Low Dyshporia Moments and Guilt

[mjapx]

Hello, new here! Happy to finally start being part of this community instead of watching from the outside world. I'm 25 years old and after over 10 years of repressed feelings of gender dysphoria, I've finally accepted it's time to explore my gender identity. There are a few things that I've been struggling with and was hoping to receive any advice on.

One thing is that I've noticed a very low amount of dysphoria now that through therapy I've come to accept myself. It's definitely stopped me in my tracks and creating lots of confusion for me. I had all the plans to get hormones and move forward and now that I'm fine I'm questioning how serious of a problem this is for me if it can just instantly disappear quite a bit. I've also noticed my dysphoria almost dies through the summer (due to being very busy with work I'm assuming). Does anyone else experience this? My whole life the fall and winter months have been my worst dysphoria months. It's almost seasonal! I still become jealous and saddened seeing woman in public though which tells me it's not completely gone. I'm just going to assume it will be back again at full force eventually.

Another thing is I recently married. My wife and I have only been married for just over 6 months but we've been together for 10 years, high school sweet hearts. We've tried to make this work all year since I came out in January (I told her when I was 18 but fell back into each others arms as dysphoria faded) but i was driven by dysphoria and pushed her away too quickly. I've been like a train she's said. She was willing to give it a try. Unfortunately my dysphoria was so bad I decided I couldn't wait a few more years until we have planned to maybe have kids and even without dysphoria now, I feel I can't wait much longer to start hormones because I know it will eventually be back. That was the deal breaker for her and she doesn't want to freeze sperm. So we've decided to get an annulment sadly. It's extremely difficult because shes the only thing I've ever loved and wanted to be in my life and knew it for sure ans she feels the same way. I'm starting to think I need to talk to her and try to come up with a compromise. I think our separate counselors have pushed their own agendas honestly and not tried to work with the marriage factor. We've already talked about moving out and going our separate ways but we are both really struggling. The annulment hasn't been made yet either.

How do you deal with the guilt of knowing that you've crushed someones dreams for the future? I'm trying to support her in any way I can in the start of a new chapter for her life because we are still best friends. I just feel like being the cause of this I have no business there. Now that my dysphoria has faded so much I feel as though I need to try and heal the marriage that I can't let go of. I worry I'll just go back into the closet and repress everything as well and regret it when I'm in my 30's.

[Jessica]

Hi mjapx 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
Relationships can be the hardest hit, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.  Its good that you both have found counseling, but I would suggest counseling together may help you both.
Repression of feelings can and often do cause the problem to fester and erupt later in life.

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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You need to look at it from another point of view. What happens if at the age of 30 and have a family you pull the rug out from underneath your marriage. That has happened to many on the site and the mess is even worst. Your best option is to deal with this as soon as possible and come up with an agreement that's best for everybody over the long term. Preserve your sperm if you wish to remain together or let your wife have her freedom while she is still young and has the time to get what she desires. Yes, you will feel guilt for your past decisions but it will be less than you would have had you waited.

[krobinson103]

I'm married and have two kids. I waited, I hoped it might get better. Sure if you are busy it seems like it goes away but it never really does. I can tell you from experience it hurts ten times worse when you have over a decade invested in your marriage and have kids who are affected. Stay friends, let her go her own way you go yours. It will hurt now for sure, but far less than it would if you stayed married and ignored it.

[Michelle_P]

Some of the younger posters here have great advice.

I was "cured" in my late teens, 1969-70, and went on to get married and have children, when it came roaring  back. I suppressed some of the dysphoria with work, long hours that were hard on my family,but this and the "cure" made me a severely emotionally repressed person, and that did my family no good.

I don't know how other paths I might have taken would have turned out for me and them. I eventually found some peace, but I think I left a trail of emotional and psychological damage behind me that I cannot correct.

Some professional counseling for the two of you might be helpful in choosing your future path.


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[randim]

I think you would be making a large mistake to assume this has somehow gone away. There have been large stretches of my life where it has been dormant, dormant for years, but it always returns, seemingly with ever-increasing force when it does.  I don't think you want to be in a position of realizing in the winter years (as I have) that you have lived a partial life.  The closet is safe, but it carries an enormous cost.  I would encourage you to find a way to express your gender identity openly and in a way that feels natural and comfortable to you.

[ErinWDK]

The troubling thing here is that you say both you and your wife are seeing different counselors who are each pushing their own agenda.  If a counselor is pushing their own agenda they are not really good for you.  This sort of complexity suggests you both have a counselor AND you see one together.  Relationships are difficult.  In some ways it would be easy to walk away -- but doing that on advice from a counselor that is pushing their own agenda is not really good either.

I wish you the best in this.  It's hard.  My late wife would never have accepted the real me, and I held off on dealing with my issues.  That was not good either...

[KathyLauren]

Unfortunately my dysphoria was so bad I decided I couldn't wait a few more years until we have planned to maybe have kids and even without dysphoria now, I feel I can't wait much longer to start hormones because I know it will eventually be back.
...
I worry I'll just go back into the closet and repress everything as well and regret it when I'm in my 30's.

This is a valid concern.  Dysphoria doesn't go away.  It may be stronger sometimes and weaker at others, but it will always come back.  Usually, it gets more intense over time.

she doesn't want to freeze sperm.

What she means is that she doesn't want to be impregnated with frozen sperm.  Fair enough, but not quite the same thing. 

If you (individually) have a desire for children, you should freeze sperm before starting HRT.  If you stay together and she elects not to use it, no harm done.  If she changes her mind, or if you separate and you eventually end up in a new relationship with someone else, you will have the option to use it.

I think our separate counselors have pushed their own agendas honestly and not tried to work with the marriage factor.

If you (both) want to take another shot at it before separating, I would strongly agree with the suggestions above to go to a couples counsellor together.  Separate counsellors will work for the goals of separate people.  A couples counsellor will work for the goals of the couple, which is not happening right now.

[Barbara1]

After decades of fighting this,i believe we are born like this..why does nothing work?. physiotherapy,wil power,ect..NOTHING WORKS.I tries alcohol,drugs.etc..I acted more like a girl when I was high on drugs then I did normally.I could not control it.

[KathyLauren]

After decades of fighting this,i believe we are born like this..why does nothing work?. physiotherapy,wil power,ect..NOTHING WORKS.I tries alcohol,drugs.etc..I acted more like a girl when I was high on drugs then I did normally.I could not control it.

I agree, Barbara.  I think the evidence is pretty good that we are born this way.

The only thing that seems to bring dysphoria under control is some degree of transition, whether it be low-dose HRT, social transition, or GCS.