Possibly triggering -- value in addressing abusive parent

[SadieBlake]

I'm stuck addressing this now because I'm badly triggered and dealing with PTSD response after a really bad interaction with my parent a few weeks back.

For many years I've been sitting the fence on this fearing that any attempt to try to repair things with someone who's only grown more withdrawn and angry over the years will only result in a damaging interaction.

The thing is I'm quite accomplished in my life and no small part of my motivation was to give them something to be proud of. It's exacerbated in that they have so little to point to in their own, have always lived on others' incomes, have literally no understanding of what I've done in my life and yet feel entitled to belittle me and pass judgement on me.

I'm not out with them and most of our conflicts originate in their rigidity around gender roles and identity. I'm not contemplating being out either, I'd have to ... Well want to feel some sense of safety.

So I'm left with the options of accepting this is the way it is and just waiting out the years to their death or try one last time to get some improvement. I've built a life with my queer and intentional family that has finally allowed me some real joy and yet one really bad interaction can leave me vulnerable and shaky for weeks.

I know others here have walked similar paths, many of you have been rejected or  had to cut ties forever, any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Devlyn]

I didn't even have transgender on my radar when I cut ties with my mother. When I found out she was dying I came out to my sisters and a very quick discussion about her newly found religious beliefs resulted in a unanimous decision that she should NOT be told about me. Shortly thereafter I wore a black dress to her funeral.

Sadie, you deserve only the best in life, and  that doesn't include toxic people. Even if they're family.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Doreen]

I didn't even have transgender on my radar when I cut ties with my mother. When I found out she was dying I came out to my sisters and a very quick discussion about her newly found religious beliefs resulted in a unanimous decision that she should NOT be told about me. Shortly thereafter I wore a black dress to her funeral.

Sadie, you deserve only the best in life, and  that doesn't include toxic people. Even if they're family.

Hugs, Devlyn

I have to agree. My mother is horribly toxic, rigidly set in fundamentalist beliefs.  Even being intersexed, showing her the mri's, ultrasounds, diagnosis... she still refuses to believe any of it. 

You can't reason with many folks. You can't show them proof or logic.  They already have their blinders on and can't see beyond.  In the end, all you can do is walk away from such toxicity.  I still keep in minimal contact with her, but she still refuses to see me as me.  I told her even if I came home pregnant she wouldn't accept it.. I was right in stating this, as she did not refute it.  So be it... so endeth it.

[SadieBlake]

Well Dev, Doreen I can't say you're wrong (obviously nobody deserves toxic people), and like you I built distance - short of completely cutting ties but damned close - long before I realized I was trans.

Like you Dev, my daughters both advised against being out with their grandparent, as I said, that's not on the table but is in the back of my mind as it means staying closeted wrt 95% of my family.

Completely severing ties would also place a burden on my daughters.

What I've decided is to discuss the need to put some respect back into that relationship. In fact, I'm about to make that call, wish me luck.

[Devlyn]

I'll wish you strength rather than luck. I know you have plenty, but this is going to use some up. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Dev, I guess I can sayit didn't go any worse than I'd expect, they're as self centered as always and remain disappointingly able at self deception.

The main thing I gained from this is an understanding of one of the truly horrid things they said a couple of years ago and while it's still not pretty, it's better to know than wonder.

I accomplished the other thing I had in mind which was opening a space in which I can choose to come out or not. I'm off I'm the rain shortly to go chat about that with my pshrink.

Thanks again :-)

[SadieBlake]

Well I did it, came out to parent on Monday.

Can't say as I think it will go anywhere. her response: "I can't say as I'm happy about it but I guess it's your choice"

Also made some noises about how she thought we had good genes .. I'm thinking like "OK genetics aren't the cause but I know I can't ever convince you of that because you refuse to listen to anything 'sciency'"

Upshot, I feel better. I can now be out with the rest of my family and go to places I might encounter extended family without worrying that my transition will get back to her.

Also I've taken the only step I can see to making a more positive relationship there. There aren't many years left for that and I had a feeling that if I didn't give it a go while it was still possible, I could feel bad about it after she passes on.

I doubt there's much more to say there.

[Sno]

Oh my  she just DARVO'd you... (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Why we get prsssured to maintain toxic family relationships I'll never know, the outcome can only be more pain.

Do what you need to look after yourself


Rowan

[Lady Sarah]

My adoptive mother severed my ties with the family, except for occasional phone calls. She had always said my happiness would be over her dead body. Very soon after I found my biological mother, my adoptive mother passed away. She was so toxic, that the rest of the family obeyed her wishes, and would not call or write anymore. Why? Because she knew (when I was very very young) that I was different, and he own dogmatic views told her I was somehow sin incarnate.

If your parent gets into that stride, there will be problems you cannot even fathom yet. Just thinking about the things my adoptive mother has done stresses me out, and she has been dead for 15 years.

[SailorMars1994]

I love you Sadie. You are such a great woman who back in 2016 helped snatch me from the jaws of trying to off myself. You been through so much but you're a beacon of hope and positivity , you are my role model and my adoptive trans-mother :')

Just know you're loved, respected and valued here. Abusive parents, bio or step are horrid experiences to deal with but girl, you're miles ahead of them. Love ya

[Doreen]

Oh my  she just DARVO'd you... (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Why we get prsssured to maintain toxic family relationships I'll never know, the outcome can only be more pain.

Do what you need to look after yourself


Rowan

That is exactly what my mother always does.. somehow she's always the victim.. at first she said I was 'doing all this' in rebellion to her.  I literally laughed.. how can all this be?  That I really hate HER that much? please.  Then of course she changed it to rebellion to GOD and his divine almighty will.

Well news flash.   If god created me he literally made me this way.  In my case alien organs they still can't identify, no prostate or other internal male parts, and cramps that never relent.  Pft. 

I'm a woman now (technically girl if you search google for similar images lol).  Hear me roar.  And mom?  Its not about you, get over yourself.   Too bad I know she'll never read this.

Honestly I found this approach to be the most internally therapeutic route for me.  Eventually, even though you still love the toxic people in your life, you are you and have your own life to live... with or without their actual love.