The unaccepting spouse

[Gertrude]

A few thoughts.

Progressive views do not equate wanting or accepting of a female spouse, you can no more expect her sexual attraction to change for her then, then you could expect a gay or lesbians sexual attraction to change. They are two entirely different issues, so yes a person can be supportive of the LGBT community and not be attracted to a Transgender woman.

I understand your pain, I experienced it in my first marriage, but you need to understand what your coming out has done to her world. You revealed a ten plus year secret to her, a secret that sets in motion an endless set of questions, her sexuality, what did she do wrong, if you hid this what else are you hiding, can she trust you, the list goes on; there is no security in her world now, no rock she can lean on, up is down and down is up.

You both should also find local support groups, online is a help, but trust me you both are going need people in your area that understand what you are going through.

I can only tell you with assurance one thing, you can't fix the damage created by coming out to her, she needs a therapist and you both will need sessions together. Most marriages don't survive this and honestly it has little to do with not being able to accept you, or even a lack of love, but one of her needs. In the end, you both are who you are and nothing can alter that.

I wish I could be more encouraging, I can only say that you will get through this, it's not be easy, it's probably not going to turn out the way you want it, but you will get through it and be the better for it in the end.

Not so much about attraction than acceptance. Even though they're progressive, they have transphobia and shame. Their progressiveness is skin deep.underneath it all is to be acceptable in regards to internal indoctrinated beliefs as it fits in different circles they are in.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[FreyjaValkyrie]

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of encouragement.  Sadly, I can't even take most of it.  Getting my wife to agree up therapy is... Difficult to say the least, and there aren't any head drinkers within driving distance to us that deal with trans issues in the first place.  I don't want to leave her, but I don't know that it's in my hands anymore.  Last night she moved out of our bedroom and said we are separated.  She's been throwing around divorce a lot for weeks now.  I think it might be going to fast downhill for me to stop the train.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I fell apart last night, to the extent I loaded my shotgun and sat it in my lap.  Thank the gods for my brother, who pulled me back from the edge.  I'm still trying to keep my marriage together, but she says she has no motivation to work things out because my gender issues aren't going away.  The struggle is real, by gum.

Still fighting,
Freyja

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

[Mariah]

Then I suggest that you get some help for yourself and allow your wife the space needed while not moving to fast on anything to give her a chance considering you want her to stay around. Hugs
Mariah

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of encouragement.  Sadly, I can't even take most of it.  Getting my wife to agree up therapy is... Difficult to say the least, and there aren't any head drinkers within driving distance to us that deal with trans issues in the first place.  I don't want to leave her, but I don't know that it's in my hands anymore.  Last night she moved out of our bedroom and said we are separated.  She's been throwing around divorce a lot for weeks now.  I think it might be going to fast downhill for me to stop the train.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I fell apart last night, to the extent I loaded my shotgun and sat it in my lap.  Thank the gods for my brother, who pulled me back from the edge.  I'm still trying to keep my marriage together, but she says she has no motivation to work things out because my gender issues aren't going away.  The struggle is real, by gum.

Still fighting,
Freyja

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

[Donna]

Thank you everyone for your advice and words of encouragement.  Sadly, I can't even take most of it.  Getting my wife to agree up therapy is... Difficult to say the least, and there aren't any head drinkers within driving distance to us that deal with trans issues in the first place.  I don't want to leave her, but I don't know that it's in my hands anymore.  Last night she moved out of our bedroom and said we are separated.  She's been throwing around divorce a lot for weeks now.  I think it might be going to fast downhill for me to stop the train.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I fell apart last night, to the extent I loaded my shotgun and sat it in my lap.  Thank the gods for my brother, who pulled me back from the edge.  I'm still trying to keep my marriage together, but she says she has no motivation to work things out because my gender issues aren't going away.  The struggle is real, by gum.

Still fighting,
Freyja

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

That is one hell of an edge to come back from. Thankfully your brother stepped in. I think a lot of us have been close at some point or another, I had the dark thoughts and imaginings for several months. Now that I'm out and open with my wife and we are working it has moved me well into a safe zone. The challenges of fixing what I broke keep me busy. I know not everyone will find a path with the SO so in the mean time pick a point in the future to hope for and aim for that, maybe it will help you thru the present

[Cassandra B]

Not so much about attraction than acceptance. Even though they're progressive, they have transphobia and shame. Their progressiveness is skin deep.underneath it all is to be acceptable in regards to internal indoctrinated beliefs as it fits in different circles they are in.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

I understand what you are saying, however based on the facts given by the OP we can not honestly conclude that she is in fact transphobic, and as such, applying such a label to someone who may not want to be with a Trans partner is wrong. It is not reasonable to expect a hetro sexual woman to want a trans woman, to expect this would give credence to those who believe that the LGBTIQ community makes a choice to be the way they are.

[FreyjaValkyrie]

The funny part about it is my wife is a lesbian leaning bisexual.  I, beefy fellow i was, was an exception to a rule.  The men she'd dated before were effeminate, and she prefers ladies.  Just not "butch" ladies.

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

[Gertrude]

I understand what you are saying, however based on the facts given by the OP we can not honestly conclude that she is in fact transphobic, and as such, applying such a label to someone who may not want to be with a Trans partner is wrong. It is not reasonable to expect a hetro sexual woman to want a trans woman, to expect this would give credence to those who believe that the LGBTIQ community makes a choice to be the way they are.

Fact? Opinion, perceptions. I'm talking from sociological issues that are fairy common. Underlying it all is the prospect of "what people will think of me" because of what people believe is normal and acceptable. The sexual orientation issue really isn't one in the sense that many couples stay together after sex goes way, trans or not. I'd bet that for her it's more of a problem being labeled as a lesbian than being married to a trans person if being labeled some identity that one believes they aren't. Is it her sexuality or just what other people think? I think it's the latter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Cassandra B]

Fact? Opinion, perceptions. I'm talking from sociological issues that are fairy common. Underlying it all is the prospect of "what people will think of me" because of what people believe is normal and acceptable. The sexual orientation issue really isn't one in the sense that many couples stay together after sex goes way, trans or not. I'd bet that for her it's more of a problem being labeled as a lesbian than being married to a trans person if being labeled some identity that one believes they aren't. Is it her sexuality or just what other people think? I think it's the latter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Facts; based on what the OP stated in her first post, anything beyond that is opinion based on past experiences and perceptions with nothing to prove or disprove they are wrong.

I'm not saying it isn't accurate, I'm saying it isn't ok to place a label on someone without all of the information. Calling someone transphobic with what little was stated is not only as egregious as someone labeling us as f*gs, or depraved without knowing anything about us then their perceptions, but we run the risk of watering down the meaning of the word by incorrect usage. It's not acceptable for us to lower our standards and dig in the same filth as they do, we are better than that and if we are going to change this country's views (and I believe we are), we must be better than them.

Now, given the additional details of her last post, we can now say she is most likely transphobic since she lived a lesbian/bisexual lifestyle before their marriage and is without excuse.

[FreyjaValkyrie]

I really, really want to have a good argument that my wife is not transphobic, but I think my argument became invalid when she started calling me ->-bleeped-<-got and queerbait.

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

[120716]

My perspective on spouse or so staying around is this... It is 100% up to them. When I transitioned was at the end of the line, she was read to walk out the door based on how unhappy I was. For me it was a nothing to lose thing with a partner and 100% chance of me going away. I talked to a therapist and he was "This will be the most selfish thing you will ever due in your life" He was 100% correct it was all about me and survival.

I was fortuante and my partner stayed and has been supper supportive, from hormone injections, to GCS and going to electrolsys with me.

On the other hand have had aquintances who's relations have gone away. They have told me "Did this for me, feel bad my spouse left, but I needed to do this for me."

In the long run I 100% did this for me, as a side effect I am happy, I am not depressed. I have Friends now and not people who were around because I could help them in one way or another. My children like me now, I was not very pleasant because of self loathing before. My buiness has grown after a quick and short down turn, why? I am no longer angry.

If your spouse goes, try not to go hating oneanother, go as friend or in a neutral manner. You are doing this for you, no one else, it is OK to be selfish about this, just make sure your transition does not become your life and consume every moment of it.

Hoping your journey take you where you need to be.

- M

[FreyjaValkyrie]

So, it's been a bit since I posted anything.  I guess I should update.  Is become very important to me now to stay active in this community.  My wife left me.  I locked myself in the closet with a loaded shotgun.  Crisis is passed and I'm alive.  I had to make a lot of serious concessions to get her back.  I know a lot of people here will be upset.  I'm upset.  But I love her and I don't want her out of my life.  I had to agree that I would live life as a man.  I had to agree to never mention or engage in sex or relationships with other people (I don't think I ever mentioned, but I'm also polyamorous, so this is a big deal for me).  I also had to agree to be more attentive to her needs.  There were tradeoffs that I don't care to get into at the moment.  Mostly she needs to get a grip on her rage and the hurtful things she says.  Unanimously, all of our friends and family think it's untenable, citing that these are not things that just "go away".  I'm not stupid, I'm not delusional.  I know in my mind I will be a woman for the rest of my life, that I've agreed to play a permanent game of make believe.  I've decided that the best shot I have is to try to bleed off the pressure by being the real me online.  I don't see much other option.  My friend who is a psychologist says my wife is emotionally abusive and needs to unpack and deal with her trauma and baggage.  I can't force her to do that.  I can force myself to do things.  I'm a marine, I'm used to doing the impossible. 

So, that's where everything is at right now.  Probably the last post from me in this thread.  Whatever you think about my decision, please send some good feelings my way. 

Thank you,
Freyja

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

[Chloe_freebird]

I'm sory to hear about your situation you can't fix your feeling there nothing wrong with them that's who you are .
If 1 person in a marage is unhappy it could implode.have you asked your wife to do couples counceling
It doesn't seem fair that she is forcing you to be a man I hope things get better for you
But for her she mite feel that her whole world has been tipped upside down. My wife is in process of leaving me as I said I have to do this.
Just remember you have to be you for you and be happy in yourself

[Donna]

So, it's been a bit since I posted anything.  I guess I should update.  Is become very important to me now to stay active in this community.  My wife left me.  I locked myself in the closet with a loaded shotgun.  Crisis is passed and I'm alive.  I had to make a lot of serious concessions to get her back.  I know a lot of people here will be upset.  I'm upset.  But I love her and I don't want her out of my life.  I had to agree that I would live life as a man.  I had to agree to never mention or engage in sex or relationships with other people (I don't think I ever mentioned, but I'm also polyamorous, so this is a big deal for me).  I also had to agree to be more attentive to her needs.  There were tradeoffs that I don't care to get into at the moment.  Mostly she needs to get a grip on her rage and the hurtful things she says.  Unanimously, all of our friends and family think it's untenable, citing that these are not things that just "go away".  I'm not stupid, I'm not delusional.  I know in my mind I will be a woman for the rest of my life, that I've agreed to play a permanent game of make believe.  I've decided that the best shot I have is to try to bleed off the pressure by being the real me online.  I don't see much other option.  My friend who is a psychologist says my wife is emotionally abusive and needs to unpack and deal with her trauma and baggage.  I can't force her to do that.  I can force myself to do things.  I'm a marine, I'm used to doing the impossible. 

So, that's where everything is at right now.  Probably the last post from me in this thread.  Whatever you think about my decision, please send some good feelings my way. 

Thank you,
Freyja

Sent from my LG-H830 using Tapatalk

It's a bad situation but like all of us you are doing what you need to do for you. None of us should judge that because with a simple twist of fate we could be you as well. I can only imagine how hard this is going to be on you trying to suppress all of this. You are going to have to work so hard on not taking it out on those around you or end up feeling resentful toward her.
Best wishes my friend on moving forward as you see fit and be happy and healthy.