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Looking for answers

Started by Undercovergirl, July 03, 2017, 10:07:13 PM

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Undercovergirl

Where do I start with my story? I am from the USA. As my name suggests, this is the way I feel. "Under cover girl." I thought that would be a clever enough name ;) I currently live as male and have never even seen the proper therapists or doctors. I just took the COGIATI and got a result of 180.

QuoteCOGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL
What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' tanssexual.
SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:
Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.
The suggestions for your circumstance are several.

My story definitely doesn't begin with COGIATI. I remember, as a young boy of only three years, seeing my cousin's vagina and instantly wanting to be made like her. I envied it right away. I liked hanging around with girls when I was that age. My mother would take me, as a small boy, into the public restrooms with her and I would see her sit to pee. I wanted to be just like mama. I would try to sit and pee, but my mother would catch me and scold and say, " only little girls sit to tee tee, you're a little boy. Little boys aren't supposed to do that." and ignorant garbage such as that. I wanted panties, night shirts, and dresses, but was afraid to ask because of my mother's stances on things.  I used to shove on and hide my genitals. I figured out tucking by myself as a child. Dysphoria was always there. It came and went. I used to wish my penis would fall off, wish they would give children sex changes, etc. I loved* Pippi Longstocking as a child (still do). My mother would say, "You can watch Pippi, but, don't start acting like a little girl. If you start acting like a little girl, you can't watch Pippi anymore." Yes, my mother, who was very dysfunctional, said this. This is just the tip of the iceberg with her. How mean. What a horrible way to talk to your child. The dysphoria has disappeared and come back time and again over the years. I've been putting off even an investigation into transition for current social reasons, the status I currently hold in my community, and for financial reasons. Plus, having been forced to be a guy so many years, I really do have some androgynous and masculine traits, just like the COGIATI said. I guess i've always had them. I never* fit in with boys my age when I was a child though. Never. I tried,sometimes painfully hard, to be interested in the same things. I'm not sure what I want to do. However, getting the proper counseling is a key thing regardless. I'm sure there are those here who can sympathize.  I'm 34 and single, so, at least I don't have a spouse or girlfriend to worry about. However, I do have to stay closeted due to my position and occupation. Discrimination is not allowed in the workplace anywhere in our organization according to the HR department, however, it's complicated. I have my reasons for staying hidden. I also live in the south. Arkansas is not a good place to be when you're trans. My dysphoria is pretty strong right now, so, I'm doing my best to deal with it. Cross dressing might help. Did you know I've never seriously tried it? I've put on dresses before and got a hold of some langerie one time. But, I've never purchased cloths specifically for that purpose. Clothing, in my opinion, is only an expression. Cloths don't change the genitals that you want changed. What do I do? Who knows at this point. I'm open to advice from those who know. Thank you for listening.

UnderCoverGirl

     
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Janes Groove

Welcome to the site Undercovergirl.  It definitely sounds like you're transgender. There is nothing wrong with you!  It's 100% natural and we have been part of human history since the beginning.  I went thru the same struggle you are experiencing and it's pretty common actually.  What you say about clothing is nothing new either.  It is something that Harry Benjamin, M.D. observed in his practice treating transsexuals over 60 years ago and recounted in his famous book The Transsexual Phenomenon:

"The full and complete transsexual (S.O.S. V and VI) finds only temporary and partial relief through
"dressing." I have even met transsexuals who would not "dress" at all." What good is it?" they said; "it does not make me a woman. I am not interested in her clothes; I am only interested in being a woman." That is the true transsexual sentiment."

We are women. We were born this way.

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Michelle_P

Welcome, Undercovergirl!

The COGIATI is an interesting tool.  I do not think of it as being particularly accurate, but it can help us gain a little insight.  A chat with a therapist to help clarify ones thoughts might be useful at this point.  Therapists are quite good at guiding us in thinking abut ourselves, That's a bit different from the role many imagine that they have, but it really s what they do.

While clothing is only an expression, don't underestimate the power of getting ones gender expression in line with gender identity.  Removing the conflict between our gender presentation and our gender identity can provide powerful, it temporary, relief from gender dysphoria for many of us.

I hope you feel welcome here.

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I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to take a look, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read


Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit.

My personal transition path included medical changes.  The path others take may require no medical intervention, or different care.  We each find our own path. I provide these dates for the curious.
Electrolysis - Hours in The Chair: 238 (8.5 were preparing for GCS, five clearings); On estradiol patch June 2016; Full-time Oct 22, 2016; GCS Oct 20, 2017; FFS Aug 28, 2018; Stage 2 labiaplasty revision and BA Feb 26, 2019
Michelle's personal blog and biography
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Devlyn

Hi Undercovergirl, welcome to Susan's Place! The COGIATI has been described by its inventor as not being an effective diagnostic tool, but rather to show the medical community that some sort of tool was better than none. The test is blatantly based on gender stereotyping, and that just herds people into boxes. A more accurate indicator of being transgender is coming here and posting. Seriously. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn
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V M

Hi Undercovergirl  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M
The main things to remember in life are Love, Kindness, Understanding and Respect - Always make forward progress

Superficial fanny kissing friends are a dime a dozen, a TRUE FRIEND however is PRICELESS


- V M
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Kendra

Hi UnderCoverGirl, you are asking great questions. 

Your employer-provided insurance should help with visits to a gender counselor or therapist.  Health care providers and insurance companies are required to follow privacy laws. 

You already have quite a bit going in your favor.  You have clear memories of significant events that helped signal and shape who you are.  You are single which simplifies things.  Arkansas doesn't have the best reputation for LGBT diversity - some countries and areas of the US are easier on this topic, but some countries are much much worse. 

For impact on your career and how much you want your career to determine who you are: visualize yourself 5 years from now when you are 39, and 15 years from now.  What will you be glad about, and what might you regret doing or not doing.  Is your company the only place in the US offering employment in your career track?  Finding and keeping a job is competitive, but companies also face fierce competition to hire great people.
Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, Labiaplasty & BA 7/2018. 
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Undercovergirl

I have returned. There is much more to my story, some I prefer to keep quiet right now unless in private messages. In answer to the job inquiry, I have two crappy part time jobs and am on the medicaid expansion. Unfortunately, in Arkansas, I would bet they have some draconian policies in place as to what they pay for.
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Alyssa Bree

Quote
Quote from: Devlyn on July 04, 2017, 07:33:42 AM
Hi Undercovergirl, welcome to Susan's Place! The COGIATI has been described by its inventor as not being an effective diagnostic tool, but rather to show the medical community that some sort of tool was better than none. The test is blatantly based on gender stereotyping, and that just herds people into boxes. A more accurate indicator of being transgender is coming here and posting. Seriously. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn totally nailed this. Even so, taking the COGIATI made me feel good when I got the results saying about the same as what it told you. When you take these kinds of online tests or quizzes do you find yourself hoping for it to say you're transgender? I always did - and it was realizing I was doing that, and not the tests themselves saying I was, that made me realize I REALLY WAS transgender lol.

As far as wearing women's clothing and all of that. Sure, it doesn't change the fact that you don't yet have the desired anatomy but it can do short-term wonders for helping you to visualize life after you do. I am not near the point of presenting as female at work, but you can bet most days I am wearing pink or purple polish on my toenails and wearing female undergarments. You do what you can when and where you can and take one step at a time. Patience with this is super hard to develop but, if you are able to move yourself forward, you will get to your end-goal. Set and enjoy a whole lot of little goals so you don't get too frustrated along the way.

And...I just noticed the dates on this thread but I assume with your return you are moving forward...

Best wishes,
Alyssa
Your NEEDS drive your WANTS which drive your ACTIONS. To not take action is to not meet your needs.

I am like an archaeological excavation - being uncovered piece by piece, slowly...methodically... until all of the real ME stands proud in the light of day.
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Freelysweet

Undercovergirl, first welcome. Secondly, you are not alone. Many of us here have expierenced many of the same treatments, concerns emotions  and questions as you. I dont recall my exact score when I took the test years ago. I think it was like 185 190. What i can tell you is i wish i had just transitioned then  now over 10 years later i feel stuck. A kinda forever locked in between. But i love the days when i can just relax at home and enjoy being me. It is the little things that make it all worth it. Be glad your single and without attachment and that stress of all that comes with that if he or she doesent know and then you come out open. Keep moving forward. Youll find your way girl. Counseling is very important because it helps you deal with things in a better light and healthier way. I wish i had gone sooner myself.
At the end of the day we must all do what makes us feel alive inside or we become a shell, wither and die, leaving only the appearance of a self for the eyes of the world around us. Do what makes you grow and thrive even if its not openly. Eventually slow changes will evolve and this is how it seems to work. Best of blessing to you hun going forward
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BillieC

As a fellow newbie here, I don't really feel comfortable welcoming you as I'm just getting here too. However, I certainly relate to many of the feelings/emotions/situations you've described in your post. I have lots of memories of the incremental changes and commitments I made to myself along the way to "just be myself" and let the chips fall where they may.

One thing I remember saying to myself - it's been years now - is that regardless of my anatomy I will only pee sitting down from this moment forward. It was super empowering and no one ever gave a second thought to me avoiding the urinals when I was still using the men's bathrooms. Wow - that is such a foreign concept now! Something to consider - I always felt like it was kind of an act of civil disobedience when I was at work before I came out.

Best wishes to you!
– Happy to have finally found some peace of mind... if anyone finds the other peaces, please let me know!
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Laurie

  Hi Under Cover Girl,

  I'm Laurie, the wandering waif of Susan's place. I used to be the self appointed unofficial greeter for Susan's Place but I graduated from that. Besides I like this title better. Regardless of what I call myself I want to say welcome to the site. ((Hug)). Has anyone invited you in yet? Here I'll hold the door for you, come on in and have a good look around. This is the lounge, everyone has their favorite chairs but if they aren't in use feel free to sit down. You've met Devyln, that her chase lounge over there. Yeah, she has to be different. Over through that door is the kitchen. In there you might find some coffee or hot water for tea. What was that? You got hit by a banana? I'm sorry I forgot Stephanie is up on the fridge again and up to her antics again. Why is she up there? Well she can seem to behave. She'll get tired of being up there after she runs out of fruit to throw and she will be let down. Who's that at the stove? That's Julia 1996. She a wonderful young cook you will see her in there quite often. That doorway over there is the library where you can read all the posts you want and even post more of your own in comfort. If you need help, Sarah P is usually behind the desk and will be more than willing to help you out.
  Well that's the quarter tour I hope you saw something you liked and want to stick around. I think you will be a fine addition to our little community. See you around.

Hugs,
  Laurie
April 13, 2019 switched to estradiol valerate
December 20, 2018    Referral sent to OHSU Dr Dugi  for vaginoplasty consult
December 10, 2018    Second Letter VA Psychiatric Practical nurse
November 15, 2018    First letter from VA therapist
May 11, 2018 I am Laurie Jeanette Wickwire
May   3, 2018 Submitted name change forms
Aug 26, 2017 another increase in estradiol
Jun  26, 2017 Last day in male attire That's full time I guess
May 20, 2017 doubled estradiol
May 18, 2017 started electrolysis
Dec   4, 2016 Started estradiol and spironolactone



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Undercovergirl

Thank you for all of the warm welcome greetings!
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