how do I handle this?

[meatwagon]

it's hard for me to type on mobile, so excuse the copy pasted text message:
there was a customer who was most likely a trans woman, and one of the guys I work with whispered to me "that's a man right?"
I said I wasn't gonna make assumptions but if someone presents themselves as a woman, that's probably what they are.  and even after some continued discussion about what the difference is between trans and intersex, etc, he insisted on saying she was a man and an "it"
this was one of my few "friends"at work, but knowing how he sees trans people and realizing how this will apply to me if/when I come out at work, I don't think I can talk to him any more
and coming out at work is getting more and more unavoidable, as I have been on t for almost 6 months now and get gendered correctly by strangers more often than not.  I'm not really looking forward to losing any semblance of friendship I had at work, or becoming the resident "it".  but I guess those things are unavoidable, too.

I am just completely lost on how to bring up my transition with management.  the thought of it makes me nauseous, and whenever I try to figure out how to word it and what to say or ask about it, I just draw a blank.  I've been trying to figure this out for months, but nothing has helped.  though I feel now more than ever like some kind of sensitivity training for the employees here should be mandatory..  I wonder if asking about that first would help me any, but I don't know how to do that, either.  I'm not good with words when I'm put on the spot, and a sensitive subject that affects me will only make it worse.

[Red Lion]

Honestly idk what to do here. I think it's safe to say your friendship with this guy is p much done for. Anyone who refers to another human being as "it" instantly loses my respect tbh. Most places are supposed to be inclusive and have policies that protect trans/queer people but if inclusiveness isn't stressed in the general work culture those policies aren't much good :\

[meatwagon]

idk either...  but it's like people around here don't even really understand that trans is a thing.  I have to think that some kind of program or whatever it is they do to educate employees on stuff like that and how to handle it would do more good than bad. 

[KathyLauren]

I don't know what part of the world you are in.  In many places, there is legal protection for trans workers.  It would be a good idea to start by researching what your legal rights are.  Your company may have policies in place to protect you even if the law doesn't.

Unless your job would be at risk, the place to start would be your company's HR department.  If there isn't one, then talk to your manager.  They can help you make a plan for transitioning on the job.  Such plans often include sensitivity training for staff.

Have you talked to your therapist about this?  They may be able to help you plan a strategy.

[Stevi]

MW,

Does your company have a trans-friendly policy?  Has anyone broken the trans barrier there.  Sometimes, the company is trans friendly but they may need to actually have someone exercise the policy.  Those out on the floor may be getting away with violating the policy because no one has been offended AND called them on it.  Training about the company's policy and enforcement is often lax until the actual need arises.

You may still lose your friendship no matter what.  Neither you nor your company's policy can truly change his mind if it is made up,  But, you may find that the company's management will support and protect you.  There is a risk in putting out feelers about the policy if there is no document that elucidates them.  So, be careful about who you speak to.

Another thing about people and their attitudes toward us.  When the object of their disdain is a relatively unimportant person in their life, it is easy to hold people in disdain.  But, when that person is more important, they may reevaluate.  The opposite can happen as well.  Sometimes they hold to a theoretical liberal attitude but when it shows up in their own back yard, as with a spouse  or parent, they find they are not so good with it all.  The latter is where I find myself with my daughter.  Things seem to be working out with her in my favor, now, but for a while there it was a bit iffy.  My daughter was, for many years, in the cosmetology field where she met and befriended many gay men.  One of her first comments to me when I came out to her was that she had a lot of gay friends.  But after my revelation had a bit of a chance to sink in, she began to struggle with her own father being transgender and my doing something about it.

This coming out as trans thing is such a mine field.

I have, in the last week, approached my employer's HR department and found that they are supportive but that I am their ground breaker.  So, I know there will be growing pains for them and me with my coming out to the general population.  Right now, as a necessary first step, I am just trying to see that my immediate supervisor is OK with it all or in the unlikely event, he isn't, the he needs to understand the company's policy regarding my treatment and his behavior in general.  Coming out to the general population at work is being deferred until it really needs to happen.  I do not often work on site and then only for a few days at a time.  There may not be a need to come out to them at all before I actually do retire.

Stevi

[meatwagon]

I have looked up the policies here as much as I can, and from what I can tell they do have protections of some kind in place and there is a guide for management staff dealing with trans employees.  I haven't seen anything about sensitivity training for the employees themselves, so I don't know how hr and/or management would handle that part.  I am pretty sure I would be the first trans person at my store, at least in terms of coming out at work.  the store isn't very old and I have been here for a couple of years now.  with how people around here talk, I probably would have heard about it by now.  another slight issue is that i don't see our hr person any more since I'm on a different shift.  not sure if the same person is still around, or whether it would make more sense to leave a note addressed to hr or just go to the manager who's there when I am directly. 
I have brought it up with my therapist briefly, but aside from saying it might be easier to say it in writing, she didn't have much to add.  if i haven't thought of something by next week, I might just have to bring it up again when I see her.

[meatwagon]

anyway, i re-read the policy for managers and aside from the iffy part about possibly encouraging trans people to use the "family" restroom (not that i'd be comfortable using a different one anyway, since everyone there will have known me as 'female' for whatever reason) it looks pretty clear-cut and helpful.  of course, whether or not they follow those guidelines is an individual matter.  i've heard some very bad things about walmart and also some very good things; policies being in place only really gets you so far. 

going to the counselor in 2 days, but if anyone has advice on how to word/bring up the issue, that would really be appreciated...

[Stevi]

MW,

I strongly suggest that you go to your HR person first unless you are very sure your manager is going to be an ally.  I think it is OK to write your thoughts out but I think you should hand deliver them.  That gives you an opportunity to see if they take it all in stride or if it throws them for a loop.  That may mean that you will have to schedule something that gets you into work early or out of work late or even a special trip.  This is important to do right so put up with an inconvenience if that is all it is.

Just my thoughts so if it helps you are welcome to them.

Stevi

[meatwagon]

I will go to hr either tomorrow or the next day when I'm off
if i can figure out what to actually say or how to say it

[Tatiana 79]

The best thing I can think of for you is to slip them a copy of the excellent National Geographic documentary called gender revolution I think if they take the time to see it their Impressions will be more accepting sorry I got to go internet fading best wishes love Tatiana