Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 08, 2019, 12:24:03 PM
Wow AJ,
You are doing so well.
I felt I had little hope and stayed completely in the closet. But then for health reasons I began losing weight. I had forgotten that some say that is important for looking feminine. Well, I feel better and have got some hope back. I cannot wait to reach my goal, say by mid summer.
You didn't mention mental changes on HRT. Did you get more emotional and empathetic? Did some of your interests change? Sorry for asking, but this is an important part in my decision.
Cheering you,
Lauren
Lauren,
Yes, I did have mental changes and I am still evolving.
After shutting down the testosterone, my biggest relief was in having a reduced sex drive.
I hoped for it - but when it happened, it was very surprising to me how much relief it offered.
I always hated that male drive as it overwhelmed me, it was very hard to control.
I found that after a year my drive was still there, but it is different somehow.
I am different from before because now, "I" am in control.
It is hard to explain but sex has become a situation of not having that drive telling me "I need" it.
Now, I control if I want intimacy or sex because my drive is female driven.
When I started HRT, I feared becoming sexless but that didn't happen, it's just different now.
Yesterday, my doctor told me that my hormone balance is like that of a normal cis-woman and it has been that way for about a year now even though I have been on hormones since December of 2017.
With the orchie now in play, we will need to more closely monitor my hormone levels through blood tests to keep those levels balanced.
As Dietland states "this study (Vitale) is pretty old" and some of the terminology is dated, but I needed to read her article as it somehow validated the way I was thinking.
When I read it, I was so relieved to know that others felt like I did.
I wrote to Dr. Vitali thanking her for the article and she responded a week later in a very kind way.
Older articles are just that, time either proves or disproves them but for me it validated my life experiences.
I do know that the very week I found a therapist who actually understood my dysphoria, was at a time period of my life where I was going to end it all.
I knew back in 2007 that I was transgender, but I couldn't live full-time as a woman in order to qualify to get on HRT.
With rule changes, hope and HRT, everything changed.
Now I am my own person, I am on estradiol, the nuts that drove me nuts are gone, my hormone levels are "cis" levels, and I love my life.
I now live with a mind that seems to be quicker and more sensitive to life, but I don't feel so emotional that I cannot control it.
I no longer think about hurting myself or ending it all or hating myself or my body.
The world now views me with longer hair, softer skin, less weight and baggy clothes and I no longer care what they think because I am validated within myself.
I see and feel the physical and mental sides of me as finally being balanced with who I need to be.
Losing all that weight and exercising makes me feel like I am 30 again and with the added strength and endurance, my balance and agility is back.
I no longer need validation from the world so only my wife and I see the hidden physical changes, it is nobody's business but ours, and we seem closer than ever.
And, I know how lucky I am for her to stay with me...
Hugs!
AJ