Acceptance by significant other...how long did it take?

[Jessica_Rose]

For those of you who are transitioning or have transitioned and have (or had) a long-term relationship or marriage, how long did it take your significant other to accept or reject you?

We have been married almost 34 years. I came out to my wife in Feb 2017, and I transitioned in Feb 2018. My wife and I have seen a therapist several times, but she says she is still trying to figure things out. No matter how great my mood is during the day, as soon as I get home everything changes, as if my happiness is suddenly sucked out of my soul. My wife can't share in my happiness or successes, she is still upset by my transition. I love my wife, but it hurts to realize that I am happier when I am away from her. She says that she loves me, and she tries to be helpful, but her not being able to share in my joy is becoming more painful every day. I really don't want to give her an ultimatum, but I am close to asking her to choose her own path. If she can't be happy with me, maybe she would be happier without me? Maybe we just need some time apart?

[KathyLauren]

Sorry you are facing such a tough choice, Jessica.

My wife, I am happy to say, has been exemplary.  She stated her committment to supporting me within the first couple of minutes after I came out to her, and she has not wavered in that support.  She realized, even before I had explicitly stated it, that the person I was would not be changing, that my values and experiences would remain with me.

It breaks my heart that other spouses are not so understanding.  It reinforces to me just how lucky I am.

[Alanna1990]

well.. I divorced, after 3 months of suffering mean words and aggressions (like telling me nobody would ever love me like that), now I'm married again and everything is way better than before

[Cassandra B]

My wife knew about my being intersexed and Transgendered before we started to date, so it wasn't really a surprise to her when I made the choice to start HRT in November of last year. She is amazingly supportive and I couldn't ask for more from her. Now, my first marriage, she never did come to the point of acceptance, she wasn't mean to me but, I made the choice to end the marriage because being nice wasn't enough for me; I needed someone that saw me for who I am and is ok with it.

[JoanneB]

My wife and I have been together one way or another (Complicated) for 40 years now. She also knew from day one of my gender "issues"

Accept - Yes
Reject - No

To what point or level of acceptance? Being "Just a CD" No prob. Knowing of my "History" of HRT, TS dreams - OK... Some 30 years later dropping "The T-Bomb" - sort of OK. The reality of it all - Still ok but....

[warlockmaker]

Acceptance and continuing in the relationship are very different things. My definition of acceptance is tthe the person holds no prejudices and supports your decision. It does  not mean you continue as husband and wife. Their sexual orientation may not be able to change. Also your sexual orientation can change. My wife is accepting and supportive but our sexual orientations are now not aligned. We are now great friends.

[TonyaW]

I'll you let know when (hopefully) it happens. I'm at a similar place. Married 31 years, together 6+ years before that.  First told her it was more than crossdressing in Sept.  2016, HRT started Feb 2017, full time I guess would be Aug 2017 when I told work.

My wife can't share in my happiness or successes, she is still upset by my transition.

This is the thing that hurts me most.  Positive steps in my transition she still sees as steps away from her.

She didn't ask for this and im sure its not something that she would have ever imagined as a possible way her life might be.

She's still around and I really believe she is trying.

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Sylvia]

I have to say, that 15 months out of a 30+ year marriage isn't very long at all. She is still there, that's great, as long as you want her to still be there. Also, coming out to the world, being full time, changing your name, all in that space of time, is a lot to take on.
As others have said 'acceptance' doesn't mean 'sharing the joy'. Look at it from your wife's point of view. She has had a husband for most of her married life. Now she doesn't. What is there for her to be joyful about? Was your marriage awful? Were you a bad husband? If that is the case, then, yes, that is something to be happy about, if you have become and all-round wonderful human being and a great partner to your wife. That is a positive, but to her you are not the person she married. She's having to get to know the real you, all over again, while grieving for the old you. And we all know that grieving is a long process.
I agree with Tonya, positive steps in transition, to the partner, are like another step away from everything she has known. Every small step my partner takes, breaks my heart just a little bit more, every time, and he is aware of this, and tries to take things slowly, discusses things with me, and hates that he is hurting me. Your wife didn't sign up for this. She didn't ask for it. I suspect she didn't want it. But she is there, she is trying, and it will take more than 15 months to work through it. If she didn't love you, she'd be gone already.
Please give her more time.
Syl

[josie76]

Still in progress. Now a year and seven months since we had the talk. We are working on it.

From her point of view she was grieving the person she thought I was. My experience was always different of course. I do my best to see her side as well as mine. I never felt that I was good enough at being the man she wanted. She seems to have always had expectations of what a man is supposed to be. I used to wonder why she expected those things. I more than a few times thought "but I'm not like that". She tends to dislike me having emotional responses to her or to life in general. I didn't cry very often before coming out but she hated it when it happened. I learned I wasn't supposed to have feelings of my own. The short of it was I tried to be more who she expected and less and less myself. This didn't help any.

Since coming out and starting HRT I cannot hide my emotions any longer. This she still dislikes. On the other hand we understand each other better than before. We generally both try more now than before. She says now she does want to be with me. In the last year she went from wanting me to wanting me gone over and over again. I hope we have turned the corner at this point.

Her issue remains that she is sad over the man she feels like she lost. The man I never was able to be. She misses the idea of masculinity that I never really filled for her. She let me know enough that I was not good enough. However she internalized that she was not good enough because I didn't act like she thought a man should. It was a massive misunderstanding.

From my side, she isn't always ready to let me find my own way of being myself. Yesterday she went to the store for a few things and unexpectedly bought a bunch of shirts for me. She came back and demanded I get rid of regular tee shirts and replace them with what she bought. I'm not completely ready to throw out tee shirts. In some ways I need something that can be boy like. My grandfather does not really know what is going on with me. Our house is right next to theirs. He has seen my hair grow longer and my earrings but I have thus far kept plain shirts and sweatshirts on around him. I would like to buy some more fem cut tee shirts. Often I'm afraid to spend money on myself because every time I do she tells me I am being selfish.

Things have improved very recently. This is just the past year summed up. Things still aren't always good. I still experience anxiety over what she will think of every action I take. We are trying to make some form of relationship work but she is currently without the masculine she desires and I am sometimes without the freedom to be myself that I need.

[Jessica_Rose]

First I want to thank all of you for your advice and comments!

My wife and I had a good weekend, and we did discuss this issue. Her first comment was that I am not the source of her sadness, which means that we can work together to find a solution. Based on our discussion she seems to be depressed because both of our daughters are now out of the house. After having children in the house for over 20 years she feels somewhat lost without them. Although there are still some issues between us that we need to overcome, I think we will be OK. I told that if our marriage can survive my transition, then there is nothing that can tear us apart. We have a therapist appointment on Wednesday, and hopefully she can help us work through this.

Why didn't I find out about this sooner? Probably because my wife is still getting used to the fact that I have feelings other than anger now. Instead of discussing the issue she was holding back because in the past (pre-HRT) I would have just brushed her feelings aside. I don't blame her, I blame 'him'.

My thanks again to all of you, and make sure you find joy in your journey.

[bobbisue]

     Jessica I am glad you two talked through this hurdle I came out to my wife 3 years ago we are still working through it but it is getting better this is a huge change for both so give it time I know it is hard but it is worth the effort some times it seems that my wife is holding me back but really she is keeping me grounded

     Bobbisue

[Laurie]

Hi Jessica,

  I left a note in your other thread. I am glad to read here that you two are going to see a professional for assistance in resolving things. That is a very good thing.
  I have been in that position of my wife not telling me things because she was afraid to do so because of the mean rotten person I have been. I know that I have changed at least a little in that respect. Probably more than I will allow myself to realize. I am sure my ex would not believe it and still be afraid of me and my reactions. Damn it. I would be if I were her knowing how I was. Your wife is likely dealing with something similar. You know you have changed, She can see you are acting different, but there is still that disbelief that stems from so many years living with a dysphoric him. It is going to take time to believe in the changes see is seeing. It is still relatively new in the scheme of things and it isn't something a wife can believe easily.  I wish you both happiness and a short time to resolve the issues.
  I don't know why she has a difficult talking things over with you. She had no trouble talking with me. She seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. I don't really know why that was but I sure enjoyed it.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[gallinarosa]

I have been in that position of my wife not telling me things because she was afraid to do so because of the person I have been. You know you have changed, but there is still that disbelief that stems from so many years living with a dysphoric him. It is going to take time to believe in the changes see is seeing.

^^^ What she said! (I edited it to be less negative-sounding  )

A good therapist can help you and your wife relearn how to communicate with each other in a healthier way. It is maybe even more important than addressing any trans issues because you can't address anything properly until you are communicating well. I know I have developed habits over the last 20 years in response to how the relationship was going. I have a tendency to clam up out of a knee-jerk reaction to protect myself, or at least to avoid useless conflict. Our therapist is going to try to do exercise with us to improve how we engage in discussions with each other. I am very hopeful.

Good luck to you both and have patience!

[RoRo]

I am so sorry you are going through this with your wife. During your transition you are going to need her more than ever and if she isn't on the same page that has to be a huge burden on you and I understand totally why you feel better when you are away from her.

To answer your question, I have always had the policy to be upfront right away with the guys that were possibilities for relationships. My Fiance was accepting of me right from the start. I was fully transitioned and post op so other than him wanting as much information about what I had gone through it didn't change his love for me. We met 3 years ago and this past November he proposed to me and we are in the early stages of planning a 2019 wedding.