transgender status to her partner until after they had sex. Becky got hacked to death. Don't be like Becky. 

[MaryT]

I agree with Devlyn.  It is less about right and wrong than about safety.  A popular member mentioned in one of her posts that she had been giving her boyfriend oral but only told him that she was transgender after he wanted vaginal intercourse.  After some thinking, he was okay with the news.  It could have gone badly, though.  Homophobic men won't always distinguish between gay and trans in that way, and violent ones could become nasty after even learning that they have been kissed by someone that they regard as male.