I have been a mess and I have been pretty good.
Since the age of 9 when puberty hit, I have been hurting myself.
I probably attempted suicide a thousand times trying to rid myself of the curse of testosterone.
I was always too weak to make it all the way and hated myself for never being strong enough to succeed.
Back years ago on this site, I asked "who I was" and one of the responses that helped me most was; "you are a survivor" and that helped me so very much.
I denied my being trans until last fall when I set up an appointment for an orchi and was derailed by a high PSA test at the age of 64.
I was slapped in the face and fearing that I was too late to follow my hidden dreams with that prostate cancer diagnosis.
I thought I missed my chance at being brave in finally going for my dream of becoming the "ME" I always knew I needed to be.
Several tests later with some hard questions and discussions with my urologist, I was declared clear of cancer.
After all my questions and a special test at MAYO I was told by this urologist that I will likely never have prostate cancer based on the final and more intensive tests.
The orchi however, didn't happen.
My mind then focused on getting to where I needed to be in life with visits to a therapist and doctor to move forward with HRT.
I started HRT last December 19, my new birthday.
It was such an important day for me.
When the testosterone went away, I finally knew relief.
When the estrogen kicked in, I was finally home.
I'm not ready to come out yet but I am building to that in my own time.
I see the value in coming out.
I have been in positions of authority and am prominent in my community as a council member and business person.
My coming out (when I am ready) could be one of the most important things I could do in my life to further transgender understanding.
Watching, reading, and listening to you all here is a great help in my understanding of my personal journey.
So far, I think I am non-binary but time will tell.
Thank you and hugs to you all
