I think my dysphoria intensified

[jaybutterfly]

So I discovered this last few weeks a few things

1. I cannot get sperm storage on the health services, and cannot afford it. This massively upset me because I want kids from my own genetic material someday.
2. I have been told by the gender services I will most likely not be able to transition with them as my life is too chaotic.

Since finding these out, I've relapsed hard into depression, and now Im genuinely feeling so strongly now I've lost all interest in trying to say 'Im genderqueer' or 'I dont mind my penis.'

I tuck it away, I hate being in public with facial hair, being gendered as male annoys me immensely now. I am now having strong desire for a vagina, and Im looking at FFS a lot more seriously.

Im honestly feeling a bit messed up. Can this happen?

[Jessica]

I think this can be normal.  I know with myself, I identify as gender fluid.  I always felt more feminine than masculine, but was comfortable dealing with things the way they were.
Since starting therapy and hrt I have become aware that I'm far more to the female end of the spectrum than I thought.
So it could just be for yourself .....that your finding yourself.

Hugs, Jessica

[Tatiana 79]

 my gosh you're only mortal this would throw anyone into a depression but hang in there sometimes when things seem the darkest it might signal hitting bottom then there's only one way to go but up I'm not familiar with the procedures in the UK but I would be absolutely horrified because I am on the doorstep of HRT at least I hope. I hope you can formulate some alternative plan to get your desired results but you already know who you are in your head and that's really all that counts the rest is cosmetic which I will admit would help with dysphoria but is not crucial. If I placed myself in your shoes I would just be as happy as I could possibly be we aren't always handed A fair set of cards we just have to play what we have the best we can. Sometimes if you want something bad enough you'll find a way to get it.

Know that we are all behind you unconditionally

   Love Tatiana

[FreyjaValkyrie]

Jay,

I was once given a piece of advice that has helped to push me through a lot of the major depressions and ditches I've landed in in my life so far: if you can count the number of the enemy, there is no challenge that cannot be overcome.  Essentially, so long as you have a finite number of problems, you can work them out.  I'm not going to pretend we have the same problems, but as a cop (in Texas!), a marine, parent and spouse I can tell you I've got trials of my own.  The depression can get very dark.  I think the first thing to do is get a handle on the chaos of your life.  A tall order.  So, itemize by step by step.  This is important to you, so put in the effort to make it happen.  Without specifics I don't know what all you need to do, so I can't get more helpful.  But if you want to pm me and talk I'll be happy to help however I can.  Keep fighting until you win.

Freyja

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Jaybutterfly

I see you are like me from UK and I note you have been having problems with NHS transgender services. I have great respect for our wonderful NHS but sadly it is not adequately funded for transgender care.

I assume you cannot afford private treatment eg GenderGP (with whom I am well satisfied for both therapy and other services) and hence I feel for you having to wait for NHS.

However you now (correctly I'm sure) describe yourself as depressed and my suggestion would be to see your GP again primarily for treatment for depression (as opposed gender dysphoria) as general therapy and/or medication may help you. I have had times in my life when I have been depressed and you will not want it get out of hand.

I wish you the best and hope your depression is temporary.

Hugs

Pamela

[jaybutterfly]

Hello Jaybutterfly

I see you are like me from UK and I note you have been having problems with NHS transgender services. I have great respect for our wonderful NHS but sadly it is not adequately funded for transgender care.

I assume you cannot afford private treatment eg GenderGP (with whom I am well satisfied for both therapy and other services) and hence I feel for you having to wait for NHS.

However you now (correctly I'm sure) describe yourself as depressed and my suggestion would be to see your GP again primarily for treatment for depression (as opposed gender dysphoria) as general therapy and/or medication may help you. I have had times in my life when I have been depressed and you will not want it get out of hand.

I wish you the best and hope your depression is temporary.

Hugs

Pamela

well they already put me on meds again and told me to go in for CBT again, but Ive been through that multiple times and it always ends up as

we cant help you with your gender issues but lets talk about the depression.

I dont see how trying to seperate the depression from its cause is going to be a permanent fix

[jaybutterfly]

in fact, screw these meds, theyve done nothing to help and all I feel is the side effects

[Michelle_P]

Way back when i was starting my journey into treatment, a bit over two whole years ago (LOL!),i had pretty strong anxiety and depression.  OK, extremely strong.  Rather than trying to medicate the depression, the generalist psychologist got me into a gender therapy program fairly quickly, where i was started on mindful meditation and weekly talk therapy, individual and group, to help me control this.  I went onto HRT after 3 months, a delay I wanted to make sure I needed this and was thinking clearly. The docs would have started me after one session, it turned out.

That is what cleared away much of the depression.  The immense calm i felt as the T blocker kicked in was remarkable, and once I started Estradiol the relief felt almost like euphoria.

I bring this up just because, rather than treating depression as a separate issue, i really do think more integrated care, as you hint at, can be beneficial to some of us.

I hope you'll be able to find proper care soon!