How patient are you when it comes to being misgendered?

[KathyLauren]

If I am not sure I hear them correctly, I'll let it go.  But if I heard clearly, I will correct them.  I haven't had any obviously malicious misgendering.  It tends to be accidental/habitual, or careless.  So I don't get angry, but I do get assertive.

I had an example yesterday, while getting my eyebrows waxed.  Guys don't generally get their brows done, and my presentation was fairly clearly feminine.  Plus I was listed on the appointment sheet as Kathy.  So it should have been obvious what gender I was aiming for.  But at one point, the student esthetician said to her instructor, "I can't continue on this patch of skin because it hurts him."  I just said, "Her."  Once the immediate issue was dealt with, both instructor and student disappeared for a minute or two.  When she returned, the student was very apologetic, which tells me that they had a teaching moment in the back room.

To me, that is a win.  I got a chance to influence a young woman at the beginning of her career.  She has probably never met a transgender client before.  Now she has, and she has learned a bit about how to treat us.  Someone else's life will be easier as a result.

I am all about normalizing our presence in society.

[Sinclair]

I got a chance to influence a young woman at the beginning of her career.  She has probably never met a transgender client before.  Now she has, and she has learned a bit about how to treat us.  Someone else's life will be easier as a result.

I am all about normalizing our presence in society.

Amen to that! Thank you sister for helping make our future a better place.

[Devlyn]

It's odd, I'm genderfluid and have boy days. I changed all my identity documents to female and present female (except voice) exclusively. I'm generally pretty tolerant, but I still have my moments. 

The most recent one was with the HR person at work who changed all the M's on my records to F's, yet still managed to use he, him, and his in one sentence talking about me. 

Like Kathy, I'm all about being visible and giving people the opportunity to know a transgender person and realize we're normal people.

Hugs, Devlyn

[FinallyMichelle]

I am not at all patient. Everyone genders me correctly for whatever reason, everyone treats me like any other woman. I got a new job and moved and I don't have anyone in my daily life that misgenders me. Even the few people that know say they have a hard time remembering that I was not born a girl and they don't even bother anymore, so it catches them off guard when I bring up anything from my past that would be male.

Everyone in my family has know for more than 4 years. Many of them have called me Michelle for 40 years. So having one of them call me he or him or my old name is unacceptable. Some of my trans friends have told me that I should be more tolerant but most of my girlfriends say I should wear a bra and I feel the same way about both. My life, my rules, as long as I am not hurting anyone or breaking any laws. No one can see my breasts and my family has hardly bothered to talk to me for most of my life. So... Their problem, not mine.

I have had an aunt, that didn't even bother to call me in person but told my brother to have me give her a call, say that I have to give her time to adjust. No I don't, you have known for years and you are not even trying, just telling me after I correct you that you need time to adjust.

I will say though that I am not like most in that I have no close family. No one has bothered, no matter how much effort I made, to keep in touch. So it is really easy for me, I haven't had them in my life for so long that I no longer need them. Truthfully, I hardly know most of them anymore. I have changed EVERYTHING surely the least they can do is make this one small effort. If not, no biggie for either party.

I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh. Then again, that was the only call I have had from any of them for more than 2 years so... Does it even matter?

[BrandiYYC]

I will say though that I am not like most in that I have no close family. No one has bothered, no matter how much effort I made, to keep in touch. So it is really easy for me, I haven't had them in my life for so long that I no longer need them. Truthfully, I hardly know most of them anymore. I have changed EVERYTHING surely the least they can do is make this one small effort. If not, no biggie for either party.

I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh. Then again, that was the only call I have had from any of them for more than 2 years so... Does it even matter?

I love your profile pic!

I am the same in that I don't have much for family, but am very lucky my Wife and Daughter are with me and very supportive. They are both making a great effort, but I have told my daughter I am always going to be her Dad and that is what she calls me. I am 100% ok with that.

A lot of my friends, almost all of whom have said they are ok, have drifted away. Save for a few really great friends both here at home and in the UK. I don't get it, but it's their loss. I have basically cut myself off from most of my old crew just to save myself the anxiety of not being invited to events anymore.

Like you said, maybe I'm being harsh but oh well. Life is getting better in so many other ways that the scales are tipped towards the good. The odd misgendering on the phone really is nothing major in the scheme of things I guess considering almost everyone else in the general public has been pretty good.

[FinallyMichelle]

I love your profile pic!

I am the same in that I don't have much for family, but am very lucky my Wife and Daughter are with me and very supportive. They are both making a great effort, but I have told my daughter I am always going to be her Dad and that is what she calls me. I am 100% ok with that.

A lot of my friends, almost all of whom have said they are ok, have drifted away. Save for a few really great friends both here at home and in the UK. I don't get it, but it's their loss. I have basically cut myself off from most of my old crew just to save myself the anxiety of not being invited to events anymore.

Like you said, maybe I'm being harsh but oh well. Life is getting better in so many other ways that the scales are tipped towards the good. The odd misgendering on the phone really is nothing major in the scheme of things I guess considering almost everyone else in the general public has been pretty good.

Thanks. 😊 It's Salvador Dali - Person at the Window. If you look it up you really get to see the colors. I love his colors, I guess that an artist would call it palette, I am no artist so I get to call them colors. 😉 He is really known for being a surrealist, Persistence of Memory probably his most known, but Person at the Window is my favorite. I have some kind of thing for paintings of women with their back to you. Other than some of my boyfriend's work, Christina's World by Andrew Wyeth is the piece on my wall that I love the most, just a print but I don't care. I stood in the Museum of Modern Art looking at it forever, when I read the story behind it I couldn't keep myself from crying.

Sorry, I kind of like art, as if you couldn't tell. 😆

I experienced the same thing with some people who said that they didn't care but then pulled away later. It's sad I think but not really the end of the world. Once I gave up on pretending to be a guy the fact that our interests were so different was going to push us apart eventually anyway. I am much happier now that my friends, few as they are, are like me. Even my acquaintances at work or the circle of friends my boyfriend hangs around with are girls. In my adult life I have never been so comfortable in my conversations. Just having people who understand me and I understand them would have made transition worth it, of course everything is awesome 😁 just a side benefit that I was not expecting. I know what most of the things guys talk about are, except an ohm I think they are making that one up, I just have no interest. Now I just put on a vapid look, feign ignorance and smile until they give up. Sometimes it backfires and they think I am amazed at their whit and charm and turn up their efforts. ☹️ Well, it's a technique I am working on, I'll get it down eventually.

I think that misgendering is something that needs to be evaluated on an individual basis. I know, that was not the way I was talking in my post but... I guess that I was just talking where I am now. I know one guy that worked down the hall from me for years and years, he worked so hard at it and still messed up occasionally and apologize every time. He was one of the few people I know that took it all in stride and never changed how he treated me not even a little. How can I be mad at someone like that?

Probably we should take the good that people offer if they are being sincere, unless it is in a situation that misgendering can cause us great difficulty, in my experience people like that are too rare to waste.

[Laurel D]

I almost think you are sitting in the cab of an ambulance.

Zoomed in a lot. It's a shuttle bus.

Sent from my LG-TP450 using Tapatalk

[BillieC]

I've struggled with this issue mightily over the last year. When it's a coworker, or anyone really, who I KNOW wants to get it right, I'll gently say something. They're generally appreciative. If it's a jerk at the store who wants to be a big shot and call me a dude in a skirt, I usually point out how great 'Merica is in that I get to be the woman I am and he gets to be the #@# he is.

Seriously though, I think many people struggle with proper pronouns, especially when they're stressed in any way in the conversation. I usually call for a timeout if there is a rapid fire 2 or 3 in a row. I have had a couple colleagues who I've had to have the conversation around WHY this is important to me. After that friendly conversation, they usually come around. I always encourage them to over use my pronouns as they're getting used to it. I find that really helps!

[big kim]

I once went to a different chemist for my HRT as it was methadone day at the usual one & I've had a lot of grief from the smackrats. They didn't have it but said to call back after lunch, I called back to hear the girl shout "Miss Brown's here for his prescription!"

[Christyn]

I have no real patience for it, however i am not 100% out yet- it makes me cringe when im constantly "sir'd" or "man'd" or "bro'd" at work.
Where it does REALLY get me is at home, and admittedly they may not really be ready yet, but my wife will call me Christyn and then throw out the he/him/his and all ai can do is seethe inside.

[Chelsea]

I haven't really went out yet in public but I think it would really bother me. It would be more of hurt feelings than anger.
Another good reason its taking me so long to go out in public.

Hugs,
        Chelsea

[warlockmaker]

In HK and Thailand the law is enforced against malicious misgendering. The police take quick action and we have great media support. Plus, in Bangkok we have alot of foreign tourist  and a few are abusive towards ladyboys. Well, we are a united bunch that stick together and we, as a group, will show them manners.

Never been maliciously mis-gendered. 

[Utterly Confused]

I spend most of my time at work and in a uniform. So I get misgendered at a rate of about 50/50.

I dislike it, but I never argue with it. I am beginning to think it's a personal thing to them, since clearly I don't pass. And their isn't much I can do about strangers. Being that I work out in the public, I don't need the drama.

Management at my job genders me correctly. The coworkers are hit and miss. I am going to start correcting them first. Or at the minimum asking them to stop "siring" me . I don't like it.

Sent from my LG-TP450 using Tapatalk

Just thought I might add - GIRL YOU ARE STUNNING! You are so gorgeous <3

[sarah1972]

I am pretty relaxed about it, especially when it comes to people who have known me from before transition. I try to be very understanding about how hard it is to make the switch. I do cringe every time tough. 
Last night was a good example: A clerk in my next door drug store called me "sir" and he has seen me in dresses and skirts for the past year, we are usually there once or twice per week. It was too busy but next time I catch him alone, I'll just ask him to stop. I think he just does not know...

I was upset once when a TSA officer at an airport misgendered me, I was very clearly in full female mode, and he has been trained not to do it. That was full purpose. And an airport security checkpoint is the last place you want to get into stupid discussions.

[ErinWDK]

I have been working around the edges of transition for five years now.  I guess I am a part time Erin.  That said I do go out from time to time in full girl mode.  Since I am an old bird most people do not pay much attention so I can just be me.  One time when I was seeing a specialist about my gender issues I showed up in girl mode.  The nurse didn't dare misgender me -- this is a University Medical Center and they have a STRONG non-discrimination policy.  However, she was hostile/uncomfortable.  That did rattle me and on the way out she DID misgender the doctor.  The doctor did hear about that and I didn't see that nurse again.  That sort of bothered me.

Another visit with another doctor this time at the main campus of the medical center I got a nurse that used the old name when I was in full girl mode and in front a full waiting room.  That frosted me.  She intended to be rude about it and REALLY rubbed it in.  That stung.  I saw my gender therapist an hour later and I was still rattled.  Again, being an OLD bird the only thing that will give me away is my voice.  So I guess the only time I take real issue with being misgendered is when it is done with full malicious intent.

Most people are just ignorant and don't understand what they are doing so you have to mostly just let it roll off.  If you can teach someone that is a good thing to be able to do.  When they want to provoke a confrontation you do have to step back and be the bigger person.  Some people refuse to learn.

HTH

Erin

[KatieP]

I am typically quite patient with misgendering, although disappointed every time. I sort of see it from their point of view. But I had a fun opposite experience this week.

A bit of background: So many things in my life I have done backwards. The obvious one of not transitioning until really late in life, but also, my legal name is still Keith. Seems like everyone says the name is where you start. Oh well.

As well, I don't pass well. But I normally try to make it a bit easier on others by dressing more femininely and wearing lots of makeup when outside. Tuesday though, I barely had time for mascara and lipstick in my rush to get to the airport. As I get out of my rental car, the return guy scans the car, and says, "Mrs. P?" I confirm. He then asks me where my husband is. My husband? "Yes, " he says, "the car is rented to Keith P." I tell him that is me. He laughs and says, "No. Really. Where is Keith?" I say it all again. He won't believe me. I had to pull out my drivers license to prove this face went with that name before he would check in the car. He said, "Keith is not a common name for a woman." It made me feel really good. But the fun wasn't over.

I had to change the credit card, so I had to go in to the counter to talk to an agent. I gave the rental agreement number to the agent. She came back and said I had the wrong number because, "that rental number is for a Keith P." I literally laughed at her. I showed her my DL, and she says, "Ahhhhhhh...." I think I am an Avis customer for life... 

I thought it was fun irony that I had to fight to get dead named...

In 50 years of presenting as a woman, and 10 years of mostly presenting as a woman, that was a first for me...