Denial

[Lady Skylar]

I'm having so many thoughts and it's driving me crazy. Most of the time I'm feeling very excited and eager to start HRT therapy as soon as possible but then I have times when I start thinking I can't or shouldn't do this.. I'm pretty sure the reason why I have the negative thoughts against transitioning is because of the overwhelming fear of what could or could not happen. The fear of not knowing I guess you could say. I wake up every morning though thinking I really need to start my transition now before it's too late. I'm getting up there in age. I know if I do start HRT now I'll soon be happy and be able to live who I really am. It feels like an addiction almost. I just want to ask all of you lovely girls who have been through this already, is it just me or does everyone go through this? Thanks so much sweetie's

Skylar

[BlueJaye]

The thing that helped me was to realize that this is all one day and one step at a time. If you're too focused on the end destination you can can't focus on the road right in front of you or enjoy the journey.

I, too, put off HRT for many years, and even in the last six months had scheduled appointments with the endocrinologist, then cancelled out of fear, then did finally go but chickened out during the visit and said I wasn't ready. Then I FINALLY took the plunge and started HRT.

It was a long road getting here, but now I am very glad I did. HRT has changed my life, even in the few weeks I've been on it. I feel like a new person. I don't know what my end destination is, whether I will fully transition or how long it will take or anything,  but I know that HRT is in my life to stay. I don't know I functioned for so long without it. And right now I'm just happy to be more "me" than I have ever felt. I'm no longer stressing out over what transition means for me, how I need to look or dress, or whether I should be planning for surgeries, and all that stuff. For the first time I just feel like if I get o those points, I'll move forward, but finally feel like the future is wide open and transition is more of spectrum than a definite thing.

[Rachel]

Hi skylar,

I will have been on HRT 5 years on the 28th. I had a lot of back and forth about transitioning. I think it is normal to question.

My therapist at the time recommended that when I go on HRT that I stay on HRT 4 months before I would stop if I had second thoughts. After 2 weeks I knew I would never go off HRT.

[christinej78]

I'm having so many thoughts and it's driving me crazy. Most of the time I'm feeling very excited and eager to start HRT therapy as soon as possible but then I have times when I start thinking I can't or shouldn't do this.. I'm pretty sure the reason why I have the negative thoughts against transitioning is because of the overwhelming fear of what could or could not happen. The fear of not knowing I guess you could say. I wake up every morning though thinking I really need to start my transition now before it's too late. I'm getting up there in age. I know if I do start HRT now I'll soon be happy and be able to live who I really am. It feels like an addiction almost. I just want to ask all of you lovely girls who have been through this already, is it just me or does everyone go through this? Thanks so much sweetie's

Skylar

Welcome Lady Skylar,          04 May 2018

You made a comment above: "I wake up every morning though thinking I really need to start my transition now before it's too late. I'm getting up there in age."  The only time it's too late is when they are shoveling dirt over you. As long as you are on the green side of the lawn, go for it.

If you think I may not know what I'm talking about, you may be right. But then being as young as I am I may have some insight into transitioning at a more seasoned age. I started my transition in March of this year and I'm loving every second of it. I am at the happiest I have ever been so if you think you should transition, then do it. Take it one step at a time and see how you feel and then proceed to the next step. You can go as far as you want. Be sure to have counselors that have a good reputation in the transgender community. As you progress you will need good doctors that are experienced in transgender issues. Your counselors should be able to recommend good doctors.

Hope this helps you along on your new adventure. I hope you don't mind a youthful MTF gal giving you a bit of advice.

Oh, by the way, I failed to mention that when I started my transition this past March 2018, I was 77 years young. That's not a typo, I'll be 78 in three months.

Best wishes young lady! Join in the fun.

Best Always,
Christine

[Meghan]

Best decision is to talk to Behavior Health specialist to make sure about your decision and find local TransWomen Support Group for support while on transition to help deal with daily life and change in your body.

Sent from my XT1650 using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi Skylar,

  I'm Laurie I don't think we have met. Starting HRT was the one thing I did not question. I got it and I started it just like that. Now every other step in the process has been fraught with doubt, fear, and a little panic. I have been taking my HRT for a year and four months. You would think that I pretty well knew what I wanted by now, wouldn't you? Just this past weekend I had a minor panic attack at the prospect of changing my name. The forms were all filled out and ready to turn. All I needed to do was get to the clerks window in the morning and show ID, sign them, pay my fees. Monday I was still having issues about it by Tuesday I had gotten over it but too late to go, Wednesday morning I dismissed 3 alarms and didn't get up to get ready in time to go. Thursday I did get up and got them turned in without a problem at all. Now I have 3 - 4 weeks to think about it before I get a court date then I can panic all over again.
  Yes, it is normal to have these worrisome thoughts and doubts.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Skylar

I completely recommend you start HRT for 2 separate reasons:

1. Even if anyone is not absolutely certain they wish to go on our journey the only was is to "explore" as everyone starts on low dose and very soon after you are likely to know whether it is for you or not.

2. You state you know you'll be happy and wish to live ultimately as your true self.
From my perspective I certainly saw emotional benefits within a few weeks and some minor physical benefits also.

However it is your decision of course.

I wish you every success whatever route you choose.

Pamela

[krobinson103]

The decision to start on HRT was probably one of the hardest I have ever made. However despite the high cost in terms of relationships the results are beyond my expectations. My advice is go for it. I knew after two days that the only way I'm stopping HRT is to be dead. This is the way its meant to be and its never too late start.

[Tessa James]

Hey Lady Skylar,

My short quick response is yes.  I have been privileged to know and work with hundreds of us in person and have read thousands of personal narratives dealing with denial and it is a way too common theme.  I was so good at purging items and ideas that i simply "forgot" that my past cross dressing lasted for decades.  During my early therapy sessions back in 2012 the reality of my past and hidden burdens was finally thrown out and what a tremendous relief!  Never felt better in my long life than since transition started.

There are plenty of reasonable fears and doubts.  I did not want to be a failed man but self acceptance and self liberation are very worthy goals.  Its justifiable to be reflective, introspective and examine our selves well on this journey.  I waited, debated and denied for so long that when I finally felt free it was damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

We don't need all the answers to address our distress and dysphoria with plans for a better life ahead.

[Lady Skylar]

Hello again Skylar

I completely recommend you start HRT for 2 separate reasons:

1. Even if anyone is not absolutely certain they wish to go on our journey the only was is to "explore" as everyone starts on low dose and very soon after you are likely to know whether it is for you or not.

2. You state you know you'll be happy and wish to live ultimately as your true self.
From my perspective I certainly saw emotional benefits within a few weeks and some minor physical benefits also.

However it is your decision of course.

I wish you every success whatever route you choose.

Pamela

Thank you for this answer. It has helped me to make my decision to move forward without hesitation. Thanks again.

Skylar

[Lady Skylar]

The thing that helped me was to realize that this is all one day and one step at a time. If you're too focused on the end destination you can can't focus on the road right in front of you or enjoy the journey.

I, too, put off HRT for many years, and even in the last six months had scheduled appointments with the endocrinologist, then cancelled out of fear, then did finally go but chickened out during the visit and said I wasn't ready. Then I FINALLY took the plunge and started HRT.

It was a long road getting here, but now I am very glad I did. HRT has changed my life, even in the few weeks I've been on it. I feel like a new person. I don't know what my end destination is, whether I will fully transition or how long it will take or anything,  but I know that HRT is in my life to stay. I don't know I functioned for so long without it. And right now I'm just happy to be more "me" than I have ever felt. I'm no longer stressing out over what transition means for me, how I need to look or dress, or whether I should be planning for surgeries, and all that stuff. For the first time I just feel like if I get o those points, I'll move forward, but finally feel like the future is wide open and transition is more of spectrum than a definite thing.

Thank you Blue Jaye

Skylar

[Lady Skylar]

Hi skylar,

I will have been on HRT 5 years on the 28th. I had a lot of back and forth about transitioning. I think it is normal to question.

My therapist at the time recommended that when I go on HRT that I stay on HRT 4 months before I would stop if I had second thoughts. After 2 weeks I knew I would never go off HRT.

Thank you Rachel

Skylar

[Lady Skylar]

Thank all of you lovely ladies for your answers. You all are the best support group any woman could ask for and I appreciate all your insight. Thanks again so much.

Skylar

[maybesoph]

Welcome Lady Skylar,          04 May 2018

You made a comment above: "I wake up every morning though thinking I really need to start my transition now before it's too late. I'm getting up there in age."  The only time it's too late is when they are shoveling dirt over you. As long as you are on the green side of the lawn, go for it.

If you think I may not know what I'm talking about, you may be right. But then being as young as I am I may have some insight into transitioning at a more seasoned age. I started my transition in March of this year and I'm loving every second of it. I am at the happiest I have ever been so if you think you should transition, then do it. Take it one step at a time and see how you feel and then proceed to the next step. You can go as far as you want. Be sure to have counselors that have a good reputation in the transgender community. As you progress you will need good doctors that are experienced in transgender issues. Your counselors should be able to recommend good doctors.

Hope this helps you along on your new adventure. I hope you don't mind a youthful MTF gal giving you a bit of advice.

Oh, by the way, I failed to mention that when I started my transition this past March 2018, I was 77 years young. That's not a typo, I'll be 78 in three months.

Best wishes young lady! Join in the fun.

Best Always,
Christine

Hi Christine,

I found this message so inspiring, wondering at 44 if I had missed the chance but you've confirmed I haven't.
So Thank you from my heart.

Sophie

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

[Maybebaby56]

I'm having so many thoughts and it's driving me crazy. Most of the time I'm feeling very excited and eager to start HRT therapy as soon as possible but then I have times when I start thinking I can't or shouldn't do this.. I'm pretty sure the reason why I have the negative thoughts against transitioning is because of the overwhelming fear of what could or could not happen. The fear of not knowing I guess you could say. I wake up every morning though thinking I really need to start my transition now before it's too late. I'm getting up there in age. I know if I do start HRT now I'll soon be happy and be able to live who I really am. It feels like an addiction almost. I just want to ask all of you lovely girls who have been through this already, is it just me or does everyone go through this? Thanks so much sweetie's

Skylar

Hi Lady Skylar,

First of all, feeling trepidation about transition is perfectly natural.  Transition is the toughest and scariest thing I have ever done.  I would be very surprised if you did not have these thoughts. To transition is to let go of our outward identity, and risk losing everything we value: our friends, our family, and our careers.  This does not always happen, of course, but the decision to transition requires that you at least acknowledge the potential for that loss, and that is frightening indeed.

So how is it done?  Everyone has their own path, so I can only answer for myself.  For me, it began by acknowledging that a lifetime of wishing I were a girl, and constantly recurring episodes of crossdressing, self-loathing, purging everything female, and promising myself that I would never do that again, meant there was something profoundly wrong in my life, and I had to deal with it if I had any chance of ever being happy.

I did this for decades before finally having the courage to do something about it. It seems that you are now at this point.  HRT in itself is not an irreversible commitment, and can function as a litmus test of sorts.  As far as what can happen, well, one outcome is nothing.  Nothing happens.  You don't feel better and you don't feel worse as far as your gender dysphoria.  However, that was not my experience.

I was given an anti-androgen (spiro) at first and nothing else.  I didn't feel much. Then after a few weeks the spiro dose was doubled and a small dose of estradiol was added.  In a matter of a couple of weeks, my libido vanished, which was very welcome, and so did my dysphoria.  It was profound and yet subtle. I felt so much more at ease with myself. I felt okay with myself, after a lifetime of self-loathing.  This was a revelation, and a point of no return for me. There was no way I was going back to being my old self.

The litmus test was that I still felt a strong desire to be female even with zero sex drive. This told me that my gender identification was no fetish or had anything to do with sex.  With that knowledge, my thinking changed from "There is no way I can do this", to "I have to find a way to do this." It was no more "want to", it was "have to".   

Yes, I was still fearful, but I surprised myself with courage I did not know I possessed.  I suspect you will find that courage, too.

With kindness,

Terri

[Lady Skylar]

Hi Lady Skylar,

First of all, feeling trepidation about transition is perfectly natural.  Transition is the toughest and scariest thing I have ever done.  I would be very surprised if you did not have these thoughts. To transition is to let go of our outward identity, and risk losing everything we value: our friends, our family, and our careers.  This does not always happen, of course, but the decision to transition requires that you at least acknowledge the potential for that loss, and that is frightening indeed.

So how is it done?  Everyone has their own path, so I can only answer for myself.  For me, it began by acknowledging that a lifetime of wishing I were a girl, and constantly recurring episodes of crossdressing, self-loathing, purging everything female, and promising myself that I would never do that again, meant there was something profoundly wrong in my life, and I had to deal with it if I had any chance of ever being happy.

I did this for decades before finally having the courage to do something about it. It seems that you are now at this point.  HRT in itself is not an irreversible commitment, and can function as a litmus test of sorts.  As far as what can happen, well, one outcome is nothing.  Nothing happens.  You don't feel better and you don't feel worse as far as your gender dysphoria.  However, that was not my experience.

I was given an anti-androgen (spiro) at first and nothing else.  I didn't feel much. Then after a few weeks the spiro dose was doubled and a small dose of estradiol was added.  In a matter of a couple of weeks, my libido vanished, which was very welcome, and so did my dysphoria.  It was profound and yet subtle. I felt so much more at ease with myself. I felt okay with myself, after a lifetime of self-loathing.  This was a revelation, and a point of no return for me. There was no way I was going back to being my old self.

The litmus test was that I still felt a strong desire to be female even with zero sex drive. This told me that my gender identification was no fetish or had anything to do with sex.  With that knowledge, my thinking changed from "There is no way I can do this", to "I have to find a way to do this." It was no more "want to", it was "have to".   

Yes, I was still fearful, but I surprised myself with courage I did not know I possessed.  I suspect you will find that courage, too.

With kindness,

Terri

Thank you Terri. Crazy that I've never had much libido anyway, and always had a problem with very low testosterone my whole life. Always thought it was just that I had ED, and about 5 years got an penile implant to conform with the I have to be the man thing to save my marriage. But after getting the implant surgery it never changed anything except that I only wish I hadn't done it because it's still not who I am. Maybe this whole time the real problem was and is I just need the girl parts to match my brain. Funny how life works and throws us curves, but with every one of you kind ladies words it gives me an idea of the road I must go and you all make me feel better about making the right decisions. Thanks all of you. Much love Skylar

Skylar

[christinej78]

Hi Christine,

I found this message so inspiring, wondering at 44 if I had missed the chance but you've confirmed I haven't.
So Thank you from my heart.

Sophie

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Hi Sophie,                04 May 2018

Thank you for the very kind words; I'm glad that my post is of some help to you. It is obvious from all the posts here that each persons transition journey is a personal issue, made at their comfort level. Some of my earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl Growing up in the early forties prevented me from saying anything to my parents. Had I done so, my father would have killed me. I repressed my desires as best I could. Rather than rehash what I have already posted, I'll jump forward 25 years.

I got married, had a fantastic wife that helped me with my wearing of women's clothing. Long story, we got divorced (I walked out on her), all my fault. After two failed marriages I gave up on that institution. About 6 or so years ago I started dressing almost exclusively female. To be clear I only wore women's jeans, slacks, shoes, and shirts that were somewhat neutral, but with many feminine colors. I have been wearing women's under-ware for 48 years.

Last year I started doing some research on a different subject that was slightly related to transgender. Long story short I continued my research adding transgender. It soon became my main focus. Once I was convinced that transitioning MTF was the right decision. I sought out a counselor that had a lot of experience with transgender clients. I wrote a personal bio that I took to my first appointment. She read, we talked, each asked questions. When the session was finished she told me I was a transgender woman.

My first appointment was 08 March 2018, I consider that day the official start of my transition. I had two visits with her, one with a second counselor, visit to my primary doctor, an endocrinologist, and two pre-op visits with a surgeon. My orchi surgery was on Friday 13 April 2018. All that was done within 5 weeks and 1 day.

Why did I move so fast? I am 77 years of age, will be 78 in three months. Most likely I don't have 30 or 40 years remaining, so I wanted to get where I wanted to be as rapidly as possible. I didn't want to waste my time on any test periods, which most folks are required to endure. What I have had done is irreversible, that's why they generally require you to go slowly, in case you change your mind you can stop and most of the changes will reverse and you will be back to where you were when you started. Stopping is not an option for me, nor do I want it to be.

I am happier than I have ever been, I have outed myself to just about everyone I know and even to strangers. Outing has actually been fun. As time goes on I continue to add attire that is more obviously feminine. This afternoon I went to our monthly MTF group meeting. My attire was noticeably more feminine than usual. On the way home I stopped at a crowded Cracker Barrel and had dinner; no one seemed to give a hoot how I was dressed and I wouldn't have cared if they did.

I don't want to hold myself up as a model for anyone to try and follow. My case is unusual due to age, I would not recommend a young person transitioning as rapidly as I have; they have many years ahead of them. I see my life as being somewhat like a football or basketball game, which consists of four quarters. I am in the fourth quarter of my life; I have done more in the first three quarters of my life than 10 people; I know how I want to live the fourth quarter along with some overtime thrown in.

My advice: Seek out good competent transgender counselors, find good doctors and surgeons. Do NOT self medicate; that is asking for trouble. Research transitioning, drugs used, types of surgeries, surgical options, get references, talk to people who have transitioned. Scour this site; there is a wealth of information and advice here and it's a friendly and safe place. Before I started my transition I was here reading as much as I could. There is one person here, Devlyn, who documented her orchiectomy. I used her journey as a model for mine. I am very grateful for her postings and the answers she provided to my questions. There have been many others here that have helped my along the way, too many to mention individually. I love this place, it's a super asset to our community (those of us that live it each day of our lives), to the world and to anyone curious about transgender.

Sorry this is so long; once I get started I have a difficult time stopping, I hope it is found to be useful, but not used as a model. Every person is an individual and requires an individual course. That's where one's counselors, doctors and fellow travelers on the "Transition Highway" come into play. No one person has all the answers.

Above all, please stay safe.

Best Always; and thank you again Sophie,
Christine

   

[Katie Ellen]

Hi Skylar,

I could have written your original post. I know exactly where you are because I'm there right now. Like most of you, I've wanted to be a girl my whole life even though I've had a pretty good male life.

I started therapy 5 months ago. My gender therapist is sure that I'm a trans women. Although I've amazed myself with some of the things that I've done, I still find each next step frightening. This in itself makes me doubt whether this is the right thing for me to do.

My doctor ok'd my HRT meds last week. They should be here this Wednesday (mail order). On one hand I can't wait for them to get here, but on the other I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I'm actually holding them in my hand?

[christinej78]

Hi Skylar,

I could have written your original post. I know exactly where you are because I'm there right now. Like most of you, I've wanted to be a girl my whole life even though I've had a pretty good male life.

I started therapy 5 months ago. My gender therapist is sure that I'm a trans women. Although I've amazed myself with some of the things that I've done, I still find each next step frightening. This in itself makes me doubt whether this is the right thing for me to do.

My doctor ok'd my HRT meds last week. They should be here this Wednesday (mail order). On one hand I can't wait for them to get here, but on the other I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I'm actually holding them in my hand?

Hi Katie Ellen,                 06 April 2018

Happy to see you here; I miss you.

The only advice this old gal can give is: listen to your Heart and the "Little Voice" within.

Best Always, all my Love to You and Your Wife; God Bless,
Christine

[pamelatransuk]

Hi Lady Skylar,

First of all, feeling trepidation about transition is perfectly natural.  Transition is the toughest and scariest thing I have ever done.  I would be very surprised if you did not have these thoughts. To transition is to let go of our outward identity, and risk losing everything we value: our friends, our family, and our careers.  This does not always happen, of course, but the decision to transition requires that you at least acknowledge the potential for that loss, and that is frightening indeed.

So how is it done?  Everyone has their own path, so I can only answer for myself.  For me, it began by acknowledging that a lifetime of wishing I were a girl, and constantly recurring episodes of crossdressing, self-loathing, purging everything female, and promising myself that I would never do that again, meant there was something profoundly wrong in my life, and I had to deal with it if I had any chance of ever being happy.

I did this for decades before finally having the courage to do something about it. It seems that you are now at this point.  HRT in itself is not an irreversible commitment, and can function as a litmus test of sorts.  As far as what can happen, well, one outcome is nothing.  Nothing happens.  You don't feel better and you don't feel worse as far as your gender dysphoria.  However, that was not my experience.

I was given an anti-androgen (spiro) at first and nothing else.  I didn't feel much. Then after a few weeks the spiro dose was doubled and a small dose of estradiol was added.  In a matter of a couple of weeks, my libido vanished, which was very welcome, and so did my dysphoria.  It was profound and yet subtle. I felt so much more at ease with myself. I felt okay with myself, after a lifetime of self-loathing.  This was a revelation, and a point of no return for me. There was no way I was going back to being my old self.

The litmus test was that I still felt a strong desire to be female even with zero sex drive. This told me that my gender identification was no fetish or had anything to do with sex.  With that knowledge, my thinking changed from "There is no way I can do this", to "I have to find a way to do this." It was no more "want to", it was "have to".   

Yes, I was still fearful, but I surprised myself with courage I did not know I possessed.  I suspect you will find that courage, too.

With kindness,

Terri

Hello Terri

I regularly read your posts which include sound worthwhile advice and experience.

This posts of yours is highly commendable especially para 5. It describes my situation perfectly. I am sure Skylar and many other readers will really appreciate your contributions.

Pamela