Feeling a transition lull??

[AlyssaJ]

I'm curious if any of you have gotten to a point in your transition where you felt a lull or like things just stopped progressing? I'm just about 14 months in since I started hormones. In that time I've gotten my name and gender changed, transitioned at my job and in multiple associations I'm a member of, went full time, traveled numerous times in my authentic identity, ditched the breast forms, ditched the wig, got divorced, started dating a gorgeous woman, etc.  However all of this happened in the first year.  I feel now like I had all these firsts, all this novelty, all this excitement, but now it's all done.  So much has become routine now (which don't get me wrong, is really great) but I don't feel like I've reached a point where I can say the work is done.  However, without those firsts, it really doesn't feel like I'm moving forward anymore, I almost feel stuck.  I can't even consider doing surgeries of any type until at least November (my insurance requires one year of RLE for BA, trach shave and GCS), I'm in a financial situation right now following my divorce where I can't afford to continue with additional hair removal, I'm really struggling with feeling like I've stagnated.

Perhaps this is a product of my having accomplished a lot very quickly. I fully admit my transition has been on the fast track since I decided this would be my path in February of last year.  Compared to others I know, my transition has been like light speed, so maybe now it is just slowing down.  But I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the same feelings.  A bit of a let down, some frustration and some anxiety over what comes next? How did you manage it?  Were you able to take time and focus on internal transition?  Did that help?  Just looking for thoughts on how I can keep my focus and keep feeling like I'm making progress.

[Donna]

My therapist warned me of the same thing. I was going thru the same thing, everything happening so fast. My therapist said I needed to take time to let thing register she explained it like a train when you move slowly the whole train is connected and starts and stops as one. When you are moving fast all the prices are
Separate and when the front stops (us) the rest of the train comes crashing into you. All my changes have happened in a year with the lions share in the last 5 months.

[Allison S]

I'm 7 months on hrt. I've only done that and laser for facial hair removal. I kinda gave up on body hair because I don't know what to do and can't afford more laser. It's been a steady state of lonely depression for me. Sorry to be the downer but that's the reality I wish I knew ahead. Well I don't think I could've prepared myself.

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[SailorMars1994]

Truth be told I like the mundane woman life haha. Just living each day as it should have always been ^.^

[KathyLauren]

Truth be told I like the mundane woman life haha. Just living each day as it should have always been ^.^

^^^^  This!

Transition, by definition, is a temporary condition.  Once transition is done, then there's just the rest of your life.  So, yes, the excitement of everything being new does fade after a while.

Not to say that my transition is done.  Like you, I still have some steps ahead of me: finishing facial hair removal, and of course GCS.  But there will be nothing new and exciting for me (and, it seems, for you) for a while.  The enforced waiting game is a preview of how the rest of my life will be.  Yes, I expect some milestones ahead, but, for now, life is routine, and I'm loving it.  If this is how the rest of my life plays out, I'll be one happy girl.

[LizK]

I'm curious if any of you have gotten to a point in your transition where you felt a lull or like things just stopped progressing? I'm just about 14 months in since I started hormones. In that time I've gotten my name and gender changed, transitioned at my job and in multiple associations I'm a member of, went full time, traveled numerous times in my authentic identity, ditched the breast forms, ditched the wig, got divorced, started dating a gorgeous woman, etc.  However all of this happened in the first year.  I feel now like I had all these firsts, all this novelty, all this excitement, but now it's all done.  So much has become routine now (which don't get me wrong, is really great) but I don't feel like I've reached a point where I can say the work is done.  However, without those firsts, it really doesn't feel like I'm moving forward anymore, I almost feel stuck.  I can't even consider doing surgeries of any type until at least November (my insurance requires one year of RLE for BA, trach shave and GCS), I'm in a financial situation right now following my divorce where I can't afford to continue with additional hair removal, I'm really struggling with feeling like I've stagnated.

Perhaps this is a product of my having accomplished a lot very quickly. I fully admit my transition has been on the fast track since I decided this would be my path in February of last year.  Compared to others I know, my transition has been like light speed, so maybe now it is just slowing down.  But I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the same feelings.  A bit of a let down, some frustration and some anxiety over what comes next? How did you manage it?  Were you able to take time and focus on internal transition?  Did that help?  Just looking for thoughts on how I can keep my focus and keep feeling like I'm making progress.

I understand how you feel as I have been through similar. I used to have a couple of appointments a week (at least quite often more than a couple) about 12 months ago this began to slow to nothing. The last 6-9 months have been by comparison very quiet. However during this time my perception of myself has just about caught up with the changes.

I think it's worthwhile using this time to consolidate all the changes and let you brain catch up and get used to the new improved you!!!

Take Care

Liz


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[krobinson103]

In eight months I've transitioned physcially enough to pass most of the time, changed all my legal documents, gone full time (did that from day one), work is good, divorce is on the cards in a year so there is no stopping it now, and I have surgery (orchie) booked in six months.

So many changes in such a short time... but its the way I needed to do it. Now? I'm just in a holding pattern letting time pass till surgery and HRT to work more of its magic. Nothing active I can really do now. It feels... odd.

Time to move on and just live the life I chose I suspect.

[2.B.Dana]

Alyssa,

Great to see you posting, it's been awhile again. As your blog says, "What a ride".  A dear friend I met on Susan's told me early on, enjoy the "first's" they go by quick and only happen once. Unfortunately I was not in a good place emotionally for many of them and didn't really get to the enjoyment part. I am working on that now.

I totally get the lull you mentioned. As others have said, all we get out of transition is "ourselves". I spoke to my therapist about it today. I can't imagine living as a man ever again, this is just me, feels like it has been that way a long time. My long term customers treat me like they have always worked with Dana, that the old me never existed.

While I still have ups and downs I try to work on getting better at something each day and appreciate having a year in the rear view mirror. So much yet to learn about womanhood. You did fast forward puberty at warp speed. Gonna have to slow down to life speed at some point.

Hope you enjoy your summer!

[MissyMay2.0]

I'm curious if any of you have gotten to a point in your transition where you felt a lull or like things just stopped progressing? I'm just about 14 months in since I started hormones. In that time I've gotten my name and gender changed, transitioned at my job and in multiple associations I'm a member of, went full time, traveled numerous times in my authentic identity, ditched the breast forms, ditched the wig, got divorced, started dating a gorgeous woman, etc.  However all of this happened in the first year.  I feel now like I had all these firsts, all this novelty, all this excitement, but now it's all done.  So much has become routine now (which don't get me wrong, is really great) but I don't feel like I've reached a point where I can say the work is done.  However, without those firsts, it really doesn't feel like I'm moving forward anymore, I almost feel stuck.  I can't even consider doing surgeries of any type until at least November (my insurance requires one year of RLE for BA, trach shave and GCS), I'm in a financial situation right now following my divorce where I can't afford to continue with additional hair removal, I'm really struggling with feeling like I've stagnated.

Perhaps this is a product of my having accomplished a lot very quickly. I fully admit my transition has been on the fast track since I decided this would be my path in February of last year.  Compared to others I know, my transition has been like light speed, so maybe now it is just slowing down.  But I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the same feelings.  A bit of a let down, some frustration and some anxiety over what comes next? How did you manage it?  Were you able to take time and focus on internal transition?  Did that help?  Just looking for thoughts on how I can keep my focus and keep feeling like I'm making progress.

Maybe you could lift your spirits by visualizing how good you will feel after having your surgery(s), and spend some time planning for it (even though you have to wait for your insurance to schedule it) by doing research, and watching YouTube videos, etc., so that you have that part of your transition to look forward to. And perhaps finding a way to generate some additional income to pay for hair removal, or other things you need/want. 

[Eryn T]

Really great advice in this thread! I think that if you were to graph(Hey, maybe someone should do that?) all the different steps encountered during a transition, you would see a lot of activity at the beginning, and some higher points in the middle, but eventually, it will start to level-off with almost no 'new' experiences.

I am so sorry that you weren't able to enjoy the full extent of many of your first moments, Dana.  I'm definitely no wear as far along as many of you, but I am now feeling a bit of a lull in things.  I always go nuts when I'm dedicated to something, so my first month or so was full of firsts and looking back, it's really crazy to just change basically almost everything about myself; being one thing for your entire life, and now trying to be something completely different does create that sort of exciting tension in every single situation.

For me, I think the source of this lull feels like my wife, who is not able to just 'jump' into things like I am, but at the same time, I think this lull was coming anyway. I have to wait for more therapy, I have to wait for HRT, I'm not currently planning on any surgeries and only considering electrolysis, but I've been a bit overwhelmed by fashion, and I've hit a brick wall when it comes to makeup.

I would say(this unfortunately can't apply to Alyssa's situation) that I actually wouldn't recommend moving too fast, because like you said, you don't get to really reflect, enjoy, and build upon each new change that occurs. On the flip side of that statement, doing more just feels SO much better! But it also has the potential to trip you up, because you're inexperienced.  And every little thing takes time, I mean, the best example really is any approach to makeup.  If your first time wearing makeup you put on different kinds of concealers, foundation, countouring, highlights, blush, glitter, several eye shadows, eye liner, mascara, lipstick/lipgloss, and anything else I forgot. Likely, it's going to be really rough, but just starting with concealer and foundation might help just a little less with dysphoria, but it will keep things within reason for your brain to pick-up new skills and process all these new things, and in the end, you'll be better off for it.

[sarah1972]

I pretty much got hit by the same thing a few month after going full time. In the last year, the only thing I have accomplished is to pass most of the time and start hair removal. Any next step is literally years out. Name change is blocked due to stupid laws in my home country and for various reasons I cannot really start looking into surgeries. I am really missing the rush of adrenalin during the early days. On the other hand - normal is really good too. Maybe a breather needed before the next steps.

If you want to fill the time, I have started exercising to get fit in case I can one day do surgery. I just figured that a fit body might be better to get through the stress of any surgery.

Stay strong!

Hugs,

Sarah

I'm curious if any of you have gotten to a point in your transition where you felt a lull or like things just stopped progressing? I'm just about 14 months in since I started hormones. In that time I've gotten my name and gender changed, transitioned at my job and in multiple associations I'm a member of, went full time, traveled numerous times in my authentic identity, ditched the breast forms, ditched the wig, got divorced, started dating a gorgeous woman, etc.  However all of this happened in the first year.  I feel now like I had all these firsts, all this novelty, all this excitement, but now it's all done.  So much has become routine now (which don't get me wrong, is really great) but I don't feel like I've reached a point where I can say the work is done.  However, without those firsts, it really doesn't feel like I'm moving forward anymore, I almost feel stuck.  I can't even consider doing surgeries of any type until at least November (my insurance requires one year of RLE for BA, trach shave and GCS), I'm in a financial situation right now following my divorce where I can't afford to continue with additional hair removal, I'm really struggling with feeling like I've stagnated.

Perhaps this is a product of my having accomplished a lot very quickly. I fully admit my transition has been on the fast track since I decided this would be my path in February of last year.  Compared to others I know, my transition has been like light speed, so maybe now it is just slowing down.  But I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the same feelings.  A bit of a let down, some frustration and some anxiety over what comes next? How did you manage it?  Were you able to take time and focus on internal transition?  Did that help?  Just looking for thoughts on how I can keep my focus and keep feeling like I'm making progress.

[AlyssaJ]

Thanks, your thoughts have actually been really helpful.  I'm realizing part of the emotion I'm feeling in this lull is really a result of a combination of factors.  Not only has the newness worn off and I've stopped encountering those firsts, I didn't really get to enjoy many of my firsts as much as I would have liked to.  My wife moved out only just recently, all my firsts came while she was still living here and as a result each first was met with backlash and emotional abuse from her.  The day before I started HRT, she tried committing suicide as a way (she admitted this herself) of stopping me from going through with it.  So that first day of taking those pills that I had dreamed of ended up being ruined. My first flight while presenting as my authentic self was a weekend I spent with my sisters.  I later found out that my wife took that opportunity while I was gone to go to Jamaica and sleep with as many guys as she could find.  The list goes on.

And it wasn't just her.  Transitioning on the job was also bad timing. The day my transition was announced to the company was one week before they announced that we were being acquired by a much larger company. It seemed great, I could start with this new company, already transitioned and no one would ever know.  Except it didn't work that way.  Because my name was not yet legally changed (that would happen a month later), they had to set me up in the system under my then legal (dead) name.  By the time the acquisition closed (3 months later), I had my name change and had communicated it to them.  However, they failed to properly process the changes in their system and the day I walked in for our orientation, the first thing I was handed was a corporate card with my dead name on it.  That ended up being a months long fight to get all the systems properly updated.

So I'm realizing, as I'm hitting this lull is right about the same time that all these situations have resolved and I'm actually in a position to enjoy this more.  But it's too late in a sense. So many of those firsts have passed, I can't get them back.  So I sit here now, with her gone, my job progressing fine and I have little to look forward to in the near future.  Everything I look forward to now is so far off.  I need something to focus on in the more near future where I can feel or see tangible results.  Hopefully I can find that thing.

[Antonia J]

I'm 5 yrs into transition-detransition-transition, and I see a lot of myself in the OP comments. My therapist, like others who commented, also said the feeling was expected. She said the initial period is a "pink fog" and you have so much of a physical, emotional, financial, and relational roller coaster of emotions and experiences over the first year that you risk becoming a "human doing" instead of a "human being." The process of transition is exciting, but it is how we feel when the dust settles where we need to take stock of ourselves. If we have baggage from before the transition (e.g. in me it is separation anxiety, self-esteem issues compensated by over-achievement, grief over the end of the marriage, and serious family drama), then we are probably going to carry some of that baggage along for the transition ride to when things settle down...and it will be waiting when slow down and are no longer distracted by all the other busy-ness.

For me, and not professing this applies to everyone as YMMV, I stepped away from a lot of the non-profit organizations I was leading and focused on getting healthy and becoming a better human being through working out, learning about spending habits (even though I have an MS in Accounting, my personal budget was a mess), community education enrichment (writing about my journey!), going slow and spending time outdoors walking in parks and hiking as well as picnics with my new wife, and busting my (slightly larger) butt on my job so that they did not find a reason to blame my transition on anything.

I guess this is to say that maybe slow periods and mundane is necessary and normal as it forces us to reflect on how we got to where we are, learn the lessons from the journey if we are wise, and become better people for the time when things get crazy again - which they will, as it is part of being human.

Good luck on your continued journey.

Toni

[krobinson103]

I heard something on the radio a while back that comes to mind. The DJ was driving down the road in heavy rain. He could hear the rain beating on his car and hsi wipers were going nuts trying to let him see. Then he drove under an overpass. The rain stopped, the noise stopped, and if felt odd. he commented that perhaps we need to drive under more bridges to let ourselves take stock of out current situation, and figure out the next move.

At work we are focusing heavily on deep reflection and slow thinking to improve our practice and learning outcomes for the learners. I think that can also be appropriate here. It hit me a while ago that a lot of the PHYSICAL and immediate changes are done. But I haven't really processed what it all means to me yet. These times of no crisis, no immediate job to be done are more important I think to really understand the sheer scope of what it is you do when you transition.

I say enjoy the lull because life will come back with something to react to soon enough!