I was very girly was I was little. I loved pink and princesses and anything that you could think of. One thing that always stuck with me was that I absolutely refused to get my earlobes pierced. Partially because of the fear of pain, but I also felt like there was a reason I couldn't quite put my finger on. Around 4th grade, I became a big tomboy and I loved video games and stuff. I despised anything girly or feminine. I was a big hypochondriac and I hated that "girls went through so much during puberty but boys hardly had anything" (obviously this is false, but that's what I believed at the time). I felt like boys were gross and perverted. Over time I hated being a girl, and I hated my hips and feminine features. I hated that girls were seen as sexual online. I never "wanted to be a boy", but I liked hanging out with them and I felt that I fitted in with them more. I liked stereotypical boy things too, and I loved the Zelda series, as I identified with Link and I felt like I could be a hero like him. I didn't like wearing t shirts without some sort of hoodie because I felt uncomfortable about my chest, and I felt exposed. At 14 I dressed up in a Doctor Who cosplay with all men's clothes, and I felt super happy and free. I didn't really know why. I refused to cosplay as girls, or to wear a feminine version (outfit) of a guy character.
When I was 15, I came across the term transgender and I thought that explained why I felt so weird compared to other girls, maybe I wasn't one. I wore more boyish clothes because I felt more comfortable in them, and I despised girls' clothes because I thought they were slutty. I felt a lot happier in guys' clothes. I also had a lot of gender dysphoria with my chest and hips. I bought my first binder in ninth grade and that was one of the happiest time of my life. In middle school, I was obsessed with wanting to be taller than my mom and my brother, and I cried when my doctor told me I stopped growing.
Now I'm 18, and I don't think these things about guys and girls anymore, but I currently identify as FTM and I have a lot of gender dysphoria regarding voice, hips, and chest. I don't "want to be a boy", I just feel that I am. I do have feminine interests and I'm not upset by them, but I sometimes worry that I won't be seen as "manly enough". It really upsets me when I'm seen as a girl, and I have gender euphoria as well. Now I look at my body and it feels more like parts that aren't supposed to be there. I'm scared that all of this is a phase because it's been affecting my mental health for years. I wish I could just be happy being a girl. I just want to know what I am.
Sorry that this is all over the place, I'm just writing stuff down as I remember them.
