Hello everyone,
I am thinking about how I am going to write this introduction to you and it occurs to me that I am also writing this to myself as well.
I look back to how we were programmed to think and act since I can remember. Years ago I met a lady (briefly) who basically said why do we "have" to act like anything? Why can't we just be "ourselves"? So that really is the question, who am I? We do things for the purpose of social convention, but what do we do for ourselves? Why is it that what we do for ourselves may make us happy, but it is not accepted? With that thought, I looked back to what I have done (within the scope of being a tgirl) and to explore this more openly to myself. I remember little incidents growing up but I am mostly focusing on the last decade for now as this is what brought me here.
Without getting to lengthy and boring others I will just put selective information down and maybe expand on things later (so stay tuned
).
Maternal instinct: I raised two lovely daughters as a single parent. I was a Girl Scout leader, cheer dad and a non-traditional student. It was apparent I was not "permitted" or welcomed at times into the female sect, including scholarships for single parents. But I did learn many things about being female including the vocab and vernacular of this group I was not privy to growing up.
Part of the club: I discovered certain video games that I could play as a female avatar and some games with limited female only attributes. I found myself lost in the enjoyment of this ability. Later I participated in a larger global "game" where I really could be a female in the "real" world with real people, in real time. This new self-exploration limited nothing. I had real friends, real female best friends, and real boyfriends (albeit it was online). I was participating, living, and interacting as a female. I was so happy. This segued to having other social media accounts and phones for texting and such. We were sharing music, make-up tips, pictures of trips and boyfriends, flowers, quotes, and clothes. Gossiping about boys and crushes, and picking out outfits for my besties to wear on dates with their crush; talking about family, work, birth control, and other girl issues. I was absolutely getting carried away.
At some point I learned there was a term for this and it certainly was not my intention to be deceitful. I felt horrible and slowly "drifted away". I still maintain this "fake" account, but to me it very much is real. I use it sparingly for my female side, but not much interaction with anyone else to avoid being a "catfish". Nobody has ever known this alter ego was me.
Combining worlds: I decided to be more proactive with the real me. Problem was I just couldn't "take-over" my female alter ego account. She has over 700 friends, multiple social media platforms, a back story, and many other "unique" qualifiers. No, I needed me to step up.
I questioned if I was trans, cd, or what. After some serious thought, dreams, and other things, I can confidently say I would be what others identify as a transgender woman. Although I could say I am a tgirl, I prefer just that I am (a girl, woman, female, she, her).
I am trying to do what I did online to real life now. I live in town with work, family and friends who are not trans-friendly. Therefore I rely on the interweb to assist me since I know nobody and I made some goals to accomplish this year.
I am looking outside of my area to be me. I have a new name (first, middle and last) which will be my spring board to rainbows and unicorns. I am trying to get a weekend job from beginning to end in my correct identity (my current job requires lots of travel during the week). This means I will present as me with no connection between (M) me and (F) me. I will complete an application and an interview. I am thinking of starting with something like a fast food place.
I am going to sign up for a class at a University (they will let me have my preferred name on my ID). I missed going to a dance due to short notice (although I am straight male I wanted to go out as straight female), but there is a pride festival coming in a month to a city a couple hours away which I intend to attend. I am also going to work on taking HRT with a clinic. I did some experimentation with results (not going to elaborate) and I wear a bra every day now (took me forever to find a couple of comfortable ones that fit). My ultimate goal this year is going to Fantasia Fair.
I don't have a therapist per se, I have seen someone who was going to grad school. This was because I didn't know what my options were/are for HRT being a tgirl or even becoming myself. During a "chat" it came up as one of those "would you" or "could you" type questions. In a shortened version response: Yes, I would give up my current family and life to become a complete female and wife to a man. (This does not mean it would happen or sexual orientation related). There was also a question if I would be a mail-order bride, but that's for another time. Btw, I have never been out with a guy.
This is just a condensed version with broad paint strokes. I didn't want anyone to read a book, but I didn't want to be a complete stranger. So hello everyone, I am Ava. I am 47 and I am happy to be here and meet you all.
