Pre-transition sexual anxiety

[Lucca]

First some background: I'm 25, and I've never had sex, never had a girlfriend, I've barely even been on a date before. This is due in large part to my religious upbringing demonizing sexual feelings and not being allowed to date when I was a teenager, which has left me feeling very uncomfortable making the moves on women, but it's also partly due to me not being terribly interested in romance for long stretches of my adult life; for most of college, I just figured I'd start dating once I graduated because I was so busy and didn't want to bother. Since I graduated, I've gone back and forth between having a huge sex drive and desperately wanting a girlfriend, and not caring all that much and continuing to enjoy the single life. Now that I'm considering a gender transition, I'm sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'd like to have sex as a man at some point before making a decision about transitioning, since I know that HRT can cause problems with penile sexual function, and I'd like to know what I'm potentially giving up. I'd also like to try having a girlfriend as a man, and see how that makes me feel before I decide whether to switch to living as a woman or not. On the other hand, the couple of times I've come close, I've gotten cold feet and backed out because it didn't seem appealing to me at the moment for one reason or another. This has me wondering whether this is something I truly want to do in the first place, or if it's something I'm pursuing because it's a stereotypically male thing that I feel I'm "supposed" to do, and my bursts of high sex drive are some kind of subconcious attempt to defeat my feminine leanings.

I'd still like to have sex before doing a transition, but I'm feeling increasingly scummy about it because it's starting to feel like I'm just doing it to mark it off my checklist instead of doing it with respect and consideration towards the person I'd be dating... plus, I feel like I'm misrepresenting myself by pretending to be a "normal" straight man when that's practically the only thing I feel like I'm definitely not at this point. I really hate the act of trying to get a date, too; besides the baggage I already mentioned, I just don't like going through all the small talk, trying to figure out when and where to ask for more contact info, trying to determine what I actually want out of a partner and if something they mentioned is a deal-breaker or not, etc. Maybe if it's all such a miserable experience, it's just my subconscious telling me that hetero-normative romance isn't my thing, and I should forget it all.

I dunno, I'm kind of just thinking out loud. Anyone else gone through anything similar? Difficulties dating as your pre-transition self? Anxiety over losing sexual function as a result of HRT? Stuff like that?

[Eryn T]

Hey, Lucca.  The way you describe your approach to sex I felt like is pretty similar to how mine was. 

Now, I am no longer a virgin, but I won't say sex has been that great for me as a man.  Before I had a girlfriend I felt alone being a virgin; it really is one of those things where it's a sign that you're a slut in women, and a stud in men.  Anyway, so I was at least familiar with the action and motion, but not the intimacy, because got all my teachings from porn.

It was difficult the first time, and it only got even more difficult.  It did feel 'good' as in physically pleasurable(nothing like with anal, though) but I felt like a tool or an object, rather than a person.  I had kind of always had hangups about that, I think.  Like, I could just be replaced with a larger dildo that vibrates, etc.

Well now there's apps for people looking to hook up, I've not used it. But I'm sure there's plenty of people looking for relationships, but also plenty just looking to get off or experiment. And if you just want to have the experience and nothing else, that might be good bet? Maybe

[Dani]

Lucca,

You really need to see a therapist trained in gender issues to discuss your situation.

You seem to have two concerns here, gender identity and sexual relationships. These are two different things only some what related. From your post, you seem to have many desires that are not exclusively typically male or female roles. Some of us are gender fluid. Does this describe your desires?

One thing I will comment on is that any type of transition only changes a small part of your body. The rest of your being remains remarkably unchanged. Since you have mentioned limited social experiences, I suggest that you develop personal contacts with as many other people as you can. Just getting to know others can help you more define how you want to live the rest of your life.

[Lucca]

Yeah, I'm going to start seeing a therapist again soon, now that I've gotten a psychiatrist I feel I can trust I'm going to explain things to her on my next appointment and get a refferal and maybe I'll have better luck with that than trying to find one on my own.

I'm not really sure if I'd say I'm genderfluid... the idea of identifying as bigender or non-binary or something similar doesn't really sound appealing to me at this time. Who knows, though. Besides therapy, I'm going to try to find a transgender support group or social group to go check out. I feel like I'm hitting a wall with my cisgender friends, who don't seem to have any of the same discomfort with their social role that I do. If I make some trans friends and fit in really well, that could take some of the edge off of my anxiety that I'm not fitting in with people with "normal" feelings and life experiences. So far from my online exploration with transgender issues, trans people seem to "get" me more than any other subculture I've tried to slip in to.

[blackcat]

I'd still like to have sex before doing a transition, but I'm feeling increasingly scummy about it because it's starting to feel like I'm just doing it to mark it off my checklist instead of doing it with respect and consideration towards the person I'd be dating... plus, I feel like I'm misrepresenting myself by pretending to be a "normal" straight man when that's practically the only thing I feel like I'm definitely not at this point.

I just wanted to comment on this - if you are up front about your intentions, and you find a person who wants some sex and dating for casual fun, there is nothing scummy about that at all. You have lots of options that don't involve deception if you want to explore.

Here's a question: how do you feel about being seen *as a man* in a relationship? Sexually? Having a partner attracted to you for your masculine qualities?

[Lucca]

Well, in theory that's true, but I've heard so many women complain about receiving sexual solicitations that I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. And the whole #MeToo thing has made me paranoid of slipping up on something I see as innocent or non-threatening and being viewed as a predator. I don't really like how women are being encouraged to give "hints" instead of stating what they want plainly, I'm extremely bad at reading non-verbal language...

It's one other thing that gives me dysphoria, actually, I feel like people view me as a threat because I'm a tall white man, even in situations where that's probably irrational. It's probably the main reason why I'm so uncomfortable presenting as or forming relationships as one. So, in that sense,  I'm not terribly comfortable dating as a man, and dating as a woman might fit better because I might be more comfortable and feel that I'm not being viewed as a threat, or have people assume that I have steteotypical male desires and impulses. I would, however, like to at least try dating someone while having fully functional genitals, and that might not be something I could do as a woman. If I tried it and could confirm that I didn't care for it, I'd probably be less anxious about losing sexual function and/or experiencing a change in it. Or maybe I'd think it's great and I'd feel less uncomfortable as a man. I'm not sure.

[Alyssa Bree]

I definitely understand you wanting to have sex as a man as part of your exploration. I think if I was in your shoes I might want the same. My approach to dating was similar to yours. It seemed like a hassle and not particularly worth the investment. In fact, every realationship I have ever been in was initiated by the other person. I know now that the reason for me was discomfort over getting physical as a man. I did not know that before. Your reasons may turn out to be completely different. I have not been on a date in 7 years ( I am 45). I just have no desire to start a relationship as I am now physically. However, when I think of dating in a couple years, after transitioning, I get excited. This has nothing to do with sexual desire...only a change in gender presentation. I just know that once I am comfortable and experienced presenting female then I will be ready to date. I think I want prospective partners to see me as female so I feel that acting female in the relationship does not feel phony.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

[Maria77]

Casual sex is much easier to find in m/m contacts.  M/f is a bit more difficult and generally involves some level of interpersonal relationship.  I think your involvement in therapy is good because it does help to work out these sex/gender questions. 

[Jane J]

Here's a thought....Just be straight up! Talk to your girlfriends, they are going be your greatest resource if decide to transition anyway. Tell them you are thinking about transitioning to "their side" and want a sexual encounter before you commit. Simple as that! You'd be surprised. If you have a girlfriend that is single, they might be willing to "show you the ropes". Sex , to me anyway, is more decided by the role you prefer in bed. Does the idea of a strong, hard bodied man, their brazen strength and masculinity something you want snuggle up to and give yourself to and feel him inside you and want him to hold you down and kiss you? How does that make you feel? Aroused or disgusted? Does the idea of soft skin and pretty smile and voluptuous breasts...make you want to take, possess, squeeze, suck and feel inside of her in her most intimate way? Do you like hardness or softness to cuddle? I've always been a bit BOTH ways myself...however as I got older I found that when I was with women, I was a great lover BECAUSE I felt such envy and appreciation of women. I wanted to be close to the form I wished I had so much, however for a long time (no internet then ) I thought it was fate and I'd already received the repercussions in Alabama for trying to be feminine and abandoned the idea I COULD, so I resolved to be as close as I could. I knew what a clitors was and how it was simply the smaller version of the penis at like 12years old because I spent so much time focused on it...but later I was confused because I like guys and once I found a safe place to be with one I LOVED it...
   Basically, for ME, I was with women to try to live vicariously through their sexual experience and I was with guys to feel like a woman.
    A LOT of this confusion and static has gone quite since transition. Now, I am a woman and I enjoy guys even more deeply. I have had a few encounters sexually with women since transition, but now I find it INCREDIBLY uncomfortable...like I'm having to crawl back into a role I forgot how much I hated...being with guys NOW feels like what I was simply put on this EARTH for! I want them in my....mmm...going stop there anyway...

   My point is, sexuality is often tied to the role you feel comfortable in. If being with a woman feels weird and uncomfortable AND you are already well into considering transition...Then maybe you are like me and just a straight chick that's been forced to act like a guy because I was born with a penis. Maybe you are really just a genderfluid person who doesn't care for sex at ALL! Who knows...

THIS IS WHAT THERAPY IS FOR! This is kind of the reason I wish everyone would follow the WPATH and get their letters after the 2yrs therapy and not be able to just walk into a IC clinic and be on hormones in 2 weeks...Counseling is important....

Also!! Don't be so concerned about losing ability to erection! I've been on HRT for about 2years and I wish they would GO AWAY! I can't seem take enough blockers to make that happen and I would be able to get my amazing female orgasms WAY faster if it WOULD stay limp! If you want use it, then you probably will...I know girls that get erections post orchiectomy...the idea you are limp after a bit of HRT is not a guarantee and really more a minority in my experience...but still, get the therapy first! God knows we don't need any more regreters saying,"Why wouldn't someone STOP me? I lied to all my doctors and counsel....but they STILL should've KNOWN and not LET ME! BLA BLA BLA..." You don't want be THAT person, right!

[Tatiana 79]

First off I'd like to say hats off to you for not having sex as you said just to cross it off your list as something you'd like to do.

You should be commended for not doing this without a relationship and love. Without being in love with that person would mean you're just doing it for lust and personal self-discovery.
I can sense your extreme sensitivity and you're not caught between a rock and a hard place.
You have a male body but with a female brain but you have T. pumping out of you explaining your male sexual desires and there's nothing wrong with that at all it's natural.
The conflict between your gender identity and your sexuality at your age would certainly cause anxiety, as you are merely mortal.
I believe there is someone for everybody on this planet it's just meeting them that is hard. Love is kind of like lightning it'll just hit you at any time you can't plan for it. And when that someone does present themself it will be quite obvious.

I did feel very similar to the way you described not really having any girlfriends in high school and feeling unease with them
Luckily my wife chased me because I really didn't know what to do
And we have shared our lives together for the last 38 years. She is the only woman I have ever been with. I have been out to her for over 30 years and things just keep getting better and she's the one kind of pushing for my transition but I know I need it too I'm just a little slow.

I do believe in time that a girl will accept you for the real you  inside, but it is certainly a tricky situation.
Please don't place too much importance on just having sex it is important at first but not absolutely crucial.
I think it's a little more important to believe in your inner identity first and be comfortable with yourself and live each day without this sex goal hanging over your head. Life has a way of providing you what you need and not necessarily what you want
  as an old Star Trek fan I remember the wise mr. Spock saying,
Sometimes the wanting is a stronger feeling then the having

There really isn't no right answer for integrating your identity with your sexuality it's just one of those things you'll have to discover for yourself. You have already taken the first step by trying to understand your situation by providing this post. My sister the shrink has always told me that if we understand our problems well enough that our body and mind will work towards correcting them

all the best for your future love Tatiana

[Lucca]

Thanks for the encouraging replies, even if they're kind of opposite, haha.

I think maybe I'm just feeling desperate for sex at times because it's what men are "supposed" to, and so I fell into it when I was trying to ignore my trans impulses. That, and not having sex seems like a betrayal of my rejection of my sex-negative religious upbringing, and I've assumed that my lack of romantic activity was because I hadn't gotten over my childhood indoctrination. But maybe I shouldn't second-guess myself, and just admit that maybe I'm naturally not that interested in sex or romance.