Hi, I'm Sage - username literally being the latin name for Clary Sage as a fun-fact - and I signed up for this site a bit ago and then promptly forgot it existed, because I am a brilliant soul like that. I'm mid-twenties, Canadian, AFAB, and currently identifying as non-binary-maybe-I-was-cis-all-along. Which is... apparently quite common, from what I've read. I've had genital dysphoria since I was about seven or so, but I just knew that the parts I had didn't correlate to the parts I felt like I should have. It wasn't until about three or four years back when I had a minor episode of 'My body doesn't feel right' that someone pointed out that maybe I wasn't cis, and I've been trying to sort it all out ever since. I apparently project as very masculine online though, which was a common trend even before I started examining my gender and my relation to it.
On the other hand, I have large breasts in relation to my frame, and I've tried binding to no success - I more or less halve my cup size. So, my brain has decided to be paradoxical and decide that since I'll never have them be flat, the aesthetic of having them be bigger and grander is better. In a tactile sense, though, the feeling of going without a bra is honestly on the top ten list of things I could do without in the world. But I love make-up, and definitely aspire to be seen as attractive, even if that means putting on this hyper-feminine front to the world.
Except my voice. That is also something I've pegged as wrong from early ages, and it definitely needs to drop and mellow out. I know it's common for people to not recognize their voice when it's been recorded because it resonates within the body when we speak in a different manner than it gets picked up, but I honestly can't match the voice that I hear recorded from the voice I hear when I speak to the voice I feel I should hear when I speak - internally or reproduced.
So who knows, the hyper-femininity might be due to knowing that I will never pass as anything other than female (literally, got pegged as 'her' when binding and packing once), and doing my best within those confines, and that might be causing the internal doubt. Because I'm also okay gendering myself as female when forced to choose a binary option, but definitely appreciate spaces where I can explain the whole shebang. Whether all that counts as some level of dysphoria or just... some level of internalized misogyny and a desire to escape it, who knows. There's also some other doubts and personal concerns with how I view what's 'right' for me and the journey to those conclusions which I think I'll leave for another day, since this has been enough introspection already, but I definitely wanted to get this down in a space where I can at least hope for some form of either acceptance or having people share their own experiences if they seem to coincide with my own.
So, uh, hi, nice to be here and nice that these forums do exist.
